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Late Night Political Humor

[Jokes from Oct. 4, 2016]

“Tonight is the debate between vice-presidential candidates Tim Kaine and Mike Pence. They’re going to debate the economy, foreign policy, and which one of them is Tim Kaine and which one is Mike Pence.” – Conan O’Brien

“The first and only vice-presidential debate of this election season was held tonight, and it was pretty much the same as the debate I had with my wife about painting the foyer. ‘Do we want eggshell or ivory?'” – Seth Meyers

“The New York Times revealed today that Tim Kaine travels with six harmonicas in his briefcase. He carries so many because they’re constantly getting slapped out of his hands.” – Seth Meyers

“It’s come out that Donald Trump once rented an office to an Iranian bank that was later accused of terrorism. Today, Trump said, ‘How was I supposed to know that something wasn’t right with Jihadi Joe’s Savings and Loan?'” – Conan O’Brien

“It’s rumored that Donald Trump’s tax returns were leaked by one of Trump’s ex-wives. In other words, it could be anybody.” – Conan O’Brien

“Eric Trump today defended his father’s recent 3 a.m. Twitter rant about former Miss Universe Alicia Machado, telling reporters, ‘At least my father is up at 3 o’clock in the morning.’ Why do you think that’s a good thing? You know who’s up that early? People who are wondering where they went wrong with their son.” – Seth Meyers

“During the final push of the election, Bill Clinton criticized Obamacare in a speech and said it’s ‘the craziest thing in the world’. It’s all part of Bill’s nationwide ‘Not Helping’ tour.” – Conan O’Brien


Weird Al Autotunes the Debate

Is Weird Al Yankovic running for president? Or just debate moderator?


Trump’s Revenge!

Donald Trump is completely obsessed with revenge. How do we know that? Because he has talked about revenge and retribution repeatedly himself.

In 2013 he tweeted “Always get even. When you are in business, you need to get even with people who screw you.’ – Think Big.” In 2014 he tweeted this quote: “‘Revenge is sweet and not fattening.’ – Alfred Hitchcock.”

In 2011, he gave a talk with a list of things they don’t teach in business school. The first thing on his list was this:

Get even with people. If they screw you, screw them back 10 times as hard. I really believe it.

A year later in a speech, he said it again, even stronger:

One of the things you should do in terms of success: If somebody hits you, you’ve got to hit ’em back five times harder than they ever thought possible. You’ve got to get even. Get even. And the reason, the reason you do, is so important…The reason you do, you have to do it, because if they do that to you, you have to leave a telltale sign that they just can’t take advantage of you. It’s not so much for the person, which does make you feel good, to be honest with you, I’ve done it many times. But other people watch and you know they say, “Well, let’s leave Trump alone,” or “Let’s leave this one,” or “Doris, let’s leave her alone. They fight too hard.” I say it, and it’s so important. You have to, you have to hit back. You have to hit back.

There are plenty of other examples, stretching back in time. In 2012, he spoke twice about this:

The point is, one of the things I say later is…get even. When somebody screws you, you screw them back in spades. And I really mean it. I really mean it. You’ve gotta hit people hard. And it’s not so much for that person. It’s other people watch.

And for good measure, he demonstrating by attacking Rosie O’Donnell, saying “If she stopped looking in the mirror, I think she’d stop being so depressed.” He also attacked O’Donnell the second time, calling her a “pig” and a “degenerate”, and explained his first rule of business:

It’s called “Get Even.” Get even. This isn’t your typical business speech. Get even. What this is a real business speech. You know in all fairness to Wharton, I love ’em, but they teach you some stuff that’s a lot of bullshit. When you’re in business, you get even with people that screw you. And you screw them 15 times harder. And the reason is, the reason is, the reason is, not only, not only, because of the person that you’re after, but other people watch what’s happening. Other people see you or see you or see and they see how you react.

The first link above has many other examples. Donald Trump believes in revenge and he had advocated for it for decades. And notice how he always escalates. You have to hurt them far more than they hurt you.

And we’ve seen plenty of examples of this philosophy during the election. If anyone says the slightest bad thing about him, he goes on a rampage. It doesn’t matter if they are a political opponent, a fellow Republican, a member of the media. Anyone he doesn’t like.

It shouldn’t be surprising he has so few friends. And is it any wonder the women he sexually assaulted were afraid to speak out against him at the time?

At the final debate, he surprised me by not interrupting Clinton during the first 20 minutes, but as time went on he got angrier. And then he started interrupting and acting out to get vengeance against her. The need for revenge seems to be embedded in Trump’s DNA. That isn’t working for him as a presidential candidate, and would be even worse as president.

My only question is, what will he do when he loses the election?

UPDATE: Richard Branson relates the story of his first meeting with Trump, when Trump disturbingly went on and on about how he was going to spend the rest of his life destroying five people who had refused to help him after his latest bankruptcy.

Branson highlighted the real estate mogul’s “vindictive streak” as the most frightening thing about this election, warning it “could be so dangerous if he got into the White House.”


The Hideous Truth About Hillary Clinton

The Washington Post carefully researched all the conspiracy theories about Hillary Clinton and assembled them together into a convenient timeline. Finally, you can see in one place what the alt-right believes about Clinton. After all, everyone knows that she is Satan.

It starts back in 1947, when Hillary is a robot constructed by Saul Alinsky. To know what happens after that, you’ll just have to go read the article.



Today on, the word of the day is “trumpery”.

Yes, it is a real word, whose earliest document use is from 1481. But the best part is its meaning:

  1. Something showy but worthless.
  2. Nonsense or rubbish.
  3. Deceit; fraud; trickery.

They even give some examples of usage:

“The room was crowded with a chilly miscellany of knick-knacks and ornaments, gewgaws, and trumpery of every kind.”
Leo Bruce; Case for Three Detectives; Academy Chicago; 1980.

“History, made up as it is of so much trumpery, treachery, and tyranny, needs deeds of valor, of sacrifice, and of heroism if it is to be palatable.”
The Medal of Honor: A History of Service Above and Beyond; Zenith Press; 2014.

“He talks a lot, but what comes out of his mouth is pure trumpery.”
Iron Knee; Political Irony; 2016.

You can see more about this apropos word at


Obama on Trump and the Republicans

This is a speech that Barack Obama recently gave at a Democratic dinner in Ohio. I set it up to start at 16:55, which is when it gets really good. It reminds me of why I like Obama so much. And he even gets a bit angry a few times and gets into it.


Grab ‘Em By the PU$$Y

I find this video interesting because it walks the ambiguous line between entertainment and political statement. At first I didn’t like it (and didn’t post it), but after more viewing I think it is actually very powerful.

What do you think?


Late Night Political Humor

[Jokes from Oct. 3, 2016]

“We’re just four weeks away from Halloween: people pretending to be somebody else, going door-to-door for handouts, or as that’s also called, running for president.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Mike Pence and Tim Kaine will face-off tomorrow night in the only vice presidential debate of the election. The vice presidential debate is brought to you by white out.” – Seth Meyers

“Tomorrow night is the vice-presidential debate between Mike Pence and Tim Kaine. Experts expect a record number of people not to watch it.” – Conan O’Brien

“Are you guys excited for the VP debate tomorrow night? Yeah, no, you’re not. No you’re not. Nobody is.” – Seth Meyers

“Cleveland Cavaliers star LeBron James has endorsed Hillary Clinton for president. Experts say LeBron’s endorsement will help Hillary Clinton win in Ohio and lose in Florida.” – Conan O’Brien

“Yesterday, LeBron James wrote an op-ed in which he endorsed Hillary Clinton. LeBron says he and Hillary are all about the same thing: taking forever to finally win something.” – Jimmy Fallon

“LeBron James endorsed Hillary Clinton over the weekend. Which Clinton says for her campaign is a real home run.” – Seth Meyers

“This weekend, a person or persons spray-painted graffiti all over Donald Trump’s new Washington, D.C., hotel. Police have narrowed their list of suspects down to ’50 percent of the country’.” – Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump’s charity, the Trump Foundation, is no longer allowed to accept donations in New York. This is really bad news for anyone who thought, ‘I’d like to make sure my money gets to the people who really need it; I know, I’ll funnel it through Donald Trump.'” – Conan O’Brien

“We’re going to start by talking about everybody’s favorite subject: taxes. Over the weekend, Donald Trump’s private tax documents were leaked to The New York Times, showing that in 1995 he posted a loss of $916 million dollars. The only people with a more embarrassing loss in 1995 were the prosecution team in the O.J. Simpson trial.” – James Corden

“The New York Times got its hands on a tax document from 1995, which shows Trump declared a $916 million loss that year which would have allowed him to avoid paying any income tax for 18 years. The documents were sent to the Times from inside Trump Tower. The Trump campaign said the Times illegally obtained the documents and we all know how much Donald Trump hates hacking. So that’s no good.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Over the weekend, three pages of Donald Trump’s 1995 tax return were leaked, revealing that he declared a $916 million loss from his three Atlantic City casinos. That’s right. Donald Trump lost money on casinos. You know what they say, ‘The house always loses.'” – Stephen Colbert

“Now, nobody knows where this leak has come from, but some are suggesting that the source of the leak was Trump’s ex-wife Marla Maples, who leaked the taxes as revenge. Even Beyoncé was like, ‘Now that is making lemonade.'” – James Corden

“The Trump campaign isn’t denying the authenticity of the forms which is remarkable, considering the fact that they deny almost everything. This morning they denied Trump is running for president.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“But here’s the thing, as a real estate developer, he was able to use that loss to wipe out more than $50 million a year in taxable income over 18 years. Well, when life gives you lemons, don’t pay taxes.” – Stephen Colbert

“He lost a billion dollars. Right now, Gary Busey is like, ‘Hold up, wait — didn’t you fire me on ‘Celebrity Apprentice’ for losing the Snapple challenge?'” – James Corden

“Supporters of Donald Trump are saying the fact that he lost a billion dollars and then didn’t pay income taxes for 18 years means he is a ‘genius’. They also say three marriages makes him a ‘feminist’, so it kind of works out.” – Conan O’Brien

“Yes, only a genius can lose $1 billion running a casino. How loose were his slots? Tell you what, I like you, I’m going to comp everyone’s room forever.” – Stephen Colbert

“The big story is Donald Trump might not have paid any income tax since Xena: Warrior Princess went on the air.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Now, the idea that Trump hasn’t paid taxes in nearly 20 years is bound to be unpopular with — what’s the word — people. But according to the former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani, Trump not paying taxes just proves how smart he is.” – Stephen Colbert

“It’s not like Donald Trump does his own taxes. He’s not there doing the numbers. Shouldn’t we really be voting for his accountant? Jack Mitnick. Something about the ‘Mitt’ that sounds so presidential.” – Stephen Colbert

“These aren’t the only leaked documents Trump has to worry about. Julian Assange, the founder of WikiLeaks, is supposed to give a big announcement where he said he will release documents to hurt both nominees. People are calling it the ‘October Surprise’. I don’t like the name. I don’t. October Surprise is the most ominous title we can give this?” – James Corden

“October Surprise doesn’t sound sinister; it sounds like your aunt’s recipe for a squash casserole. I added a little nutmeg!” – James Corden

“Assange says he has secret information about both Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton, and that information may drastically change people’s views of these candidates. Americans replied, ‘Wait, it’s going to make us like them?'” – James Corden

“Assange was originally going to make this announcement from the balcony of the Ecuadorian Embassy in London, but has since rescheduled it. I can’t believe he rescheduled the October Surprise. You can’t reschedule October Surprise, Julian. That’s like me texting my wife saying, ‘Hey, honey, your surprise birthday party has been moved to Saturday.'” – James Corden

“In an interview this weekend, Joe Biden described his relationship with President Obama as an older brother-younger brother dynamic. The only down side is when Obama forgets to pick him up from soccer practice.” – Seth Meyers

“A new report has found that despite his recent string of gaffes, Libertarian nominee Gary Johnson has four times as many newspaper endorsements as Donald Trump. So if you’ve got weed, he’s got papers.” – Seth Meyers

“On Friday, Arnold Schwarzenegger was stopped in Germany by a police officer for riding a bicycle through a train station. Schwarzenegger may have gone unnoticed if he hadn’t been frantically ringing the bell and shouting, ‘Get out of the way if you want to live!'” – Jimmy Fallon


Losing to a Girl

The New Republic has an interesting theory about Donald Trump. Trump is losing to Hillary Clinton because he is so completely sexist that he is incapable of taking Clinton seriously. And their arguments are pretty good.

In the primaries, his opponents were all men except for Carly Fiorina. Note that all of Trump’s insults against Fiorina were about how she looked. Trump does not know how to treat women as anything other than sex objects.

Lucky for Trump, Fiorina was never a serious threat, but Clinton is. And Trump doesn’t know what to do. When he does attack Clinton, it is about how she looks. A week ago, he told a crowd at a rally that during the second debate “when she walked in front of me, believe me, I wasn’t impressed.” Seriously? He’s trying to compete against her for the presidency, and all he can think about is what her ass looks like?

So if he can’t attack a woman as an equal, what does Trump do? He attacks other men.

He goes after Bill Clinton by bringing his accusers to the second debate. Which is a stupid thing to do because in the past Bill’s marriage problems just made people more sympathetic to Hillary.

Now Trump is attacking Obama by inviting his estranged half-brother to the debate tonight, as if that would in any way hurt Clinton. If anything, Obama has high favorability ratings, so linking Clinton to Obama will just help her; and besides, Malik is not her brother.

Or worse, he attacks Paul Ryan, or John McCain. Even Trump’s ally Newt Gingrich called Trump “frankly pathetic” for the attacks, pointing out “Donald Trump has one opponent. Her name is Hillary Clinton. Her name is not Paul Ryan. It’s not anybody else. It’s Hillary Clinton.”

The article points out that “Trump was a happy warrior during the Republican primaries” because “he displayed tactical skill in picking off his enemies at the appropriate moment and staying on message when he needed to crush them.” But in the general election against a woman, he is floundering, cannot stay on message for even the length of a speech, and is clearly rattled by Clinton.

For example, Trump totally lost it when Clinton brought up Alicia Machado, bellowing “How do you know that?” at the debate and then spent more than a week insulting Machado and talking about how she was a big problem because she was overweight.

Trump is so obsessed with women as sexual objects that he even talks — inappropriately — about his daughter Ivanka that way. Hell, he even talks about pre-teen girls, evaluating them as to whether some day they will turn into women he can date.

If you believe this theory, then Clinton is clearly the best of the Democratic candidates to beat Trump.


Seen it All Before

Dan Wasserman
© Dan Wasserman

While Trump’s boasts of sexual assault are loathsome, it is ironic that his sexism brought him down more than his assaults on liberty and justice. What happens to the rule of law when a presidential candidate threatens to throw their opponent in jail? When he lies even about things that are easily verified to be false, and yet continues to lie about them with impunity and often gets away with it?

We’ve seen it all before, but mostly in dictators, con men, thugs, and sociopaths.


Learning from History?

I never would have believed it if someone told me back in 2008 that the Republicans would nominate someone for president who makes Dubya look reasonable in comparison.

This country elected Dubya, and during his watch 9/11 happened. Then he started two disastrous wars from which we are still trying to recover (and deliberately lied us into the second one). The US committed war crimes like torture, and helped radical Islamic terrorists gain power. He started the prison at Guantanamo, a black eye on our country. He totally botched the response to Hurricane Katrina. He exploited anti-homosexual bigotry to bolster his popularity and attract social conservatives. He ignored the environment, gutting the Kyoto Protocol. Then, as icing on the cake, he presided over the destruction of our economy and made tens of millions of people lose their jobs and/or homes.

Daily Mirror

And now, people are thinking of doing something even worse. Before anyone casts their vote for Donald Trump, I hope they think long and hard. It happened before, and it could happen again. Or it could be an even bigger disaster.

The Republicans say that Clinton would be four more years of Obama, but would they really rather have four more years of Dubya (or worse)?


Laying Waste to the American Political System

Matt Taibi is one of my favorite investigative journalists, and his writing is always worth a read (even when I don’t entirely agree with him). His latest article in Rolling Stone “The Fury and Failure of Donald Trump” is a must read. The article is not so much about Trump as his followers, and the resulting destruction of the American political system. In this version, Trump is more of an entertaining symptom than a cause.


Supreme Obstruction

On a radio interview on Monday, John McCain said the following:

I promise you that we will be united against any Supreme Court nominee that Hillary Clinton, if she were president, would put up. I promise you. This is where we need the majority.

That’s right, it doesn’t even matter who the nominee is, McCain is promising that the GOP will block them. It also puts the lie (again) to the Republican claim that they are blocking Merrick Garland because they believe the next president should pick the next Supreme Court justice.

It also really pisses me off about McCain. So much for his motto “Country First“. Or did he give that up when he picked Sarah Palin to be his running mate? He should change his motto to “I will debase myself in any way possible to get reelected”.

And what is his strategy? Leave the Supreme Court empty-handed and deadlocked until a Republican is elected president? Like that is going to happen any time soon (or if ever, given that the demographics against them are getting worse). And even if a Republican does eventually become president, does he think the Democrats will be cooperative and confirm after being blocked for what may be decades?

Our country is screwed.


Late Night Political Humor

[Jokes from Sept. 29, 2016]

“Hillary Clinton actually went to her granddaughter’s second birthday party instead of preparing for the first debate against Trump. I guess she figured being around a bunch of screaming toddlers might help her even more.” – Jimmy Fallon

“While speaking to students at the University of New Hampshire yesterday, Hillary Clinton said, ‘Isn’t this one of the strangest elections you’ve ever seen?’ And then college kids were like, ‘Uh, we’re 18. It’s the ONLY election we’ve ever seen.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Hillary Clinton has vowed to crack down on hackers who launch cyberattacks. She said, ‘If anyone’s going to abuse U.S. government computers, it’s gonna be me.'” – Conan O’Brien

“America Online founder Steve Case endorsed Hillary Clinton for president today. Although the last thing Hillary wants to hear is ‘You’ve got mail’.” – Seth Meyers

“Secretary Clinton is still struggling with millennials. By the way, if you’re not sure who millennials are, they’re the ones who never use the term ‘millennials’.” – Stephen Colbert

“A recent poll shows Clinton has the support of just 31 percent of likely voters under 35. So Hillary’s doing everything she can to attract young people. That’s why, for the first time since July, she appeared on the campaign trail this week with that millennial heart-throb, Bernie Sanders.” – Stephen Colbert

“Bernie Sanders is also campaigning with Hillary. Yesterday, he asked a crowd at one of her rallies, ‘Is everybody here ready to transform America?’ Followed by his next question, ‘Does anybody here remember where I parked?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Bernie! They really like him. He really connects with millennials, because a lot of his clothes are also 18 to 30 years old.” – Stephen Colbert

“Donald Trump spoke at a rally yesterday and told supporters that Hillary Clinton’s campaign is the most unserious campaign in American history. Unserious? This is the person you’re calling unserious? [shows photo of frowning Hillary] She always looks like you just told her you wrecked her car.” – Seth Meyers

“Meanwhile, Donald Trump has a new scandal to deal with today. According to Newsweek, in 1998 he spent $68,000 on a business venture in Cuba. Which was illegal because of the embargo. Trump, of course, denied the allegations. He said there’s no such place as Cuba.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Donald Trump is reportedly angry that his advisers are saying that he struggled during the first debate. Then his advisers were like, ‘Oh, so you CAN hear us.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“A woman in Washington, D.C., received 13,000 text messages after C-SPAN accidentally put up her phone number during their post-debate analysis. Replied C-SPAN, ‘We have 13,000 viewers?'” – Seth Meyers

“We are still trying to figure out who won Monday’s presidential debate. Democrats say Hillary won, while Republicans are strong in their conviction that there are still two more debates.” – Stephen Colbert

“Yesterday, Libertarian candidate Gary Johnson was giving a television interview and was unable to name a single foreign leader. Hmmm… sounds like SOMEONE wants to be Donald Trump’s secretary of state.” – Conan O’Brien

“In an interview yesterday, Libertarian nominee Gary Johnson was unable to name any world leaders when asked who his favorite head of state was. Wow. This might have cost him the election.” – Seth Meyers

“Remember when Mitt Romney almost had to drop out of the race because he put his dog on the top of the car? They were simpler times.” – Jimmy Kimmel


End Game

Politico, a fairly right-wing news source, is very worried about Trump’s new rhetoric delegitimizing the election. To the point where they are concerned that he could destroy our democracy. They are calling on top Republicans “to defend the legitimacy of the electoral system”. But will rabid Trump supporters listen to anyone other than Trump?

It is easy to believe something terrible could happen. Trump is already throwing a giant temper tantrum. On Sunday he tweeted “Polls close, but can you believe I lost large numbers of women voters based on made up events THAT NEVER HAPPENED. Media rigging election!”

Indeed, alt-right websites are now blaming the release of the Billy Bush tape on either “GOP elites” or even on a giant Jewish conspiracy. Trump knows he is losing, and true-to-form he will blame his loss on everyone else, including the media, his political opponents, and even his fellow Republicans.

Steve Schmidt, who ran John McCain’s 2008 campaign, and Ari Fleischer of George W. Bush’s campaign are worried. Schmidt said about what Trump is doing “What this would be is an assault on the foundations of the long-established traditions of the country, an assault on democracy, vandalizing it.” Fleischer contrasted how “Al Gore graciously accepted the outcome” to Trump’s rhetoric that has him “disgusted”, and predicting that Trump will never concede.

Do you doubt that Trump would do this? He is already threatening to throw Clinton in jail, accusing her of conspiring with the media to destroy his campaign, claiming that the Democrats are fabricating accusations of sexual assaults against him, and saying that she stole the nomination from Bernie Sanders.

Will Trump destroy our democracy? It certainly looks like he is going to try. Is there anything we can do to stop him?