“Senator John McCain got personally involved in the bailout yesterday. Did you hear about this? Oh, it was unbelievable. John McCain was supposed to be a guest on David Letterman’s show last night. And an hour before he was supposed to be on, he called Dave. Now, you never cancel an hour before. But he called and said, ‘I got to get back to Washington. I’m on my way to the airport right now.’ And Letterman was very gracious about it. So the guest dropped out at the last minute. I thought Letterman was very gracious. Then during Dave’s show, they noticed on the feed McCain is in another building across the street doing an interview with Katie Couric when he’s supposed to be with Letterman. Let me tell you, lying to the American people, that’s one thing. But when you lie to a talk show host, there is no more heinous crime in this country.” -Jay Leno
“You’re here on a good night. So far, none of our guests have cancelled. By the way, if you had a chance to get to Central Park today, did you see that David Blaine, you know what I’m talking about, the street magician. Here was a guy who was hanging for 60 hours in Central Park. And overnight, they left him. He was just hanging there. … It’s the same thing McCain did to me last night.” -David Letterman
“I felt bad about this. Because we were all ready to go with John McCain and with an hour to go, he cancels. I felt bad about it. I was thinking about this, John, John, here’s how it works. You don’t come to see me? Well, we might not see you on Inauguration Day.” -David Letterman
“That’s how it works. Yeah, McCain got out of last night’s show. I wasn’t so lucky. But McCain wants the presidential debate postponed until after the big government bailout, you know. Sarah Palin wants the vice presidential debate postponed until after the election. But that’s a different deal.” -David Letterman
“And you know, John McCain wants to suspend his debate with Barack Obama until the economic crisis is over. And Sarah Palin now wants to suspend her debate with Joe Biden until she can find Europe on a map. So we’ll see what happens there.” -Jay Leno
“Saying that ‘desperate times call for desperate measures,’ GOP presidential nominee John McCain announced today that he would personally bail out of Friday’s scheduled presidential debate. ‘As of today, I am officially bailing out of the debate,’ Sen. McCain told reporters in Washington today. ‘And I invite Sen. Obama to join me in this bailout effort.’ Sen. McCain said he would be putting together what he called ‘a comprehensive debate bailout package,’ which could include bailing out of the other two scheduled debates as well.” -Andy Borowitz
“When asked what motivated his dramatic bailout proposal, Sen. McCain said, ‘When I woke up this morning and I saw those terrible numbers, I knew that a bailout was necessary to keep those numbers from getting worse.’ Mr. McCain refused to answer a reporter’s question about whether he was talking about economic numbers or poll numbers, saying, ‘I am bailing out of any response to that question.’ GOP vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin said that she would join in her running mate’s bailout effort by bailing out of her debate with Delaware senator Joseph Biden.” -Andy Borowitz
“Palin has been all over the news recently. Yesterday, she was in New York at the U.N. General Assembly to meet with leaders from other countries. Previously, her world experience had been limited to a visit to the Epcot Center in Orlando.” -Jimmy Kimmel
“The president of Pakistan actually told Palin that she was gorgeous. But you know, he said the same thing to Joe Biden.” -David Letterman
“Hey, you probably heard John McCain suspended his presidential campaign yesterday to focus on the financial crisis. Well, you had to kind of expect this might happen. For a man his age, it’s difficult to maintain an election.” -Jimmy Kimmel
“Today it seemed like Congress might have agreed on the $700 billion bailout bill for the banks, but then later on, it turned out that they haven’t. For those of you who don’t understand what is happening here, think of Wall Street as a no-good brother-in-law who borrows $500 from you and then shows up with a new jet ski.” -Jimmy Kimmel
“As far as this $700 billion bailout is concerned, they keep saying ‘we have to act now, we have to act now.’ It’s like a bad TV offer. Just ten easy payments of $70 billion each, operators are standing by, but you have to act now!” –Jay Leno
“I was watching the news on television earlier, and George Bush says the economy is in danger. Nothing gets past this guy! Wow! Like a steel trap.” -David Letterman
“As you know, President Bush addressed the nation last night. … How many thought they were watching an episode of ‘Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader?'” -Jay Leno
“I listened to President Bush’s speech. I think I understand this whole economic crisis. See, rich people on Wall Street made a big mess. And they’re too rich to clean it up. So the rest of America, you know, their maids and butlers, they have to clean it up for them. You see how easy it is?” -Jay Leno
“And today President Bush met with John McCain and Barack Obama. He did take a moment to show them the best place in the Oval Office to hide porn. But McCain showed up without his running mate, Sarah Palin, which is a shame because she has a lot of experience with banking and financial matters. You know, she lives right next to a bank.” -Jimmy Kimmel
“I’ll tell you, to give you an idea how bad the economy is, Wall Street investors are now clinging to their guns and religion.” -Jay Leno
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