Political Irony

© Michael Ramirez

Of course, his fall was also softened by a golden parachute.

“Did you watch the debate last night? I gave up drinking a while ago, but I started again. And I’m watching the debate last night, and I did a shot every time John McCain said, ‘My friends.’ And so I am just blotto.” -David Letterman

“During last night’s debate, John McCain sparked a bit of a controversy when he referred to Barack Obama as ‘That One.’ Yeah, afterwards, McCain said, “What? Like I’m supposed to remember everybody’s name now?” -Conan O’Brien

“Of course, Barack Obama criticized John McCain for singing ‘Bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb Iran.’ Remember that? Ironically, it’s now the number one song in Israel.” -Jay Leno

“And the only really new proposal last night came from John McCain. McCain proposed buying up bad homeowner mortgages. Not to save the middle class. You know McCain, he just likes buying houses.” -Jay Leno

“I don’t know, what did you think of the debate? Anything? Anything going on there? I’m not sure that John McCain actually helped himself. In fact, I think maybe he blew off the wrong show.” -David Letterman

“Hey, did you all watch the debate last night between Barack Obama and John McCain? You know, all the networks had their own spin on it. Like, ABC called it ‘Dancing Around the Questions.’ I thought that was pretty good. MTV billed it as ‘Ebony and History.'” -Jay Leno

“But they had the town hall format, and that meant that the candidates could wander around on stage. You know, I like John McCain, but wandering around on stage there, he looked like a retiree who can’t find his Buick.” -David Letterman

“Boy, that was dull, wasn’t it? Oh, my God. I guess this time they went with the town hall format. They use that because they say it demonstrates the next president’s ability to think and talk at the same time. Or as President Bush calls that, ‘showing off.'” -Jay Leno

“And it was broadcast live from Nashville. You know, I don’t want to say the debate was boring. But I never thought a political event in Tennessee could be that dull without the help of Al Gore.” -Jay Leno

“It got a little heated at one point during the debate. McCain talked about experience and he said, ‘We don’t have time for on-the-job training.’ Then why did you pick Sarah Palin?” -Jay Leno

“Sarah Palin was not mentioned during the debate and did not watch the debate. I thought that was interesting. And they said, ‘Well, Sarah, why? I’m sorry, Miss Alaska — why didn’t you watch the debate?’ And she said, ‘Well, I’m busy reading every newspaper and magazine ever published.'” -David Letterman

“Sarah Palin has vowed to do only a few interviews between now and the election. Katie Couric’s interview, she called it ‘gotcha journalism.’ Not doing any more of those. Just doing friendly interviews now, which she calls ‘you betcha!’ journalism.” -Jay Leno

“People looking into Barack Obama’s campaign contributions say that Obama may have received $3.3 million from abroad. Yeah. It turns out that broad is Oprah Winfrey.” -Conan O’Brien

“Possible controversy for the Obama campaign. Republicans are now accusing Barack Obama’s campaign of voter fraud, because some of the people they’ve registered sound like they have fake names. Apparently, the fakest-sounding name is Barack Obama.” -Conan O’Brien

“Time magazine says that the winner of the presidential election in Florida will be determined by voters under the age of 30. In case you’re wondering, the Florida voters under 30 are named Kyle and Stacy.” -Conan O’Brien

“You know, you see a lot of these financial experts on the news the last couple of weeks. And isn’t the very fact they’re in this mess proof there’s no such thing as a financial expert? Huh, huh? Anyway, the good news, Secretary Treasurer Henry Paulson called for calm today. The bad news, he made the call from the Cayman Islands.” -Jay Leno

Yesterday, Keith Olbermann read on his show a poem that was sent to him by none other than John Cleese. You really should watch Olbermann read the poem (at about the 2:45 mark), but if you are too lazy, here’s the text:

Ode to Sean Hannity
by John Cleese

Aping urbanity
Oozing with vanity
Plump as a manatee
Faking humanity
Journalistic calamity
Intellectual inanity
Fox Noise insanity
You’re a profanity
Hannity

Now on Comedy Central’s Indecision 2008 site, readers have been sending in their own Hannity poems. Here’s one of them:

I’d like to see Sean
Mowing the lawn
In widescreen Technorama
I’d like to see Sean
Mowing the lawn
Of the White House for Mr. Obama

Feel free to leave your own poetic masterpieces in the comments.

“Tonight’s presidential debate was actually what they called town hall style, which means instead of ignoring the moderator’s questions, the candidates can ignore the voters directly.” -Jay Leno

“This was what they call the town hall format, and that means that the candidates get to walk around on stage, and it was pretty successful, John McCain only wandered off twice.” -David Letterman

“It’s a town hall format, which is John McCain’s favorite way to speak to crowds, as opposed to Barack Obama’s favorite way, a sermon on the mount. See, it’s a little different.” -Jay Leno

“The second presidential debate is tonight. And beforehand, I don’t know if you heard this, John McCain said, ‘The gloves are coming off.’ That’s what he said, yeah. Yeah, then McCain said, ‘but don’t worry, the diaper is staying on.'” -Conan O’Brien

“Tonight’s presidential debate took place in Nashville, Tennessee, which is perfect, ’cause the economy right now is kind of like a bad country song, isn’t it? ‘I lost my girl, I lost the house, the dog died, the trailer’s gone.'” -Jay Leno

“This presidential debate was held in Nashville, Tennessee, and I think, according to Sarah Palin, that borders Iraq. I’m not sure.” -David Letterman

“In a recent speech, Sarah Palin referred to Afghanistan as ‘our neighboring country.’ Yeah, yeah. Then she promised to find Osama bin Laden in the mountains of Toronto.” -Conan O’Brien

“In Boca Raton, Florida, yesterday, a woman who looked like Sarah Palin caused a near riot when she walked into a diner for breakfast. And after a minute or two, people finally realized it wasn’t her when she started answering questions.” -Jay Leno

“Sarah Palin is attacking Barack Obama for palling around with terrorists. Like this William Ayers guy, apparently a ’60s radical who allegedly once set off a bomb in a Capitol building men’s room. Set off a bomb in the men’s room? Well, Senator Larry Craig said, ‘The guy’s an animal! What a horrible, despicable thing to do!'” -Jay Leno

“John McCain’s wife, Cindy McCain, has won the ‘Family Circle’ magazine presidential cookie contest. Cindy won with a recipe for oatmeal butterscotch cookies, narrowly beating out Michelle Obama with her recipe for macadamia nut cookies filled with hope.” -Jay Leno

“In fact, John McCain says his wife’s cookies are so soft, he can eat them without even putting his teeth in. Well, you see, with all of the excitement of the election, it’s easy to forget about President President Bush, because next year, he’ll be unemployed and he’ll be at that awkward age — too young to retire, yet too old to decimate another nation’s economy.” -Jay Leno

“President Bush’s response to this economic crisis was to meet with some small business owners at a soda shop in San Antonio, Texas, this week. Well, the bad news? The small business owners are now General Motors, General Electric, and Century 21.” -Jay Leno

“President Bush gave a speech today about the economy. And he said he believes, this is his quote. He said, ‘Anyone who makes bad decisions should fail.’ That’s what he said, yeah. Yeah, then Bush looked around the room and said, ‘Hey, why did it get so quiet in here?'” -Conan O’Brien

Betty Boop for President:

“By the way, did you hear this? This just in, a backwoods hiker has found the wreckage of John McCain’s campaign.” -David Letterman

“Big announcement today. John McCain’s campaign, I don’t know if you heard this, has closed their offices in Michigan, and they say they won’t try to compete for votes there. That’s the latest. Yeah, apparently, this is part of McCain’s strategy to try to win votes only in the original 13 colonies. Focus on your strengths. He’s going to campaign by horseback” -Conan O’Brien

“John McCain has pulled out of Michigan. I guess the surge wasn’t working. Yup, this is stunning to me. John McCain blew off Michigan. Well, I know how they feel. Maybe you noticed that all of John McCain’s problems began when he bailed out on this show? Were you aware of that? The road to the White House runs right through here.” -David Letterman

“Nation, what a debate last Thursday. Both candidates surpassed expectations. Sarah Palin proved she could speak, and Joe Biden proved he could stop speaking.” -Stephen Colbert

“According to a new survey, only 25% of Americans think Sarah Palin is qualified to be president, which sounds bad, but only 10% think Bush is qualified. So, it’s really not that bad.” -Jay Leno

“Are you excited about Sarah Palin? Well, yesterday she referred to Afghanistan as our neighboring country. Apparently, she can see bin Laden’s cave from her house.” -David Letterman

During the vice presidential debate, Sarah Palin would wink a couple of times when she delivered a line. Did you see that? She’d kinda wink and try to use a little sex appeal. See, the other candidates could never get away with that. Like, if Barack Obama winked, that would seen as too condescending. If Joe Biden winked, it’d be too creepy. And if McCain started winking, everybody would think he was having a stroke.” -Jay Leno

“And now she’s going crazy, Sarah Palin, she is ready to go, she is saying now, the heels are on, and the gloves are off. And that’s the kind of thing that used to cost Eliot Spitzer a thousand bucks.” -David Letterman

“In Bangkok, a candidate for governor beat up a TV reporter for asking him tough questions. Today, Sarah Palin said, ‘You can do that? Where’s Katie Couric?'” -Jay Leno

“During the debate the other night, the moderator asked Sarah Palin to describe her Achilles heel, but instead of talking about her biggest weakness, she talked about her greatest strength, which apparently is not answering questions.” -Jay Leno

“I don’t know, should we talk about the stock market? Oh my gosh, today, talk about your roller coaster, dropped 800 points. Whoa, so thank you, bailout rescue plan. Thank you very much.” -David Letterman

“Well, this is not good. This week, the Labor Department announced 159,000 people lost their jobs last month. Worst job loss in five years. But here’s the ironic part, all 435 members of Congress still have their jobs. How does that work out?” -Jay Leno

“And Richard Fuld, the former CEO of Lehman Brothers was grilled by Congress today. And they made him explain why he took $480 million in compensation, when he knew some shareholders would lose their life savings. Turns out, he had a good reason. Apparently, he is a greedy bastard.” -Jay Leno

“The price of oil dropped below $90 a barrel today. I guess the oil companies backed off screwing the American public now that the federal government has taken on the job. The government can handle it now, we’ve screwed them enough. … Well, President Bush said this is good, the price falling, because see now people can afford to drive the cars they’re living in.” -Jay Leno