“President Obama gave his final State of the Union address last night. He started by saying he would give a shorter speech, which seemed to get the most applause of the night.” – Jimmy Fallon
“President Obama gave his final State of the Union address last night. It was the president’s shortest State of the Union address, clocking in at 58:49. Mine would have been however long it takes to say, ‘You’re on your own, suckers.'” – Jimmy Kimmel
“During his speech, President Obama criticized companies for not being loyal enough to their employees. Yeah, employees would agree, but they were busy buying Powerball tickets so they could quit their job.” – Jimmy Fallon
“If you’re a Republican you don’t want to get caught agreeing with anything Obama says because it could ruin your political career, so you have to sit there and make a face like you’re witnessing your family getting eaten by coyotes through the whole thing.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Kim Davis, the county clerk who refused the same-sex marriage licenses, was also at the State of the Union address. She was sporting her meanest scowl and her fullest mullet for the event. She said she was there to encourage all Christians — she even wore Joseph’s amazing Technicolor dream coat.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“President Obama said last night that he treated his last State of the Union address just like his first, because he’s ‘just as hungry’. Probably because he’s only been allowed to eat kale for the last seven years.” – Seth Meyers
“Obama saying he’s going to keep it short is like Donald Trump saying, ‘Enough about me’.” – Jimmy Fallon
“While commenting on the State of the Union, Donald Trump said President Obama is ‘living in a fantasy land.’ Donald Trump then went to sleep in his solid gold bed with his supermodel wife.” – Conan O’Brien
“Donald Trump has been endorsed by one of the country’s most prominent hate groups — his ex-wives.” – Conan O’Brien
“New polls found that Bernie Sanders is now ahead of Hillary Clinton among Democrats in both Iowa and New Hampshire. And even Hillary’s lead in national polls is dwindling. I don’t want to say Hillary is upset, but this morning she was spotted shouting into a volcano, ‘You said we had a deal!'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Bernie’s really picking up some momentum. In fact yesterday, he received an endorsement from the progressive website MoveOn.org. As opposed to, Jeb Bush, who was just endorsed by the website ‘No, seriously. MoveOn.org!'” – Jimmy Fallon
