“We have the great Don Rickles on the show tonight. He’s a guy known for brilliantly insulting everyone in the room — or as Donald Trump calls him, ‘the original me.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Thursday night is the first Republican presidential candidates’ debate. Just like ‘Celebrity Apprentice’, you’ll see Donald Trump on TV yelling at people you barely recognize.” – Conan O’Brien
“Donald Trump’s phone number has been leaked. When you call Trump’s cellphone number it plays a campaign message. If you want to hear Trump’s message in English, press one. If you want to hear it in Spanish, you probably don’t follow the news.” – Conan O’Brien
“Ben from Ben & Jerry’s has endorsed Bernie Sanders for president. After hearing this, Chris Christie said, ‘After all we’ve been through together?'” – Conan O’Brien
“Over the weekend in Iran, temperatures reached 165 degrees, one of the highest temperatures ever recorded on earth. In fact, it was so hot in Iran, American flags burst into flames on their own.” – Jimmy Fallon
