Political Irony

From the Borowitz Report.

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“I think this unprecedented financial crisis is great news for George Bush. Now this will be the president’s lasting legacy! It will cover up all the things that were going to be his legacy! I mean, just think of Iraq, torture, wiretapping, Katrina as little paint drips on the floor of his presidency. This financial disaster is like painting the whole floor! Now I don’t see any mistakes. It really freshens the place up. Now, sure people in New Orleans’ ninth word still don’t have houses. But soon neither will anyone.” -Stephen Colbert

“Yesterday the stock market suffered its biggest one-day drop in history, falling 777 points. I’m telling you, boy, it’s a good thing John McCain blew me off to go save the economy.” -David Letterman

“The financial crisis has actually helped Barack Obama’s poll numbers. McCain’s plan to suspend his campaign and settle this has backfired on him. Think about it, no one should benefit more from this than the McCain/Palin campaign. Sarah Palin could actually wind up being the perfect candidate. If the world economy does collapse, she’s the only one who knows how to live off the land. You know? A moose in every pot, et cetera.” -Jimmy Kimmel

“Right now the only winner in this economic mess is vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin, who has all her money in pelts.” -David Letterman

“One day after the worst day in the history of the stock market, the Dow surged almost 500 points, with one of the largest single day gains ever. But don’t get too comfortable. The Dow is a little bit like Britney Spears, in a way. Yes, it made a nice comeback today, but at any moment, it could chug a Red Bull and shave its head and punch a photographer and we’ll be right back where we started.” -Jimmy Kimmel

“With the Congress not in session, the stock market made a big comeback today. See, that’s the key to saving the economy. Send these idiots home so they can’t screw up anymore. Exactly. We need more holidays. That’s the problem. More holidays, Jewish, Christian, Buddhist, get them all in there.” -Jay Leno

“Members of Congress have been squabbling over a new bailout package they’re trying to get passed. It’s a tough situation. Everyone agrees it’s something that needs to be done, but nobody wants to be the one that wants to step up and actually do it. Like when grandpa’s diaper needs changing.” -Jimmy Kimmel

“And, of course, Congress, both parties continue to point fingers at each other, as opposed to the rest of the country, which is just giving the finger to Congress.” -Jay Leno

“As you know, Congress voted against the bailout. See, the problem with members of Congress, they were told to vote their conscience. And of course, this totally confused them. Conscience?” -Jay Leno

“I guess you heard the news that the House killed the bailout plan. So Washington failed to act? Oh, I didn’t see that coming. Wow!” -David Letterman

“Of course, the big bailout plan that was supposed to save everything failed yesterday. Political experts say if a new version of the economic bailout plan is going to pass, significant changes are going to have to be made. Yeah. For instance, Congress is going to have to remove the section of the plan that says, ‘Sweet Jesus, please let this work.'” -Conan O’Brien

“Right after the vote, President Bush met behind closed doors with his economic team. Yeah, that was my thought too. Bush has an economic team?” -Jay Leno

“Lawmakers that are for the bailout argued that the government could actually end up making money on this deal. Oh, yeah. The same way the government made money on Amtrak and the post office.” -Jay Leno

“Now yesterday, John McCain said that Federal aid to Wall Street shouldn’t be called a ‘bailout,’ but instead should be called a ‘rescue.’ Yeah. McCain also said he’s not old, he’s ‘geezerific.'” -Conan O’Brien

“Republicans are blaming Nancy Pelosi for the bailout not going through. Democrats are blaming it on an incomplete proposal by the Republicans. John McCain is blaming Barack Obama. Barack Obama is blaming John McCain. And Sarah Palin is praying nobody asks her what’s going on.” -Jay Leno

“Earlier today, John McCain and Sarah Palin introduced a new ‘just say no’ program. McCain told Sarah Palin, ‘If a reporter asks you any questions, just say no!'” -Jay Leno

“We have the big vice presidential debate coming up on Thursday, and Sarah Palin is busy preparing. Right now, for example, she is practicing her caribou-caught-in-the-lights look.” -David Letterman

“Actually, Sarah Palin is currently rehearsing for the debate, but insiders tell me it’s not going that well because she keeps saying, ‘I’d like to buy a vowel, Pat.'” -David Letterman

“Happy Rosh Hashanah! It’s Jewish New Year. Down in Washington DC, a confused George Bush today pardoned a bagel.” -David Letterman

Thanks to Daniel Kurtzman. Be sure to take his Sarah Palin Quiz.

“Today the House of Representatives voted against the Wall Street bailout plan, a plan which House Minority Leader John Boehner called ‘a crap sandwich.’ Yeah, that’s what he said. Congress hasn’t given up though. They’re already working on a new plan which they call ‘a crap sandwich with cheese.'” -Conan O’Brien

“As you know the bailout was voted down. Oh my God. People are stunned. Nancy Pelosi was so shocked, if she could have made a facial expression, she would have.” -Jay Leno

“The House of Representatives, they rejected that $700 billion bailout. The congressmen who voted no were actually pretty evenly divided between party lines. Forty percent of Democrats, and two-thirds of Republicans voted against the bailout bill, as it was being called. In a way, it’s heartening to see Congress for once put partisan differences aside and come together to not get anything done.” -Jimmy Kimmel

“You know, these things are so complicated. I guess the big problem was the plan came in two parts, and they couldn’t agree on which part to implement first: the smoke or the mirrors.” -Jay Leno

“Now today, I don’t want to alarm you, when the stock market closed, it was down 777 points, which is the biggest point drop in American history. As a result, President Bush was able to cross off the tenth and final item on his administrations bucket list.” -Conan O’Brien

“This is the first time the stock market has lost more than a trillion dollars in value in one day. I don’t know, is it just me, or is losing all of your money kind of liberating? I say, don’t look at this as a financial meltdown, look at this as an opportunity for us all to live together at Oprah’s house.” -Jimmy Kimmel

“Senator John McCain is in favor of the bailout. He loves bailouts: he bailed out on me.” -David Letterman

“I want to warn people from Nigeria who might be watching our show, if you get any e-mails from Washington asking for money, it’s a scam. Don’t fall for it.” -Jay Leno

“President Bush now says that the taxpayers could actually make a profit on this deal. Well, that’s good enough for me, let’s go, come on. And, if you believe that, I have Yankees and Mets World Series tickets.” -David Letterman

“I don’t know if you can tell, and I can tell, and I’m no pundit; I know nothing about politics, but even I can tell that John McCain is trying to distance himself from George W. Bush. Have you noticed that? He has no use for Bush. He… wait a minute, hold it, I’m sorry. My mistake: I’m thinking of Clay Aiken.” -David Letterman

“Did you all watch the presidential debate Friday night? You know, a lot of analysts were calling it a tie; they say neither man stumbled. That’s how low the bar is now. Apparently not stumbling is considered a huge accomplishment in politics. He didn’t stumble, fantastic!” -Jay Leno

“Of course, the first presidential debate was held on Friday. Many observers are split on who won. Some say Barack Obama won by showing he could hold his own. Others say that John McCain won by showing he could hold his bladder.” -Conan O’Brien

“I love the way the moderator, Jim Lehrer, tried to get both candidates to talk to each other. What are we in couples-counseling now? ‘Tell him how that made you feel.'” -Jay Leno

“Sarah Palin actually watched the debates very closely. Actually she watched with one eye the debate and the other eye across on Russia, because you never know.” -Jay Leno

“A lot of Republicans are worried about how Sarah Palin’s gonna do in the vice-presidential debate this Thursday. See you know what she should do if she was smart? This what I would do if I were Sarah Palin. This is what I would tell her. Let Joe Biden have the first question, he’ll take 90 minutes to answer, oh, we’re out of time! Who could have seen that coming?” -Jay Leno

“Critics are still analyzing Sarah Palin’s interview with Katie Couric last week, and they’re saying she was halting, repetitive and stumped on basic questions. Yeah, in other words, Palin appeared very presidential.” -Conan O’Brien

“Hugh Hefner has asked Sarah Palin to pose naked for Playboy. Because right now, you know, she’s busy posing as a vice-presidential candidate.” -Jay Leno

“Hugh Hefner is entering the fray. Hugh Hefner has asked Sarah Palin to pose nude for Playboy magazine. Yeah, and Palin said she’d agree to pose for Playboy as long as there’s no interview.” -Conan O’Brien

“Actually, think about that, if she did do it, she could be the first Playmate on a bear-skin rug she shot herself. Think about it.” -Jay Leno