Skip to content

Late Night Political Humor

“In a two-hour interview last Friday, Bruce Jenner told ABC’s Diane Sawyer, ‘For all intents and purposes, I’m a woman.’ At which point, Joe Biden ran in and started giving Bruce a shoulder rub.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The big story is Bruce Jenner. In last week’s interview, Jenner said he’s a woman who is transitioning his body from male to female, and he’s also a conservative Republican. Bruce said he looks forward to bashing Obamacare as soon as he finishes using it.” – Conan O’Brien

“Bruce Jenner declared he is a woman and a Republican. In other words, the GOP finally found someone who might be able to beat Hillary.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Jenner also identified himself as a conservative Republican. He said he believes that John Boehner and Mitch McConnell will support him and advocate for transgender issues. Yeah, of course they will. They’re probably having the buttons printed as we speak.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Donald Trump may be running for president. He said he is sick and tired of the rest of the world laughing at the United States. Well, President Trump will certainly put an end to that.” – David Letterman

“Many believe that Hillary Clinton was channeling President Obama during her recent speech in New York City. She focused on equality, justice, and how hard it was for her growing up as a young black man in Hawaii.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Mayor de Blasio said that whenever he goes to a Yankee game he gets sick and tired of people booing and giving him the finger. Hey, what do you want? You’re the mayor of New York City. It comes with the gig, pal.” – David Letterman

“A U.N. study claims the happiest country in the world is Switzerland. When asked why they’re so happy, Swiss people couldn’t answer because their hands were counting money and their mouths were full of chocolate.” – Conan O’Brien


Crowdfunding for Assholes

© Alex Salsberg

This reminds me of the Chick-fil-A scandal in 2012 when the founders of the company said they supported the biblical definition of marriage and contributed to anti-gay organizations. LGBT organizations boycotted the business, but religious conservatives flocked to the chain to show their support. So who knows, maybe some people would contribute to people and organizations that discriminate.

Of course, in the Chick-fil-A case, the owners did a complete about face and admitted that their anti-equality stance had been a mistake, and quietly went back to making chicken.


Late Night Political Humor

“At the White House yesterday, a little girl actually asked first lady Michelle Obama how old she is. Michelle answered, ‘Old enough to put you on the No Fly List, sweetheart.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“At the White House, they caught another fence jumper earlier today. It was Obama trying to get out.” – David Letterman

“They’re talking about putting a woman on the $20 bill. And Hillary said, ‘I’m available’.” – David Letterman

“New York Mayor Bill de Blasio has been positioning himself to challenge Hillary Clinton for the Democratic nomination. Hillary once developed a program to deliver rural healthcare, while de Blasio once dropped a groundhog on its head.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Mayor de Blasio wants to eliminate garbage. He believes New York City produces way too much garbage. Well, heck, forget about producing too much garbage. What about late-night talk shows?” – David Letterman

“It’s being reported that Google spent over $5 million on lobbying just during the first quarter of this year. You’d think Google wouldn’t really need to lobby politicians. All they have to say is, ‘We have your search history. Do what we tell you.'” – Jimmy Fallon


Ted Cruz, Hypocrite

My favorite thing that Jon Stewart does on the Daily Show is expose people being hypocritical using nothing more than their own words from broadcast video footage of them. Who better to indict Ted Cruz than Ted Cruz himself?

Unfortunately, I suspect this will not be enough to get rid of Ted Cruz (although I would love it if it did). Instead, I’m really going to miss Stewart, and sincerely hope he finds another way to keep up the good fight against blatant hypocrites like Cruz.


Late Night Political Humor

“Today is Earth Day. Environmentalists spent the day drawing attention to the Earth, while the Earth just spent the day checking Facebook to see which planets wished it a happy Earth Day.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Today is Earth Day. So this year I’m finally gonna do it. I’m gonna find out what the blue trash cans are for.” – Seth Meyers

“The first Earth Day took place in 1970. At the rate we are going, the last one should be soon.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Shouldn’t every day be Earth Day? I mean, what are our options?” – Jimmy Fallon

“Today is Earth Day. The way I see it, as humans the very least we can do is recycle. A lot of recycling is going on this year. For example, Bushes and Clintons.” – David Letterman

“Jeb Bush has to distance himself from what they call the Bush brand. So he keeps saying, ‘I am my own man.’ But when Governor Chris Christie is out on the campaign trail, he’s always saying, ‘I’m my own man, plus another guy.'” – David Letterman

“Recently a guy was having trouble with his computer. So he unplugs it, takes it out in the alley, pulls out a gun, and shoots it eight times. Coincidentally, that’s how Hillary got rid of her emails.” – David Letterman

“Marco Rubio’s presidential campaign has raised $40 million in the last week. When he heard that, Rubio said, ‘Hey, any chance I can drop out of the race and just keep the 40 million?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“There are reports that Kim Jong Un climbed North Korea’s highest mountain. Kim Jong Un said all it took to climb that mountain was hard work, determination, and lying about climbing that mountain.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The city of San Francisco announced that on January 1 tobacco of any kind will be illegal. So you’ll finally be able to say to a police officer, ‘No, no, this is just weed.'” – Seth Meyers

“A company has come out with a line of medical marijuana dog treats. Finally a medicine that will help my dog lie on the couch all day.” – Seth Meyers


Jade Helm

Jen Sorensen
© Jen Sorensen

Apparently the entire state of Texas, all the way up to the governor, has gone completely ape shit crazy.

Who better to explain what is going on than Jon Stewart? Note that (if you are in a big hurry) the part specifically about Jade Helm starts around the 5 minute mark.


Unimpeachable Logic

So what has the new Republican majority in Congress done so far? Well, first they were distracted for months by the confirmation of Loretta Lynch. Even though many Republicans actually liked her, the powerful GOP need to not do anything that Obama wants was strong enough for them to delay her confirmation longer than any attorney general nominee in three decades. And this despite the fact that Republicans absolutely hate Eric Holder, who continued to serve until his replacement could be confirmed.

Now that the confirmation fight is over, what’s next on the agenda for the GOP?

Would you believe they are talking about impeachment again? As usual, they are doubling down, saying that impeachment isn’t enough. They also want Obama to face jail time for his crimes.


Late Night Political Humor

“Tomorrow President Obama will host NASCAR racing champion Kevin Harvick at the White House. They both said they look forward to spending an hour or two not having the slightest interest in what the other is saying.” – Jimmy Fallon

“They arrested another fence jumper at the White House last night. Why are so many people suddenly trying to jump the White House fence? Is this the new ice bucket challenge or something?” – Jimmy Kimmel

“An intruder was arrested at the White House last night after trying to jump the fence. Authorities aren’t releasing the fence jumper’s identity, but they did say that she tore her pantsuit.” – Seth Meyers

“Because of all the jumpers, they are thinking of putting steel spikes on top of the fence, which is crazy. The White House fence doesn’t already have spikes? Garbage dumps have spikes on the fence. There are abandoned Blockbuster video store fences that have spikes.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Tim Tebow may be back in the NFL with the Philadelphia Eagles. As you remember, he was thrown out of the league when he landed his gyrocopter on the White House lawn.” – David Letterman

“Tim Tebow has been on the bench longer than Ruth Bader Ginsburg.” – David Letterman

“In North Korea, real-life superhero Kim Jong Un is said to have achieved something that is literally incredible. According to their state-run media, over the weekend Kim Jong Un climbed the highest mountain in the country, which is 9,000 feet high and takes days to climb. This was reportedly no problem for a man built like Roseanne Barr.” – Jimmy Kimmel


Historical Context of Protests

The Birmingham News

This comic was originally published in The Birmingham News (Alabama). Some unknown critic took exception.

Yes, we have come a long way, but we still have a long way to go.


Late Night Political Humor

“Hillary Clinton is campaigning in Iowa, virtually going door to door to every home in Iowa. Jehovah’s Witnesses finally got fed up and said, ‘Get lost. Get out of here!'” – David Letterman

“Hillary went to a Chipotle in a tortilla pantsuit.” – David Letterman

“Hillary is in Iowa to listen to what the people are saying — because if you want her to speak, that will cost you $200,000. So she’s there listening.” – David Letterman

“Hillary Clinton is driving across Iowa in a van. It’s to get to know the people she’ll never, ever see again in her life.” – David Letterman

“The Hillary team is driving around in a van. Sometimes people get those gag bumper stickers put on their van. Hillary has one on her van, and it says, ‘If this van’s rockin’, I’m deleting emails.'” – David Letterman

“Hillary Clinton is making income inequality a central theme in her campaign. Yeah, for example, today she pointed out that her husband makes $300 million a year. She has to get by on $200 million a year, and that’s not fair.” – Conan O’Brien

“According to a new poll, 57 percent of the people believe Hillary Clinton will be the next president. Now 43 percent of the people in that poll believe Hillary Clinton is already president. – David Letterman

“Tax day was yesterday. And marijuana growers are complaining that they can’t write off a single expense thanks to federal laws. Well, apparently someone tried to claim the Phish tour as his home office and that’s not going to happen.” – Conan O’Brien


Give ’em Hell, Bernie!

One of my favorite writers, Matt Taibbi, has written a wonderful article in Rolling Stone about Bernie Sanders, our “other” Democratic presidential candidate. Or as Taibbi puts it:

His entrance into the 2016 presidential race is a great thing and not a mere footnote to the inevitable coronation of Hillary Clinton as the Democratic nominee. If the press is smart enough to grasp it, his entrance into the race makes for a profound storyline that could force all of us to ask some very uncomfortable questions.

What questions? Why do we automatically measure political candidates by how much money they can raise? Although we don’t put it that bluntly. We use words like “serious” or “viable” or even “credible”. As the Wall Street Journal said about Sanders: “It is unclear how much money Mr. Sanders expects to raise, or what he thinks he needs to run a credible race.”

Is that what our politics has become? A simple race for cash? Has money really become equivalent to free speech?

But that won’t deter Sanders. Indeed, his campaign started out by raising a “serious” amount of money — more than $1.5 million in its first 24 hours. And not just from big-money donors. More than 35 thousand people donated, with an average contribution of $43.54. Regardless of who you think should be elected president, this should warm your heart.

Ironically, Sanders, who has never run a negative campaign, is likely to help Hillary Clinton. At the very least it will keep her from swinging too far to the right in an attempt to triangulate against her ultra-conservative Republican opposition and will help her run as a moderate. The GOP always tries to paint Democratic candidates as socialists, but how can they call Hillary that when Sanders is a socialist?


Late Night Presidential Political Humor

On his plans for his remaining time in office: “After the midterm elections, my advisers asked me, ‘Mr. President, do you have a bucket list?’ And I said, ‘Well, I have something that rhymes with bucket list.’ Take executive action on immigration — bucket. New climate regulations — bucket. It’s the right thing to do.”

On Dick Cheney: “A few weeks ago, Dick Cheney says he thinks I’m the worst President of his lifetime. Which is interesting, because I think Dick Cheney is the worst President of my lifetime.”

On Jeb Bush: “It turns out Jeb Bush identified himself as ‘Hispanic’ back in 2009. Which you know what, look, I understand. It’s an innocent mistake. Reminds me of when I identified myself as ‘American’ back in 1961.”

On the economy and Hillary Clinton: “I’ve got to stay focused on my job, because for many Americans, this is still a time of deep uncertainty. For example, I have one friend, just a few weeks ago, she was making millions of dollars a year and she’s now living out of a van in Iowa.”

On Bernie Sanders: “And Bernie Sanders might run. I like Bernie. Bernie is an interesting guy. Apparently some folks really want to see a pot-smoking socialist in the White House. We could get a third Obama term after all.”

On Ted Cruz: “Ted Cruz said that denying the existence of climate change made him like Galileo. Now that’s not really an apt comparison. Galileo believed the Earth revolves around the sun. Ted Cruz believes the Earth revolves around Ted Cruz.”

On his bromance with Vice President Joe Biden: “We’ve gotten so close that in some places in Indiana they won’t serve us pizza anymore.”

On the challenges of being president: “Being president is never easy. I still have to fix a broken immigration system, issue veto threats, negotiate with Iran – all while finding time to pray five times a day.”

On his rapidly-graying hair: “It is no wonder that people keep pointing out that presidency has aged me. I look so old John Boehner’s already invited Netanyahu to speak at my funeral.”

On ABC’s new series “Blackish”: “Being blackish only makes you popular for so long. There’s a shelf life to that thing.”

On the final years of his presidency: “The fact is I feel more loose and relaxed than ever. Those Joe Biden shoulder massages, they’re like magic. You should try one… Oh, you have?”

On how history will view his presidency: “Just this week, Michele Bachmann actually predicted that I would bring about the biblical end of days. Now, that’s a legacy. That’s big. I mean, Lincoln, Washington, they didn’t do that.”



Scott Bateman
© Scott Bateman

The Koch brothers are being courted heavily by conservative candidates for the presidency. First prize is reportedly close to a Billion dollars (yes, that is with a capital B) to spend on their campaigns. It appears that their current favorite is Scott Walker, the union busting, budget slashing, anti-gay, anti-immigrant governor of Wisconsin.


Late Night Political Humor

“Hillary Clinton is now in Iowa. She’s spending every waking minute of her day meeting ordinary people, and it’s to prepare her for a job in which she will never again meet an ordinary person.” – David Letterman

“Hillary Clinton is trying an entirely different approach with Iowa than the one she tried eight years ago when she lost there. She will not start speeches by saying, ‘Hello, Iowa, or Idaho, or whichever one you are.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Hillary’s trying to appear downhome. Earlier today she was sitting on the front porch of a general store whittling a pantsuit.” – David Letterman

“It’s April 15, tax day. The federal tax code is over 74,000 pages long. But stick with it because after page 72,000, it gets really good.” – Conan O’Brien

“A study says that traffic fatalities go up 6 percent on tax day, presumably because people are rushing to the tax office and doing their taxes while they drive. If you are just realizing it is tax day, don’t worry about it. The IRS is pretty cool about this stuff.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The IRS specifically selected April 15 as tax day. They knew it was going to likely be a beautiful spring day and they wanted to ruin it for us.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The only fun thing about filing your tax return is getting a refund. About 80 percent of taxpayers get money back, which is a weird thing to be happy about. That means you’ve been overpaying all year long. It’s like if someone broke into your house and the police recovered the stuff and brought it back and you said, ‘Oh, presents’.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Today is tax day. A lot of people are hoping they get refunds. And that’s just the folks here in the audience.” – David Letterman

“Governor Chris Christie says if he’s president, he will crack down on the sale of marijuana. However, that was before he was told it also comes in a brownie.” – Conan O’Brien


Peaceful Protest

Matt Lubchansky
© Matt Lubchansky

I’m definitely not advocating violence. But America does seem to have a love-hate relationship with violence. We love the founding fathers and the Boston tea party, but we hate violent protests for civil rights. We love revolutionaries, as long as they aren’t socialists (although some people love Che Guevara, but mostly in a romantic sense).

Unfortunately, history is often written by the victors. So I guess we love violence as long as it happened in the past, … and we won.