Last night President Trump said of his critics, “I went to better schools than they did. I was a better student than they were. I live in a bigger, more beautiful apartment. And I live in the White House, too.” Then someone handed Trump a fidget spinner and he quieted right down. – Conan O’Brien
Last night President Trump spoke at a rally in Arizona and really fired up his supporters. He opened his speech by saying, “Our movement is a movement built on love.” In other words, he started with his best joke. – Conan O’Brien
In her new book, Hillary Clinton calls Donald Trump a “creep” who “made her skin crawl.” When he heard, Trump smiled and said, “I still got it.” – Conan O’Brien
At yesterday’s Trump rally, the crowd was chanting “CNN Sucks!” And man, you do not want to hear what they had to say about the Science Channel. – Conan O’Brien
It is being reported that President Trump is no longer speaking to Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell. Upon hearing this, Melania went to McConnell and said, “Teach me, Master.” – Conan O’Brien
In Saudi Arabia, a 14-year-old boy was detained for dancing to the Macarena. You know, I don’t say this often but I’m going to side with the Saudi government on this one. – Conan O’Brien
Some parents in California are mad that a kindergarten teacher read their kids a book about transgenderism. It was the Dr. Seuss classic, “Cat in the Hat Who Identifies as a Dog.” – Conan O’Brien
Also published on Medium.