“The highly-anticipated vice presidential debate between Joe Biden and Sarah Palin was held Thursday night. And the big winner was whoever you already liked.” -Amy Poehler
“Anybody see the debate last night? Whoa. And they’re saying that Sarah Palin actually did pretty well, and that Joe Biden avoided any verbal gaffes, and I’m thinking, well, what fun was that? That was no fun at all, for God sakes.” -David Letterman
“Of course, the most controversial thing Sarah Palin said last night was she felt the vice president should have more power. More power? Dick Cheney is shooting people in the face and doesn’t even get arrested. You cannot get any more powerful than that.” -Jay Leno
“The good news is, Sarah Palin can complete a sentence. The bad news is, the rest of us have to listen to it.” -Bill Maher
“Yeah, there was nothing embarrassing from either candidate. Damn! No, political analysts say it was a strong debate by both candidates and there were no losers, okay, other than gay people who want to get married.” -Jay Leno
“But this doesn’t affect the right-wingers. Today, have you heard what they’ve been saying about this? I mean, they’re in love. Rich Lowry, who is the editor of the National Review, it’s kind of a serious publication. Listen to what he said. He said, Palin projects through the screen like crazy. He said, I’m sure I’m not the only male in America who, when she started dropping her first wink, sat up a little straighter on my couch. And her smile, it was so sparkling, it’s like little starbursts through the screen. This man needs to get laid so badly.” -Bill Maher
“During the debate, Palin winked, wrinkled her nose, and gave a shout-out to a third-grade class. Well, you know, that says commander-in-chief to me right there. You betcha!” -David Letterman
“Sarah Palin kept winking at the camera. See that? She kept winking all the time. For a minute, I thought maybe John McCain had been captured again and she was trying it to send some kind of a signal.” -Jay Leno
“And everybody’s been asking me, they said, ‘Dave, did you see the debate last night?’ And my answer, of course, is, ‘Ohh, you betcha!'” -David Letterman
“Sarah Palin has already had an effect on foreign relations. I don’t know if you saw this story, but the new president of Pakistan, Ali Zardari, is in hot water, because last week, Sarah was on a class trip to New York, where she met foreign leaders. Oh, you betcha. Oh, you’re darn right she did. Oh yeah, God bless. And one of the leaders she met was Zardari, and he was gushing over her. He said, oh, you’re more gorgeous in person than you are on TV. And so the people in his home country of Pakistan, the Islamists, they issued a fatwa on him, for being too ‘flirty.’ And when Sarah today was told that Zardari had gotten a fatwa because of her, she said, ‘I know, I felt it when he hugged me.'” -Bill Maher
“During an interview with Katie Couric Tuesday, Sarah Palin says she is not opposed to gay people, adding ‘One of my absolute best friends for the last 30 years happens to be gay and I love her dearly and she doesn’t exist.'” -Amy Poehler
“But, of course, what she’s really not having an effect on is the presidential race. Even though she did well in the debate last night, McCain is still sinking in the polls. He’s getting desperate. His new campaign slogan is ‘McCain: The White Obama.'” -Bill Maher
“Here’s some good news. The bailout plan has been passed. Here’s the deal. It went from $700 billion to $800 billion. Now the reason for that, it costs the taxpayers more. If it costs the taxpayers more, the better chance that Congress will vote for it.” -David Letterman
“They passed their $800 billion bailout bill today. Although, some senators who voted for it are now very upset. They didn’t realize, they thought they were giving themselves a pay raise.” -Jay Leno
“Now [McCain] voted for the bailout, which of course passed. … They say it’s going to cost every man, woman and child in this country 2,300 dollars, and if everything goes perfectly, soon, your money will be blowing to the banks so they can lend it back to the U.S. at interest. The free market works, ladies and gentlemen.” -Bill Maher
“Some economists say all this bill really is is a bailout for companies whose bad business judgment ran their companies into the ground, to which NBC said, ‘Really? We should be eligible. We should be getting some of that.'” -Jay Leno
“Congress keeps saying that not only are taxpayers going to get back the $800 billion, oh, they’re going to make money on the deal too. Yeah, yeah. See, now you know where the ‘con’ in congressman comes from. That’s where it comes from.” -Jay Leno
“This bill went from a three-page document to the size of a novel. Literally. It’s the size of a book. You know what that means? Bush will never read it now.” -Jay Leno
“Today, President Bush signed the Wall Street bailout bill, but he said our economy continues to face serious challenges. Bush said he thought those challenges could be overcome as soon as he leaves office in two months.” -Conan O’Brien
“Well, now Europe is trying to put together their own bailout plan. They’re trying to save their banks from failing. Hey, say what you want about America, but we’re still leading the rest of the world. See what I’m saying? We were bankrupt months before them. They are copying us. We are the leaders in this deal.” -Jay Leno
