Political Irony

“This situation in Kiev, in the Ukraine, is still a big story. They overthrew the government and then a scared President Viktor Yanukovych went on the run. Now Russia has granted protection to Yanukovych. As soon as Edward Snowden heard that, he said, ‘Top bunk!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“How about that mess in the Ukraine, and now Viktor Yanukovych gets scared and runs. The Russians have given him asylum and they are putting troops on alert. That doesn’t sound like the Russians I know.” – David Letterman

“So you have Yanukovych who is disgraced and out of power. Next? ‘Dancing With the Stars’.” – David Letterman

“They say the Ukraine has become a wild, lawless region like Arizona, where they had this anti-gay legislation that was vetoed yesterday by the governor. They always invoke the word hate, but in Arizona, it’s not hate. It’s more of a dry hate.” – David Letterman

“In California the owner of a Christian medical marijuana dispensary says God told him to sell pot. As proof, he cited the story from the Bible where Jesus miraculously turns water into pizza.” – Conan O’Brien

“This week President Obama told his supporters that they are doing God’s work by helping to promote Obamacare. God said, ‘Whoa, there. Look, I’m flattered. But Obamacare, that’s all you, man. Don’t involve me in that mess.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“It’s rumored that Sandra Bullock will end up making $70 million from the movie ‘Gravity’. ‘That’s great!’ said the real astronauts making $59,000 a year.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Jason Collins, the NBA’s first openly gay player, has the top-selling jersey in the league store. Yeah, that’s great — finally a gay man who’s not afraid to stand up and say ‘I have my own clothing line’.” – Conan O’Brien

“The NFL is warning Arizona that if they approve a bill that discriminates against gays they may not get to host the next Super Bowl. And it may also hurt Arizona’s chances of hosting the Tony Awards.” – Conan O’Brien

“The Olympics are finished. Everybody has gone home, so once again there are no gay people in Sochi.” – David Letterman

“At the White House today President Obama and House Speaker John Boehner had a private meeting in the Oval Office. They met for about an hour. It turns out the last five years have been a big misunderstanding. They actually agree on everything. I’m glad they cleared that up.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Obama and Boehner talked about manufacturing, immigration, healthcare, Afghanistan, and the drought in California, among other things. An aide to speaker Boehner said they met because they believe it’s important to work together on issues where they find common ground. Unfortunately, there were no issues on which they found common ground.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Hey, you know who they locked up? Public enemy No. 1, El Chapo Guzman. He was the leading distributor of cocaine and cocaine-related items in the world. So another setback for Toronto Mayor Rob Ford.” – David Letterman

“Toronto Mayor Rob Ford is making the rounds again. Today he did an interview with Matt Lauer on the ‘Today’ show. Lauer said, ‘Thanks for getting up early to be with us.’ Then Ford said, ‘I never went to bed.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“A girl scout in San Francisco sold 117 boxes of cookies in two hours after setting up shop outside a medical marijuana dispensary. And the very next day she became the youngest person ever to receive a MacArthur Genius Grant.” – Seth Meyers

“The FDA has approved a new camera that can be swallowed so that doctors can look at the inside of their patients’ bodies. So to answer your question: Yes, selfies CAN get worse.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The Arizona legislature passed a bill that would allow business owners asserting their religious beliefs to deny service to gay customers. Some businesses have already put up signs that read ‘Nice shirt, nice shoes, no service’.” – Seth Meyers

“The Winter Olympics wrapped up in Sochi last night. So goodbye, men in leotards. We’ll see you again in four years.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The Russians finished up with a win in their favorite sport, the biathlon. What a country. They love biathletes, but they hate bi-athletes.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The Winter Olympics in Sochi wrapped up yesterday. Canada beat Sweden for the gold medal in men’s hockey. People in Canada were going crazy. They spent all night knocking over cars, and then picking them back up and leaving a nice note.” – Jimmy Fallon

“While celebrating Canada’s defeat over Sweden in men’s hockey, Toronto Mayor Rob Ford walked into a fire hydrant, injuring his groin. It’s really saying something when this is the least embarrassing thing Rob Ford has done all year. It’s almost presidential for Rob Ford.” – Seth Meyers

“The Sochi Olympics are over. Russia ended up with the most gold medals. Russian athletes said, ‘We played like our lives were on the line because our lives WERE on the line.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Russia ended up with 33 medals. Only six of those were stolen by Putin.” – David Letterman

“Speaking of medals, the United States hockey team had no trouble getting through the airport metal detector.” – David Letterman

“Anybody see the closing ceremonies of the Olympics from Sochi? I thought Tina Fey and Amy Poehler did a great job.” – David Letterman

“In a moving moment at the end of the closing ceremonies, the giant Olympic flame was extinguished by a pack of wild dogs from Sochi.” – David Letterman

“The Winter Olympics are finally over. They handed out all the medals and all the whippings, and the athletes are now leaving town before Vladimir Putin uses the Olympic flame to burn down Sochi for the insurance money.” – Stephen Colbert

“The president of the Ukraine, Viktor Yanukovych, was ousted in a major uprising this weekend. This could be bad for Vladimir Putin because a lot of people think he and Yanukovych were friends. I guess that’s why today Putin said, ‘We weren’t REAL friends. Just Facebook friends.” – Jimmy Fallon

“CNN is canceling Piers Morgan’s talk show. Yes, it’s been 238 years since the Declaration of Independence, but it still feels good telling the British guy to get out.” – Craig Ferguson

“Larry King has offered to come back and replace Piers Morgan. Well, technically it wouldn’t be ‘coming back’. He’s been living under the desk for the last three years.” – Craig Ferguson

“A Florida man is running for Congress as a write-in candidate at the age of 101. He has a good chance of appealing to younger voters since that’s all there is.” – Seth Meyers

“We have first lady Michelle Obama on the show tonight. Security’s very tight backstage. Before I came out, this one guy spent like five minutes patting me down — and then the Secret Service showed up and said, ‘Who’s that guy groping Fallon?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“On Tuesday, President Obama hosted a White House screening of the new movie The Monuments Men. Or as Biden called it, ‘NOT The Lego Movie‘.” – Jimmy Fallon

“In Florida there is a guy running for Congress who is 101 years old. And despite what you might think, the guy is actually quite a progressive. He wants to expand Medicare. He wants to fix Social Security. He wants to let women vote.” – David Letterman

“A 101-year-old man is running for Congress. Now in what state do you think that is? You know what state — Florida, of course! He’s a member of the tea party — the Boston Tea Party.” – Craig Ferguson

“Yesterday at the Olympics, a snowboarder who was raised in America won a gold medal for Russia. So congratulations to Edward Snowden.” – Conan O’Brien

“At the Olympics, the Russian men’s hockey team was knocked out by Finland. Vladimir Putin was said to be furious. He was yelling, waving a sword around, threatening to send people to Siberia. Then the game started.” – Craig Ferguson

“The Russians were supposed to do well in men’s and women’s hockey. Now they’ve both been eliminated. Not from competition; actually eliminated. They’re gone. Vladimir Putin threw them a poison state dinner.” – David Letterman

“Russia won the gold medal in women’s figure skating. The Russian skater said she was inspired by her family, her coaches, and what happened to the losing, and now missing, Russian men’s hockey team.” – Conan O’Brien

“The big event in the Olympics will be the U.S. playing Canada in men’s hockey. This is the most that Americans have wanted to see Canadians beaten since they sent us Justin Bieber.” – Conan O’Brien

“A new survey named Vienna, Austria, the world’s best city. Vienna came out on top in this survey because it was No. 1 in three important categories: public transportation, clean air, and the quantity of teeny-tiny sausages.” – Craig Ferguson

“A new report just came out that some companies, especially tech companies, are not hiring enough female employees. But guys who run tech companies say they’d love to hire more women. Or talk to them. Or meet them. Or even see one up close.” – Jimmy Fallon

Good thing Colbert’s show never gets old!