“Well, earlier today, President Obama canceled the annual White House Easter Egg Hunt. Instead, the kids are going to be on the lawn of the White House drilling for oil.” – Jay Leno
“Hey, you guys, baseball season starts next week. And President Obama is going to throw out the first pitch at the Nationals game. Meanwhile, Joe Biden will be on hand to make the first error.” – Jimmy Fallon
“It looks like Sarah Palin will be doing some kind of reality show on cable. They say her exact role on the show is unknown, kind of like when she campaigned for McCain.” – Jay Leno
“You guys hear about this? Sarah Palin has a new Fox News series, which is being described as a show about people with real-life tales of overcoming adversity. Hey, she should do a story about that guy who became the first black president. That would be a good story. Think about that one.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Did you see John McCain with Sarah Palin next to him over the weekend? At first I thought it was Buzz Aldrin on ‘Dancing with the Stars.'” – Jay Leno
“Here’s a fascinating story. The Republican National Committee got together and said, ‘You know, boys, things are going so well for us here lately, let’s have a party.’ So they said, ‘Well, yeah, but we don’t want to pay for it.’ And they said: ‘No. We’ll get the Republican National Committee to pay for it — money that we get from donations and contributions. We’ll let the folks pay for it.’ And everybody said, ‘Great, what do we do?’ And they said, ‘Well, let’s go to Los Angeles to a sex club.’ And they said, ‘Great!’ So they end up there at a bondage club in Los Angeles. And I thought that makes perfect sense because Republicans love tying things up: health care, you know; climate control; financial reform.” – David Letterman
“Well, here’s some good news for us. Iran’s top nuclear scientist has defected to the CIA and is now here in the United States. He’s now on our side. And he had some frightening information. He said Iran was just weeks away from developing their very own Toyota Prius.” – Jay Leno
“Do you know in Switzerland, in Geneva, scientists are celebrating? They have a multimillion-dollar atom-smasher that has given us new information on how the universe began. Couldn’t these scientists save some money and just ask Larry King?” – Craig Ferguson
