Political Irony

“A new poll found that only 47 percent of voters find Mitt Romney to be trustworthy. Then Romney was like, ‘Well, I hope it’s not the same 47 percent I don’t care about.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“This week President Obama’s Facebook page received more than a million ‘Likes’ in a single day. All of them from Republicans who watched last week’s debate.” – Jimmy Fallon

“There is a lot of anticipation for tonight’s vice-presidential debate. Joe Biden took six days off to prepare for it. President Obama took just two days off. Well, three if you count the actual debate.” – Jay Leno

“Before the debate, Ryan said he’ll stick to the facts. So, see, he’s already lying.” – David Letterman

“We haven’t seen Paul Ryan talk much. He’s a very serious guy. Paul Ryan seems like the guy you see at the bank who really hates standing in line.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Paul Ryan’s handling committee says he just has to do one thing. All he has to do is not look like a beady-eyed little weasel.” – David Letterman

“Paul Ryan looks like the guy who guards the keg at a frat party.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The vice presidential debate between Joe Biden and Paul Ryan went on tonight. It seemed like someone spiked Biden’s ensure with a five-hour energy drink or something. He was very fired up.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Earlier tonight was the vice presidential debate. A lot of people say who cares, but let me tell you something. One of these two gentlemen will be walking the White House dog.” – David Letterman

“Because President Obama and Mitt Romney went way over their time limits, they put safety measures in place for this debate to make sure it didn’t happen again. I think they got this idea from award shows. Biden didn’t even have time to thank his agent.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Astronomers have discovered a planet that is twice the size of earth and made of diamonds. President Obama says the planet may be inhabited by aliens not paying their fair share.” – Jay Leno

© Tom Tomorrow

“During Wednesday’s debate Mitt Romney said that even though he likes Big Bird, if elected he would stop the subsidy to PBS – it’s a surprising threat considering that ‘Mitt’ is such an excellent Muppet name.” – Seth Meyers

“Romney went on to say if elected he would no longer borrow money from China to pay for PBS. China funds PBS? I guess that explains why this week’s Sesame Street was brought to you by the letter this.” – Seth Meyers

“According to Nielson numbers, more than 70 million people watched Wednesday’s debate either on TV, online, or from one of the podiums.” – Seth Meyers

“In an interview promoting his new tell-all, Arnold Schwarzenegger said his marriage to Maria Shriver fell apart because of him and that he hopes to one day win her back. And what better way to win back her love back than to write a book about all the times you tricked her?” – Seth Meyers

“New job numbers came out today. Unemployment went way down from 8 percent to 7.8 percent. Of course, a lot of this was because of the ever-expanding industry of Mitt Romney fact checkers.” – Bill Maher

“You got to hand it to Mitt Romney. He was in full command of his bullshit. In one single night, he was reborn as this taxing-the-rich, regulation-loving centrist. When these people say they’re going to reboot a campaign, they don’t just reboot. They erase the hard drive, take it out, and smash it with a hammer.” – Bill Maher

“I have to tell you, it worked. He shook the Etch-A-Sketch, reversed himself on everything, and now, according to the latest poll, twice as many people think Mitt Romney cares about them. They totally took him back. Today Chris Brown said, ‘That motherfucker is good’.” – Bill Maher

“Mitt Romney is such a different guy, Ann Romney says she no longer has to pretend she’s making love to someone else.” – Bill Maher

“It’s Mormon in America again. I haven’t seen Romney this energized up since HBO canceled Big Love.'” – Bill Maher

“Mitt did a great job. After the debate he celebrated with a bottle of caffeine-free diet soda.” – David Letterman

“Now we know what Romney looks like when he is all charged up. And now we know what Michael Jackson looks like on diprivan.” – Bill Maher

“Romney looked like the big winner, and Obama looked like the Big Lebowski.” – Bill Maher

“Obama’s wedding anniversary was Wednesday and that was the same day as the debate. He apparently had the sex first and was completely spent, had nothing left.” – Bill Maher

“In a new interview, first lady Michelle Obama said that she would choose Will Smith or Denzel Washington to play her husband in a movie. Or as Democrats put that, ‘Any way they can play him in a debate?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“I’m sorry, Obama sucked. He looked tired. He had trouble getting his answers out. It’s like he took my million and spent it all on weed.” – Bill Maher

“I have not seen a black man look that disinterested and annoyed since I dragged Chris Rock to that Beach Boys concert.” – Bill Maher

“At one point Obama looked so dead, Romney tried to baptize him.” – Bill Maher

“Your choice now is pretty clear. You can either vote for the guy who got rid of bin Laden or vote for the guy who wants to get rid of Big Bird.” – David Letterman

“In a new interview, Mitt Romney said that he is against marijuana being used for recreational purposes. When stoners heard that, they were like, ‘Well, what about just for fun?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Twitter said today that Wednesday night’s debate was the most tweeted event in political history. Really, in history? Do you think that has more to do with the fact that Twitter is only six years old?” – Jay Leno