“New Jersey re-elected Governor Chris Christie. Or as Christie put it, ‘I came back for seconds’.” – Conan O’Brien
“In New Jersey, they re-elected Chris Christie by a HUGE margin. Is there any other way?” – Craig Ferguson
“New York City is going to get a new mayor. It’s between some tall white guy and some short white guy. That’s all I know.” – David Letterman
“The tall white guy is really tall. He’s 6’7′. This is a jumbo mayor. He said if he’s elected, Mayor Bloomberg can live in his pocket. Mayor Bloomberg is a tiny guy.” – David Letterman
“In New York they elected a new mayor. He is Bill de Blasio, the first Democrat mayor in 20 years. Now 20 years ago Times Square was filled with strip clubs and porno theaters. So I’m counting on the new mayor to restore it to its former glory.” – Craig Ferguson
“Mayor Bloomberg has been mayor of New York City for 12 years. We’ll all miss Mayor Bloomberg. But he says 12 years is plenty. That’s three terms. He now just wants to settle down and spend more time with his money.” – David Letterman
“Rand Paul has been accused of cheating in three separate instances. When asked about the charges, Paul said, ‘Four score and seven years ago…'” – Conan O’Brien
“Rand Paul, the senator from Kentucky, keeps getting into trouble. They say he actually plagiarized an entire section of his 2012 book, ‘Government Bullies’. When asked for comment, Paul said, ‘It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“The White House announced that Joe Biden will travel to Asia to make up for President Obama’s trip that was canceled because of the government shutdown. Seriously? That’s like Justin Timberlake canceling a show and sending the banjo players from those Geico ads to take his place.” – Jimmy Fallon
“One year ago today President Obama won re-election. And it’s been smooth sailing ever since.” – David Letterman
“So, yes, the president was somewhat dishonest about the promise of his healthcare program, but here’s the weird part, his opponents have been lying like motherfuckers about its effects.” – Jon Stewart
“There’s now growing concern in Iran about the health of 74-year-old Ayatollah Khamenei, the country’s supreme leader. He has a chronic illness. You think healthcare is bad in this country, try seeing a doctor under Ayatollah-Care. See how that works.” – Jay Leno
“NSA whistle-blower and traitor Edward Snowden, living in asylum in Russia, has released a manifesto directed at the United States claiming that telling the truth should not be a crime. And believe me, there’s no better place to celebrate free speech, truth, and equal rights than in Russia.” – Jay Leno
