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100 Days?

Three weeks before the election, Donald Trump gave a speech at Gettysburg promising a “100 day contract” with America. Here’s what that “contract” promised, put into a flashy graphic that Trump posted to Twitter:

The tweet from Trump also said “My contract with the American voter will restore honesty, accountability & CHANGE to Washington! #DrainTheSwamp”.

His 100 days is almost up, and Trump has accomplished exactly zero of these contract items. Nor has he drained the swamp or restored honesty, accountability, or change.

And so naturally, Trump has now tweeted that the standard of the first 100 days is “ridiculous” and blamed it on the media. Even though it was Trump himself who made a big deal about the first hundred days.

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Late Night Political Humor

[Jokes from Mar. 6, 2017]

Trump went on Twitter early Saturday morning and launched off several posts accusing Barack Obama of wiretapping Trump Tower during the election. Right now we are this close to Trump putting tinfoil on his head during a speech and shouting, “Try reading my thoughts now, Obama!” – James Corden

This weekend, President Trump tweeted that President Obama tapped his phones at Trump Tower. Trump said it was particularly upsetting because he’s a private man who likes to keep his thoughts to himself. – Conan O’Brien

Saturday morning while he was in Florida, out of nowhere, Trump tweeted: “Terrible! Just found out that Obama had my wires tapped in Trump Tower just before the victory. Nothing found. This is McCarthyism!” Just like that, the White House had to reset their sign [The President Has Worked __Days Without a Twitter Freakout] back to zero. So sad. They’d gotten up to, like, five days. It was a new record. – Stephen Colbert

In another tweet Trump wrote, “How low has President Obama gone to ‘tapp’ my phones during the very sacred election process. This is Nixon/Watergate, bad or sick guy.” These are damning allegations, so of course the nation immediately responded by saying “Hey dip [bleep], you spelled ‘tap’ wrong.” – James Corden

Next, he tweeted: “How low has President Obama gone to ‘tapp’ my phones during the very sacred election process. This is Nixon/Watergate.” Wait, you said this was McCarthyism. Now it’s Nixon-Watergate? Pick your historical analogy! “This is the Pearl Harbor of Hindenburg/Great Depression D-Days/finale of ‘Lost.’” – Stephen Colbert

Apparently Trump believes this because he read about it in Breitbart News. He just read about it and believed it. I’m like, “Quick, someone write a fake news story about Trump resigning.” – James Corden

Last week — I don’t know if you were paying attention — but Donald Trump seemed pretty steady. He gave a big-boy speech in front of Congress, long pants and everything. I was afraid he’d sold the timeshare in Crazytown. Well, he’s baaack! – Stephen Colbert

It was another wild weekend for President Trump, who tweeted up a world of trouble Saturday morning at Mar-a-Lago. A lot of people are saying they need to take his phone away. I think maybe at this point they should consider taking his thumbs away. Put them in a box, give them back to him in four years. – Jimmy Kimmel

On Saturday, pro-Trump rallies around the country were attended by hundreds. Or as Trump put it, “trillions.” – Conan O’Brien

Today, Donald Trump issued a new travel ban that is less restrictive than his first one. This one bans some Muslims and all women who haven’t been able to lose the baby weight. – Conan O’Brien

It’s come out that Trump Administration Press Secretary Sean Spicer was the White House Easter Bunny in the early 2000s. Or as Spicer calls it “back when I had some dignity.” – Conan O’Brien

Jimmy Buffett has announced that he’s opening a Margaritaville retirement community in Florida. You don’t really need to say it was in Florida, though. That was a given. Have you ever been to a Jimmy Buffett concert? It’s already a retirement community. – James Corden

There’s a man up on charges in Austin, Texas, at this hour, for allegedly getting very personal with a fence. The craziest thing about this story: It didn’t happen in Florida. – Jimmy Kimmel

Russian officials said they may ban the new “Beauty and the Beast” movie because of its gay character. Then Vladimir Putin had to excuse himself for a shirtless photo shoot atop a stallion. – Conan O’Brien

The tax deadline is about five weeks away. And this year, because of all the budget cuts at the IRS, the odds of getting audited are lower than they’ve been in 13 years. Last year, only .7 percent were audited, down by 16 percent. This year, it’s expected to be lower than that. In other words, there has never been a better time to claim your Chihuahua as a dependent. – Jimmy Kimmel

Samsung has announced that the release of the new Galaxy 8 will be delayed. A spokesman at Samsung said they’re delaying the release to coincide with Burning Man. – Conan O’Brien

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How to Replace Obamacare




© Ed Stein

I still think Donald Trump could have a big win by replacing Obamacare with single-payer health insurance, but I’d be happy if the GOP would just make a bunch of improvements to the ACA and call it Trumpcare.

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Wrong-Way Trump

Jack Ohman
© Jack Ohman

Last week, Donald Trump claimed that he ordered an American aircraft carrier into the Sea of Japan to act as a deterrent to North Korea. In fact, he told Fox News “We’re sending an armada”.

Naturally, that was a lie. The aircraft carrier in question was actually sailing in the opposite direction.

The lie only came to light when someone in the Navy posted a photo of the carrier sailing south through the Sunda Strait, enroute to Australia, 3,500 miles southwest of Korea.

After that photo surfaced, the carrier was turned around in order to head to Korea.

Nobody in the White House is offering any explanation. It is pretty clear that Trump will just say whatever comes into his head, without the least bit of regard for reality.

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Late Night Political Humor

[Jokes from Mar. 2, 2017]

Attorney General Jeff Sessions is in trouble because he was caught lying under oath about contacting the Russians during the election. When asked if the allegations were true, Sessions said, “Absolutely nyet.” – Conan O’Brien

Attorney General Jeff Sessions recused himself from any investigations into Trump’s ties with Russia. But he still claims he did not lie under oath. Then he said, “I’m not under oath right now, am I?” – Jimmy Fallon

Attorney General Jeff Sessions held a press conference today and recused himself from any Department of Justice investigations into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia. Said Trump, “May I also be recused?” – Seth Meyers

Despite the allegations, President Trump said he has “total confidence” in Jeff Sessions. In other words, Trump’s waiting until the weekend to fire him. – Conan O’Brien

As you’d expect, many people are very upset with Jeff Sessions. But White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer said that when Sessions denied having contact with Russia, he was being “100 percent straight”. Even Mike Pence was like, “C’mon, no one is 100 percent straight.” – Jimmy Fallon

The Senate today confirmed former Texas Gov. Rick Perry to lead the Energy Department. “That poor son of a b—h,” said Rick Perry, before realizing HE was Rick Perry. – Seth Meyers

The Senate today also confirmed Ben Carson as secretary of Housing and Urban Development. The news came as a surprise to Carson, who thought he dreamed it. – Seth Meyers

Apparently, House Republicans are keeping their Obamacare replacement bill hidden in a basement in Congress, and other lawmakers can’t get to it. Then Nicolas Cage was like, “Don’t worry, you guys — I got this! I gotta break through the dome and find the hidden treasure!” – Jimmy Fallon

According to Politico, during a recent White House communications staff meeting, press secretary Sean Spicer made a deputy communications director cry. To be fair, all he said was, “Wanna hang out later?” – Seth Meyers

A new financial app from JP Morgan can now do in seconds what it once took Wall Street financiers 360,000 hours to accomplish. That’s right, the app wrecks the global economy. – Conan O’Brien

Snapchat’s IPO launched on the stock market yesterday. Or, to put it another way, something that your parents don’t understand just launched on something YOU don’t understand. – Jimmy Fallon

The accountants at PriceWaterhouseCoopers who botched the Oscars have received death threats. The FBI tried to investigate, but the accountants handed them the wrong hate mail. – Conan O’Brien

Taco Bell has announced that it is creating a hybrid of its Quesalupas and Doritos Locos Tacos, called the Doritos Quesalupa Crunch. Of course, if you can say that, you’re probably not drunk enough to eat it. – Seth Meyers

One of the biggest viral sensations right now is a YouTube livestream of a pregnant giraffe waiting to give birth. The cutest part is when she tells the father giraffe, “You did this to me, now put down that goddamn camera.” – Conan O’Brien

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The Other Shoo Drops

Last year, CEO Roger Ailes was dismissed from Fox News because of sexual harassment, and the Murdoch family pledged to clean up the network’s culture. Yesterday, they finally got rid of Bill O’Reilly. My only question is, what took them so long (obvious answer, money)?

If you have any doubts about O’Reilly deserving to be shooed out the door, read Rolling Stone’s “A Timeline of Bill O’Reilly’s Vileness“. And yes, Donald Trump said that Bill O’Reilly did nothing wrong.

And who better to send off O’Reilly than Stephen Colbert, with help from his conservative alter ego, “Stephen Colbert”:

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Nepotism

[Satire from Andy Borowitz]

JARED KUSHNER CALLS KIM JONG-UN “TOTALLY UNQUALIFIED PERSON” WHO GOT JOB ONLY THROUGH NEPOTISM

Offering a stunningly blunt appraisal of the North Korean leader, Jared Kushner said on Tuesday that Kim Jong-un was a “totally unqualified person” who attained his position of power only through nepotism.

“Here you have a guy who has no government experience, and he’s in charge of the whole thing,” Kushner said, in an interview with Fox News. “It’s the craziest thing I’ve ever heard of.”

Kushner noted that, instead of working his way up and acquiring the skills necessary to do his job, the North Korean leader had been given huge responsibilities and power “only because of family connections.”

“There’s only one word for that,” he said. “Nepotism.”

Kushner called the notion of such an unqualified person conducting foreign policy “beyond belief.”

“I mean, why would you let someone with no experience in foreign affairs anywhere near such important decisions?” Kushner added. “Why would anyone take someone like that seriously?”

Kushner said that the people of North Korea must look at the powerful position attained by the “totally inexperienced and unqualified” Kim and shake their heads. “They’ve got to be asking themselves, ‘Who elected him?’ ” he said.

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Sinking Feelings

Two new polls from Gallup and Pew Research are bad news not just for Donald Trump, but for Republicans in general.

The number of Americans who say that Trump keeps his promises has plummeted from 62% in February to 45% (a drop of 17 points). “Can bring about changes this country needs” went from 53% to 46%. “Is honest and trustworthy” from 42% to 36%. Gallup measured a total of six characteristics, and his rating went down in all of them. In fact, “Is a strong and decisive leader” is the only characteristic that is above 50% (having dropped 7 points from 59% to 52%).

And that’s the good news. The bad news is that other Republicans even less popular. Since Trump took office the approval rating of the GOP has dropped from 47% to 40%. And the approval rating for the most powerful Republican other than Trump, Speaker Paul Ryan, is a pitiful 29%.

The even worse news for the Republicans was the special congressional election yesterday in Georgia. This is a district that hasn’t elected a Democrat in a long time (Republican Tom Price won it by 23% in the 2016 election before he resigned to become Trump’s Secretary of HHS). But Democrat Jon Ossoff (who has no experience in public office, although he did once have a job as a congressional staffer) won 48.3%, compared to his nearest competitor, Republican Karen Handel (who is a former Georgia Secretary of State) with 19.7%. Despite Donald Trump attacking Ossoff repeatedly on Twitter (using lies).

Unfortunately, in Georgia a candidate has to get more than 50% of the vote in order to avoid a runoff, and the GOP vote was somewhat splintered, so the Republicans have a good chance to retain this seat in the runoff. However, the really bad news for the GOP is that statistically, there are 47 congressional seats held by Republicans that are more Democratic than this district. The Democrats only have to win 24 seats to take back control of the House.

Is this election a wakeup call that Trump has become a boat anchor around the Republican Party’s necks?

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Late Night Political Humor

[Jokes from Mar. 1, 2017]

President Trump gave his big address to Congress last night. But it was surprising — he didn’t trash the media or brag about winning the election. It was the first time people playing a Trump drinking game ended up sober. – Jimmy Fallon

President Trump gave his first speech to a joint session of Congress last night, and good news, everybody, he’s normal now! So our work here is done. When you tune in tomorrow night, this will be a cooking show. – Seth Meyers

Trump’s speech is actually getting pretty good reviews. In fact, a CNN poll found that 69 percent of viewers approved of Trump’s speech. Yeah, 69. Trump called the number impressive, while Mike Pence called it inappropriate. – Jimmy Fallon

Antarctica reported its highest temperature in history at 64 degrees, and there was a blizzard warning in Hawaii. And to top it off, last night, Donald Trump gave a speech and sounded reasonable. – Conan O’Brien

But not everyone was impressed. In fact, many Democrats actually rushed out at the end of Trump’s address. Most were annoyed by Trump’s speech, while Bernie Sanders said, “Drinking a Big Gulp right before was NOT a good idea.” – Jimmy Fallon

President Trump last night announced the creation of a department called “VOICE”, which will deal specifically with crimes committed against Americans by immigrants. Not to be confused with “The Voice”, which deals with crimes against music committed by teenagers. – Seth Meyers

Disney announced that it’s featuring its first openly gay character in the upcoming live-action film “Beauty and the Beast”. Which explains why they’re changing the title of the movie to “Beauty and Her Longtime Roommate Janine.” – Conan O’Brien

Chocolate maker Hershey is reportedly expecting to cut its global workforce by about 15 percent. That’s right, for the first time ever, chocolate is giving up people for Lent. – Seth Meyers

A man in Austria yesterday tried to enter a court with a bag of cockroaches. “Get those horrible creatures out of here!” said the cockroaches about the lawyers. – Seth Meyers

In California, an experimental self-driving Uber car drove through six red lights. In other words, it just passed its Los Angeles driving test. – Conan O’Brien

Papa John’s is testing a new system that lets customers pay $3 to skip the line and get faster pizza delivery. And for $6, Peyton Manning will throw the pizza at you from a speeding car. – Jimmy Fallon

In the U.K., a group of scientists successfully taught bumblebees how to play soccer. And now, they’re trying to get American bumblebees to watch it. – Conan O’Brien

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Safety First!


© Lee Judge

Donald Trump just can’t stay away from Twitter. On April 15th in honor of tax day, protests were held all across the US (and in several other countries) to encourage Trump to release his tax returns.

Once upon a time, Trump promised he would release his tax returns once he was elected, but he broke that promise and declared that nobody (other than the media, who are the enemy) cares about his tax returns. But 74% of Americans say he should release his returns.

Hence the protests. But Trump is in heavy denial, so he took to twitter and claimed “Someone should look into who paid for the small organized rallies yesterday. The election is over!”

Yeah, right. Someone organized and funded tens of thousands of fake protesters all across the nation, and somehow managed to keep it all secret. Of course.

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Unhappy Easter Bunny

The White House Easter bunny apologizes for “passing over” the Jews.

Ironically, ten years ago Sean Spicer actually did dress up as the Easter bunny at the White House, with George W and Laura Bush. At the time, Spicer was working in the office of the US Trade Representative.

UPDATE: Notice how uncomfortable Spicer is during this short interview at the Easter Egg Roll, when he is asked how he feels about the SNL skits where Melissa McCarthy lampoons him.

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Late Night Political Humor

[Jokes from Feb. 28, 2017]

Tonight, President Trump is giving a prime-time speech before Congress. The speech will be on a 10-second delay so Trump can live-tweet about how great his speech is going. – Conan O’Brien

President Trump gave his first address to a joint session of Congress tonight. Now, our show tapes early, so we don’t know what happened, but I’ll bet the people who were there aren’t that sure what happened either. – Seth Meyers

Tonight President Trump gave his big speech to Congress. I saw that beforehand, Democrats came out with a “prebuttal” to counter some of Trump’s talking points. They say that they know what Trump’s going say before he says it — or as Trump put it, “Must be nice. I just open my mouth, and the best words come out.” – Jimmy Fallon

One of the big issues that was expected to come up was immigration. Former Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad recently wrote a 3,500-word letter to Trump criticizing his immigration policy. When asked if he read the letter, Trump said, “I haven’t even read my immigration policy!” – Jimmy Fallon

During his interview on “Fox & Friends,” President Trump was unable to name a time when he felt he deserved criticism. Which is pretty surprising, since criticism is the only thing in his life he’s actually earned. – Seth Meyers

Trump’s new Commerce Secretary is the vice-chairman of a bank that’s owned by Vladimir Putin. You can tell the bank is owned by Putin, ’cuz both the pens AND the tellers are chained to the desk. – Jimmy Fallon

It seems like Trump’s been breaking with a lot of traditions since he took office. There’s speculation that President Trump could cancel the annual White House Easter Egg Roll. Then he said, “Actually, I’m canceling ALL egg rolls, just to get back at China.” – Jimmy Fallon

It’s come out that 83-year-old Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s daily workout routine includes pushups, planks, and squats. Apparently she began seriously taking care of her health last November 9th. – Conan O’Brien

A 100-year-old Dutch woman recently persuaded local police to arrest her to fulfill an item on her bucket list. Cool story for her, not so much for the victims of her double homicide. – Seth Meyers

Sunday night was the first time that Amazon took home Oscars, winning two for “Manchester by the Sea.” Although the CEO said, “With Amazon Prime, we could have gotten those Oscars last Tuesday.” – Conan O’Brien

According to a new study, cats may have more potential than dogs to sniff out bombs. They just won’t bother to tell you. – Seth Meyers

Scientists have found a way to grow human tissue on apples. Now the only thing left for them to discover is a REASON to grow human tissue on apples. – Conan O’Brien

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As Real as Trump


© David Horsey

Hey, why not just claim victory and move on? After all, most people didn’t believe Donald Trump when he (over and over and over again) claimed that he would build a wall and Mexico would pay for it. And if someone was stupid enough to believe that, then they would probably believe this too.

Trump could even declare victory — claiming that he has reduced illegal immigration to its lowest level in at least 17 years, which is true except for the part about him doing it (it was really Obama, but we shouldn’t mention that!).

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Late Night Political Humor

[Jokes from Feb. 27, 2017]

I thought Jimmy Kimmel did a great job hosting the Oscars — congrats to Jimmy, he’s always good. But did you see what happened at the end? Yeah, the producers of “La La Land” went up on stage after the movie was named Best Picture — then it was announced that they actually lost to “Moonlight”. And today, they joined a support group with the Atlanta Falcons and Hillary Clinton. – Jimmy Fallon

The Oscars went very well. We were chugging along. Then all of a sudden out of nowhere, it turned into one of those Maury Povich paternity test shows. – Jimmy Kimmel

As I’m sure you know, “La La Land” was announced the winner of Best Picture, before it was revealed that there was a mix-up with the envelopes, and “Moonlight” was the actual winner. When this happened I bet Hillary Clinton was like, “Yeah, welcome to my world.” – James Corden

“Moonlight” won the Oscar for Best Picture last night after the award was mistakenly presented to “La La Land” due to an envelope mix-up. Yet another embarrassing defeat for perennial loser Ryan Gosling. – Seth Meyers

It was the weirdest TV finale since “Lost”. As I’m sure you’ve heard, “La La Land” was simultaneously somehow the biggest winner and loser last night. You know it’s a strange night when the word “envelope” is trending on Twitter. – Jimmy Kimmel

Warren Beatty and Faye Dunaway were the presenters that announced the wrong film. Basically they were the Sean Spicers of the Oscars. – James Corden

On the 50th anniversary of “Bonnie and Clyde,” the academy asked Warren Beatty and Faye Dunaway to present Best Picture. So Warren and Faye come out with the envelope. In retrospect, what we know is Warren was confused, so he handed it to Faye and let her read it. In other words, Clyde threw Bonnie under the bus. – Jimmy Kimmel

During the “In Memoriam” segment they accidentally showed the picture of a woman who is still alive, an Australian producer named Jan Chapman. Which in a way is a much bigger story than “La La Land”. Sure, it’s bad to think you have won Best Picture when you didn’t. But how about being told you’re dead when you’re not? – James Corden

This would send me into a deep existential funk. I would be like, “Wait, I’m not dead. But am I truly living?” – James Corden

Last night, Mahershala Ali became the first Muslim actor to win an Oscar. Or as the Trump White House reported it, “Muslim Wields Heavy Blunt Object.” – Jimmy Fallon

On Friday, CNN, The New York Times, and BuzzFeed were blocked from participating in a media briefing with White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer. CNN called it “unacceptable”, the Times called it “outrageous”, and BuzzFeed called it “one of the top seven things Trump did today that will blow your mind.” – Jimmy Fallon

Over the weekend, Vice President Mike Pence tweeted his support for Israel, but accidentally used an emoji of the Nicaraguan flag instead of the Israeli flag. The White House says there’s a perfectly good reason why he did it: Nobody knows what they’re doing. – Jimmy Fallon

President Trump said today that he is going to “save people” from Obamacare. Kinda like how that iceberg “rescued” the Titanic from having to go to New York. – Seth Meyers

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Wag the Dog?

People are noticing that every time a new connection between Donald Trump and Russia is exposed (which seems to happen almost every day) a country in Asia gets bombed.

The latest revelations are that Paul Manafort (Trump’s former campaign manager) has retroactively registered as a foreign agent, Trump advisor Carter Page was talking to Russia so often that the FBI obtained a FISA warrant to monitor his communications, and The Guardian is reporting that there is now “specific concrete and corroborative evidence of collusion” between the Trump campaign and Russia.

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