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Late Night Political Humor

[Jokes from May 9, 2016]

“Jeb Bush wrote a Facebook post congratulating Donald Trump for securing the Republican nomination, but said he still won’t support him. Yeah, Jeb wrote an insincere Facebook post. Or as that’s also known, ‘a Facebook post’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“A former speechwriter for John McCain said Donald Trump has an unstable personality. This is coming from the guy who wrote the words, ‘Please welcome my running mate, Sarah Palin.'” – Conan O’Brien

“House Speaker Paul Ryan today defended himself against criticism from fellow Republicans over his reluctance to endorse Donald Trump and said, ‘I just want to get to know the guy.’ ‘Us, too’, said Eric and Donald Jr.” – Seth Meyers

“On ‘Meet the Press’ yesterday, Trump said he would like to see the minimum wage increased, saying, ‘I don’t know how people make it on $7.25 an hour.’ Then his butlers said, ‘Just barely’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump announced today that if he wins the presidency, Chris Christie will lead his transition team and help put together the Trump administration. Because if there’s anything Christie knows how to do, it’s fill a cabinet.” – Seth Meyers

“A tow truck driver in Asheville, North Carolina, who supports Donald Trump evidently stranded a disabled woman on the side of the road after he saw a Bernie Sanders bumper sticker on her car. Telling the woman that she was obviously a socialist and that she should call the government for help, he then drove away on a road that I assume he paved himself.” – Stephen Colbert

“The guy says whenever he deals with Bernie supporters they don’t pay him — as opposed to the Trump supporters, who make Mexico pay him.” – Stephen Colbert

“This morning, Bernie Sanders held a rally in Atlantic City. Sanders said, ‘I have a lot in common with Atlantic City — we were both in our prime in the 1920s.'” – Conan O’Brien

“North Korea’s ruling political party announced today that they will be giving leader Kim Jong Un a new title. I’m gonna guess: Is it the heavyweight title?” – Seth Meyers

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P Trump Barnum

Paul Szep
© Paul Szep

But will it be close enough to get elected?

And will Donald Trump produce John Barron’s birth certificate?

UPDATE: Donald Trump attacks Hillary Clinton, saying “she knows nothing about national security” and dismisses her experience as secretary of state because “she’s incompetent”. “She is grossly incompetent when it comes to national security. And ISIS sits back and laughs at her.” So says the man with absolutely no experience with foreign affairs other than beauty pageants. Indeed, Trump’s anti-Muslim statements are already being used by ISIS to recruit new fighters. In addition, Trump claims he opposed the Libya invation and the Iraq war, while according to the Wall Street Journal “evidence suggests he backed them both”.

Trump’s belligerence, lies, and disregard for reality shows that his foreign policies would closely mirror those of George W Bush. In fact, they could be much worse, as Trump has repeatedly said he thinks additional nations should acquire nuclear weapons.

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Late Night Political Humor

[Jokes from May 6, 2016]

“Everybody is getting into the spirit for Mother’s Day, even Donald Trump, who tweeted: ‘Happy Mother’s Day! The best tuna casserole is made at Trump Tower Grill. I love mothers.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“After speaking out against Donald Trump’s plan to build a border wall, former Mexican President Vicente Fox has invited Trump to Mexico as a peace offering. Fox was like, ‘When you land, just look for my driver ‘El Chapo’.” –J immy Fallon

“Then Trump invited Vicente Fox to Trump Tower Grill to see what real Mexican food tastes like.” – Jimmy Fallon

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I’m Shaking!

Tim Eagan
© Tim Eagan

Don’t wish for something too hard. You might just get it.

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The Lyin’ King

Phil Hands
© Phil Hands

People are tired of politicians who will say anything to get elected, so they pick someone who will say anything to get elected, but who isn’t a politician. Doesn’t that make sense?

UPDATE: Trump not only leads PolitiFact’s “Pants on Fire” brigade (a stunning 76% of his statements are Pants on Fire, False, or Mostly False), but he just keeps on lying.

Here’s just a few recent examples:

In a speech on Friday, Trump said that Hillary Clinton “wants to abolish the Second Amendment” and that she would release violent criminals from prison. Both of these are lies. Making this even more hypocritical, in Trump’s book “The America We Deserve” he called for strong gun controls. In the same speech, Trump repeatedly claimed that gun rights are critical for fighting terrorism. But according to PolitiFact, Trump’s incendiary statements about Muslims are already being used in terrorist propaganda videos to recruit new fighters.

Or remember when Trump skipped the Fox News debate and held a fundraiser for veterans instead? He claimed that they raised $6 million for veterans groups. This week we found out that was a lie.

Trump claims to hate tax loopholes and says that corporate executives who use loopholes “get away with murder”. Trump said on CBS News “They make a fortune. They pay no tax. It’s ridiculous, okay?” That’s interesting, because this week we found out that in the only tax returns we have ever seen for Donald Trump, he paid a big fat zero in federal taxes by taking advantage of a loophole for developers. No wonder he refuses to release anything more recent. Just this week, Trump said he pays “substantial taxes”. What are the chances that is another lie?

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The Foxes Taking Over the Hen House

Donald Trump’s ally David Bossie has just won a four year seat on the Republican National Committee. Even though Trump is not yet the official nominee, his status as the presumptive nominee already gives him sway in the Republican party. So even if he loses the general election, he will influence our politics.

Why is this interesting? Because David Bossie is the CEO of Citizens United, the group that won the lawsuit that opened up the floodgates of money considerably wider in our elections. So people who believe that Trump would reduce the power of special interests in our politics seem to have been sadly misled.

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Late Night Political Humor

[Jokes from May 5, 2016]

“In honor of Cinco de Mayo, Donald Trump tweeted a picture of himself eating a taco bowl. Then, Trump tried to get Mexico to pay for it.” – Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump observed Cinco de Mayo. He posted this on Facebook, ‘Happy Cinco de Mayo! The best taco bowls are made in Trump Tower Grill. I love Hispanics!’ There you go. All is forgiven. He even built a little wall around the Mexican salad so it doesn’t get on his American desk.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“‘It’s Cinco de mayo!’ said Chris Christie as he finished his fifth jar of mayonnaise.” – Seth Meyers

“Today is the Mexican holiday of Cinco de Mayo. Or as it will be known under President Trump, ‘May the Goddamn Fifth.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Trump has graciously said that he’s willing to consider some of his previous Republican rivals [for vice president], as long as they don’t remember any of the things he said about them. So we might be looking at the ticket of ‘Trump/Liar 16’, ‘Trump/Low Energy 16’, ‘Trump/A Face Like That 16’, and ‘Trump/Lil’ Sweaty Guy 16′. All winning tickets.” – Stephen Colbert

“Donald Trump said his vice presidential pick might be one of his presidential rivals. When asked which one, Trump said, ‘I haven’t decided yet if it’s the liar, the loser, or the fat pig.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump has already started outlining plans for what he hopes to accomplish during his first 100 days in office. Once he’s done outlining, he’s going to start coloring it in. ‘What’s the best color for walls?'” – Seth Meyers

“Donald Trump says that by the 100th day of his presidency the wall on the border of Mexico will be designed, the immigration ban on Muslims will be in place, the four horsemen will be scheduled to appear. He’ll get to work chiseling Roosevelt’s face on Mount Rushmore and replacing it with his own.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“If Bernie Sanders is elected, he plans on spending the first 100 days figuring out the Lincoln Bedroom DVR.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Despite falling behind in delegates, Bernie Sanders insists he still has nine states left to go. Unfortunately, five of those states are Denial, Anger, Grief, Bargaining, and Acceptance.” –Conan O’Brien

“Bernie’s reportedly running out of money. They’re said to be low on cash. His fundraising fell in April partly due to the fact that most of his donors were at Coachella for most of April.” – Jimmy Kimmel

We’re still all reeling from Tuesday’s primary in Indiana. Bernie Sanders scored a huge upset victory that raised his campaign from the grave. Which explains why he has the same hair as an extra on ‘The Walking Dead.'” – Stephen Colbert

“Bernie Sanders said yesterday that he intends to do everything that he can to prevent a Donald Trump presidency. Though I don’t know what he can try that Donald Trump hasn’t tried already.” – Seth Meyers

“I saw that former presidents George W. Bush and George H.W. Bush announced that they will not endorse anyone in the 2016 presidential race. Even crazier, they said that before Jeb dropped out.” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama and the first lady were seen dancing with R2D2 and Storm Troopers yesterday in honor of Star Wars day. But C-3PO wasn’t there — that’s just how the president dances.” – Seth Meyers

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Proactive

Dan Wasserman
© Dan Wasserman

Republicans are on the job finding solutions to problems that don’t even exist. Don’t you feel protected?

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The Candidate of Misinformation

A detailed analysis of voting during the Republican primaries shows that two of Donald Trump’s main claims – that he is bringing in new voters to the Republican party, and that he is even attracting Democrats to vote for him – are just lies and misinformation. Or as Politico puts it:

Donald Trump likes to say he has created a political movement that has drawn “millions and millions” of new voters into the Republican Party. “It’s the biggest thing happening in politics,” Trump has said. “All over the world, they’re talking about it,” he’s bragged.

But a Politico analysis of the early 2016 voting data show that, so far, it’s just not true.

It is true that GOP turnout during the primaries is way up, but these are not new voters. Instead, these are staunch Republicans who have voted reliably in the general election, but who (until now) rarely voted in primaries (many were voting in the primary for the first time).

So while the GOP primaries have been exciting, the 2016 electoral map is still tilted against the Republicans. Trump is not getting anywhere enough new voters to change that. Furthermore, the excitement in the primaries doesn’t translate into excitement in the general election. Indeed, Trump is so unpopular with young people, Latinos, Asian-Americans, and African-Americans, that it is likely to have the opposite effect.

And speaking of misinformation, which one of these two popular Trump themes is true?

Jake Clark
© Jake Clark

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Late Night Political Humor

[Jokes from May 3, 2016]

“Today was the Indiana primary, and the results are in. Donald Trump saw his shadow, so there are six more months of the election!” – Jimmy Fallon

“Trump had a big win. Indiana is a basketball state. He’s worried that if he spent too much time there, people might try to grab his orange head and try to dribble it.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Earlier in his campaign, Trump was calling Carly Fiorina ugly. Now he’s saying he might pick her up if she falls down. Guys, that’s growth. He’s getting more presidential every day.” – James Corden

“The Indiana primary was today and we’re this much closer to having a president who starts Twitter fights with Cher.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Today was the Indiana primary and the winner was, of course, Donald Trump. But the big news was that Ted Cruz ended his presidential campaign. I can’t believe Cruz is quitting the race. I mean, who quits just because they’ve lost?” – James Corden

“Cruz said he’s looking forward to being able to spend more time with his family. In response, his family said, ‘Are you sure you want to quit?'” – James Corden

“Just before Cruz exited the race, Donald Trump implied that Ted Cruz’s dad may have been involved in the Kennedy assassination. This is very unlike Trump. Usually, he thoroughly investigates a story before repeating it to millions of people.” – James Corden

“Trump is trying to spread the tabloid story that Ted Cruz’s dad is somehow involved in the assassination of JFK. While I’m pretty sure Rafael Cruz didn’t have anything to do with the assassination of JFK, he does look like a James Bond villain from the Sean Connery era.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Donald Trump is implying that Ted Cruz’s father had something to do with the Kennedy assassination. Even worse, Ted Cruz’s father had something to do with Ted Cruz.” – Conan O’Brien

“Yesterday, Heidi Cruz was asked about rumors that her husband is the Zodiac Killer, and she said, ‘I’ve been married to him for 15 years, and I know pretty well who he is.’ That story again: Heidi Cruz didn’t actually deny that her husband was the Zodiac Killer.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Today in Indiana, Ted Cruz called Donald Trump ‘a pathological liar’, ‘a narcissist’, ‘utterly immoral’, and ‘a serial philanderer’. Then Cruz turned to Trump and said, ‘Teach me, Master!'” – Conan O’Brien

“Ted Cruz suspending his campaign is great news for the only other candidate, John Kasich, who is now just waiting for Donald Trump to drop out.” – James Corden

“Trump now leads Ted Cruz by 42 points, which is too many points. Is anybody else starting to feel bad for Ted Cruz? Poor guy probably wants to lock himself up in a transgender bathroom and never come out.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Today is Teacher Appreciation Day, and President Obama thanked his fifth-grade teacher, Ms. Mabel Hefty. Then Bernie Sanders thanked his fifth-grade teacher, Aristotle.” – Conan O’Brien

“A high school girl brought a cardboard cut-out of Bernie Sanders as her prom date. Meanwhile, another girl brought a cardboard cut-out of John Kasich that turned out to be John Kasich.” – Conan O’Brien

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Vacation

I’ll be off on vacation for a few days, far away from any internet connection. There will be new posts (they will appear after this post).

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Voting Against Their Own Interests?

The New York Daily News (yeah, I know) has an interesting article, where they interviewed some Trump supporters. But these weren’t regular Trump supporters, they are members of groups that tend to not like Trump very much. Americans like women, Muslims, Blacks, Asians, Mexicans, and from India. People who have been insulted by Trump in the harshest ways, and yet they plan on voting for him.

For example, there is the Mexican-American woman whose father emigrated illegally from Mexico in the 80s and became a citizen 8 years later, but she now thinks that Trump should build his wall to keep other illegals out.

Or the Muslim-American teenager who is the son of two immigrants who fled Afghanistan, but who supports Trump’s “temporary” ban on Muslims entering the US because:

I’m Shia, and most of the refugees are radical Sunnis. … It’s not that I don’t like them; it’s that I don’t support what they do. … They killed my people and stuff, so I don’t want them to come here.

Then there is the Black pastor who has even spoken at numerous Trump rallies, because Trump will “create jobs”. He also blames the Democrats and Obama for currently heightened racial tensions.

And finally the woman who claims that Trump is not sexist because he insults everyone:

I really don’t care about what he says to other women. Women have fought very long to be treated equally to men. … If he talks about women and talks about men the same, then there’s really no difference.

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It is all about Money

The more things change, the more they stay the same. Some of us were hoping that once Donald Trump became the presumed GOP nominee, that the media would stop talking about him incessantly. But apparently, the media is as addicted to talking about Trump as ever. After being criticized for basically bankrolling Trump’s campaign by giving him massive amounts of free publicity, they are “making amends” by still giving him publicity, but now they are trying to balance things by giving him negative publicity.

The problem is, they are talking about things that don’t matter. For example, Saturday the New York Times published “Crossing the Line: How Donald Trump Behaved With Women in Private” where they interviewed more than 50 people who had either worked for Trump or observed his crude behavior. But this is not news. Does anyone not know that Donald Trump is a sexist pig? Hasn’t he made that abundantly clear over and over again?

The people who support Trump know it. In fact, I’d guess that some of them are happy that he doesn’t feel any need to be “politically correct” and says what he feels. And if you already dislike Trump, this article will not make any difference.

Another example are the shocking reports that Donald Trump called the media and pretended to be someone else so he could brag about himself. Again, does anyone not know that Trump is a narcissist and has an ego that is bigger than his bank account? And that he would say or do almost anything to get attention?

What I want to know is why they aren’t concentrating on stories that are actually germane to the election. For example, the fact that despite promising that he would never be beholden to rich donors because he would self-fund his election (which was pretty much the entire appeal of his candidacy) Trump has now completely reversed course, and is busy courting those rich donors. So all those people who voted for an “outsider” who couldn’t be bought, you were played like a cheap violin. Where’s the outrage?

On Friday morning, casino magnate Sheldon Adelson endorsed Trump, and even urged other GOP donors to join him in supporting Trump. Reportedly Trump and his team have been courting Adelson for months. Doesn’t anyone want to know what Trump promised Adelson in return for his backing? It must have been a whopper.

Trump also claims he doesn’t need money from super-PACs, but another Vegas casino owner, Phil Ruffin, just wrote a $1 million check to “Make America Great Again”, a super-PAC that was supposedly shut down after the media exposed that it was illegally coordinating with the Trump campaign a little too much.

Another example is Stanley Hubbard, a billionaire media mogul. It wasn’t that long ago that Hubbard wrote a check to “Our Principles PAC”, whose sole purpose was destroying Trump’s candidacy. But apparently Hubbard has seen the light and is now supporting Trump. Did Trump have to promise him something really big to make him flip-flop like a dying fish?

And there is T. Boone Pickens, the oil tycoon who desperately wants the US to stay addicted to fossil fuels, who is hosting a fundraiser for a super-PAC that supports Trump.

So people who are supporting Trump because they are tired of the special interests controlling Washington are now going to turn Washington over entirely to those special interests. Heck, they want to elect a special interest as president.

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Late Night Political Humor

[Jokes from May 2, 2016]

“The White House Correspondents’ Dinner was on Saturday, and President Obama ended his speech by saying ‘Obama out’ and literally dropping the mic. Then Hillary Clinton caught the mic mid-air and said, ‘LET’S DO THIS!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“The White House Correspondents’ Dinner was this weekend. President Obama said it was fun. Larry Wilmore said he was honored. And Bernie Sanders said the portions were too small.” – Seth Meyers

“During an after-party following the Correspondents’ Dinner, a fight broke out between reporters at Fox News and The Huffington Post. But no major details came out about the fight – ‘cuz it was only witnessed by CNN reporters.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The White House announced yesterday that Malia Obama will attend Harvard University, but that she plans to take a year off before starting. Malia got the idea after seeing how much fun her dad is having with HIS year off.” – Jimmy Fallon

“As Bernie Sanders’ campaign is winding down, he had to fire hundreds of staff members. Now Bernie is down to a campaign director, a speechwriter, and a 22-year-old whose job is to keep explaining to him what Snapchat is.” – Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump criticized Hillary Clinton today for making a remark he says is offensive to Native Americans. Trump’s exact words were ‘you stole my speech.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Indiana is holding its primary tomorrow, and Donald Trump is currently leading Ted Cruz by 15 points. While John Kasich still holds a narrow lead over ‘Not Sure’.” – Seth Meyers

“At a Ted Cruz rally, Carly Fiorina fell off the stage and Cruz didn’t help her up. The entire crowd immediately began chanting, ‘Metaphor! Metaphor!'” – Conan O’Brien

“At a Ted Cruz rally, a young boy yelled ‘you suck’ at Ted Cruz. In other words, there is hope for America’s future after all.” – Conan O’Brien

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Trump is Nothing Like Reagan

If you have read this blog for a while, you know that I love a good rant, and I recently read one. Paul Kengor, who has spent most of his life researching Ronald Reagan, including writing six major books about him, finally got fed up with people comparing Donald Trump to Ronald Reagan. The rant starts out a little slow, but it soon works up a great head of steam.

But to cut to the chase, here is Kengor’s conclusion:

Let me state unequivocally and undeniably that not only is Donald Trump not the “next Reagan,” but he is the anti-Reagan. Really, I find not only that the two men have preciously little in common, from their policies to their person, but I think there may be no two men more glaringly different. Donald Trump is a polar opposite of Ronald Reagan.

For example, while both Reagan and Trump have favorability/unfavorability ratings in the 60 to 70 percent range, in Reagan’s case it was a favorability rating, while in Trump’s case it is an unfavorability rating.

Kengor gives example after example. I’ll let you go read the whole rant.

But while we are talking about comparing Trump and Reagan, Trump himself tried to compare himself to Reagan, saying at a rally “I haven’t even started on Hillary, and my numbers are better right now than Ronald Reagan’s numbers were with Jimmy Carter.” PolitiFact found Trump’s numbers “false”. Trump’s numbers are not better, they are twice as bad as Reagan’s numbers were with Carter. Furthermore in a CBS News / New York Times poll in April 1980, only 13% said they would never vote for Reagan, while in two recent polls, a full 54% said they would definitely not vote for Trump. Every other “number” they could find was worse than for Reagan.

And finally, even Reagan released his tax return.

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