“Did you watch the debate last night? I gave up drinking a while ago, but I started again. And I’m watching the debate last night, and I did a shot every time John McCain said, ‘My friends.’ And so I am just blotto.” -David Letterman
“During last night’s debate, John McCain sparked a bit of a controversy when he referred to Barack Obama as ‘That One.’ Yeah, afterwards, McCain said, “What? Like I’m supposed to remember everybody’s name now?” -Conan O’Brien
“Of course, Barack Obama criticized John McCain for singing ‘Bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb Iran.’ Remember that? Ironically, it’s now the number one song in Israel.” -Jay Leno
“And the only really new proposal last night came from John McCain. McCain proposed buying up bad homeowner mortgages. Not to save the middle class. You know McCain, he just likes buying houses.” -Jay Leno
“I don’t know, what did you think of the debate? Anything? Anything going on there? I’m not sure that John McCain actually helped himself. In fact, I think maybe he blew off the wrong show.” -David Letterman
“Hey, did you all watch the debate last night between Barack Obama and John McCain? You know, all the networks had their own spin on it. Like, ABC called it ‘Dancing Around the Questions.’ I thought that was pretty good. MTV billed it as ‘Ebony and History.'” -Jay Leno
“But they had the town hall format, and that meant that the candidates could wander around on stage. You know, I like John McCain, but wandering around on stage there, he looked like a retiree who can’t find his Buick.” -David Letterman
“Boy, that was dull, wasn’t it? Oh, my God. I guess this time they went with the town hall format. They use that because they say it demonstrates the next president’s ability to think and talk at the same time. Or as President Bush calls that, ‘showing off.'” -Jay Leno
“And it was broadcast live from Nashville. You know, I don’t want to say the debate was boring. But I never thought a political event in Tennessee could be that dull without the help of Al Gore.” -Jay Leno
“It got a little heated at one point during the debate. McCain talked about experience and he said, ‘We don’t have time for on-the-job training.’ Then why did you pick Sarah Palin?” -Jay Leno
“Sarah Palin was not mentioned during the debate and did not watch the debate. I thought that was interesting. And they said, ‘Well, Sarah, why? I’m sorry, Miss Alaska — why didn’t you watch the debate?’ And she said, ‘Well, I’m busy reading every newspaper and magazine ever published.'” -David Letterman
“Sarah Palin has vowed to do only a few interviews between now and the election. Katie Couric’s interview, she called it ‘gotcha journalism.’ Not doing any more of those. Just doing friendly interviews now, which she calls ‘you betcha!’ journalism.” -Jay Leno
“People looking into Barack Obama’s campaign contributions say that Obama may have received $3.3 million from abroad. Yeah. It turns out that broad is Oprah Winfrey.” -Conan O’Brien
“Possible controversy for the Obama campaign. Republicans are now accusing Barack Obama’s campaign of voter fraud, because some of the people they’ve registered sound like they have fake names. Apparently, the fakest-sounding name is Barack Obama.” -Conan O’Brien
“Time magazine says that the winner of the presidential election in Florida will be determined by voters under the age of 30. In case you’re wondering, the Florida voters under 30 are named Kyle and Stacy.” -Conan O’Brien
“You know, you see a lot of these financial experts on the news the last couple of weeks. And isn’t the very fact they’re in this mess proof there’s no such thing as a financial expert? Huh, huh? Anyway, the good news, Secretary Treasurer Henry Paulson called for calm today. The bad news, he made the call from the Cayman Islands.” -Jay Leno
