“The big news story today is Sarah Palin. Every day, Sarah Palin. And it is not exactly hard-hitting stuff. I haven’t seen the media fawn over a celebrity this much since — Barack Obama.” -Craig Ferguson

“But the dirt is beginning to come out. Apparently, one of Sarah’s first acts as Governor of Alaska was getting a tanning bed installed in the governor’s mansion. The Republican Party is okay with it, which is weird, because usually they ask themselves, ‘How can we make our candidate more white?'” -Craig Ferguson

“Everybody is trying to find out more about Sarah Palin. Everybody is trying to find out who she is. This is the latest. This week, true story, someone was able to hack into Sarah Palin’s Yahoo! email account because she hadn’t taken the proper security measures. Yeah. So, folks, it’s official. No one in the Palin family uses protection. This is a problem. It starts with mom.” -Conan O’Brien

“Barack Obama had a big night last night. Last night, Barack Obama attended a fundraiser headlined by Barbra Streisand that raised $9 million. $9 million. Yeah. It’s big. This was historic. This was historic, this is the most money raised in one night, and it’s the first time a black man has ever attended a Barbra Streisand concert.” -Conan O’Brien

“I had a great dinner last night. Put on a Barbra Streisand CD, ordered Domino’s, saved $28,488. Last night, Barack Obama hosted a dinner with Barbra Streisand singing. It was $28,500 a plate. $28,500 a plate! But, to be fair, that did include an all-you-can-eat salad buffet. That was included. I guess the food was pretty exotic. The main course was roasted pig in a lipstick glaze.” -Jay Leno

“See, that’s the problem in this country. You see, Washington is out of touch with the common people. They have no idea what regular people are doing or thinking on a regular basis. You know, just this morning, I was telling that to my valet, Alejandro, as he was putting the toothpaste on my brush for me.” -Jay Leno

“The stock market crashed this week, but market analysts are not calling it a crash. They’re calling it a ‘correction.’ Oh, shut up! A correction. You never hear that at NASCAR. ‘Oh, we had a fiery correction on turn three. Four men are dead.’ That is kind of like saying U.C.L.A. had a close game last weekend when it lost 59-0 to B.Y.U.” -Jay Leno

“President Bush is keeping busy. Yesterday in Washington, President Bush met with the cast of the Broadway musical, ‘The Lion King.’ This country is going down the toilet and he’s meeting with them. No, he did. He met with the cast of ‘The Lion King,’ yeah. Yeah, there was an awkward moment when Bush called Simba his favorite African leader.” -Conan O’Brien

“President Bush has a plan to get us out of this financial mess. It takes place in January when he leaves office, that’s the first step.” -Jay Leno

“And another day, another federal bailout. This is unbelievable to me. The Federal Reserve has just loaned the AIG Insurance Company $85 billion to keep it afloat. $85 billion. That is almost as much money as Barack Obama raised last night in Beverly Hills.” -Jay Leno

“Let me ask you, why are we bailing out an insurance company? I mean, what’s the first thing an insurance company does when you have a loss? They cancel your policy, right? That’s what we should do, cancel their policy. ‘Ooh, sorry, you’re too much of risk.'” -Jay Leno

“And AIG has assets of over $1 trillion. Not billion, $1 trillion. How do you have $1 trillion and still get into financial trouble? You know? I mean, I understand if you’re living in a dumpster, rooting through trash cans, you need a couple bucks, okay. But if you have $1 trillion, don’t hit me up for a loan. Think about it. Has anybody ever had $1 trillion and still failed? Okay, besides the New York Yankees.” -Jay Leno

“What happened to the old days when we had corporations we could trust, like Enron and WorldCom? Where are those blue chip companies?” -Jay Leno

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