“Yesterday, Dick Cheney said his lesbian daughter Mary has convinced him to support gay marriage. Pretty cool, yeah. Yeah. Cheney made the announcement after Mary was spotted waterboarding him.” – Conan O’Brien
“Former Vice President, current Wal-Mart greeter Dick Cheney, surprised everyone in a speech yesterday when he said that he supports a state’s right to legalize gay marriage. And it only took 11 seconds on the waterboard to get him to say it.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Cheney also revealed that he has the largest Fabergé egg collection in the world.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Actually, Cheney has a gay daughter and he said that in his mind, freedom means freedom for everyone. And then he snarled and bit an infant, but I think it was an accident.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Then Cheney is on television yesterday. He’s giving an hour-long speech. In the speech, he’s defending waterboarding. I thought, boy, that’s a tough call — would you rather be waterboarded or listen to Cheney for an hour?” – David Letterman
“And then Dick Cheney said he supports same-sex marriage. And then he floated away in his house.” – David Letterman
“How about that Dick Cheney? Do you remember Dick Cheney? Now here’s a guy we didn’t really think much about until he goes hunting one day. And everything changed. I mean, he became Dick ‘Kaboom’ Cheney. He is now saying that Saddam Hussein had no connection with 9/11. Well, no harm done.” – David Letterman
“And Cheney now is criticizing the Obama Administration because they’re trying to close Guantanamo Bay. He says they don’t have a clear plan for closing Gitmo. That’s what Cheney says to the Obama Administration. And I was thinking, well, you know, Cheney is right, because that Iraq war thing was so well thought out.” – David Letterman
“Best of luck to President Obama, who just left for his five-day trip to Egypt and Saudi Arabia. And good luck to Sasha and Malia on their first keg party. Whoo! Of course, the kegs will be full of Mountain Dew.” – Jimmy Fallon
“President Obama’s inviting Iranian government officials to the U.S. for our Fourth of July celebration. I guess the goal is to make them go: ‘Death to America — ah, ooh — ah, that’s nice. That one looks like a palm tree. I like the squiggly one.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Despite opposition from the public, President Obama says he’s determined to close the prison at Guantanamo Bay. To make sure Guantanamo Bay closes, Obama said the new warden will be the CEO of General Motors.” – Conan O’Brien
“Hey, how about General Motors? Oh, my gosh. It’s crazy what’s going on. General Motors, bankrupt. Biggest corporation in the world and now they still want money. They still want billions more bailout money. I think I speak for all Americans when I say, ‘You want more money? Wait here while I talk to the manager. I’ll be right back.” – David Letterman
“What a tough week for General Motors. First the bankruptcy and then earlier today, I don’t know if you heard about this, Mr. Goodwrench eloped with one of the Pep Boys. That’s a true story.” – David Letterman
“You know about that North Korean madman dictator Kim Jong Il. Well, there’s word he may be letting go and stepping down. … I just heard that. And they think he could be replaced by his son, Kim Jong ‘W’ Il.” – David Letterman
“North Korea’s Kim Jong-Il selected his 26-year-old son, Kim Jong-Un, as the next leader of North Korea. The selection process went like this, ‘Hey, who’s up for a vote? Just kidding, my son’s going to do it. Come on.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“There is a big announcement in North Korea. Kim Jong Il has named his son as his future successor. A president’s son becoming president? That would never happen here.” – Craig Ferguson
“President Bush is back in the news. That’s right. In a recent interview, former President Bush said that no longer being president is a, quote, liberating feeling. Yep. That’s what he said, yeah. When asked what he’s been doing since leaving the White House, Bush said, ‘Learning the word liberating.” – Conan O’Brien
“Hey, there’s a big story out of Washington. The President went on a date. We haven’t seen this since the Clinton Administration. But this was different. The President went on a date with his wife.” – Craig Ferguson
“Over the weekend, Barack Obama took Michelle on a date. He and the First Lady flew to New York City, they had a fancy dinner and they went to see a Broadway show. Mr. President, I respect you, but knock it off! You’re making the rest of us look bad. Really, this is not the kind of change that I can believe in.” – Craig Ferguson
“Apparently, the Obamas’ date was fulfilling a promise Barack made to Michelle. He told her once the campaign was over, he’d take her to New York for dinner and a Broadway show. I like that, because it makes Obama seem like any other married guy, doing stuff he doesn’t want to do because he promised the wife.” – Craig Ferguson
“No straight guy really wants to see a Broadway show. Come on! Let’s just be honest. It’s true. I am sure Obama would rather give a sponge bath to Rush Limbaugh than see a Broadway show.” – Craig Ferguson
“Most Republicans aren’t unhappy with the date itself they’re just mad because it cost $100,000. They did their best to keep costs down, the Obamas. Well, they didn’t have to pay for a babysitter, because their older daughter watches the younger daughter and then the younger daughter watches Joe Biden.” – Craig Ferguson
“I’m kidding! They have their dog watch Biden.” – Craig Ferguson
“Joe Biden’s busy. Last night in New York City, Vice President Joe Biden gave a speech at a $1,000 a plate fundraising dinner. Yeah. Yeah, and since Biden spoke before dinner, everyone’s still waiting to eat.” – Conan O’Brien
“This was kind of cute. You remember when President Obama, before he was elected, he said if he won the election and they moved to the White House he would get the kids a doggie? They finally got the kids a doggie and it’s a Portuguese water dog and the dog’s name is Bo. Today President Obama is with the reporters. He’s running through the tricks that Bo does. And then Bo, to show you how smart this dog is, went and retrieved a tennis ball that was hidden in some ivy. Pretty good, huh? And then Joe Biden says, ‘Wait a minute. That’s my job. Come on. What am I supposed to do?” – David Letterman
“Gov. Schwarzenegger this morning said the ‘day of reckoning is here,’ but he said it with a funny accent, which means either he has a new movie called ‘The Day of Reckoning’ that’s here this weekend or we’re screwed. I’m not sure.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“They actually had to cancel summer school, because we have no money to pay for it. Most summer school programs in L.A. have been cancelled. It’s part of a new program they’re rolling out called ‘Leave No Child Ahead.'” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Not only are we out of money, we’re running out of water, too. Southern California is in the middle of another drought. The Department of Water and Power this week announced that you can only turn your sprinklers on on Monday and Thursday and that the fire department is only going to be putting out fires on Wednesdays and Saturdays, I think.” – Jimmy Kimmel
