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John Fugelsang

I want to welcome John Fugelsang to my blogroll. Well, at least his twitter feed. Fugelsang got my attention recently with the quote “Ted Cruz is the Abraham Lincoln of Sarah Palins.” His motto is: “Jesus never called the poor ‘lazy’, fought for tax cuts for the wealthiest Nazarenes or asked a leper for a copay.”

I was pleased to see that his twitter account has many more good quotes. Here are a few more from him:

If You Don’t Like Gay People, Take It Up With The Manufacturer.

Being gay is natural. Hating gay is a lifestyle choice.

Heterosexuals are the leading manufacturer of gay people and religion is the leading manufacturer of atheists.

It’s pretty cretinous to use Leviticus against gay people when you don’t obey Leviticus yourself.

Israel provides free abortions but I’m guessing you don’t want to stop American aid.

Romans is also where Paul commands you to obey leaders so I guess that means you support Obama, the Iran deal and the ACA, eh?

If you criticize Obama for making deals with Iran it’s time to finally throw out your Reagan Love Doll.

If your religion tells you God wants someone dead but can’t bother to smite them Himself then your religion sucks at religion.

Good Friday is when we commemorate the most famous innocent brown-skinned man to ever get the death penalty.

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Death Row

Anthony Ray Hinton spent 30 years on death row, the whole time proclaiming his innocence. The evidence used to convict Hinton of two murders was always poor. There were no eyewitnesses, no fingerprints, no physical evidence at all other than a supposed link between a set of bullets and a gun owned by Hinton’s mother. Hinton passed a polygraph test, but that was never admitted as evidence.

Last year, the Supreme Court ruled unanimously that he hadn’t received a fair trial and ordered a new one. In that trial, experts could not conclusively link the bullets to the weapon. In fact, they couldn’t even say for sure if they were fired by the same gun. With no evidence left, the case was dismissed and Hinton was released.

Unsurprisingly, Anthony Ray Hinton is black.

And he’s not the only innocent black person sent to death row.

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Stuck in the Middle with You

It is almost enough to make you feel sorry for Jeb Bush. The headline in the New York Times reads “Jeb Bush Seems to Shift Tone in His Praise of Indiana Law“. Yes, presidential candidate Jeb Bush is now backing away from his formerly full-throated support for the Indiana “religious freedom” law that is causing so much fuss.

What’s a moderate Republican to do? He’s trying to find a middle ground that probably doesn’t exist in today’s GOP. If he does anything remotely reasonable, the Tea Party will make him lose the Republican primary. But if he kowtows to the Tea Party, he has no chance to win the general election.

Meanwhile, you gotta hand it to Ted Cruz in his consistency. He is still singing the praises of those brave people in Indiana who fought for the right to discriminate against gay people. He’s not backing down, he’s doubling down by speaking out against “the radical gay-marriage agenda over religious liberty.”

I’m willing to bet that neither of these two are electable.

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Late Night Political Humor

“Yesterday presidential candidate Ted Cruz said that he will in fact be signing up for Obamacare despite saying earlier that he wants to repeal every word of it. It’s a good thing he’s signing up, because Cruz just went to the hospital in hypocritical condition.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Ted Cruz is signing up for Obamacare. This is like finding out Jenny McCarthy went in for a flu shot.” – Seth Meyers

“After years of bashing Obamacare, tea party candidate Ted Cruz just signed up for it. And next week he plans to get gay married at Planned Parenthood.” – Conan O’Brien

“And by the way, did you know that Ted Cruz was born in Canada? Now Canada has released this statement: ‘American voters should be aware that while presidential candidate Ted Cruz was in fact born in Canada, he has renounced his Canadian citizenship.’ One down, one to go.” – David Letterman

“We have Donald Trump and Ted Cruz and Lindsey Graham all running for president. It’s all part of the Republican plan to make Jeb Bush look presidential.” – David Letterman

“Mitt Romney, two-time presidential campaigner, will step into the boxing ring and he will be fighting Evander Holyfield, who, to my knowledge, has never run for president.” – David Letterman

“A new poll shows that TV presidents featured on shows like ‘The West Wing,’ ’24,’ and ‘Battlestar Galactica’ have a higher favorability rating than President Obama. But he’s not the only politician that people prefer fictional characters to. Instead of Texas Governor Rick Perry, people prefer any male soap opera actor over 50.” – Jimmy Fallon

“NASA’s Mars rover has just completed a marathon traveling 26.2 miles. And once again it was beaten by a Mars rover from Kenya.” – Conan O’Brien

“How many of you intentionally don’t pay your taxes? Me, neither. Whenever I go there to my accountant’s office, I’m taken up in the elevator blindfolded. I said, ‘I’m worried about having money for retirement.’ He said, ‘Don’t worry, you’ll get your cut.'” – David Letterman

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First Church of Cannabis

At first I thought this was an April fools joke, but the original article was published in the Washington Post on March 30, so I assume it is legit.

In the wake of Indiana’s Religious Freedom Restoration act, which prevents the state from “substantially burdening” a person’s exercise of religion (even if it violates the law), Bill Levin has created the First Church of Cannabis. The Secretary of State approved the church as a religious corporation, even though cannabis is listed as the church’s sacrament.

Marijuana is currently illegal in Indiana, even for medical use. Does this conflict with Levin’s religious freedom? Stay tuned by checking in to the church’s Facebook page.

holy smoke

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Late Night Political Humor

“During a recent interview, President Obama revealed that he doesn’t always get enough sleep. And I think I speak for everyone when I say, ‘Good! We pay you to worry about stuff so WE can sleep. That’s why you are the president.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama admitted that he doesn’t get enough sleep. But doctors said he should find little tricks to doze off, like counting intruders jumping over the White House fence.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Former president George W. Bush will be in Dallas this week raising money for his brother Jeb’s presidential run. He plans to raise the money by campaigning for Ted Cruz.” – Seth Meyers

“Tea party candidate Ted Cruz, Republican senator from Texas, wants to be president. That means he’s one step closer to being a Fox News analyst.” – David Letterman

“Tea party candidate Ted Cruz announced he’s running for president. He says he wants to abolish the IRS. So today Cruz was endorsed by Nicolas Cage, Wesley Snipes, and Willie Nelson.” – Conan O’Brien

“Republican Congressman Peter King called Ted Cruz a carnival barker. That is such an insult to carnival barkers. ” – David Letterman

“Ted Cruz says he used to like rock music but after 9/11, he prefers country. Upon hearing this, al-Qaida said, ‘That was the plan.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Ted Cruz is the first official candidate for the 2016 presidential election. As history has shown, the first declared candidate always goes on to win the election — except in 2012, 2008, 2004, 2000, 1996, 1992, 1988, 1984, 1980, 1976, 1972, 1968, 1964, 1960, 1956…” – David Letterman

“Ted Cruz said today that if elected president, he’ll tell the truth and do what he said he’d do. And guys, I know we’ve been burned 44 times on this, but I have a good feeling about this guy.” – Seth Meyers

“President Obama and Hillary Clinton had lunch today. Of course, Hillary had a private server.” – David Letterman

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GOP Insults

There is a new “insult generator” that has an interesting twist. Insult generators are those websites that string together random words to insult someone or something. But the new one doesn’t do it randomly. It is the “Tea Party Insult Generator” and the twist is that it uses actual insults posted on John Boehner’s Facebook wall by Tea Partiers who are pissed off at him.

Who said the tea party isn’t good for anything? They mechanical turk an insult generator that is no more repetitive and stupid as a random one! And some of the insults are in capital letters just in case you couldn’t tell they mean business.

The insults being hurled at the leader of the GOP by Tea Partiers is just one sign of the ongoing (and worsening) Republican Civil War. Here are just a few examples taken from Boehner’s Facebook page:

Grow some balls!!! You rat-bastard sellout
WORST…SPEAKER…EVAH!!!!
I am flying my Confederate Flag upside down and at half-staff because of RINOs like Boehner who caved to a Kenyan Hawaiian Muslim Atheist Bankster Rastafarian Communist.
Hey dumb ass. You no longer have our support. Don’t try to convince yourself otherwise.
Drop dead traitor. Anyone that supports a 17 trillion dollar debt, no to climb more, aiding every Islamist regime in the middle east, a so called healthcare plan that destroys private healthcare and has 20 new taxes breaking the middle class back and is designed for nothing more than total government control is an entitlement minded American-hating uninformed LEECH!
I would call you a snake, but at least a snake has a spine!
YOU ARE A DISGRACE AND ARE NOW THE REASON I AM NO LONGER DONATING TO THE GOP
May you rot in hell you sell-out piece of trash!
Are you kidding me right now?? Go Fuck Yourself Boehner!
You pussed out again, didn’t you? I’d rather have Tip Oneal as speaker of the house than you right now.
You are disgusting! RINO!
I can’t believe they let you stay in the party, let alone the speaker. Go to hell asshole!
BULLSHIT!! You sold us out!! You spineless coward! You are a complete dumb fuck, a failure, AND a fraud.
I hope you and the rest that caved get tea-partied in the next elections…may your own self interest be the death of your political career.
Thanks for NOTHING!! You are DEFINITELY NO LEADER!!
Stick House rule 368 up your ass and spin on it.
You are the worst human being currently alive. Do the world a favor and slink back under the rock you were born under. Your very existence is a tragedy.
Go crawl in a hole and STFU! Happy Retirement!
Asshole Sellout! You put Judas to shame!
Hey Benedict, they’re having a special on group impeachments and your name has risen rather high on the list.
Folded like warm laundry, didn’t you? How pathetic.
Really? REALLY?? go have another drink and fake tanning session you leather-skinned drunk.
It’s not really Speaker Boehner, but Squeaker and Whiner Boehner. You want a pat on the back? A slap on the head would be more appropriate.
Gutless duchebag. You lying sack of crap JACKASS!
YOU SIR, ARE WHAT WE LIKE TO CALL AN ASS-HAT! You and your GOP scum can go suck it! Time to retire you antique leather piece of crap!
FUCK YOU CLOSET SOCIALIST!
So what good does Obama and his thugs have on you? Prostitution? Drug abuse? You’re gay? You a pimp? Come clean already you POS!
I didn’t see a fight at all. All I saw were our representatives bending over and grabbing their ankles.
YOU ARE A TRAITOR! You should switch parties immediately and give Nancy the hammer back. At least we’re sure where she stands. And she has some brass balls. You, sir, have none.
KISS ME!! I LIKE TO BE KISSED WHEN I’M BEING FUCKED! YOU RINO PIECE OF SHIT!!
You suck! Turn in your man card!
Jesus you’re horrible. You democrat/communist enabling fuckwad.
Does anyone know where I can get some coolaid the Democrats drink? Fuck my party!!

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Late Night Political Humor

“Texas Senator Ted Cruz officially announced that he’s running for president. Cruz said that after doing exhaustive research to see if he had a real chance to win, he said, ‘I’m gonna run anyway.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Texas senator and tea party favorite Ted Cruz announced he’s running for president. He pledged to lead America boldly forward into the 1950s.” – Conan O’Brien

“Senator Ted Cruz has officially announced that he is running for president. But if you see a T-shirt that says ‘Ted Cruz 2016′, those aren’t election shirts. That’s just how old he thinks the Earth is.” – Seth Meyers

“Republican Ted Cruz announced that he will run for president in 2016. So finally, Carnival is no longer the most dangerous cruise in America.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The first known candidate to enter the presidential race in 2016 is Texas Senator Ted Cruz. Announcing your candidacy before everyone else does is kind of like being the first celebrity to show up on the red carpet at the Oscars. It’s not a great thing.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Ted Cruz released a presidential campaign video in Spanish. Cruz explained, “It’s important for me to reach out to the people I’m trying to deport.” – Conan O’Brien

“Texas Senator Ted Cruz announced he is running for president. Ted Cruz was born in Canada, his father fled to the United States from Cuba, and yet Ted Cruz is against immigration. Isn’t that odd?” – David Letterman

“People are questioning if Ted Cruz can legally run for president because he was born in Canada. And the last thing we want to do is pave the way for a President Bieber.” – Conan O’Brien

“Ted Cruz could be president of the United States. If you thought the Secret Service was drinking before…” – David Letterman

“According to a new poll, exactly 50 percent of Americans view President Obama’s presidency as a success. While the other half of Americans are actually candidates for the Republican presidential nomination.” – Jimmy Fallon

“While he was discussing U.S.–Israeli relations yesterday, John McCain told Obama to quote, ‘Get over your temper tantrum, Mr. President.’ I didn’t even know Obama could get mad.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Chelsea Clinton is here tonight. Chelsea’s here to promote the “Serve a Year” campaign. A lot of celebrities do this. They serve a year, sometimes less with good behavior.” – Jimmy Kimmel

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Oh, the Horror!

On March 23, Congresswoman Cathy McMorris Rodgers (R-WA) posted this image to her Facebook page asking for Obamacare horror stories, saying “Whether it’s turned your tax filing into a nightmare, you’re facing skyrocketing premiums, or your employer has reduced your work hours, I want to hear about it.”

Obamacare

What she got back in return was probably only horrible for her plans. I can’t even tell how many comments were left on her page, but from people telling how Obamacare had made their lives better, or even saved their lives. And castigating Rodgers (and the Republicans) for opposing the ACA and challenging them that if they don’t like the law, then to propose improvements to it.

Of course, that didn’t stop Rodgers from posting a video about how Americans are suffering from Obamacare. Suspiciously, she posted the video less than 24 hours after she asked for people’s stories. Also suspicious is that only one of her stories was from the state of Washington, and she was even vague about that.

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Late Night Political Humor

“In an interview with Playboy magazine, Dick Cheney criticized President Obama and said he’s quote, ‘the worst president of my lifetime, without question.’ Then Cheney said, ‘But enough talk. When do I take my clothes off?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“During an interview with Playboy — that’s right, Playboy — Dick Cheney said President Obama is the worst president in his lifetime. Meanwhile, subscribers to Playboy said Cheney was the worst centerfold in their lifetime.” – Conan O’Brien

“Dick Cheney said in a Playboy interview this week that Barack Obama is the worst president of his lifetime. Come on, you can’t tell me Obama is worse than Martin Van Buren.” – Seth Meyers

“Everyone’s busy filling out their March Madness brackets. Even Jeb Bush filled one out. And you can tell he’s running for president because his picks for the Final Four are Iowa, Iowa, Iowa, and Iowa.” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama filled out his March Madness bracket. You can tell Obama’s mind is elsewhere because his top two picks were Israel and Iran.” – Conan O’Brien

“President Obama recently sat down with ESPN and said the NCAA should reduce the shot clock for basketball games. Then he said, ‘And while we’re at it, is there any way they can reduce the ‘being president clock’?” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama has decided that he wants his presidential library to be in Chicago, not Hawaii. Today Hawaii’s governor said, ‘Great, who’s going to want to come to Hawaii now?'” – Conan O’Brien

“Mitt Romney, two-time Republican presidential candidate, is going to fight Evander Holyfield for charity. I hope they save some of that money for funeral expenses.” – David Letterman

“Everybody was upset that Vladimir Putin was missing. He was in Switzerland with his girlfriend. She had a baby in Switzerland because in Russia childbirth is not covered by Putin-care.” – David Letterman

“Arnold Schwarzenegger was stopped by police in Australia this week for riding a bike without a helmet. It’s especially dangerous for Schwarzenegger because if he got a concussion, how would you know?” – Seth Meyers

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Onward Religious Objections

On Thursday, Indiana governor Mike Pence signed the “Religious Freedom Restoration Act” into law. This bill is also known as the “Religious Objections” act, because it allows business owners to discriminate against people based on their sexual orientation, as long as they do it because of religious beliefs.

The bill was opposed by the (Republican) mayor of Indianapolis, by the chamber of commerce and other business groups, which is ironic, because this law is supposedly protecting the religious freedom of business people.

But what is really ironic is that “religious objections” laws turns illegal discrimination on its head. As a spokesman for the ACLU put it, “Somehow the person being discriminated against has become the business owner who is discriminating against someone.” In Indiana at least, it is now illegal to discriminate against me because I discriminate against other people.

Yeah, and “War is Peace, Freedom is Slavery, and Ignorance is Strength”.

I’m also getting very annoyed at laws that claim to be about religious freedom, but are really about Christianity, as this video satirically points out:

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The Latest News in Climate Denial

1984 is alive and well in Florida. And California is feeling the heat.

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Late Night Political Humor

“Hillary Clinton was actually inducted into the Irish American Hall of Fame yesterday. Hillary said she’s very proud of her Irish heritage, or her Italian heritage, or her Asian heritage. Whatever it takes to seal the deal with you guys. I’ve got to get into that Oval Office.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The prime minister of Ireland will be celebrating St. Patrick’s Day at the White House. So finally the Secret Service agents will have a drinking buddy.” – Conan O’Brien

“St. Patrick’s Day is the fourth biggest drinking day in America. It’s not the biggest. It’s right behind New Year’s Eve, Fourth of July, or any Secret Service party.” – David Letterman

“Mitt Romney announced he will fight former heavyweight champion Evander Holyfield in a charity boxing match. You can tell that Romney is serious about it. Today, his butler gave him a piggyback ride up the steps of the Philadelphia art museum.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Mitt Romney has a fund-raiser. He’s going to get in the ring and fight Evander Holyfield. This is the dumbest thing Republicans have done since they wrote that open letter to Iran.” – David Letterman

It turns out they’re already trying a bunch of nicknames to try to hype up the match. First they considered ‘Vanilla in Manila.’ Next up, they tried ‘Lean and Mean versus L.L. Bean.’ Finally, ‘Mitt Romney Loses to Another Black Guy.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Texas Senator Ted Cruz said if elected president he would abolish the Department of Education. But not to worry. He promised to replace it with the less expensive Bureau of Book Learning.” – Conan O’Brien

“Remember evil Russian dictator Vladimir Putin? He vanished for 10 days. He had disappeared and there were a lot of rumors. One rumor was he had disappeared because he had himself executed.” – David Letterman

“It’s rumored that Arnold Schwarzenegger’s son is cheating on his girlfriend Miley Cyrus. After hearing about it Arnold said, ‘That’s my boy’.” – Conan O’Brien

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In Summary

Tom Tomorrow
© Tom Tomorrow

Now that we have our first announced candidate, the presidential race (which somehow seems like it has been already going on for 53,000 years) is officially off and running!

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Naturally!

Yesterday, Ted Cruz (R-TX) announced he was running for the presidency, giving a speech that has already been fact-checked and unsurprisingly found to be lacking in truth.

Our favorite presidential election results predictor, FiveThirtyEight.com, says that “Cruz almost certainly has no shot at winning the nomination, according to every indicator that predicts success in presidential primaries”. He isn’t even very popular among Republicans. And if he gets past that hurdle, in matchups against Hillary Clinton, “Cruz has done the worst of any of the possible 2016 Republican nominees.”

Nevertheless, some people are comparing him to Barack Obama:

I’m obviously not the first person to compare these two ambitious, young, Ivy-educated freshmen senators who spent roughly 15 minutes in the U.S. Senate before deciding to run for president.

And like Obama, Cruz has already attracted his own birthers. Yesterday, Donald Trump told Fox News that he doubts that Cruz can legally run for president because he was born in Canada.

Unlike Obama, there is no doubt that Cruz was not born in the US, and he didn’t even give up his Canadian citizenship until last year, but he claims that he is eligible to be president because his mother was American (his father was Cuban). The constitution requires that the president be a “natural born citizen” but never defines what that means. Personally, I wouldn’t care if Cruz was born in Kenya. I’m more concerned about his allegiance to Goldman Sachs.

UPDATE: At least Cruz got some satirical support from The Onion:

Announcing his 2016 presidential bid before thousands of students at Liberty University, Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) boldly declared Monday that the nation had done absolutely nothing to deserve a better candidate than himself. “I want you to take a good, hard look at me, America, because this is exactly what you’ve got coming,” said Cruz, adding that the country was kidding itself if it thought it was worthy of higher-quality leadership than exactly what he was prepared to offer. “Deep down, you know you’ve got no business supporting anyone else. I’m all you’re entitled to, so just give me your vote and watch what happens. You earned it.” Cruz went on to say that, in some ways, he might actually be a better candidate than the nation deserved.

The Onion fails to mention that attendance by Liberty University students was mandatory.

UPDATE 2: Cruz announces that he is going on Obamacare. Yes that’s right, the man who shut down the US government in a vain attempt to kill Obamacare. Previously, he got his health insurance through his wife, who works for Goldman Sachs, but she is going on leave for the duration of his campaign.

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