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Bad Boys, Whatcha Gonna Do?

© Ruben Bolling

Remember, it isn’t a crime when the president does it, or someone does it for him.

I have a theory about this, I call it the “good/bad syndrome”. It is the idea that there are two types of people: good guys and bad guys. It doesn’t matter what anyone does. If they are good guys it is ok if they are doing clearly illegal things because they are good guys. As for bad guys, they don’t have to do anything because they are already bad guys.

There are so many examples of this. For example, American exceptionalism. Regime change in Iraq (and other countries) is ok, because … we are the good guys. But Russians meddling in our elections is bad because … they are the bad guys.

Or religion. We still sing songs about the Christian crusades (Onward Christian Soldiers), but that was ok because … Christians are the good guys.

The list goes on and on. Republicans versus Democrats, or cops versus minorities. What’s your favorite example of good/bad syndrome?


Late Night Political Humor

[Jokes from Jun 28, 2017]

President Trump today met several Native American tribal leaders. They had a lot of questions for the president, such as, “How the hell did you manage to lose money running a casino?” – Seth Meyers

The New York Times said Donald Trump “faltered in his role as a ‘closer’.” Yeah, usually, he’s a great closer. Just look at his casinos. Oh wait, you can’t, they’re gone. – Stephen Colbert

I saw that President Trump retweeted a 16-year-old who posted a photo calling CNN the “Fake News Network.” When asked what it’s like to have a child follow you on Twitter, the 16-year-old said, “Pretty cool!” – Jimmy Fallon

During a phone call with the Irish prime minister yesterday, President Trump reportedly told an Irish journalist in the Oval Office that she had “a nice smile on her face.” Then he said, “Wait, now it’s gone.” – Seth Meyers

Some parents are planning to boycott Disney World’s Hall of Presidents now that it features Trump. Or as their kids put it, “Oh, no. Guess we’ll just have to do Splash Mountain again.” – Jimmy Fallon

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell announced that voting on the [healthcare] bill would be delayed until after the Fourth of July. It’s a smart move. You don’t want to strip people of healthcare until after the holiday that mixes booze and explosives. – Stephen Colbert

I saw yesterday Republican senators took coach buses to the White House to meet with Trump about healthcare. You could tell which senators actually read the bill, ‘cuz they were the ones buckling their seat belts. – Jimmy Fallon

According to the Times, Trump failed to sway Senate Republicans who didn’t support the bill. His top aides didn’t lobby for it, and one Republican senator said the president did not have a grasp of some basic elements of the Senate plan. – Stephen Colbert

According to new research, a press-on patch for the flu vaccine works just as well as the flu shot. You just remove the adhesive backing and place it firmly over your co-worker’s mouth. – Seth Meyers

If you haven’t heard, there’s been another global cyber-attack. This time, hackers unleashed a virus called GoldenEye, which you may remember as the name of Pierce Brosnan’s first James Bond film. Which means it’s a pretty good virus, but your dad still thinks Sean Connery’s malware was better. – Stephen Colbert

The other day, a man in Minnesota got arrested, and handed the officer a Monopoly “Get out of jail free” card. Then when he got to prison, his cellmate handed him a card that said, “You won a beauty contest.” – Jimmy Fallon

Spirit Airlines recently gave a family 21 years of free travel after a mother went into labor and gave birth mid-flight. Though they probably should have given those free flights to the guy sitting next to her. – Seth Meyers


Pardon Me?

© Joel Pett

This is all over the news, so I won’t go into much detail, but Donald Trump has launched an all out war against special counsel Robert Mueller. He started one of the biggest Twitter storms ever yesterday and it just keeps going. Trump is threatening to fire Mueller, which even pretty much all Republicans in Congress condemned as a very bad idea.

Trump is also trying to dig up dirt on Mueller (and Mueller’s staff), so that he can smear them. Seriously. That will almost certainly backfire.

As this article points out, once Congress turns against Trump, then probably most of his base will follow. Trump may have already lost them, along with the CIA.

But the most dangerous thing is that Trump is claiming that he has the power to pardon everyone in his administration, even himself.

Think about that for a minute. If the president has the power to do anything he wants, even if it is illegal (you know, like shoot someone on 5th Ave) and then pardon himself, then we have completely lost our democracy and gained a despot.

Legal experts are actively debating whether or not this would be constitutional, but it doesn’t matter. Absolutely no legal arguments will ever convince me that the founders of this nation, who had just fought a war against King George III of England for their freedom, intended for the president to have the powers of a king or dictator. What’s next, Trump declaring “L’Etat, c’est moi“?

To me, this is a sign that Trump knows that he is in deep trouble, and is so desperate that he is reacting in the only way he knows how. Which means that maybe our current nightmare is almost over. I’m guessing that Donald Trump will resign as president before Mueller can release any results from his investigation. At least, I’m hoping that is how this will end. Either that or we will have a full-blown constitutional crisis on our hands and may very well lose our country.


Late Night Political Humor

[Jokes from Jun 27, 2017]

Republicans, who were already nervous, ran for the exits after the nonpartisan Congressional Budget Office announced yesterday that under the GOP plan, 22 million people would lose their health coverage. That’s a big number. To put that number into perspective, if you laid 22 million people end to end, it would reach Canada, where they could get healthcare. – Stephen Colbert

It came out yesterday that under the Republican healthcare plan, 22 million people will lose their health insurance over the next decade. 22 million! Or as Trump put it, “Wow — that’s like, half my Inauguration crowd!” – Jimmy Fallon

You remember how the Republicans have been promising to repeal and replace Obamacare for seven years now? Yeah. It’s their most consistent message other than “Turn down that hip-hop racket, you kids!” – Stephen Colbert

President Trump invited all Republican senators to the White House today for a meeting about healthcare. I guess he turned to each of them and said, “You have five seconds to explain it to me, GO!” – Jimmy Fallon

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell has promised he will pass Trumpcare before the July 4 recess. And he has got to, because McConnell knows if they don’t pass it now, there’s a serious danger someone might read it. – Stephen Colbert

Disneyworld’s Hall of Presidents, which has been closed since January in order to add a new President Trump robot, has reportedly pushed its reopening to the fall. “Bummer!” said literally not one child. – Seth Meyers

I saw that Canada is restoring a historic brothel that was owned by Trump’s grandfather in 1897. They’re even putting a plaque out front that says: “The Trumps: Screwing People Since 1897.” – Jimmy Fallon

The White House today formally nominated Christopher Wray to be the next director of the FBI. Aaaand… he’s been fired. – Seth Meyers

Today, a giant cyberattack hit computer systems in Russia. In a related story, Hillary Clinton just had a GREAT week at computer camp. – Jimmy Fallon

In a recent interview, former Georgia congressional candidate John Ossoff said his near-victory for the Democrats last week shows that President Trump and chief strategist Steve Bannon “should be sweating in 2018.” Um, have you seen those guys lately? They probably sweat getting out of bed. – Seth Meyers

German Chancellor Angela Merkel said in an interview yesterday, “I laugh at least once every day. Otherwise I cannot do this job.” Once every day? I would have guessed “once, period.” – Seth Meyers


Sessions Perjured Himself, Twice

Attorney General Jeff Sessions is supposed to be our country’s top law enforcer, but evidence appeared on Friday that Sessions perjured himself twice.

The first time we already knew about. It was when Sessions was being confirmed, when under questioning Sessions said “I did not have communications with the Russians.” After confirmation, we found out that Sessions did indeed meet with the Russians. Sessions was called back to Congress, where he admitted that he had two meetings with the Russian ambassador (and probable spy) Sergey Kislyak but that he did not discuss anything related to Trump’s presidential campaign. Except that there were actually three meetings. This led to Sessions recusing himself from the Russian investigation.

So of course, new evidence has appeared that Sessions and Kislyak did discuss the Trump campaign and the election. Which at worst would indicate that Sessions conspired with the Russians, which is a crime. Or at best he merely perjured himself under oath, twice, which is also a crime.

Either way, Sessions should go.

A spokesperson for the Justice Department has now acknowledged that the campaign and election might have been discussed during the meetings, but that interference in the election was not. The story keeps changing.

Electoral Vote points out that now we have five separate (and top) members of his presidential campaign who were only too happy to meet with the Russians to discuss the election. And then lied about it.

And Donald Trump claims that he didn’t know anything about any of it. And this week Trump said that he wouldn’t have appointed Sessions as AG if he had known that Session was going to recuse himself from the Russian investigation.

© Chan Lowe


Late Night Political Humor

[Jokes from Jun 26, 2017]

Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin got married this weekend for the third time, and the wedding was officiated by Vice President Mike Pence. Because if there’s one thing Mike Pence stands for, it’s the sanctity of a third marriage. – Seth Meyers

This weekend, Mike Pence officiated the wedding of Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin. Pence said, “You may now kiss the bride.” Then he was like, “Not you, Mr. President.” – Jimmy Fallon

President Trump and his wife Melania this weekend attended the wedding of Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin. When asked if she cries at weddings, Melania said, “Just the one.” – Seth Meyers

Yesterday, President Trump said that Obama copied him by calling the Republican healthcare bill “Mean.” And then Obama said Trump copied him by spending the last six months doing nothing. – Jimmy Fallon

Actually, though, Obama is taking some heat right now, because it came out that two senators tried to warn him that Russia was trying to hack the election and he ignored them. Trump promises that if he ever gets top secret information about Russia, he’ll do the responsible thing and tweet it. – Jimmy Fallon

In an interview today, Ivanka Trump graded her father’s presidency as an “A.” Though if you want an honest assessment maybe ask someone who’s not in the will. Like Eric. – Seth Meyers

Nancy Pelosi was talking about her first meeting with Trump and she said that he served pigs in a blanket and kosher meatballs. It’s good to know that even the president has a bunch of food from Costco that he is trying to get rid of. – Jimmy Fallon

Two Florida men reportedly abandoned their car last week after crashing into a Dorito’s truck, which sounds like the perfect case for CHiPs. – Seth Meyers


Luther is BACK!

And now he has even more to be angry about!


Late Night Political Humor

[Jokes from Jun 22, 2017]

This morning Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell showed us a draft of his top-secret new healthcare legislation. They opened the vault, they laid the bill out on a table, rubbed lemon juice all over it, and the text magically appeared for all to see. And wouldn’t you know it, the bill includes a big tax cut for rich people. – Jimmy Kimmel

The Senate healthcare bill came out today, and it would cut a tax on indoor tanning. Which is the biggest proof so far that Trump was actually working on the bill. – Jimmy Fallon

They’re calling the plan “Bettercare,” as in: Just imagine how much better this plan would be if the people who wrote it cared. – Jimmy Kimmel

We have Ray Romano on the show tonight. He stars in the new movie “The Big Sick,” which is also the name of the Republican healthcare bill. – Jimmy Fallon

It slashes Medicaid, which could negatively affect millions of poor and elderly people. But here’s the thing, it won’t happen until 2024. It’s gradual. Which makes you wonder: Why 2024? What is the significance of that? Will we all be in those pods from “The Matrix” by then, we won’t need healthcare? – Jimmy Kimmel

Senate Republicans today released a draft of their bill to repeal and replace Obamacare, which would cut taxes for richer Americans and insurance companies, and defund Planned Parenthood for one year. The bill is so bad, President Trump said, “Does anyone have any questions for me about Russia? – Seth Meyers

Alternatively, I could show you my tax returns. Do you guys want to see that?” – Seth Meyers

Yesterday, White House officials said Russia targeted election systems in 21 states last year. Trump was furious. He said, “I paid for all 50.” – Jimmy Fallon

You remember a month ago Donald Trump tweeted: “James Comey better hope there are no ‘tapes’ of our conversations before he starts leaking to the press.” Well, guess what, today Trump tweeted, “I have no idea whether there are ‘tapes’ or recordings of my conversations with James Comey. But I did not make and do not have any such recordings.” He’s now fact-checking himself! – James Corden

Today, Trump tweeted that he doesn’t have recordings of his conversations with former FBI Director James Comey. He doesn’t have them. Then one guy said [Russian accent], “Don’t worry, you can borrow ours.” – Jimmy Fallon

Of course Trump doesn’t have a tape. Secretly taping someone would require thinking ahead — and show me one time that this president has done that. – James Corden

But yeah, it turns out Trump didn’t record Comey, there are no tapes. The main reason for this is that people haven’t used tapes since 1992. – James Corden

President Trump and the first lady hosted the congressional picnic today on the south lawn of the White House, or as Eric was told, “the north lawn.” – Seth Meyers

At a rally in Iowa last night, Trump unveiled a new plan for his long-proposed border wall [clip of Trump]: “We’re thinking about building the wall as a solar wall so it creates energy and pays for itself.” A solar wall. Now he’s literally blowing sunshine up our [butts]. – James Corden

Following losses in two special congressional elections this week, one Democratic staffer reportedly said, “We have 80-year-old leaders and 90-year-old ranking members. This isn’t a party, it’s a giant assisted living center.” Even worse, the reporter then asked about the upcoming G7 summit, and several people yelled “Bingo!” – Seth Meyers
NASA reports that it had a record 18,000 applicants to be astronauts. And apparently 1,000 more apply every time President Trump tweets. – Conan O’Brien

A Muslim model has become the first woman to appear in a hijab on the cover of Allure magazine. She also appears in a fashion spread entitled, “10 Hot Looks for When You’re Detained at the Airport.” – Conan O’Brien

A new survey revealed that the average time a heterosexual couple has sex is 19 minutes. In my case, that’s two minutes for sex and 17 minutes for apologizing. – Conan O’Brien


Not Made In America

Donald Trump decided to celebrate this week as “Made in America” week, saying “Remember the old days, you used to have ‘Made in the USA’. We’re going to put that brand on our products because it means it’s the best.” Then he held an event at the White House where he highlighted products made in each of the 50 US states, including cowboy hats from Texas, baseball bats from Kentucky, tractors from Illinois, and so on.

Then someone noticed something strange. There were no Trump-branded products at the event. Trump and his family have have never hesitated to promote their own products, so what gives?

It looks like he couldn’t find any Trump-branded products that are made in America. Is Trump admitting that his products are not “the best”?

© Jack Ohman


Late Night Political Humor

[Jokes from Jun 21, 2017]

Today is the summer solstice, which is the longest day of the year. Or as the White House calls that, “every day”. – Jimmy Fallon

Today was the longest day of the year … says Sean Spicer every day. – Seth Meyers

Today, hundreds of people did yoga in Times Square to celebrate the first day of summer. At least, I THINK that’s why Times Square Elmo was lying face-down. – Jimmy Fallon

There was a special election in Georgia last night to fill a vacant congressional seat and Republican Karen Handel defeated the Democrat Jon Ossoff. Now, I have a question about the American political process. When is there NOT an election? There is ALWAYS an election here. You LOVE elections. The only thing you love more than elections is moaning about the outcome of elections. – James Corden

The Republican won the election and she did it the old-fashioned way, without the help of any Russians. – James Corden

Following two special election losses for the Democratic Party yesterday, one Democratic congressman said, quote, “Our brand is worse than Trump.” “Hey, that’s our slogan!” said United Airlines. – Seth Meyers

Experts say the Republican victory in Georgia shows that Americans may not be as dissatisfied with Trump as, let’s say, Melania is. – James Corden

President Trump’s son-in-law Jared Kushner is in the Middle East to broker a historic peace between Israel and the Palestinians. Kushner thinks real progress will start once both sides stop laughing. – Conan O’Brien

Mitch McConnell wants to force a Senate vote on healthcare before July 4, because if there’s one day you want to take away people’s healthcare, it’s the day when they get drunk and set off fireworks. – Jimmy Fallon

In Israel, a court ruled that a religious man cannot force a woman to move seats on an airplane just because he’s afraid of having accidental physical contact with her. It was the landmark case of Israel vs. Mike Pence. – Conan O’Brien

Now here’s some news from my home country. In her latest speech her majesty the queen did not mention Donald Trump’s state visit to the U.K., leading some to speculate that it may have been canceled. So apparently two can play this whole travel ban game. – James Corden

The Supreme Court just ruled that it is now legal for sex offenders to use social media. When asked to explain the decision, the justices said, “Sex offenders on the internet — what’s the worst that could happen?” – Conan O’Brien

A child development expert has sued Disney for stealing her idea for the movie “Inside Out.” Disney called the suit ridiculous, then announced their next movie about a child development expert who sues Disney for stealing her idea. – Jimmy Fallon

The reality show “Bachelor in Paradise” has been cleared of the assault charges and it’s going to resume filming. The news was celebrated today by ABC, the contestants, and the chlamydia virus. – Conan O’Brien

Discovery Channel is promoting its upcoming Shark Week by promising to have Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps race a great white shark. But don’t tell him! It’s a surprise! – Seth Meyers


Suspension of Disbelief

© Tom Tomorrow

Why do Donald Trump supporters believe anything he says? How can they believe such a flimsy story about meeting with the Russians?

Even Trump jokes about his constant habit of lying. On Monday at an event at the White House, Trump said:

We’ve signed more bills — and I’m talking about through the legislature — than any President ever. For a while Harry Truman had us, and now I think we have everybody, Mike. I better say ‘think’, otherwise they’ll give me a Pinocchio, and I don’t like those — I don’t like Pinocchios.

Pinocchios are what the fact checkers at the Washington Post awards to lies.

Of course, it was trivial for fact checkers to verify that Trump has signed fewer bills than almost all recent presidents. Trump has signed 42 bills so far. At this point in their presidency, Jimmy Carter signed 70, George H.W. Bush signed 55, Bill Clinton signed 50. Trump has not even caught up to the number of bills that Harry Truman had signed at Truman’s 100 day mark. All but one president between 1901 and 1949 beat Trump as well.

Minutes later, Trump continued lying. He lied about how many mining jobs have been created. And then just to make sure, he repeated the lie.

At this point, one wonders what it would take for Trump’s supporters to realize that he lies continuously and arbitrarily. He lies about things that nobody even cares about. Why tell the truth when it is easier to just make shit up all the time.

But this is serious. As long as Trump’s base believes anything he says, the Republicans will not dare impeach him (even though it is clear that many Republicans in Congress would love to do so). Hell, they are too chicken shit to even disagree with Trump most of the time, knowing that they will just piss off Trump’s supporters.

So, what will it take before Trump’s base realizes that they are being conned long and hard? What will it take to end this national nightmare?


Late Night Political Humor

[Jokes from Jun 20, 2017]

On Monday, Donald Trump met with the president of Panama and bragged that the U.S. built the Panama Canal. Trump’s bringing up a project from 100 years ago like he had something to do with it. So I guess if he never builds his border wall, he can always take credit for the one in China. – James Corden

This is basically the only thing Trump knows about Panama. He meets someone from Panama and says, “Hey — canal.” He meets someone from France and says, “Hey — baguettes.” He meets someone from Russia and says, “Hey — thanks for helping me with that whole beating Hillary thing.” – James Corden

And with the Russia investigation getting bigger, I read that Trump’s lawyer has now hired his own lawyer. When asked if he feels good about the case, Trump’s lawyer’s lawyer said, “Talk to my lawyer”. – Jimmy Fallon

According to a new CBS poll, President Trump’s approval rating is just 36 percent. Said Trump, “Out of how many?” – Seth Meyers

A new study just came out and it found that after a few months of Donald Trump, most Americans now have a favorable view of President George W. Bush. When reached for comment, the ghost of Richard Nixon said, “Here I come, baby.” – Conan O’Brien

Trump’s war with the press continues. Yesterday, reporters were blocked from recording video or audio during the White House press briefing. Which is incredible. When asked why cameras and recording devices were not allowed in the press briefings, Press Secretary Sean Spicer said… [moment of silence] I mean, I don’t know. I can’t make this any clearer. Nothing was recorded in there. – James Corden

The White House is reportedly taking Sean Spicer off of giving press briefings, and moving him to a “more senior role focused on strategy”. Which I think is the political version of saying someone’s moving to “a farm upstate”. – Jimmy Fallon

There’s a rumor that the White House is going to find a new place for Press Secretary Sean Spicer. All they told Spicer was “it’s on a big farm upstate where you can run and play with all the other press secretaries…” – Conan O’Brien

Actually, it turns out Spicer is leading the search for his own replacement. Trump would help — but he’s busy searching for HIS own replacement. – Jimmy Fallon

Steve Bannon apparently said that Spicer’s press briefings have been off camera lately because, quote, “Sean got fatter”. You know you’re in bad shape when Steve Bannon thinks you’ve let yourself go. – Jimmy Fallon

Today was National Vanilla Milkshake Day. Or as Mike Pence calls it, “Spicy Tuesday!” – Seth Meyers

Summer officially begins tonight. So if you’re wondering why your kids stopped going to school, that’s probably the reason. – Jimmy Kimmel

The temperature is so high in Phoenix, Arizona, that flights are being canceled because it’s too hot for planes. Because at higher temperatures, the air has a lower density, which reduces how much lift is generated. Scientists first realized this was a problem when they saw birds taking the bus north for summer. – Stephen Colbert

It was 119 degrees in Phoenix, Arizona, today. It was too hot to fly. They couldn’t take off because I guess the wheels would melt on the tarmac. People were so desperate for air conditioning, dozens of them actually went to go see that “Baywatch” movie. – Jimmy Kimmel

It’s so hot that the cartoon sun from the weather reports is staying home in the air conditioning. – Stephen Colbert

Today, in Las Vegas, the forecast was a record 117. Also the average age of people at the nickel slots. – Stephen Colbert

It was 117 in Las Vegas. When it hits 117 in Vegas, that’s when the strippers really have it figured out. They’re like, look at you idiots in clothes, we’re wearing nothing. We’re at work. – Jimmy Kimmel

And today, temperatures are expected to reach 127 degrees in Death Valley. But, it’s a dry death. – Stephen Colbert

The state of California has what they call “pay to stay” jails where an inmate can pay for a more comfortable cell. For $100 a night an inmate can get a semi-private room, single showers, and they can make phone calls whenever they want. Like a hotel. Just don’t ask where the mint on your pillow has been. – Jimmy Kimmel

Yesterday, the U.S. experienced a series of internet outages. Things got so bad we momentarily surpassed China in productivity. – Conan O’Brien

In Argentina, an entire trove of Nazi artifacts has been found hidden in a house. You can see the whole thing on the new reality show, “Nazi Hoarders”. – Conan O’Brien

“Batman and Robin” came out 20 years ago today. But we always kinda suspected. – Seth Meyers

Qatar Airways today was named “Airline of the Year” at the Paris Air Show. While United was named “Heavyweight Champion” by the WWE. – Seth Meyers


Late Night Political Humor

[Jokes from Jun 19, 2017]

Because Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein was in on talks about firing Comey, he may need to recuse himself from the Russia probe. He would be the third member of this investigation to be gone, after Attorney General Jeff Sessions and former FBI Director James Comey. It’s all in the latest season of “Survivor: Justice Department Island.” – Stephen Colbert

There have been more legal problems for Donald Trump. One of the president’s lawyers claimed over the weekend that Trump is not under investigation. Which should come as a surprise to Trump, because he tweeted this out a couple of days ago: “I am being investigated.” – James Corden

Last week, The Washington Post reported that the president was under investigation for obstruction of justice — but, of course, that is just speculation from a hostile newspaper using anonymous sources, so Donald Trump did the smart thing and made no comment. I’m just kidding. – Stephen Colbert

Yesterday, President Trump’s lawyer insisted that Trump is not under investigation. He added, “And you can trust me, I’m Donald Trump’s lawyer.” – Conan O’Brien

This can’t be easy for Trump’s lawyers. Like, they’re representing someone who lies even more than they do. And lying is their job. – James Corden

On Friday, he tweeted, “I am being investigated for firing the FBI director by the man who told me to fire the FBI director! Witch hunt.” Mr. President, you know the phrase “You better lawyer up?” It’s short for “You better get a lawyer — and shut up.” – Stephen Colbert

Trump is running a fundraising contest where the winner gets to have dinner with him. James Comey was like, “Trust me, that is not a good prize. Don’t do it.” – Jimmy Fallon

Former FBI Director James Comey was reportedly seen dancing this weekend at a wedding in Washington, D.C. Gotta say, I’m impressed. If I had read that many of Anthony Weiner’s emails, I don’t think I’d ever dance again. – Seth Meyers

A new report just came out that says President Trump made $598 million in income last year. It sounds like a lot, but after taxes … it was still $598 million. – Jimmy Fallon

Over the weekend it was reported the president is planning to appoint the person who will oversee billions of dollars as head of the Department of Housing and Urban Development for the states of New York and New Jersey. And that person is — drumroll, please — his son Eric’s wedding planner! For real, she planned his wedding. I guess she did a good job. – Jimmy Kimmel

Her name is Lynne Patton. She has no experience in urban or housing development but has incredible reviews on Yelp. Almost five stars. And she really knows her way around a centerpiece. – Jimmy Kimmel

This weekend, Trump took his first trip to Camp David. He spent the whole weekend walking around, exploring the property and looking for the Wi-Fi password. “I got to tweet! I got to tweet!” – Jimmy Fallon

During a meeting with the president of Panama today, President Trump said, “We did a good job building the Panama Canal,” despite the fact that the canal was constructed over a century ago. Mr. President, if you’re going to keep saying stuff this dumb in front of other world leaders, could you at least wear a big bandage on your head? You know, so it seems like there’s a reason. – Seth Meyers

The Supreme Court ruled that a company has the legal right to have an offensive name. In other words, Trump Tower is going to stay Trump Tower. – Conan O’Brien

I hope everyone had a good Father’s Day. Or as the Trump children call it, a day. – James Corden

I don’t know if we should have cards for Father’s Day. For Mother’s Day, they’re sweet with nice messages. Father’s Day cards fit into four major categories [shows cards]: golf, fishing, barbecue, beer. – Jimmy Kimmel

And beer. And beer. And beer and beer. [shows card that reads “Beer Is the Answer”] What kind of message is this? “Dad, you are a potbellied drunk and we’re sending you to rehab after you finish mowing the lawn.” We need to mix it up a little. Either the cards need to change, or we do. – Jimmy Kimmel

According to a new survey, about 1 in 5 dads said they feel guilty about not being present enough with their children. Then again, 1 out of 5 dads is all they could find. – Seth Meyers

The big news over the weekend is that Beyoncé’s twins are here! Beyoncé’s father announced on Twitter that she gave birth last week to two healthy twins weighing in at 6 pounds, 7 “oncés.” – James Corden

I want to say congrats to Beyoncé and Jay-Z, who welcomed twins. The doctor said, “It’s a boy and a girl,” and the twins said, “It’s Jay-Z and Beyoncé! Oh, my gosh!” – Jimmy Fallon

The big day finally arrived. Beyoncé gave birth to twins this weekend. And this is surprising: Their names are Kevin and Linda. – Seth Meyers

People figured out they had a boy and a girl when they saw light blue and bright pink balloons being delivered. Incidentally, Light Blue and Bright Pink are also the names they’re considering for the babies. – Jimmy Fallon



© Clay Bennett

Team Trump spent this weekend engaging in a propaganda technique called “Whataboutism” that is similar to a technique often used by young children. Whataboutism is used to deflect attention from bad behavior by claiming that other people are at fault, like “All the other kids do it!” or “It wasn’t my fault!”.

I have to admit that Trump has taken this technique to a new extreme, using it like a shotgun blasting away with excuse after excuse (most of which make no sense) trying to see if any stick so they can deflect attention, any attention, away from their own bad behavior.

First up was Donald Trump Senior’s lawyer, Jay Sekulow, who tried to blame the US Secret Service for the meeting between Donald Trump Jr and the Russians, saying “If this was nefarious, why’d the Secret Service allow these people in? The president had Secret Service protection at that point. That raised a question with me.” This was not an offhand comment — Sekulow hit all of the five Sunday shows with his story.

This is such a flimsy excuse — basically saying “my bodyguards should have stopped me from doing anything illegal” but it is even worse than that. The Secret Service immediately pointed out that Donald Trump Jr. was not under their protection during the campaign, which is when the meeting occurred.

Part two was from Trump Sr., who just before his normal Sunday golf game trotted out the now standard “What about Hillary?” excuse by tweeting “HillaryClinton can illegally get the questions to the Debate & delete 33,000 emails but my son Don is being scorned by the Fake News Media?” Yeah, like getting one question to a debate in advance is anywhere near as bad as conspiring with your country’s enemy to throw an election.

Quickly followed by part three, an extra added dose of “What about Hillary?”, claiming that the Clinton campaign conspired with the Ukrainians, so they are just as bad. This is based on a meeting between DNC consultant Alexandra Chalupa and Ukrainian diplomats. But there is a huge difference between meeting with a foreign government and conspiring with them to throw an election.

Chalupa was investigating whether Paul Manafort (who was also involved in the Russian meeting) had been involved in secret dealings in Ukraine with politicians who had ties to Russia. It turned out that Manafort did have undisclosed dealings and he eventually lost his job as Trump’s campaign manager. So talking to the Ukrainians was legitimate. Indeed, the information she received was publicly available, so it isn’t even collusion, unlike the Russian information, which was presented as so secret that it could only be revealed to Trump Jr. in person.

It might have been reasonable if the Trump campaign had met with the Russians because there was some suggestion that Hilary Clinton had undisclosed ties to the Russians, but that isn’t the case. Nor was there any suggestion that the Ukraine was trying to influence the US election. And finally, like all “Whataboutism” even if Clinton (and Chalupa didn’t even work for the Clinton campaign) actually did conspire with the Ukrainians for some nefarious end, would that excuse the Trump campaign from conspiring with Russia to throw the election? Even in the best case, both should go to jail.

Ironically, Whataboutism was extremely popular with the Soviet Union and with post-Soviet Russia. But would it surprise anyone to learn that the Trump campaign was taking lessons from the Russians?

© Mike Luckovich


Late Night Political Humor

[Jokes from Jun 15, 2017]

The Washington Post reports that President Trump is being investigated for obstruction of justice, which could wind up costing him the presidency. Trump was like, “OK, now give me the bad news.” – Jimmy Fallon

It was revealed yesterday that the FBI is now investigating President Donald Trump for obstruction of justice. I don’t know if Trump obstructed justice, but I’ll tell you what he has obstructed — my ability to talk about anything other than Trump every night on this show. Let’s be honest: That’s the real crime, isn’t it? – James Corden

I don’t want to be doing this! I want to be talking about whether or not Beyoncé’s had her twins yet. Where are they? – James Corden

President Trump is under investigation for obstruction of justice. That was confirmed today when President Trump said he is NOT under investigation for obstruction of justice. – Conan O’Brien

How do you guys think the president of the United States responded to these very serious allegations? If you guessed “on Twitter”, I’m sorry to report that you were correct. – James Corden

The president woke up bright and early this morning, the day after what had to be his worst birthday ever. He woke up, walked down the hall to Melania’s bedroom, the door was locked. So he went downstairs, punched Sean Spicer in the stomach, wrestled the phone out of his little pink hands and tweeted about this special investigation into him. – Jimmy Kimmel

This morning Trump responded to an article on Twitter and called it a “phony story”. I guess at this point even Trump’s tired of saying “fake news.” – Jimmy Fallon

Remember when Donald Trump said he would give up tweeting when he became president? That was funny. That was a good one. – Jimmy Kimmel

But I guess this investigation is also a big deal. Democrats are hoping that this will lead to impeachment. Republicans, on the other hand, are secretly hoping … that this will lead to impeachment. – James Corden

Yesterday we learned that the president is being investigated by a special counsel led by Robert Mueller for possible obstruction of justice. So this morning at 7:57 a.m., Trump tweeted, “You are witnessing the single greatest witch hunt in American political history led by some very bad and conflicted people. #MAGA.” He’s even making witch hunts great again! – Jimmy Kimmel

I don’t think witches play golf every weekend. The way we’ll know Trump is a witch is when the White House falls on top of him and we see his feet curl up. – Jimmy Kimmel

This morning Donald Trump tweeted: “They made up a phony collusion with the Russian story, found zero proof, so now they go with obstruction of justice on the phony story. Nice.” Donald Trump is the first president to make regular use of the sarcastic “nice”, isn’t he? You never heard FDR go, “This is a date which will live in infamy. Nice.” – James Corden

Although, Bill Clinton did use “nice”, but it was different. It was when he said, “I did not have sexual relations with that woman. [winks] Nice.” – James Corden

Experts say that if President Trump were to fire Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller, all hell would break loose. Or as Trump calls that, “Thursday”. – Conan O’Brien

Sunday is Father’s Day and the Trump kids are planning to give their father a tie. It’ll be the first time in a while that Trump has a tie that’s not linked to Russia. – Conan O’Brien

Trump also tried to deflect the allegations by going after Hillary Clinton — again. This afternoon, he posted: “Crooked H destroyed phones with hammer, bleached emails and had husband meet with AG days before she was cleared — and they talk about obstruction?” Now just so you know, I don’t understand what this means either. But let’s go through it piece by piece. Let’s start with “Crooked H”. Now, I think he’s talking about Hillary, but Crooked H could also be a member of the Wu Tang Clan. – James Corden

“Crooked H” sounds like how someone would describe the letter “K” if they forgot what it was called. – James Corden

Next, he said she bleached her emails. That doesn’t sound so bad, does it? Sometimes, before a really hot date night with my wife, I’ll go get my email bleached. It’s a courtesy to your partner. – James Corden

The real question is: Why is Donald Trump still tweeting about Hillary? Seriously, Donald Trump is that guy who swears he’s over his ex, but then spends the entire night telling you exactly how over her he is. – James Corden

The Senate today passed a bill that imposes new sanctions on Russia and allows Congress to stop President Trump from repealing them. Wow, even Congress doesn’t trust him. He’s like a 15-year-old kid who still gets a babysitter. – Seth Meyers

Vladimir Putin has offered asylum to former FBI Director James Comey. When she heard, Melania Trump said, “Hey, what about me?” – Conan O’Brien

The Senate today passed a bill that imposes new sanctions on Russia and allows Congress to stop President Trump from repealing them. Wow, even Congress doesn’t trust him. He’s like a 15-year-old kid who still gets a babysitter. – Seth Meyers

Dennis Rodman is in the middle of what is planned to be a four-day trip in North Korea and he brought gifts on this trip for his BFF Kim Jong Un. He brought a variety of soaps wrapped in cellophane. He brought a mermaid jigsaw puzzle. Two nondescript number 91 jerseys. This is like a sad yard sale or terrible flea market. – Jimmy Kimmel

And two books, “Where’s Waldo?” and “The Art of the Deal.” I love that he brought Kim Jong Un “The Art of the Deal” — as if he needs help negotiating. Negotiating with Kim Jong Un goes like this: You do everything I say and I won’t feed you to a boa constrictor. – Jimmy Kimmel

“Where’s Waldo?” they think is for Kim Jong Un’s daughter, who I think is 5 years old. They love American books in North Korea. They adapt them to suit the North Korean lifestyle. There’s “Good Night Un,” “Oh the Places You’ll Never Go,” “The Very Hungry Caterpillar and Millions of Other People.” – Jimmy Kimmel

It really is amazing Dennis Rodman and Kim Jong Un are friends. Especially considering Kim Jong Un doesn’t speak English and Dennis Rodman doesn’t speak English. – Jimmy Kimmel

President Trump will speak in Miami tomorrow. He’ll be comfortable, because he still has strong support in Florida. Plus, he’s the state fruit. – Seth Meyers

Kevin Durant says that President Obama sent him a text to congratulate him on winning his first championship this week. Meanwhile, LeBron got a text that said “loser”. – Jimmy Fallon

Major league baseball has announced that they will allow players to wear nicknames on their jerseys for one weekend this season. Unfortunately, it will be the nicknames fans give them. – Seth Meyers

Fox News is dropping its slogan “fair and balanced”. Instead, it will be replaced with the more appropriate slogan “blondes and Hannity”. – Jimmy Fallon

National Geographic’s new slogan is “basically the Playboy Channel for chimpanzees.” – Jimmy Fallon

BBC America is changing their slogan to “dumber BBC.” – Jimmy Fallon

And finally, HGTV’s new slogan is “making you realize how many annoying couples exist.” – Jimmy Fallon

A company is offering a new service that will allow personal photos to be printed on swim trunks. “So it’ll just look like I’m naked?” asked Anthony Weiner. – Seth Meyers

A United Airlines employee is under fire for pushing over a 71-year-old passenger. Or as the CEO of United put it, “We’re back, baby!” – Conan O’Brien

Ikea recently announced that it will be launching a candle collection, because what goes together better than Ikea furniture and an open flame? – Seth Meyers