“President Obama took his first foreign trip as president today up to Canada. He met with the prime minister to discuss one of the greatest threats facing our nation today — Canadian geese.” -Jay Leno
“President Obama made his first trip abroad today. He visited Canada, and let me tell you something: If Obama can finally mend our relationship with Canada, well then we’ll know this guy really is on to something.” -Jimmy Kimmel
“Secretary of state Hillary Clinton was in Japan this week, where she had kind of an awkward moment. I guess she saw a couple of sumo wrestlers and said to the Japanese prime minister, ‘Oh, you have interns here, too.'” -Jay Leno
“Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi met with the Pope this week. After the meeting, Pelosi asked for the Pope’s blessing, and he agreed. But there was an embarrassing moment when the Pope asked her to close her eyes. Pelosi said, ‘You know, I can’t. They don’t really close.’ ” -Jay Leno
“There’s a new study that says that in America, rich people are ruder than poor people. This is shocking because I didn’t know America had any rich people left.” -Craig Ferguson
“Yesterday, Eric Holder, who is our first African-American attorney general, told the Justice Department that when it comes to race, America is a ‘nation of cowards.’ You know, he’s right. I will admit that there are certain things that I would be afraid to say to a black person, like, ‘Hey, Queen Latifah, you aren’t all that.'” -Jimmy Kimmel
“Sarah Palin, the governor of Alaska, owes $70,000 in taxes, but listen to this. She’s blaming it on Alex Rodriguez’s cousin.” -David Letterman
“Luckily, Sarah Palin can see the IRS from her house.” -David Letterman
“Airports all around the country now are switching from metal detectors to those high-tech scanning machines that show a naked image of your body. And this is raising a lot of privacy concerns, especially among women. The good news? Airport security guys now are paying attention 100%.” -Jay Leno
“Hey, at 7:00 a.m. this morning, California finally passed a budget. We have a budget in California. The impasse was finally broken when Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger threatened to make a sequel to ‘Kindergarten Cop.'” -Jay Leno
“Well, we have a budget, so now we Californians can get back to doing what we do best — buying homes we can’t afford and letting murderers go free.” -Jay Leno
“Are you excited about the Academy Awards? There is a film in the Best Documentary category about Vice President Dick Cheney and his relationship with the Saudis. And you know what the name of that one is? ‘Lawrence of Arrhythmia.'” -David Letterman
“One of the largest Swiss banks is revealing its secret client list to the IRS Look at the headline: ‘Swiss Bank to Reveal Secrets.’ The story is in The New York Times so you know it’s partially true!” -Craig Ferguson
