[Jokes from Oct. 26, 2016]
“Happy birthday to Hillary Clinton, who turned 69 years old today — while Donald Trump said, ‘The media is reporting that today is Hillary’s birthday, but a lot of people are telling me that it’s actually MY birthday. Rigged!'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Today is a special day, today is Hillary Clinton’s birthday. You could email her a birthday card, or just send it straight to WikiLeaks.” – Conan O’Brien
“Hillary’s birthday party is just like any other birthday party except when people yell ‘speech, speech,’ she charges them $250,000.” – James Corden
“Happy birthday to Hillary Clinton, who turned 69 today. She made a wish, and then deleted the candles.” – Seth Meyers
“Hillary’s press secretary posted a photo on Twitter of the staff surprising Hillary with a cake for her birthday. It was really fun — you could hardly tell that Hillary had spent two hours practicing her ‘surprised’ face.” – Jimmy Fallon
“We would be remiss if we didn’t start off by wishing Hillary Clinton a happy birthday. It must be tough being a close friend of Hillary. I mean, no matter what you get Hillary Clinton for her birthday, it will never be as good as the gift Billy Bush gave her.” – James Corden
“Bill Clinton is trying to figure out what his official title would be if his wife becomes president. Hillary has said that she likes the term first gentleman. She hasn’t been able to say it without laughing but she likes the term.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Bill has suggested first volunteer, first dude, and first laddie. If I had a vote I would go with the first lady’s man.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Hillary went to a fundraiser here in New York City that was attended by Stevie Wonder. And even Stevie was like, ‘Let me guess — loud pantsuit?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“In an interview, Newt Gingrich accused Megyn Kelly of being more interested in sex than public policy. Then Kelly explained that everyone is more interested in sex than public policy.” – Conan O’Brien
“Last night, former Speaker Newt Gingrich was asked by Megyn Kelly if Trump is a sexual predator. Gingrich accused Kelly of being more fascinated with sex than public policy. First off, everybody is more fascinated with sex than public policy. If you’re not, there’s a pill for that now.” – Stephen Colbert
“Trump supporter Newt Gingrich last night accused Fox News’ Megyn Kelly of being ‘fascinated with sex’ by continuing to report on women accusing Donald Trump of inappropriate behavior. Newt, there’s a difference between being ‘fascinated by sex’ and being ‘horrified by sexual assault’. It’s kind of like Beyoncé and Rihanna — everyone knows the difference except old white men.” – Seth Meyers
“But the thing is, Megyn ‘Kelly File’ isn’t talking about fun-time, bedroom whoopee-making. She’s talking about assault. Wait, unless Newt doesn’t know the difference? Maybe no one gave him the talk. Hold on, let’s do this: ‘Newt, sweetheart, you’re growing up so fast. In fact, you’re 73. Your body’s changing.'” – Stephen Colbert
“New York Giants quarterback Eli Manning is denying reports that he yelled out ‘Trump!’ to signal an audible during Sunday’s game. Manning said actually ‘Trump’ is a signal for ‘Illegal Use of Hands.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Donald Trump was on the Herman Cain radio show yesterday criticizing, of all things, wind. He said he’s against wind turbines because they’re killing eagles and thousands of other birds. Like Bob Seger, he’s against the wind.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“I happen to know why Donald Trump is against wind power and I’ll tell you, it’s not because it kills birds. Donald Trump is against wind because of what it does to his hair.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“We are 13 days from the election, and it is a hard time for those on board the Trump train because somehow, it hit an iceberg and is sinking.” – Stephen Colbert
“In an interview last night with MSNBC, Donald Trump’s running mate Mike Pence accidentally referred to Trump as his opponent. Which is ridiculous — everyone knows Trump is his own opponent.” – Seth Meyers
“Trump’s surrogates are doing just what the passengers on the ‘Titanic’ did — remaining calm on the ship and talking about how great it is.” – Stephen Colbert
