“Financial experts are saying we are entering a new chapter in the American economy. I believe it’s Chapter 11.” –Jay Leno
“President Bush had a press conference today outside the Oval Office to talk about the economy. He would have had it inside, but, you know, the bank has foreclosed on it. ” –Jay Leno
“To give you an idea how bad the American economy is, Mexico is now calling for a fence along the border. Stay on your side!” –Jay Leno
“I tell you, I went to my ATM machine today; it gave me an IOU.” –Jay Leno
“The federal government, you know them, they announced a plan to spend, like, a trillion of taxpayer dollars to buy out bad mortgages and debt. Wall Street was surprisingly enthusiastic about the plan to save their asses with other peoples’ money. It was either that, or Sarah Palin’s idea to sell it all on eBay.” –Bill Maher
“Yesterday, the federal government announced a massive plan to bail out a number of banking institutions. One expert said it might cost Americans more than a trillion dollars. To put that in perspective, ten Bill Gates and 35 Oprahs still don’t add up to a trillion dollars.” –Jimmy Kimmel
“Bill Gates, Warren Buffett and Lawrence Ellison topped the Forbes list of the top ten richest people in the U.S., having a combined wealth, as of Friday, of nearly $8,000” –Seth Meyers
“You know these Sunni militias in Iraq that we’re bribing not to shoot at us? Now they want to be paid in Euros.” –Bill Maher
“President Bush has issued a new warning to Iran that it faces new economic sanctions, after reports by the UN Atomic Watchdog Committee that Iran is still enriching uranium. President Bush promising new economic sanctions. And believe me, if there’s one thing the president is an expert on, it is ruining a country’s economy.” –Jay Leno
“The other financial genius, John McCain, said the fundamentals of our economy are strong, and then yesterday he wanted to fire the head of the SEC — except you can’t as president fire the SEC chairman, it’s a non-governmental job. Sarah Palin said today one more gaffe from McCain, and she’s going to drop him from the ticket.” –Bill Maher
“Can you imagine if she was president right now? They hacked into her email account. She couldn’t even keep that safe. Somebody hacked into her Yahoo! email account. They don’t know who did it. They know it’s someone who understood technology and was interested in her background. So we can rule out McCain.” –Bill Maher
“Sarah Palin’s husband has refused to testify in an abuse of power investigation in Alaska. He was given a subpoena, and he is ignoring it. … So it looks like this guy’s going to have no trouble fitting into Washington. He seems to pick it up right away. It’s like second nature” –Jay Leno
“Hillary Clinton cancelled an appearance at the UN next week, after learning that Sarah Palin was also invited. And after Hillary canceled, the group canceled Sarah Palin, saying they didn’t want any politicians. Which is a shame, because this would have been Sarah Palin’s first trip to the United Nations. Although to her credit, she has been to the International House of Pancakes.” –Jay Leno
“At a rally in Florida today, Barack Obama was interrupted by protesters called Blacks Against Obama. They all drove there together in the same car, a Mini Cooper, if I’m not mistaken. Actually, the members of Blacks Against Obama, pretty serious group. Although not nearly as militant as Bathroom Attendants Against Larry Craig.” –Jay Leno
“The group MoveOn.org has called on John McCain to release all of his medical records. In response, McCain told them, ‘Why don’t you just come down to the warehouse and look around for yourself? Bring a forklift, it’ll take time.'” –Conan O’Brien
“So now our attention turns to which candidate can best guide us out of this mess. But even more important than that is deciding which candidate we’d most like to eat nachos with. According to a new survey from the Associated Press today, more Americans would rather watch football game with Barack Obama than with John McCain, by a margin of 50 to 47%. Mostly because McCain has to get up every ten minutes to go to the bathroom.” –Jimmy Kimmel
UPDATE:
“I want to be done playing this lady Nov. 5. So if anybody can help me be done playing this lady Nov. 5, that would be good for me.” –Tina Fey (on impersonating Sarah Palin).
