[excerpted from “The Everlasting GOP Stoppers” by Marc Belisle]
BREAKING: US Navy Strikes North Pole, Obama Declares ‘War on Christmas’, Claus’ Fate Unknown
In a tense press conference with the conservative media, President Obama announced late Tuesday that US Navy destroyers deployed in the Arctic Circle were firing Tomahawk cruise missiles in a campaign to free the elves and eliminate Santa Claus’s ability to threaten secular humanists. Obama added that US forces would “cripple Santa Claus’ ability to spread good tidings” through “targeted strikes.” When asked what, exactly, the Pentagon was targeting, Obama replied, “Well, you know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen, Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen.”
Pressed on whether the US would be targeting Santa Claus specifically, the President, standing in front of four ten-foot pine trees garlanded with tinsel and baubles, chose his words carefully. “Uh, look. My Administration is not in the business of regime change. But, know this. By the time we’re done, Santa Claus will be wishing us Happy Holidays. His reign of cheer is at an end.”
A Barbie doll then stood up, identified herself as a Fox News reporter and said, “President HUSSEIN Obama, Fox News has been predicting this war for years. We have a map on our site of all the attacks against Christmas within the United States, waged in this year alone [seriously – check the link]. The casualties in the War on Christmas are much higher than you are admitting. Aren’t you ashamed that you’re encouraging a dangerous fifth column seeking to destroy AmeriChristmas?”
The president dinged a bell, “One seems to hear, words of rightwing fear, from everywhere, filling the air.” He sighed, “We had to deny the military buildup against Christmas, because we needed to maintain the element of surprise. The time was ripe to strike, because Christmas has been threatening its weaker neighbors for years, and this year, it threatened to invade Thanksgiving.”
“Doesn’t Christmas have a right to take over Thanksgiving?” the Newsdoll asked. “To defend itself?”
“Christmas already controls the entire month of December. It already has commercialized everything in its reach. It’s extremely well-defended, and aggressively extending its dominion. Just ask anyone in your community who happens to be Jewish, Muslim, Buddhist, Wiccan, atheist, agnostic, spiritualist, or just not particularly devoutly Christian how dominant Christmas is.”
“I’ve never spoken to anyone like that,” the Newsdoll said proudly.
Bill O’Reilly and Sarah Palin stood up and started shouting over each other. Bill O’Reilly said that while he likes Macy’s because it’s commercial, it’s not Christmas-y enough.
Sarah Palin said, “I love the commercialization of Christmas because it spreads the Christmas cheers, the most jolly holiday obviously on our calendar. It’s wonderful!”
Palin then told everyone to buy her book about “protecting the heart of Christmas,” which one reviewer said “is so bad that it seems entirely possible that she actually wrote it herself.”
[go read the rest of the original article]