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Late Night Political Humor

[Jokes from Jul 31, 2017]

Today, President Trump officially removed Anthony Scaramucci as his communications director. And this was a little awkward — when Scaramucci called an Uber to pick him up at the White House, Sean Spicer was driving. – Jimmy Fallon

The Mooch lasted as communications director for only 10 days. Yes, 10 days! That’s not even one whole pay period. His going-away party can serve what’s left of his welcome cake. – Stephen Colbert

The president has been very busy repealing and replacing his staff, most notably Anthony Scaramucci, the Mooch, who 10 days ago was named the White House communications director. Today he’s out of a job. – Jimmy Kimmel

Scaramucci lost his job after just 10 days, following an obscene interview with the New Yorker. You know it’s bad when you get fired after 10 days and everyone’s still like, “What took so long?” – Jimmy Fallon

Anthony Scaramucci, gone after just a week and change on the job! The Mooch is toast! The front-stabber has been back-stabbed. – Stephen Colbert

He’s out after 10 days. So Scaramucci is gone, but his cologne will linger forever. – Jimmy Fallon

He said he was going to fire everybody, and I’ve got to admit, he delivered. That’s thorough! – Stephen Colbert

And get this — Scaramucci’s official start date was supposed to be August 15. Or as Trump put it, “See? We’re setting so many records. He’s the first person to ever get fired BEFORE they even start working.” – Jimmy Fallon

It came out that Scaramucci actually missed the birth of his son last week because he was with Trump, so he texted his wife “Congratulations”. Trump was like, “You don’t text your wife after she has your baby — you tweet her!” – Jimmy Fallon

On Friday, Trump hired new White House chief of staff, Gen. John Kelly. No surprise Trump picked a general. According to one source, “The kinds of people that Trump particularly likes are people with bucks: money, and braids: the military.” Yes, he likes people with bucks and braids. So if Kelly doesn’t work out, congratulations to our next chief of staff, Sparkle the show pony. – Stephen Colbert

Meanwhile, Donald Trump tweeted about Reince Priebus, who he fired. He wrote, “We accomplished a lot together, and I am proud of him.” That’s two lies in one sentence. – Jimmy Kimmel

Kelly is the polar opposite of Reince Priebus, the former chief of staff. Kelly is military, Priebus is a Washington insider. Kelly’s from Boston, Priebus is from Wisconsin. John Kelly has two first names, and Reince Priebus has no recognizable names at all. – Stephen Colbert

It will be easier for Reince Priebus to go into a souvenir shop and find a novelty license plate with his name on it than it will be to find a job after this. – Jimmy Kimmel

Sean Spicer’s out, Reince Priebus is out, Trumpcare is dead, and Kim Jong Un has a missile that can reach New York. And weirdly, I don’t feel tired from all the winning yet. – Jimmy Kimmel

President Trump is coming off his worst week since … his last worst week, which I think was the week before last week. – Jimmy Kimmel

A school district in Florida is eliminating homework for all school students this year. Yeah, no homework. It’s all part of Florida’s “make Florida Flori-duh again” campaign. – James Corden

Officials say it’s fine because a lot of students are already reading at a fifth grade level. Unfortunately a lot of those students are in 10th grade. – James Corden

The state of Colorado has determined that the tax revenue from the sale of legalized marijuana has now exceeded half a billion dollars. Colorado has so much extra money for marijuana it can now afford a cocaine habit. – James Corden

Unfortunately, they’ve already spent all of that money on Funyuns and Hot Pockets. – James Corden

You know those little robot vacuums called Roombas? The company that makes them says that Roombas have the capability to map out your home while they clean it, and it’s planning to sell that information to Amazon and Google. We all thought that the Roomba was just vacuuming; turns out it was casing the joint. – James Corden

The other night I could have sworn I heard Roomba and Alexa talking about how much they could get for my flat screen. – James Corden


Spreading Lies

Donald Trump not only lies constantly, he even tries to convince other world leaders to lie for him.

But it looks like this is (finally!) catching up with him. The latest polls show that even among his base, support for Trump is starting to crumble.

What’s really ironic is that Trump’s approval rating is sinking even though the economy is doing very well right now. Unemployment continues to drop and the stock market continues to go up (thanks, Obama!). Voters consistently say that the thing they care about the most is the economy, but that won’t keep growing forever. When the inevitable economic hiccup occurs, one can assume that Trump will be toast. The only thing he will be winning then is the record for least popular president in history. Sad!


Late Night Political Humor

[Jokes from Jul 27, 2017]

“Dancing With the Stars” is reportedly trying to get former White House press secretary Sean Spicer to be a contestant, marking the first “Dancing With the Stars” contestant who’s hit rock bottom before going on the show. – Jimmy Fallon

Trump’s new communications director, Anthony Scaramucci, made news for comparing Trump’s attempt to repeal Obamacare to Lincoln abolishing slavery. In a related story, Anthony Scaramucci is now expected to take Sean Spicer’s spot on “Dancing With the Stars.” – Jimmy Fallon

Spicer’s not the only one doing a reality show. On the next episode of “Undercover Boss”, Vladimir Putin is going to go work at the White House. “Hello. I’m a tour guide here. How are things at home?” – Jimmy Fallon

New White House communications director Anthony Scaramucci is on a real tear to stop leaks from the White House. We know this because someone in the White House leaked it. – James Corden

Scaramucci was livid last night after some of his financial information was leaked, so he went on Twitter and seemingly blamed chief of staff Reince Priebus for the leak, but then he deleted the tweet later, which is a great start for a communications director. – James Corden

Now I don’t know, Reince Priebus might be the leak, Scaramucci might be lying. Only one thing is certain, I can’t spell either of their names. – James Corden

A lot of news coming out of the White House, but strangely enough, Donald Trump isn’t the one making the news this time. I guess his meds are finally kicking in? – James Corden

First lady Melania Trump announced today that her first solo international trip will be to Toronto, Canada. The purpose of her trip hasn’t been announced. But I’m guessing sanctuary? – Seth Meyers

In a recent interview, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau revealed that the he watched clips from the popular TV show “The West Wing” to prepare for debates. While Donald Trump prepared for debates by watching “Friday the 13th”. – Seth Meyers

The publisher of Hillary Clinton’s upcoming memoir announced today that the title of her book will be the statement “What Happened”. Well, that’s the censored version. – Seth Meyers

The owner of a clown motel in Nevada is looking to sell it. The clown motel is like any other motel, except it only has one parking spot. – Jimmy Fallon


Wanted: Another Failure to Communicate

© Jack Ohman

Unfortunately, this comic left off the current leading candidate for the position of White House communications director, which of course would be Donald Trump himself. Trump obviously wants the job. In fact, it seems to be the only job he actually likes and spends any of his time at.

Negotiating treaties? Boring. Getting Congress to pass legislation? Ick, ickity, ick. Tweeting at 3am? He’s on the job!


Late Night Political Humor

[Jokes from Jul 26, 2017]

I began my day as I often do, by checking Donald Trump’s Twitter feed to see how far the crazy has spread. And today, I really think he’s off his meds, because today he went from crazy to cruel tweeting. What? What won’t you allow? Socks with sandals? Dancing? Please tell me it’s not alcohol. I needs my drank! – Stephen Colbert

Ten minutes later he told us what he won’t allow: “Transgender individuals to serve in any capacity in the U.S. Military.” – Stephen Colbert

Some big political news. Today President Trump went on Twitter and announced that he is banning transgender people from serving in the military. Trump said he understands this is a very sensitive issue, so he made sure to choose his emoji’s very carefully. – Jimmy Fallon

Today Donald Trump announced on Twitter that he wants to ban transgender soldiers from serving in the U.S. military. This is unusual. Usually when Trump wants to keep someone out of military service, he just fakes a doctor’s note saying he has a foot injury. It worked fine for him during Vietnam. – James Corden

This is what really stings — they are being rejected by a rich guy who during Vietnam sidestepped the draft with four deferments and a medical disqualification for bone spurs in his foot. – Stephen Colbert

Now this reverses a policy that Obama put in place last year. At this point, it just seems like Trump wants to do the opposite of everything Obama did. He is like, “Oh, Obama pardoned a turkey on Thanksgiving? Well I’m going to slaughter a turkey with a chainsaw on the front lawn.” – James Corden

Actually, Trump says that he’s banning transgender people from serving because of high medical costs. If he cares so much about high medical costs, maybe he should pass a healthcare bill. – Jimmy Fallon

Now Trump says that this move is to save money. But according to one study if you look at all the money that is spent on healthcare for transgender soldiers, the military spends five times as much on prescriptions for Viagra. – James Corden

Yesterday we were talking about how the Senate Republicans celebrated narrowly voting to open debate on their Obamacare repeal bill. Well, that victory is on life support already, because last night, their plan to replace Obamacare lost by 43-57. – Stephen Colbert

But don’t worry. They have a backup-backup-backup plan, the so-called “Skinny repeal,” which I think is made with soy milk. – Stephen Colbert

Trump was talking to reporters yesterday, after the big healthcare vote, and people noticed that he didn’t seem to know how many senators there are. When told it is two for each state, Trump said, “I’m going to need another clue.” – Jimmy Fallon

Another big story is Trump’s feud with Attorney General Jeff Sessions. When he was asked about what will happen to Sessions, Trump said, “Time will tell.” When asked if he was just stealing lines off his magic eight ball, Trump said, “Ask again later”. – Jimmy Fallon

At a rally in Ohio last night, President Trump said that Abraham Lincoln is the only president more presidential than him. And then, this is weird, Trump invited him to the White House. – Seth Meyers

President Trump today wrote an all caps tweet saying quote, “IN AMERICA WE DON’T WORSHIP GOVERNMENT – WE WORSHIP GOD.” Though I think most of us will happily worship whichever one gets you out of office first. – Seth Meyers

Newly appointed White House Communications Director Anthony Scaramucci said today that he’s not a backstabber, but “more of a front-stabbing person”. And it’s very telling about this administration that they think there’s a right way to stab somebody. “I stab from the front, underhand. Like a gentleman.” – Seth Meyers

Energy Secretary Rick Perry recently spent 20 minutes on the phone talking to the prime minister of the Ukraine, only to find out he was actually being pranked by a Russian comedian. So it looks like Russia is now two for two pranking America. – James Corden


Tracking Russian Tweets

An interesting new web site tracks 600 Twitter accounts “linked to Russian influence activities online”.

This is very interesting because while Russian efforts to spread disinformation has been well documented, until now there was no way to see what “fake news” they were trying to promote.

The site, called “Hamilton 68” after the 68th edition of Alexander Hamilton’s Federalist Papers, which discussed how to prevent foreign meddling in influence in America’s electoral process.

Right now, the top political stories being pushed by Twitter accounts associated with Russia “include 30 hostile to the Democratic Party, 14 supportive of President Trump, 2 hostile to the Republic Party establishment, and 2 targeting the U.S. Intelligence Community. Of 18 stories related to Syria, 14 attacked US actions, while 4 lauded the actions of Russia and their allies. The 9 articles targeting Robert Mueller and his investigation were uniformly hostile.”

In other words, the Russians are still supporting Trump. And in the last 30 days, the daily tweet counts have increased dramatically from 6230 tweets to 22,347.


Late Night Political Humor

[Jokes from Jul 25, 2017]

Today, Senate Republicans voted to move forward in the process to repeal and replace Obamacare, even though they don’t know what they’re going to be voting on. That’s like going into a hospital and telling the surgeon, “Surprise me! Just go for it!” – Jimmy Fallon

This afternoon, Republicans in the Senate narrowly won a vote on Obamacare. When I heard this news, I was bummed. And then I found out it was simply a vote to begin debating the future of Obamacare. Which raises the question — what the hell have they been doing this whole time?! – James Corden

That’s right, ahead of the healthcare vote, Senators were saying they had no clue what they’d be voting on. Then Americans said, “Hey — just like us during the election!” – Jimmy Fallon

Even dogs are like, “You got to stop chasing that tail! You’re looking stupid!” – James Corden

But people are still talking about this. Last night, President Trump gave a big speech at the Boy Scouts of America National Scout Jamboree. His healthcare bill won the award for “Scariest Campfire Story.” – Jimmy Fallon

Yesterday Donald Trump spoke at the National Boy Scout Jamboree. And it was horrific. During his speech, Trump told the Scouts that Health and Human Resources Secretary Tom Price would be fired if Congress doesn’t repeal and replace Obamacare. To which the Boy Scouts replied, “Dude, we’re ten.” – James Corden

The Girl Scouts have announced that they will offer 23 new badges focused on science, technology, engineering and math. While the Boy Scouts have announced they’re just gonna lay low for a while. – Seth Meyers

On the bright side, every Scout in attendance was able to earn his badge for “Listening to an old man bitch about his job.” – James Corden

President Trump spoke yesterday at the Boy Scout Jamboree and bragged about his election victory over Hillary Clinton. And every Scout in attendance earned the merit badge for eye rolling. – Seth Meyers

This morning, two senators were caught on a hot mic calling President Trump “crazy”. And when the news came out, literally every member of the Senate was like, “Wait, was it me?” – Jimmy Fallon

According to The Washington Post, President Trump is considering Ted Cruz as a replacement for Attorney General Jeff Sessions. And if you thought Jeff Sessions was bad, you were right. – Seth Meyers

And we’re still getting to know Trump’s new communications director, Anthony Scaramucci. I saw that his friends like to call him “the Mooch”. When Trump heard, he was like, “Great, now what am I gonna call Don Jr. and Eric?” – Jimmy Fallon


A Little Chaos

Trevor Noah hilariously pokes fun at the White House over Anthony Scaramucci, who was fired even before he officially started his new job.

© Drew Sheneman


Late Night Political Humor

[Jokes from Jul 24, 2017]

Big news out of Washington on Friday – White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer officially resigned. That’s right, Spicer said that all the greats always know when to leave on top. – Jimmy Fallon

On Friday, Sean Spicer resigned as White House press secretary. He wanted to spend more time not answering his family’s questions. – Stephen Colbert

Well, it’s the end of an era. White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer resigned from his post on Friday. And just for old time’s sake, he denied it. – Seth Meyers

Spicer quit on Friday because Trump appointed a new communications director, former hedge fund manager and lawyer Anthony Scaramucci. Of course, when it comes to Scaramucci, there’s only one question everybody’s asking: [Queen “Bohemian Rhapsody” clip] “Scaramouche! Scaramouche! Will you do the fandango?” – Stephen Colbert

Over the weekend, new White House Communications Director Anthony Scaramucci deleted a bunch of old tweets that were critical of Trump’s platform. Trump was shocked — he said, “You can delete tweets??” – Jimmy Fallon

Not only did Sean Spicer resign over “the Mooch’s” hiring, but a White House insider says, “This was a murdering of Reince and Bannon. They said Anthony would get this job over their dead bodies.” That’s terrible. Before this, those guys were only dead on the inside. – Stephen Colbert

Donald Trump went on a Twitter rampage this morning criticizing everyone from Hillary Clinton to congress to his own attorney general, Jeff Sessions, who he appointed. In one tweet he suggested that the phrase “drain the swamp” should be updated to “drain the sewer,” which would make sense if a sewer wasn’t already a drain. We need to sweep up the brooms! – James Corden

According to reports, President Trump is so unhappy with Attorney General Jeff Sessions that he is considering replacing him with former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani. That’s like being so unhappy with your wife that you’re considering replacing her with Rudy Giuliani. – Seth Meyers

This morning Trump’s son-in-law, Jared Kushner, testified in front of a Senate Intelligence Committee and insisted that he did not collude with Russia. Before appearing in front of the committee, Kushner released an 11-page statement denying that he colluded with the Russians. Now look, I’m not an intelligence expert, but if you need 11 pages to explain yourself, you so colluded. It’s a totes collude. – James Corden

Kid Rock today further fueled speculation that he will officially run for Senate by tweeting a poll showing he would lead a hypothetical election against a Democratic senator. Even worse — his music. – Seth Meyers

Discovery Channel’s Shark Week made a huge deal about a race between Michael Phelps and a great white shark and they were talking it up all week. Well, people on Twitter were very disappointed that they used CGI and Phelps wasn’t actually racing alongside a great white shark. What do people expect? You can’t get a shark to have a race on command. It’s a shark. – James Corden

Who watched the shark thing? It was amazing. It wasn’t real, but it was amazing. But I like a little break from reality right about now. ’Cause have you seen reality? It’s scary. There’s blood in the water, and there are a lot of sharks circling the White House. – Stephen Colbert

I saw that WebMD is being sold for $2.8 billion. The owner said he was just getting tired — but WebMD says it could either be gout, polio, or scurvy. – Jimmy Fallon

That’s right, WebMD is being sold. No word on who bought it, but let’s just say the Republicans finally found a replacement for Obamacare. – Jimmy Fallon

A Texas coffee company is recalling one of its roasts after male customers reported a “Viagra-like effect.” Wives are calling it the worst part of waking up. – Seth Meyers

Today is National Cousins Day. And if you’re from West Virginia, happy anniversary! – Jimmy Fallon


The Pardonizer in Chief

© Tom Tomorrow

I suspect that sometime in the near future, Donald Trump is going to try to pardon someone he shouldn’t, and all hell will break loose. My only question is whether when that happens, will the Republicans stand up to Trump, or will they roll over?


Late Night Political Humor

[Jokes from Jul 20, 2017]

President Trump said in a new interview that he had regrets about appointing Attorney General Jeff Sessions. Sessions said today that he will continue to serve as long as it is appropriate. So only until about 1955. – Seth Meyers

The identities of the people who attended the meeting between Donald Trump Jr. and the Russians keep coming out. It’s making some people in Washington very nervous. So they’re actually coming forward with their alibis to just prove that they weren’t there. For example, Chris Christie said, “I was busy shutting down Coney Island so I could ride The Cyclone by myself.” – Jimmy Fallon

President Trump said yesterday that he went to speak with Vladimir Putin at the G20 summit dinner because he was seated next to the wife of Japanese Prime Minister Abe, who spoke no English. Which means they had at least one thing in common. – Seth Meyers

The other big story is this interview President Trump did with The New York Times. And the paper said that he made several false claims. And Trump was like, “But you chose to print them, so once again, fake news.” – Jimmy Fallon

As you probably heard by now, this afternoon the Nevada State Parole Board unanimously voted to grant O.J. parole. He served nine years for armed robbery. O.J. Simpson, for those of you too young to remember, is the second most embarrassing person associated with the Kardashian family. Right after Scott Disick. – Jimmy Kimmel

A number of cable networks including ESPN broadcast the hearing live, which wasn’t a surprise. You know, O.J. Simpson has been on TV longer than Homer Simpson. So he’s a big draw. – Jimmy Kimmel

If any of you call an Uber any time soon, you might want to make sure it’s not a white Ford Bronco. I’m just saying. That’s right, O.J. Simpson was officially granted parole today and could be out of jail by October. When asked what he plans to do first, he said, “Well, catch up on all the shows about O.J.” – Jimmy Fallon

He could be released by Oct. 1, on which date he’ll be picked up at the Lovelock Correctional Facility via helicopter and flown directly to the set of “Dancing with the Stars.” Or “Bachelor in Paradise.” Whichever one’s in production. – Jimmy Kimmel

A lot of people didn’t know how to feel about the news. On one hand, O.J. is a convicted felon. On the other hand, he managed to keep Trump off TV for a whole afternoon. So it’s kind of a community service. – Jimmy Fallon

The creators of HBO’s “Game of Thrones” announced they are developing a new show that imagines what it would be like if the Confederacy successfully seceded from the United States. Well, give it a couple years and it might be a documentary. – Seth Meyers

Tesla Motors CEO Elon Musk claims he has gotten verbal approval to connect New York, Philadelphia, Baltimore, and Washington with a high-speed train that runs in an airless tube. While the New York City subway just introduced brand-new rotary phones. – Seth Meyers


Voting Machine Village

This weekend, attendees at a large cybersecurity conference were invited to try their hands at hacking 30 voting machines. The conference had acquired the machines and set up a “voting machine village“.

Every single machine was hacked. The first ones in less than 90 minutes. Some were hacked with no physical contact. And remember that these are machines that are still in use in actual elections around the country.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. I am a computer scientist and have worked on projects related to computer security. There is no way to secure voting machines. Period. But don’t take my word for it. The site Electoral-Vote is run by a famous computer scientist, and he says “The only solution is to decommission all voting machines immediately and return to paper ballots.”

Unless we do this, the integrity of every election is in doubt. And unless the government does something about it, they are complicit.

The Republicans pretend to be concerned about voter fraud, which has been shown to be virtually nonexistent over and over, but is used as an excuse to disenfranchise voters they don’t like. Trump even created yet another commission to study it. But there is no commission studying security flaws in voting machines, which is demonstrably a real concern. Sad.


Late Night Political Humor

[Jokes from Jul 18, 2017]

I have some sad news tonight. As of 10:48 p.m. eastern last night, the GOP healthcare bill was pronounced dead of terminal sucking. – Stephen Colbert

The Republican bill to repeal and replace Obamacare has officially fallen apart. But Republicans say they’re just going to let Obamacare fail while they regroup and figure out a new plan. And Democrats said, “Hey, that’s the same thing we’re doing with Trump.” – Jimmy Fallon

I’m heart broken, too. You cover the pain. It was always a longshot because the Republicans control only all three branches of government. Can’t be expected to do everything. – Stephen Colbert

Republicans announced last night that the latest GOP healthcare plan will not be moving forward, making this the second draft of the bill to fail in the Senate. Though when it comes to President Trump, the third time’s the charm. – Seth Meyers

Following news that the Senate healthcare plan will not pass, President Trump said that it is important to get more Republicans into office. More? Pretty sure when the “Titanic” was sinking, the answer wasn’t more icebergs. – Seth Meyers

It is hard to overstate the level of failure here. The GOP crushed their car at 90 miles an hour into a cliff with a grin on their face. – Stephen Colbert

According to Politico, the news that two additional Republican senators were not supporting the GOP healthcare plan came as a surprise to President Trump, and if there’s one thing President Trump hates, it’s Eric. – Seth Meyers

At a dinner last night, President Trump told Republican senators that if they didn’t vote for the healthcare bill, they’d look like dopes. And he combed his neck hair over the top of his head and walked away with his tie dragging on the floor. – Jimmy Fallon

After the failure of the GOP healthcare plan, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell outlined plans to repeal Obamacare without a bill to replace it. The same way we got rid of Obama without a good plan to replace him [picture of Donald Trump]. – Seth Meyers

It’s like if Batman vs. Superman took a Pontiac Aztec to Blockbuster Video to rent “The Lone Ranger” and watch it on laser disc. That’s how badly they failed. – Stephen Colbert

Trump had dinner with Republican senators at the White House. They were served steak and lima beans. And Trump wasn’t allowed to leave the table until he finished all of his lima beans. The president was seen scraping them onto the floor. “Do we have a dog?” – Jimmy Fallon


Congressional Sexism?

Some people have started to notice something interesting. All attention was focused on John McCain as he made a dramatic return to the Senate after being diagnosed with cancer, giving a speech that received a standing ovation, and then voting against the Obamacare repeal.

Ironically, there was another senator who was also recently diagnosed with cancer, and it is stage 4 kidney cancer, which is likely to be terminal. This senator traveled even further to return to the Senate, also gave a speech, and also voted against the repeal.

That senator is Mazie Hirono (D-Hawaii). Is it because she is a woman that nobody noticed?

I’m just asking, because even if you just limit yourselves to Republicans there were three senators who voted against the repeal bill, and two of them were women. But McCain is getting most of the attention.

Not to mention the fact that when Mitch McConnell assembled his team to write the repeal bill, somehow there were only white men on that team. Hirono is neither white nor male.

In addition, when she was young her family was too poor to afford health insurance. Her two-year-old sister died from pneumonia because her parents could not afford medical care.


Rushmore or Less

Trump jokes about wanting to be on Mt. Rushmore. Mt. Rushmore responds: