“Last week John McCain said the fundamentals of our economy are strong. This week, he said it’s the worst crisis since World War II. So he suspended his campaign, unless you count doing interviews, airing attack ads, sending out surrogates on TV to attack Obama.” -Bill Maher
“President Bush spoke about the Wall Street bailout yesterday, and he said, this is the quote, ‘if the money isn’t loosened up, this sucker could go down.’ So folks, if we know nothing else at this point, at least we know that President Bush is writing his own speeches.” -Conan O’Brien
“Is the sky really falling, or are they just trying to convince us? You know, Bush went on TV — he’s always a guy who inspires confidence — Wednesday night, and he said, quote, ‘America could slip into a financial panic. The economy is in great danger.’ And he held a flashlight under his chin.” -Bill Maher
“I’ll tell you how bad the economy is. Just to give you an idea how bad the economy is. I saw a gay guy shopping at JCPenney. That’s when you know there’s a bad economy. I saw a guy at the 99-cent store using a coupon. That’s a bad economy. In fact, I got my scenic checks from my bank today. You know what the scene was? Pictures of people at the bank cleaning out their desks. That’s the picture on the check.” -Jay Leno
“The nation’s largest savings and loan, Washington Mutual, has become the biggest bank failure in history. See, the problem with the savings and loans? Not enough savings, too many stupid loans, okay. In fact, they changed their name from WaMu to ‘screw you.'” -Jay Leno
“The U.S. Mint announced this week they are redesigning the penny. Have you seen it? It looks exactly like the old dollar.” -Jay Leno
“Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson said that the proposed bailout plan will cost taxpayers $700 billion. To give you an idea how much money that is, I can’t give you an idea of how much money that is.” -Seth Meyers
“You know, the interesting thing is, these numbers are so big that people can’t even comprehend them. Like $700 billion. See, the best way to understand large amounts of money is to think of it in terms of what it can buy. For example, you know what $700 billion buys? It can buy you 100 senators and 435 congressmen.” -Jay Leno
“Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson is so desperate to get his bailout plan passed that yesterday — this is true — he got down on his knees in front of House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. He did that, yeah. And apparently, Paulson wants the plan to pass so badly, he also offered to get down on his knees in front of Barney Frank.” -Conan O’Brien
“Yesterday, Congressman Tim Murphy of Pennsylvania voiced concern that the bailout plan doesn’t protect the little guy. Yeah. After hearing, this, Dennis Kucinich said, ‘I’ll be fine.'” -Conan O’Brien
“Critics of the bailout plan say it will save Wall Street, while it will do virtually nothing to help out Main Street. And, as always, you’re on your own, Martin Luther King Boulevard!” -Amy Poehler
“This latest development came as a shock to a lot of people because, Thursday night, leaders of both parties said they reached an agreement in principle. They reached an agreement in principle. Then they realized, ‘Wait, this is Washington. We don’t have any principles.’ So, they had to start all over again.” -Jay Leno
“In Washington, a Republican revolt caused the bailout deal to break down. They thought they had this thing going, you know, and the timing was bad for President Bush. He had just hung up the ‘Mission Accomplished’ banner again.” -Jay Leno
“McCain suspended his campaign, said the debate had to be canceled, he went to Washington, screwed up the deal, and then un-suspended his campaign and flew to the debate even though there wasn’t a deal. Usually when a 72-year-old man acts this way, this is when the kids start calling nursing homes.” -Bill Maher
“John McCain said he wouldn’t attend tonight’s presidential debate unless Congress reached a bailout deal. Then McCain reversed his position and decided to take part anyway. That’s what happened. McCain says he may drop out again, depending on what the first question is. He’s going to play it by ear.” -Conan O’Brien
“During tonight’s debate, sources from Barack Obama’s campaign say Obama is going to try to get John McCain to lose his temper. That’s true. Obama is going to do this by claiming that the movie ‘Cocoon’ was overrated.” -Conan O’Brien
“Tonight was the big debate between John McCain and Barack Obama. They billed it had as the crowd pleaser versus the old geezer. Kind of a tough one to do.” -Jay Leno
“The presidential debates had an unusual format. After blowing a question on Bosnia, John McCain was told to extinguish his torch and leave the island.” -David Letterman
“Actually, McCain’s big mistake was not knowing the name of French President Sarkozy’s hot wife. The three presidential debates, I was not aware of this, will be held in three different states. Mississippi, New York and Tennessee. And fortunately, John McCain has a home in each one. So that’s good.” -David Letterman
“But the good news, the crime rate is down. Isn’t that amazing? Less banks are being robbed. Well, sure. A, there’s less banks. B, the banks don’t have any money left. And C, nobody’s got gas money for the getaway car. So, right there, crime is down!” -Jay Leno
“A farmer in Ohio has carved a corn maze in his field in the likeness of Sarah Palin. The way it works? You you enter and suddenly realize you’re way over your head.” -Amy Poehler
