“Apparently there is a huge crack cocaine problem in Toronto. Luckily, it’s just confined to the mayor’s office.” – Jay Leno “Mayor of Toronto Rob Ford’s approval ratings have skyrocketing since he announced that he’s smoking crack cocaine. Is EVERYBODY up there on crack? Is that the deal?” – David Letterman “As I’m sure you’re […]
“New Jersey Governor Chris Christie was re-elected by a huge margin. He gave a great speech last night. He said he learned a lot in the last four years – for example, that lap-band surgery doesn’t always work.” – Jay Leno “Chris Christie won a second term as New Jersey governor last night. We like […]
“New Jersey re-elected Governor Chris Christie. Or as Christie put it, ‘I came back for seconds’.” – Conan O’Brien “In New Jersey, they re-elected Chris Christie by a HUGE margin. Is there any other way?” – Craig Ferguson “New York City is going to get a new mayor. It’s between some tall white guy and […]
© Tom Tomorrow And in this case, there is plenty of blame to go around. I remember Obama saying several times that the “majority” of people would be able to keep their current health insurance plans. Why in the world would he change that to claim that everyone would be able to keep their current […]
“New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is hoping to win re-election tomorrow, and polls show that he’s winning by a 19-point margin. Christie was really excited to hear that — but only because he thought someone said ‘margarine’.” – Jimmy Fallon “Chris Christie has really worked hard on the campaign. I heard he spent all weekend […]
“Six kids showed up for Halloween with no costumes at all, just dressed like ordinary people. They said, ‘We’re the six people who signed up for Obamacare on the first day.’” – Jay Leno “According to CBS News, only six people enrolled in Obamacare on the first day of the rollout. Six! That means more […]
“Anybody try to sign up for the Obamacare? It’s impossible, and everybody’s furious. The Republicans are upset about Obamacare because something they tried to stop now won’t get started.” – David Letterman “It’s really trick-or-treat time at the White House. President Obama tricked us into thinking we’d be able to afford treatment.” – Jay Leno […]
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II In light of closing down of the Government in the USA and thus the inability to govern yourselves, We hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up ‘revocation’ in the Oxford English […]
“President Obama’s Facebook account was hacked. It was hacked by the Syrian Electronic Army. When Obama found out about this, he said, ‘Can you guys fix the Obamacare website?’” – David Letterman “There was some good news today for embattled Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius. Obamacare will cover all her injuries after the […]
“Have you tried to log on to the Obamacare website? It’s slow. It is slower than my watch during an interview with Paris Hilton.” – Jay Leno “Obama said they’ve had some glitches with the Affordable Care website. I’ll tell you something. If you order a pair of pants online and they send you the […]
“NASA has successfully tested a broadband communications system that’s built into the lunar atmosphere explorer probe. It sends data to and from the moon at the rate of 622 megabits per second. To the moon and back in a second. In a related story, the Obamacare website is still down.” – Jay Leno “I tried […]
Is it a coincidence that Hallowe’en is the holiday closest to election day? Or that Congresspeople are increasingly acting like zombies? Or that Hallowe’en has become “one of the most beloved and anticipated consumer holidays“. In 2012 the election caused a spike in costumes related to current events, but 2013 is seeing a return to […]
“People have been speculating lately about what President Obama will do when he leaves office in 2016. The one thing I think we can safely rule out – website designer.” – Jay Leno “There’s been a lot of speculation but now it’s clear that Joe Biden will run for president in 2016. In an effort […]
“The Obamacare website has all these glitches and now tech experts are saying that the only way to fix it is to completely start over and redesign the whole website from scratch. While the guys from the Geek Squad said, ‘Turn it off, wait five seconds, and then plug it back in.’” – Jimmy Fallon […]
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