“Toronto Mayor Rob Ford is apparently back smoking the crack. There is a picture of him smoking the crack and a videotape is out as well. Is there a videotape out there of him not smoking crack?” – David Letterman
“Toronto Mayor Rob Ford announced he’s taking a leave of absence to deal with issues related to substance abuse. A video was reportedly shot by his drug dealer. The guy is constantly being taped but never seems to notice the cameras. Is that a side effect of crack?” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The crack dealer videotaped him smoking crack. It is a sad state of affairs, ladies and gentlemen, when you can’t trust your drug dealer.” – David Letterman
“Toronto mayor Rob Ford has decided to take a leave of absence to seek help. Specifically what he’s seeking help with is getting more crack.” – Conan O’Brien
“Toronto Mayor Rob Ford’s lawyers said that he will take a leave of absence to seek help for substance abuse. Though they didn’t say whether the substance in question was crack or gravy.” – Seth Meyers
“After rumors surfaced of another video of him smoking crack, Rob Ford said he’s taking a leave of absence, and of course he’s earned it. The guy’s been up since 2004.” – Conan O’Brien
“Toronto Mayor Rob Ford checked himself into rehab. I didn’t see that coming.” – Craig Ferguson
“Toronto Mayor Rob Ford announced today that he is checking into rehab. He said he entered rehab this week to deal with the problem swiftly — and also because Monday is Cinco de Mayo, and he ain’t missing that.” – Jimmy Fallon
“A sober mayor of Toronto? I’m getting out of late night just in time.” – Craig Ferguson
“Los Angeles Clippers owner Donald Sterling’s wife, Rochelle, is being accused of making racist remarks during an incident back in 2009. Sterling should break up with his girlfriend and go out with his wife. They’re perfect for each other.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Donald Sterling’s girlfriend said she’s ‘going to be president of the United States’ one day. Yeah, like we’re going to elect someone who secretly records people’s private phone calls and conversations.” – Jimmy Fallon
“This year the Colorado symphony will host a bring-your-own-marijuana concert series, called ‘Classically Cannabis.’ Or if you don’t like classical music, you can attend the bring-your-own-marijuana concert called ‘any other concert.'” – Seth Meyers
