“The health-care reform bill has passed by the House. Well, that was easy. And you know what that means, it’s just one step away to being defeated by the Senate.” – David Letterman
“Now it gets tricky because the bill goes to the Senate, where Senator Lindsey Graham vowed it would be dead on arrival. That’s what he said. In fact, right now, Graham is leading a Southern white coalition against the bill called the Graham Crackers.” – Jay Leno
“It was close, 220 yeas, 215 nays and one — you lie, you lie!” – David Letterman
“Actually, to win passage for this health-care bill, President Obama went up to Capitol Hill and personally lobbied some of the wavering congressmen. And of course, the health insurance industry, they were very upset. You know, they said they bought and paid for these congressmen, he has no right to go up to them and talk to them.” – Jay Leno
“But it’s a big victory for the Democrats. And today Nancy Pelosi was named MVP.'” – David Letterman
“As you know, on Saturday night the House narrowly passed the health-care bill. They said the reason it passed was because Nancy Pelosi didn’t blink. But — she hasn’t blinked since what, ’82?” – Jay Leno
“You sound like a bunch of people who heard they just got free health care.” – Jay Leno
“First lady Michelle Obama appears on ”Sesame Street’ to celebrate the show’s 40th anniversary. It’s going to be a big episode. Yes, sources say the episode gets a little tense when Ernie and Bert ask the first lady why her husband’s dragging his feet on gay marriage.” – Conan O’Brien
“The Berlin Wall, very famous. That’s where Dick Cheney delivered his famous line, ‘Ich bin ein water boarder.'” – David Letterman
“When you think about it and think about what it meant at the time and what it has meant since it really is one of those things that in our lifetime we have been tremendously lucky to observe the end of the wall in Berlin. The wall came down 20 years ago today. And that signaled the end of communism. Until, of course, Obama and his pinko buddies took over.” – David Letterman
“It was reported today 237 members of Congress are millionaires. Almost half of Congress are millionaires. Isn’t that unbelievable? So, apparently, Congress is pretty good at managing their own money …” – Jay Leno
“Glenn Beck had an emergency appendectomy, but he’ll be back on the air tomorrow. That’s right. However, for his first day back, doctors are warning Glenn to take it easy and only compare Obama to Hitler three times an hour.” – Conan O’Brien
“The Secret Service has to protect the President now on a budget. In fact, like, after 5, you know the President just wears a life alert.” – Jay Leno
“You know when you see the agents running alongside the car? That’s just to save gas now.” – Jay Leno
