“I want you teabaggers out there to understand one thing: while you idolize the Founding Fathers and dress up like them, and smell like them, I think it’s pretty clear that the Founding Fathers would have hated your guts. And what’s more, you would’ve hated them. They were everything you despise. They studied science, read Plato, hung out in Paris, and thought the Bible was mostly bullsh*t.” – Bill Maher
“The Republican National Committee elected Reince Priebus as their new chairman. “Reince Priebus” is also the name of a car driven by Jay Leno.” – David Letterman
“We had a national tragedy this week, and the President of the United States and Sarah Palin both made speeches on the same day. Obama came out against lunatics with guns, she gave the rebuttal.” – Bill Maher
“Sarah Palin said that she resented being identified as part of the problem. And then she said we’d have to excuse her, she had to work on her agenda of guns on demand, no health care for the insane, and casting the President as a foreign enemy.” – Bill Maher
“In her video posted on her Facebook page, Sarah Palin condemned the media’s coverage of the Arizona shootings by using the phrase ‘blood libel,’ which refers to a harsh anti-Semitic slur. And I would be super-offended — if I thought she knew that.” – Seth Meyers
“Whatever you do, do not compare her to the shooter, because he is a gun-loving lunatic who can’t hold a job and leaves rambling messages on the Internet.” – Bill Maher
“You know the difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull? At some point a pit bull does stop whining.” – Bill Maher
“Why are we listening to a reality TV star anyway? That’s all she is. Can I check in with Snooki and the Kate Moss Cake Boss?” – Bill Maher
“Palin has now agreed to be the keynote speaker next month at a hunter’s convention in Las Vegas. Uh, Siegfried and Roy, if you’re listening, I would put those tigers in an undisclosed location.” – Bill Maher
“Many are asking if our political discourse has gotten too heated. And those people should go to hell!” – Stephen Colbert
“John Boehner skipped the memorial to attend a fundraising cocktail party. He said it’s not that he doesn’t care, just that it was sad and he’s one of those men who’s uncomfortable showing emotions in public.” – Bill Maher
“A lot of the Republicans, I must say, I give it up to them, they applauded Obama’s speech. Some of them said, I swear to God, it was too good, said it was just a little too good. They said, if you want us to love a black man with a golden voice, he’d better be a homeless guy, begging for change.” – Bill Maher
“Arnold Schwarzenegger said being Governor of California cost him at least 200 million dollars in lost movie roles. Moviegoers everywhere said, ‘Totally worth it.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Since Tom DeLay has done only two things since leaving politics – ‘Dancing with the Stars,’ and now prison – somebody must tell him there are easier ways to have sex with men.” – Bill Maher
