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Late Night Political Humor

[Jokes from Dec. 21, 2016]

“Donald Trump loves Christmas. It’s the one time of year where he can say, ‘Those are real, those are fake,’ and claim he was talking about Christmas trees.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Rudy Giuliani said this morning that even though Donald Trump passed him over for a position in his administration, Trump hasn’t forgotten about him. Said Trump, ‘It’s true. How could I ever forget Rudy Garziola? Gorgonzola, whatever. I’ll never forget my good friend Judy.'” – Seth Meyers

“Trump confirmed yesterday that he met with Mexican businessman Carlos Slim recently. And I guess it went well, ’cause he later tweeted in all caps, ‘HE IS A GREAT GUY.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Even in print, Trump’s way of communicating with foreigners is just speaking English louder.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Bill O’Reilly said last night that liberals want to eliminate the Electoral College because they want power taken away from the white establishment. Bill, you don’t have to say, ‘White establishment.’ It’s redundant. That’s like saying ATM machine. The ‘M’ means machine.” – Seth Meyers

“Vice president Joe Biden will reportedly work at the University of Pennsylvania once he leaves office. Apparently they had an opening for, ‘Cool R.A.'” – Seth Meyers


Go Bernie Go!

The Senate is already debating the repeal of Obamacare, and Bernie Sanders is already pointing out the blazing hypocrisy if they succeed. One of the advantages of a president who can’t stop tweeting is that you have everything he has tweeted in black and white. So Sanders brought a rather large copy of one of Donald Trump’s tweets during the presidential campaign to the floor of the Senate:

Trump’s tweet says: “I was the first & only potential GOP candidate to state there will be no cuts to Social Security, Medicare & Medicaid. Huckabee copied me.”

Obamacare contains extensive fixes to Medicare (including fixing the infamous donut hole problem, and funding fixes so it wouldn’t run out of money), and even more extensive improvements to Medicaid. So if Trump signs a bill to repeal Obamacare without replacing it with something that has the same provisions, he will be breaking a huge promise to the American people. Millions of people will lose their health insurance, and everyone else will get worse coverage. That certainly looks like cuts and sounds like cuts, and sounds like a quack.


The Left Turns Right?

© Jen Sorensen

I also want to include Sorensen’s notes from this comic, which I totally agree with!

Let me start by saying I consider myself to be somewhat to the left of Bernie. I favor a Scandinavian-style social safety net — heck, I am Scandinavian. So this comic is not coming from the perspective of a milquetoast centrist Democrat, or even a strong Hillary partisan, as I’m guessing some will assume in our world of fun political binaries. What concerns me is that I’m seeing fundamentally right-wing concepts being adopted by those who self-identify as lefties or progressives. You might say I’m criticizing the left from the left.

To address a few points raised in the cartoon: I shouldn’t need to even spell this out, but as a gentle reminder, Russia is an authoritarian regime that crushes free speech, dissidents, LGBT rights, and now, apparently, my own health insurance. This didn’t just happen to Hillary; it happened to all of us. It’s pretty much the definition of what should be a non-partisan concern. Mountains of evidence exist for Putin’s attempt to swing our election (and others), and to minimize the problem is nothing short of laughable. And yes, I do think the interference had a substantial impact.

Hillary has certainly frustrated me at times over the years, but I came to admire her intelligence and poise over the course of this election cycle. Her performance at the debates with Trump was nothing short of heroic. She also ran on the most progressive Democratic platform ever, but since policy has become almost completely divorced from politics, she gets little credit for that. I could go on, but as my husband says, this was not so much an election as an exorcism, the culmination of a decades-long smear campaign by the right.

The term “political correctness” has been the cornerstone of conservative efforts to transform the ideas of civil rights and equality into something frivolous and stupid. The right loves plucking silly examples from obscure, powerless people and blowing them up into huge “culture war” issues that supposedly threaten the nation. “PC” is an insult that plays into their hands.

Along these same lines, “liberal elites” — long a Fox News favorite — is designed to shift attention away from the actual economic elites hoovering up the world’s wealth and resources, such as the Koch Brothers or Trump, and instead make one think of poodle-owning urbanites supposedly looking down their noses at everyone (while in reality voting to raise the minimum wage). It’s a frame, not a fact, and hides a deep anti-intellectual agenda.

Don’t fall for these con-job concepts! The world doesn’t need any Fox News Lefties.


Late Night Political Humor

[Jokes from Dec. 20, 2016]

“Donald Trump is saying ‘Merry Christmas’ instead of ‘Happy Holidays.’ Donald Trump said he’s a fan of Jesus because ‘I like guys who inherit their dad’s business and then think they’re God.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Yesterday, Donald Trump officially became the president-elect after 538 electors from the Electoral College cast their votes. And immediately after, Donald Trump claimed that 3 million of them voted illegally.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump has now waited over four times longer than any other president-elect to hold a post-election press conference. He is basically treating the press like a Tinder date. They did every dirty thing he wanted and now he’s ignoring their texts.” – Seth Meyers

“Donald Trump said that after the election, he didn’t call Bill Clinton, but instead, ‘Bill Clinton called me.’ Bill Clinton said, ‘Actually, I was calling for Melania and he answered the phone.'” –Conan O’Brien

“Opera star Andrea Bocelli has backed out of performing at Donald Trump’s inauguration after pressure from his fans. So congratulations to his replacement, Chumbawamba.” – Conan O’Brien

“Apple’s new operating system gets rid of the feature that tells you how much battery time you have left on your laptop. People will have no idea they’re about to lose power. Or as Democrats put it, ‘Been there’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Well, there are only four days until Christmas. So, Hillary, just choose a tree already. You’ve been in the woods long enough. Choose a tree and come home, Hillary.” – Seth Meyers

“Netflix began streaming a biopic of President Obama this weekend called ‘Barry.’ They’ll also air a documentary about Trump’s presidential win called ‘Barely’.” – Seth Meyers


Glad That’s Over!

Tom Tomorrow
© Tom Tomorrow

But, will 2017 be better than 2016? Will people finally get wise to Russian/Corporate/Republican false news? Will Democrats stop blaming other Dems for the loss and unify to achieve their common goals (and maybe in the process wake up, energized, and get a backbone)? Will people get tired of Trump’s terrible tweets?

Or will 2017 be far worse, with a horrible president surrounded by sycophants and other con men, destroying what’s left of our democracy, economy, and freedoms? Will he start new wars? Will other countries drop the dollar as their reserve currency and destroy our economy? Will he abuse his presidential powers and create a kleptocracy?

Can we even be cautiously hopeful? Time will tell.


Late Night Political Humor

[Jokes from Dec. 19, 2016]

“The Electoral College met today to cast their ballots for president and vice president. It’s the first college Donald Trump has gotten into without a letter from his father.” – Seth Meyers

“Today, the Electoral College officially cast its votes for president, and Bill Clinton actually teared up after voting for Hillary, saying that he’s never cast a vote he’s been prouder of. Then he said, ‘Except for that wet T-shirt contest I judged in Cancun.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Barack Obama just held the final news conference of his presidency and at the end, Obama wished everyone a Mele Kalikimaka, which is the Hawaiian greeting for Merry Christmas. Mele Kalikimaka is also what Donald Trump tweeted when he was just trying to spell Merry Christmas.” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama recently said that he and Donald Trump most likely have different definitions of political correctness. And just as likely, different spellings.” – Seth Meyers

“John McCain criticized President Obama yesterday and said he ‘has no strategy and no policy’ on dealing with Russia’s recent hackings. Oh, he has a strategy all right — it’s called running out the clock.” – Seth Meyers

“So far Donald Trump’s cabinet picks have a net worth of over $14 billion. So hopefully, Trump’s plan to balance the budget involves calling a meeting and then just passing the hat around.” – Conan O’Brien

“The price of gold increased today after falling to its lowest level in almost a year. Which can only mean one thing — Trump is remodeling his bathroom.” – Seth Meyers


Ethanol – Another Trump Flip-Flop

Ethanol is a big deal in Iowa. Almost half the corn grown in Iowa is used for ethanol production, and Iowa produces almost 30% of all ethanol in the US. So it is not a big surprise that it was a big issue during the Iowa caucuses.

Donald Trump came out swinging, claiming that Ted Cruz would destroy the ethanol business because the Texas senator was bankrolled by oil companies:

He will destroy your ethanol business 100 percent. And look, I’m not really blaming him because he’s financed by oil people. The oil people don’t want ethanol, it’s very simple… Your ethanol business if Ted Cruz gets in will be wiped out within six months to a year. It’s gonna be gone.

And this worked against Cruz in Iowa, despite the fact that it was a lie. Cruz was actually proposing using up to 25% ethanol in gas mixtures. But regardless, how is that working out for Iowa farmers now that Trump has been elected?

Trump’s team is now against ethanol. Not that Trump himself will say anything, but his special advisor Carl Icahn (who is the majority owner of an oil refiner) says “there are people on the Trump team that believe ethanol itself does very little”. People like Trump’s pick for the head of the EPA, Scott Pruitt, a friend of the oil companies who up until recently was suing the EPA on their behalf, and (of course) is a climate-change denier.

Or maybe Rex Tillerson, Trump’s choice for Secretary of State, who is currently the President and CEO of Exxon-Mobil. So now that Trump is giving major positions in his cabinet to oil company insiders, how long will it take for Iowa’s ethanol business to get “wiped out”?

I’m still waiting for all the suckers who voted for Trump to realize that they’ve been had.


Late Night Political Humor

[Jokes from Dec. 14, 2016]

“We’re just 10 days away from Christmas! And if you want to know if Santa has you on his ‘nice’ list or his ‘naughty’ list, just ask Russia to hack it for you.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The Democratic National Committee was actually hacked because one of its directors clicked on a fake email to change his password, which gave Russia access to his account. Then Hillary said, ‘I can’t believe you’d be so careless with your email!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“And it turns out that two separate Russian hacking groups named Cozy Bear and Fancy Bear were targeting the DNC. It’s confusing, ‘cuz ‘Cozy Bear’ and ‘Fancy Bear’ are also Trump and Putin’s nicknames for each other.” – Jimmy Fallon

“When an FBI agent first contacted the DNC to tell them they’d been hacked, the person who took the call thought it was a prank. ‘Yeah, it happens more than you’d think,’ said FBI Agent Seymour Butts.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Yesterday the president-elect met with Bill Gates, Jim Brown, and Kanye West. Today he met with executives from Amazon, Tesla, Apple, Google, and Facebook. He gathered all the major tech execs for a very important role: He wanted to see if any of them could figure out his iTunes login.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Kanye West tweeted a photo of a Donald Trump-signed copy of Time Magazine’s Person of the Year issue. Trump signed it, ‘To my good friend, Ben Carson.'” – Conan O’Brien

“So far, President-elect Donald Trump’s cabinet is over 75% white men. It’s the first presidential cabinet in history to be sponsored by Dockers.” – Conan O’Brien

“The CEO of Twitter, Jack Dorsey, did not meet with Donald Trump, I’m guessing for the same reason Dr. Frankenstein never went out of his way to meet the monster.” – Jimmy Kimmel


Happy New Year?

Relieved that 2016 is almost over? How do you celebrate the passing of a year that nobody wants to remember? And how do you celebrate the start of a new year that will probably be even worse? How about with some new cocktails?

© Brian McFadden

Let’s just hope we make it through the next four years.


No Laughing Matter?

Now that the election is over, political comics are having a tough time. Yeah, I know, everyone thought that Donald Trump winning the election would be pure gold for comedians, but it turns out that it is not that easy. This country has become so polarized that if you make political jokes about Trump, you will piss off half your audience. And heaven forbid you make pro-Trump jokes!

As one comic put it:

This election was the most polarizing election in the history of our country. To even lightly joke about Trump leads Trump supporters to assume you are a Hillary supporter and the ­hatred ensues. You run the risk of losing half of your audience — actually, less than half, based on popular vote — but it’s just not worth it and, furthermore, it’s too damn easy.

I guess that now that Trump won the election, it isn’t funny any more — regardless of which side you’re on.


Late Night Political Humor

[Jokes from Dec. 13, 2016]

“This morning, Kanye West actually showed up to meet with Donald Trump at Trump Tower. People were shocked — they didn’t expect those two to meet until the first presidential debate in 2020.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Today, Donald Trump met with Kanye West. It’s always cool when two future presidents hang out.” – Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump met with Kanye West today — what an amazing thing to see. Our next two presidents side by side.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Kanye West met with Donald Trump at Trump Tower today. No word on what they interrupted each other about.” – Seth Meyers

“This morning, the president-elect met at Trump Tower with Kanye West. You can tell it was a high-powered meeting because Kanye wore his formal sweat suit.” – Stephen Colbert

“Kanye tweeted, ‘It’s important to have a direct line of communication with our future president if we truly want change.’ Yeah, that’s great for you, but what about us?” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The big story today was Trump’s meeting with Kanye West. The two met in Trump’s apartment and then took photos and answered questions in the lobby. When asked what they talked about, Trump had kind of a weird answer: ‘We’re just friends’. Just friends? What happened up in that apartment?” – James Corden

“Kanye needs to stay close to Donald Trump because at this point he’s the only person who can afford to buy his sneakers.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Obviously, it’s a security risk gathering the two most powerful American narcissists in the same room. Just for security reasons, they had to keep Shia LeBeouf in an undisclosed location for continuity of government.” – Stephen Colbert

“Mitt Romney tweeted that it was ‘an honor’ to be considered for secretary of state. Romney then tweeted, ‘Oh, and has anyone seen my dignity?'” – Conan O’Brien

“A friend of Donald Trump’s said that Trump dangled the office of secretary of state to Mitt Romney to ‘torture him’. You can watch the whole thing in the new series ‘White Billionaire Pranks.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Jeb Bush told reporters today that he does not think Russia ‘influenced’ the election. And if anybody knows about not influencing elections, it’s Jeb Bush.” –Seth Meyers

“Trump announced he’s nominating Exxon-Mobil CEO Rex Tillerson to be his secretary of state, even though Rex supposedly has a friendly relationship with Vladimir Putin. Today, Rex said, ‘Putin and I aren’t friends,’ while Putin said, ‘That’s SO something Rex would say.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“On Twitter Trump announced his nominee for secretary of state, Rex Tillerson, CEO of a small mom-and-pop business called Exxon-Mobil. He announced he’s changing his slogan from ‘drain the swamp’ to ‘fill ‘er up!'” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Today Donald Trump chose Rex Tillerson, Exxon-Mobil CEO, as his secretary of state. I assume from now on, all gas stations are official U.S. embassies, which is perfect for any refugees who are seeking asylum and maybe a Slim Jim.” – Stephen Colbert

“Donald Trump has continued to make more surprising appointments in his cabinet. This morning, Trump chose the CEO of Exxon Mobil, Rex Tillerson, as his secretary of state. Because, you know, when you think responsible, ethical and trustworthy, you think Exxon-Mobil.” – James Corden

“Tillerson is an interesting pick. For one thing, he’s an oil main who believes in climate change. Well, of course he believes in it! He’s from Exxon — he INVENTED it. It’s pride of ownership. It’s his baby!” – Stephen Colbert

“Former Texas Gov. Rick Perry has been named Donald Trump’s pick for secretary of energy. And I have to say, he is the most qualified candidate from that particular season of ‘Dancing with the Stars.'” – Seth Meyers

“Donald Trump’s pick for secretary of state, Rex Tillerson, was once the president of the Boy Scouts of America. Or as Donald Trump calls that, ‘government experience’.” – Conan O’Brien

“Rudy Giuliani said today that he had ‘too much going on’ to accept a cabinet appointment from Donald Trump. Added Giuliani, ‘These pigeons aren’t gonna yell at themselves!'” – Seth Meyers

“These cabinet appointments are something else. I can’t wait to see who he picks to actually be president of this country.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“There are only 11 shopping days left until Christmas, and only 37 shopping days to fill your doomsday bunker with canned goods before Trump becomes the president.” – James Corden

“A NASA scientist has warned that Earth is unprepared for a surprise asteroid hit, and said, ‘There’s not a hell of a lot we can do about it.’ So, ladies and gentlemen, happy holidays!” – Conan O’Brien


Consistently Inconsistent

Early Wednesday morning, Donald Trump tweeted this:

But the same day, just a few hours later, Trump told reporters that he thought the transition was going “very, very smoothly. Very good.”

My only question is, which Trump is Dr. Jekyll, and which one is Mr. Hyde?


Late Night Political Humor

[Jokes from Dec. 12, 2016]

“According to The Washington Post, the CIA found that Russia interfered in the election to help Donald Trump win the presidency. Experts say this is the biggest scandal America’s faced for decades, and the biggest scandal Trump’s faced since Friday.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The CIA says they believe that Russian hackers interfered with our elections, specifically to help Donald Trump win. But Trump says that’s ridiculous — there’s no way to know if the hackers were from Russia or China or some guy sitting on a bed someplace.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Of course, Russia faced several obstacles in helping Trump win — namely Trump.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Nonetheless, a bipartisan group, including Republican Sens. John McCain and Mitch McConnell, are calling for an investigation, and Trump does not like that at all. He refuses to point a finger at Russia. Why would he? He’ll be up for re-election in four years, he might need them again.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Some people are saying we should vote all over again. Which, this election, is like the killer in a horror movie — just when you think it’s over, he pops up in the back seat, it’s going to get you again.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Organizers have announced that Donald Trump will attend two inaugural balls during his first week in office. One in Washington, D.C., and then, of course, the real one in Moscow.” – Seth Meyers

“There are reports that Donald Trump has been meeting with Mark Burnett, the creator of ‘The Apprentice,’ to plan next month’s inauguration ceremony. If Omarosa swears this guy in, I’m moving back to England.” – James Corden

“Is the whole thing going to be reality show-themed? Instead of Trump putting his hand on the Bible, the chief justice of the Supreme Court is just going to hand him a rose.” – James Corden

“I understand to get to the White House he won an ‘Amazing Race’. Out of the dozens of candidates, Trump was the ‘Survivor’. Even though, according to the popular vote, he was ‘The Biggest Loser’. But this is ‘The Real World’.” –James Corden

“Trump may be a populist, but we don’t need this type of ‘American Idol’ worship. America is facing real problems, and we need to give all the people of this nation a voice — no, ‘THE Voice’. Not just to your daughter Ivanka, or Donald Jr., her ‘Big Brother’. That’s why, Donald Trump, I have three words for you: ‘RuPaul’s Drag Race’.” – James Corden

“Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid recently said in an interview that Donald Trump is ‘not as bad as I thought he would be.’ Geez buddy, how low were your expectations?” – Seth Meyers

“Harry Reid is the guy that gets a rat in his bucket at KFC and says, ‘Well, they’re trying their best.'” – Seth Meyers

“In other news, a restaurant just opened in the Kurdistan region of Iraq. It’s called Trump Fish, and it’s a fish restaurant with an unauthorized Donald Trump logo. They stole Trump’s face and name. Should be fine, Donald Trump never sues anyone.” – James Corden

“Hillary Clinton gave a speech last week criticizing the epidemic of fake news being spread … or maybe she didn’t.” – Seth Meyers



I think the best solution is to keep pissing Donald Trump off as much as possible. He’ll stay up all night, every night, tweeting away. Keep him busy. Maybe that will minimize the damage from his presidency.

I predict it won’t take too long for people to get tired of him, just like they got tired of Sarah Palin. Maybe he will even quit, like she did.


Christmas Presents

© Brian McFadden

I’m sure you can think of even better gifts! I hope everyone has a happy holiday, and I look forward to a better new year!