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Weaponizing Nonsense

© Tom Tomorrow

Ironically, this comic is an example of the very thing it is making fun of. According to Tom Tomorrow:

This cartoon was initially inspired by Trump’s “Obama tapped my wires” tweets, and the laughably supportive GOP response. It was supposed to run a couple weeks ago, but I ended up bumping it for a last-minute cartoon on the Syria missile strike. Bannon had just been kicked off the NSC at that point; I wasn’t entirely sure he’d still be in the White House by the time this one finally ran. It’s not easy staying ahead of the news these days.

So, before he could make fun of one thing Trump tweeted, something else happened, then something else, and so on. Who can keep up?

There’s a really good opinion piece in The Guardian titled “100 days of gibberish – Trump has weaponised nonsense“. I recommend you go read it, but here’s a short excerpt:

Trump lies relentlessly about his achievements (claiming, for example, that he’s “mostly there” on his 100-day plan, despite appearing not to know what it is), admits he “never realised” how big a job it is to be president, forgets how many missiles he fired at Syria, even though he got the number right only 17 words earlier, and compares his TV ratings favourably to those for 9/11.

But one of the funniest parts is when it talks about a conversation Trump had with congressman Elijah Cummings (D-MD). Trump recalls the his talk with Cummings:

Well he said, you’ll be the greatest president in the history of, but you know what, I’ll take that also, but that you could be. But he said, will be the greatest president but I would also accept the other. In other words, if you do your job, but I accept that. Then I watched him interviewed and it was like he never even was here. It’s incredible. I watched him interviewed a week later and it’s like he was never in my office. And you can even say that.

Can you even understand what Trump is saying? Even worse:

Cummings remembers the exchange differently, explaining that he told Trump he “could be” a great president if he stopped doing literally everything that he was doing and started doing other stuff that wasn’t horrible instead.

Even when Trump can’t form a complete, coherent sentence, he still manages to lie.

But there is an even scarier explanation. Vanity Fair recently published “Is Trump’s Chaos Tornado a Move From the Kremlin’s Playbook?” The whole article is worth a read, but the short version is that the constant lies (and doubling down on lies), shifting positions, and apparent hypocrisies creates a “permanent state of disorder: a de-stabilized media, an exasperated citizenry, and a fractured opposition, divided and pulled into mudslinging sideshows.” Sound familiar?

Indeed, Trump’s barrage of tweets that lie and contradict makes it impossible for the press to conduct any “vigilant analysis or coherent investigation into his administration” and its conflicts of interest, nepotism, racism, or even treason. Instead, it provides a subliminal message that provokes an emotional response so confusing and annoying that people just tune out:

This shape-shifting propaganda makes just enough of a lasting impression to leave people feeling distrustful and victimized. But before any one line of thinking can be pursued for too long, the narrative jumps to something else. People are left distracted and angry, but unsure of why or at whom.

After all, if facts don’t exist because people no longer care enough to distinguish reality from lies, then nobody can hold Trump accountable. For example, it becomes acceptable to not show your taxes. And this toxic cynicism promotes the idea that all politicians (and political parties) are equally corrupt, so there is no incentive to even vote.

By clogging the news with mini-scandals, bald-faced lies, and provocative tweets, the White House sends journalists and media outlets into haphazard frenzy. President Trump’s lies alone have become their own beat, forcing publications to devote precious resources to invalidating the many outrageous claims he makes daily, sometimes within a single interview. White House press secretary Sean Spicer’s early press conferences suggest that he too will serve as media antagonist, baiting reporters with arrogant fallacies and extending the Trump regime’s brand of bullying truth and democratic values into wary submission.

Facts are replaced by “alternative facts”. Trump continues to insist that millions of people voted illegally in the presidential election. The rule of law is replaced by the rule of the jungle as people become so angry and frightened that even a dictatorship starts to sound preferable to what we have.

The end result? Our constitution and our democracy are lost.


Late Night Political Humor

[Jokes from Mar. 8, 2017]

Today’s the day when we celebrate women, a lot of women going on strike today, and they’re calling it “A Day Without Women.” Or as it is known in the Trump White House, a day. – James Corden

For President Trump, every day is a day without a woman because his wife still lives in New York. At the White House, you know, a day without a woman is also called a Cabinet meeting. – Jimmy Kimmel

President Trump wrote some beautiful things about women today. He tweeted, “I have tremendous respect for women and the many roles they serve. They are vital to the fabric of our society and our economy.” He didn’t write that. But that’s nice. No way he wrote that. I don’t know if Ivanka had his phone today or what. – Jimmy Kimmel

Today for International Women’s Day, women across the country protested by refusing to work. That’s a true story. That’s what happened today. In fact, earlier today Siri told me, “Look it up yourself, [bleep].” And then slapped me. – Conan O’Brien

I’ll admit I’m not exactly clear on what “A Day Without a Woman” is supposed to mean, exactly. Women make up half the population, of course a day without them is going to be a mess. It seems like that goes without saying, right? Does anyone — hold on a second. Let me find out here. [takes out iPhone] Siri, what is “A Day Without a Woman?” [Siri audio:] “I’m sorry, I don’t work for you today. Go [bleep] yourself.” – Jimmy Kimmel

I want to take a moment to recognize and acknowledge International Women’s Day, which was marked today with a march on Washington, D.C., and a nationwide protest that was titled “A Day Without a Woman”. The idea was to show the world what it would be like without women. I’ll tell you something, I have some experience in this area. I went years without a woman. It was terrible, I don’t recommend it. – Jimmy Kimmel

Last night in New York City, the Statue of Liberty went dark for an hour due to an unplanned power outage. So it looks like New York got a head start on their “Day Without Women.” Of course, when Trump heard there was a dark woman from France outside New York City, he immediately tried to have her deported. – James Corden

When asked for an official statement, the statue just said that she wanted some me time. – James Corden

In honor of International Women’s Day, Snapchat added famous women to their selfie lenses. Snapchat called it the perfect way to honor the enduring contributions of women for 10 seconds. – Conan O’Brien

According to a recent poll, first lady Melania Trump’s approval rating has increased to 52 percent since President Trump’s inauguration. And her “feel sorry for her rating” is over 90 percent. – Conan O’Brien

At the White House yesterday, President Trump popped out from behind a screen and surprised a group of children. It was officially the least frightening thing Trump has done since he took office. – Conan O’Brien

Another big story today is that WikiLeaks has published thousands of CIA documents detailing the agency’s secret hacking capabilities. The CIA is furious. They say armed with this information, anyone could hack the U.S. Now I’m not too worried about this. I mean what’s the worst thing that could happen? Russians hack the election and make a reality TV star the president, I mean — come on. – James Corden

The leak described a project called Weeping Angel that allows spy agencies to turn smart TVs into listening devices. I love the name Weeping Angels, don’t you? Sounds like an ’80s metal hair band. Good evening, Cleveland, we are Weeping Angels! – James Corden

But this is serious, guys. Any smart TV could be a listening device. You guys, you realize they could be recording us right now. I don’t want this getting out there where the public can see it. That’s why I make a TV show at 12:37 a.m. – James Corden

A group of Republicans revealed their plan to repeal and replace Obamacare. Pete Sessions has a healthcare plan of his own. I do know a catchy title when I see one. He calls it — this is 100 percent real — he calls it the world’s greatest healthcare plan of 2017. You can’t vote no on the world’s greatest healthcare plan of 2017. You’d have to be an idiot. This guy is smart. – Jimmy Kimmel

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to Day 3 of “Healthcare Plan 2: Repeal and Revenge — This Time It’s Republican.” It took the GOP forever to release this thing. They’re the George R.R. Martins of health care. And just like in “Game of Thrones,” a lot of your favorite characters are going to die without warning. – Stephen Colbert

You want to get Donald Trump’s attention? Just say something is the best. His hotel, the greatest. The hotels are the greatest, the vodka was the greatest, steaks of the best. If he finds out this healthcare plan is the greatest, he might even, I don’t know, marry it or something. – Jimmy Kimmel

A new study reveals Americans are getting fatter and giving up on their diets. The study was conducted by going to a water park for five minutes. – Conan O’Brien

Researchers have developed a new smart tattoo that can monitor your health. There’s also a smart tramp stamp that will tell you you have chlamydia. – Conan O’Brien

Trump’s No. 1 concern right now is securing our borders, and we finally know how he’s going to pay for it, because according to the Office of Management and Budget, Trump plans “deep cuts in airport and rail security.” That is shocking — there’s such a thing as rail security? If so, they should investigate Amtrak bathrooms. Those things look like a crime scene. – Stephen Colbert

But when it comes to cutbacks, “the Coast Guard would bear the brunt, seeing its budget cut by $1.3 billion.” The Coast Guard? Who does Trump think protects the waters around Mar-a-Lago, laser-sighted manatees? – Stephen Colbert

Trump’s paying for his immigration program by cutting funds to the Coast Guard, airport and rail security. Great. So, we’re fine as long as nobody tries to get into America by sea, air, or land. – Stephen Colbert

Yesterday the New York Times revealed Trump had a meeting in the Oval Office last week with Harvey Levin from TMZ. The owner and public face of the news organization best known for screaming questions at drunk celebrities on the sidewalk met with the president of the United States for an hour last week. What could those two possibly need to talk about for an hour? Is there a terrorist plot against Taylor Swift we need to know about? Is ISIS after Louis from One Direction? – Jimmy Kimmel


Signs of the Times

Here are a few photos from the March for Science protests over the weekend. Good signs!


Late Night Political Humor

[Jokes from Mar. 7, 2017]

Yesterday, House Republicans unveiled their new healthcare plan intended to replace Obamacare. Oh yeah, it’s brilliant. The previous healthcare plan was nicknamed “Obamacare,” and if this new plan doesn’t work, it will be nicknamed “Obama’s Fault”. – James Corden

House Republicans have unveiled their much-anticipated new healthcare plan that’s supposed to replace Obamacare. Here’s what we know about it so far: The new plan stresses personal responsibility. For too long Americans have relied on other people, like doctors and nurses, for their healthcare. – Jimmy Kimmel

This is already making a little bit of controversy. Jason Chaffetz says poor people need to choose between healthcare or a new iPhone. And just like a Samsung Galaxy 7, that comment blew up in his face. – James Corden

Did I hear him correctly? Is he saying health insurance costs the same as a phone? Hey Jason, a phone isn’t supposed to literally cost you an arm and a leg. His comment was cold. Even Siri was like, “Are you not a human being?” – James Corden

But the real problem is he’s talking to the American people like he’s talking to his own kids. “Well, maybe if you mowed lawns over the summer like I told you, you could afford that new kidney that you wanted.” – James Corden

This week, Wisconsin is hosting the U.S. Cheese Championship. Once again, the winner is expected to be “Heart Disease”. – Conan O’Brien

At the White House today, President Trump gave advice to a group of schoolchildren and he told them to “work hard”. Trump also told them, “If your dad offers you a million dollars, say yes.” – Conan O’Brien

Today, President Trump welcomed the first group of new visitors to the White House since he became president. It was a little awkward, because one of them was Melania. – Conan O’Brien

Let’s talk now about the issue that’s really tearing America apart: Donald Trump’s tie. Yesterday new photos surfaced that show Donald Trump holds his tie together with Scotch tape. Is that what he meant when he said Obama was taping him? – James Corden

Sean Spicer announced that the prime minister of Iraq will visit the White House in two weeks. Actually he arrived today, but he’s going to be detained for two weeks at the airport. – Conan O’Brien

I hate to bring anybody down but I have a little pin to put in our collective balloon. U.S. News and World Report released their annual ranking of the best countries in the world, and the United States — you know how we always say we’re No. 1? Turns out we’re not No. 1. That honor goes to Switzerland. Switzerland was named the best country in the world, based on several factors including power, quality of life, economic influence, and tiny little army knife production. – Jimmy Kimmel

The U.S. dropped from fourth to seventh. Canada is No. 2. Which I think means we’re going to have to build a wall up there too, I’m sorry. – Jimmy Kimmel

Sweden came in sixth. One ahead of us, Sweden — which, come on. There’s no way we rank below a country where you have to assemble your own furniture. I just don’t buy it. – Jimmy Kimmel

Tomorrow, there’s a protest across the country known as “A Day Without Women”. In fairness, I celebrated “A Day Without Women” all through my 20s. – Conan O’Brien


The Noise Machine

© Ruben Bolling

I don’t know if it is intentional or just a byproduct of his need for constant attention, but Donald Trump has been extremely successful at manipulating the 24 hour news cycle. Not only dominating the day’s conversation, but making us forget about everything from yesterday and before. Most frighteningly, hiding (with the constant noise) some of the worst things he is doing.


100 Days?

Three weeks before the election, Donald Trump gave a speech at Gettysburg promising a “100 day contract” with America. Here’s what that “contract” promised, put into a flashy graphic that Trump posted to Twitter:

The tweet from Trump also said “My contract with the American voter will restore honesty, accountability & CHANGE to Washington! #DrainTheSwamp”.

His 100 days is almost up, and Trump has accomplished exactly zero of these contract items. Nor has he drained the swamp or restored honesty, accountability, or change.

And so naturally, Trump has now tweeted that the standard of the first 100 days is “ridiculous” and blamed it on the media. Even though it was Trump himself who made a big deal about the first hundred days.


Late Night Political Humor

[Jokes from Mar. 6, 2017]

Trump went on Twitter early Saturday morning and launched off several posts accusing Barack Obama of wiretapping Trump Tower during the election. Right now we are this close to Trump putting tinfoil on his head during a speech and shouting, “Try reading my thoughts now, Obama!” – James Corden

This weekend, President Trump tweeted that President Obama tapped his phones at Trump Tower. Trump said it was particularly upsetting because he’s a private man who likes to keep his thoughts to himself. – Conan O’Brien

Saturday morning while he was in Florida, out of nowhere, Trump tweeted: “Terrible! Just found out that Obama had my wires tapped in Trump Tower just before the victory. Nothing found. This is McCarthyism!” Just like that, the White House had to reset their sign [The President Has Worked __Days Without a Twitter Freakout] back to zero. So sad. They’d gotten up to, like, five days. It was a new record. – Stephen Colbert

In another tweet Trump wrote, “How low has President Obama gone to ‘tapp’ my phones during the very sacred election process. This is Nixon/Watergate, bad or sick guy.” These are damning allegations, so of course the nation immediately responded by saying “Hey dip [bleep], you spelled ‘tap’ wrong.” – James Corden

Next, he tweeted: “How low has President Obama gone to ‘tapp’ my phones during the very sacred election process. This is Nixon/Watergate.” Wait, you said this was McCarthyism. Now it’s Nixon-Watergate? Pick your historical analogy! “This is the Pearl Harbor of Hindenburg/Great Depression D-Days/finale of ‘Lost.’” – Stephen Colbert

Apparently Trump believes this because he read about it in Breitbart News. He just read about it and believed it. I’m like, “Quick, someone write a fake news story about Trump resigning.” – James Corden

Last week — I don’t know if you were paying attention — but Donald Trump seemed pretty steady. He gave a big-boy speech in front of Congress, long pants and everything. I was afraid he’d sold the timeshare in Crazytown. Well, he’s baaack! – Stephen Colbert

It was another wild weekend for President Trump, who tweeted up a world of trouble Saturday morning at Mar-a-Lago. A lot of people are saying they need to take his phone away. I think maybe at this point they should consider taking his thumbs away. Put them in a box, give them back to him in four years. – Jimmy Kimmel

On Saturday, pro-Trump rallies around the country were attended by hundreds. Or as Trump put it, “trillions.” – Conan O’Brien

Today, Donald Trump issued a new travel ban that is less restrictive than his first one. This one bans some Muslims and all women who haven’t been able to lose the baby weight. – Conan O’Brien

It’s come out that Trump Administration Press Secretary Sean Spicer was the White House Easter Bunny in the early 2000s. Or as Spicer calls it “back when I had some dignity.” – Conan O’Brien

Jimmy Buffett has announced that he’s opening a Margaritaville retirement community in Florida. You don’t really need to say it was in Florida, though. That was a given. Have you ever been to a Jimmy Buffett concert? It’s already a retirement community. – James Corden

There’s a man up on charges in Austin, Texas, at this hour, for allegedly getting very personal with a fence. The craziest thing about this story: It didn’t happen in Florida. – Jimmy Kimmel

Russian officials said they may ban the new “Beauty and the Beast” movie because of its gay character. Then Vladimir Putin had to excuse himself for a shirtless photo shoot atop a stallion. – Conan O’Brien

The tax deadline is about five weeks away. And this year, because of all the budget cuts at the IRS, the odds of getting audited are lower than they’ve been in 13 years. Last year, only .7 percent were audited, down by 16 percent. This year, it’s expected to be lower than that. In other words, there has never been a better time to claim your Chihuahua as a dependent. – Jimmy Kimmel

Samsung has announced that the release of the new Galaxy 8 will be delayed. A spokesman at Samsung said they’re delaying the release to coincide with Burning Man. – Conan O’Brien


How to Replace Obamacare

© Ed Stein

I still think Donald Trump could have a big win by replacing Obamacare with single-payer health insurance, but I’d be happy if the GOP would just make a bunch of improvements to the ACA and call it Trumpcare.


Wrong-Way Trump

Jack Ohman
© Jack Ohman

Last week, Donald Trump claimed that he ordered an American aircraft carrier into the Sea of Japan to act as a deterrent to North Korea. In fact, he told Fox News “We’re sending an armada”.

Naturally, that was a lie. The aircraft carrier in question was actually sailing in the opposite direction.

The lie only came to light when someone in the Navy posted a photo of the carrier sailing south through the Sunda Strait, enroute to Australia, 3,500 miles southwest of Korea.

After that photo surfaced, the carrier was turned around in order to head to Korea.

Nobody in the White House is offering any explanation. It is pretty clear that Trump will just say whatever comes into his head, without the least bit of regard for reality.


Late Night Political Humor

[Jokes from Mar. 2, 2017]

Attorney General Jeff Sessions is in trouble because he was caught lying under oath about contacting the Russians during the election. When asked if the allegations were true, Sessions said, “Absolutely nyet.” – Conan O’Brien

Attorney General Jeff Sessions recused himself from any investigations into Trump’s ties with Russia. But he still claims he did not lie under oath. Then he said, “I’m not under oath right now, am I?” – Jimmy Fallon

Attorney General Jeff Sessions held a press conference today and recused himself from any Department of Justice investigations into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia. Said Trump, “May I also be recused?” – Seth Meyers

Despite the allegations, President Trump said he has “total confidence” in Jeff Sessions. In other words, Trump’s waiting until the weekend to fire him. – Conan O’Brien

As you’d expect, many people are very upset with Jeff Sessions. But White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer said that when Sessions denied having contact with Russia, he was being “100 percent straight”. Even Mike Pence was like, “C’mon, no one is 100 percent straight.” – Jimmy Fallon

The Senate today confirmed former Texas Gov. Rick Perry to lead the Energy Department. “That poor son of a b—h,” said Rick Perry, before realizing HE was Rick Perry. – Seth Meyers

The Senate today also confirmed Ben Carson as secretary of Housing and Urban Development. The news came as a surprise to Carson, who thought he dreamed it. – Seth Meyers

Apparently, House Republicans are keeping their Obamacare replacement bill hidden in a basement in Congress, and other lawmakers can’t get to it. Then Nicolas Cage was like, “Don’t worry, you guys — I got this! I gotta break through the dome and find the hidden treasure!” – Jimmy Fallon

According to Politico, during a recent White House communications staff meeting, press secretary Sean Spicer made a deputy communications director cry. To be fair, all he said was, “Wanna hang out later?” – Seth Meyers

A new financial app from JP Morgan can now do in seconds what it once took Wall Street financiers 360,000 hours to accomplish. That’s right, the app wrecks the global economy. – Conan O’Brien

Snapchat’s IPO launched on the stock market yesterday. Or, to put it another way, something that your parents don’t understand just launched on something YOU don’t understand. – Jimmy Fallon

The accountants at PriceWaterhouseCoopers who botched the Oscars have received death threats. The FBI tried to investigate, but the accountants handed them the wrong hate mail. – Conan O’Brien

Taco Bell has announced that it is creating a hybrid of its Quesalupas and Doritos Locos Tacos, called the Doritos Quesalupa Crunch. Of course, if you can say that, you’re probably not drunk enough to eat it. – Seth Meyers

One of the biggest viral sensations right now is a YouTube livestream of a pregnant giraffe waiting to give birth. The cutest part is when she tells the father giraffe, “You did this to me, now put down that goddamn camera.” – Conan O’Brien


The Other Shoo Drops

Last year, CEO Roger Ailes was dismissed from Fox News because of sexual harassment, and the Murdoch family pledged to clean up the network’s culture. Yesterday, they finally got rid of Bill O’Reilly. My only question is, what took them so long (obvious answer, money)?

If you have any doubts about O’Reilly deserving to be shooed out the door, read Rolling Stone’s “A Timeline of Bill O’Reilly’s Vileness“. And yes, Donald Trump said that Bill O’Reilly did nothing wrong.

And who better to send off O’Reilly than Stephen Colbert, with help from his conservative alter ego, “Stephen Colbert”:



[Satire from Andy Borowitz]


Offering a stunningly blunt appraisal of the North Korean leader, Jared Kushner said on Tuesday that Kim Jong-un was a “totally unqualified person” who attained his position of power only through nepotism.

“Here you have a guy who has no government experience, and he’s in charge of the whole thing,” Kushner said, in an interview with Fox News. “It’s the craziest thing I’ve ever heard of.”

Kushner noted that, instead of working his way up and acquiring the skills necessary to do his job, the North Korean leader had been given huge responsibilities and power “only because of family connections.”

“There’s only one word for that,” he said. “Nepotism.”

Kushner called the notion of such an unqualified person conducting foreign policy “beyond belief.”

“I mean, why would you let someone with no experience in foreign affairs anywhere near such important decisions?” Kushner added. “Why would anyone take someone like that seriously?”

Kushner said that the people of North Korea must look at the powerful position attained by the “totally inexperienced and unqualified” Kim and shake their heads. “They’ve got to be asking themselves, ‘Who elected him?’ ” he said.


Sinking Feelings

Two new polls from Gallup and Pew Research are bad news not just for Donald Trump, but for Republicans in general.

The number of Americans who say that Trump keeps his promises has plummeted from 62% in February to 45% (a drop of 17 points). “Can bring about changes this country needs” went from 53% to 46%. “Is honest and trustworthy” from 42% to 36%. Gallup measured a total of six characteristics, and his rating went down in all of them. In fact, “Is a strong and decisive leader” is the only characteristic that is above 50% (having dropped 7 points from 59% to 52%).

And that’s the good news. The bad news is that other Republicans even less popular. Since Trump took office the approval rating of the GOP has dropped from 47% to 40%. And the approval rating for the most powerful Republican other than Trump, Speaker Paul Ryan, is a pitiful 29%.

The even worse news for the Republicans was the special congressional election yesterday in Georgia. This is a district that hasn’t elected a Democrat in a long time (Republican Tom Price won it by 23% in the 2016 election before he resigned to become Trump’s Secretary of HHS). But Democrat Jon Ossoff (who has no experience in public office, although he did once have a job as a congressional staffer) won 48.3%, compared to his nearest competitor, Republican Karen Handel (who is a former Georgia Secretary of State) with 19.7%. Despite Donald Trump attacking Ossoff repeatedly on Twitter (using lies).

Unfortunately, in Georgia a candidate has to get more than 50% of the vote in order to avoid a runoff, and the GOP vote was somewhat splintered, so the Republicans have a good chance to retain this seat in the runoff. However, the really bad news for the GOP is that statistically, there are 47 congressional seats held by Republicans that are more Democratic than this district. The Democrats only have to win 24 seats to take back control of the House.

Is this election a wakeup call that Trump has become a boat anchor around the Republican Party’s necks?


Late Night Political Humor

[Jokes from Mar. 1, 2017]

President Trump gave his big address to Congress last night. But it was surprising — he didn’t trash the media or brag about winning the election. It was the first time people playing a Trump drinking game ended up sober. – Jimmy Fallon

President Trump gave his first speech to a joint session of Congress last night, and good news, everybody, he’s normal now! So our work here is done. When you tune in tomorrow night, this will be a cooking show. – Seth Meyers

Trump’s speech is actually getting pretty good reviews. In fact, a CNN poll found that 69 percent of viewers approved of Trump’s speech. Yeah, 69. Trump called the number impressive, while Mike Pence called it inappropriate. – Jimmy Fallon

Antarctica reported its highest temperature in history at 64 degrees, and there was a blizzard warning in Hawaii. And to top it off, last night, Donald Trump gave a speech and sounded reasonable. – Conan O’Brien

But not everyone was impressed. In fact, many Democrats actually rushed out at the end of Trump’s address. Most were annoyed by Trump’s speech, while Bernie Sanders said, “Drinking a Big Gulp right before was NOT a good idea.” – Jimmy Fallon

President Trump last night announced the creation of a department called “VOICE”, which will deal specifically with crimes committed against Americans by immigrants. Not to be confused with “The Voice”, which deals with crimes against music committed by teenagers. – Seth Meyers

Disney announced that it’s featuring its first openly gay character in the upcoming live-action film “Beauty and the Beast”. Which explains why they’re changing the title of the movie to “Beauty and Her Longtime Roommate Janine.” – Conan O’Brien

Chocolate maker Hershey is reportedly expecting to cut its global workforce by about 15 percent. That’s right, for the first time ever, chocolate is giving up people for Lent. – Seth Meyers

A man in Austria yesterday tried to enter a court with a bag of cockroaches. “Get those horrible creatures out of here!” said the cockroaches about the lawyers. – Seth Meyers

In California, an experimental self-driving Uber car drove through six red lights. In other words, it just passed its Los Angeles driving test. – Conan O’Brien

Papa John’s is testing a new system that lets customers pay $3 to skip the line and get faster pizza delivery. And for $6, Peyton Manning will throw the pizza at you from a speeding car. – Jimmy Fallon

In the U.K., a group of scientists successfully taught bumblebees how to play soccer. And now, they’re trying to get American bumblebees to watch it. – Conan O’Brien


Safety First!

© Lee Judge

Donald Trump just can’t stay away from Twitter. On April 15th in honor of tax day, protests were held all across the US (and in several other countries) to encourage Trump to release his tax returns.

Once upon a time, Trump promised he would release his tax returns once he was elected, but he broke that promise and declared that nobody (other than the media, who are the enemy) cares about his tax returns. But 74% of Americans say he should release his returns.

Hence the protests. But Trump is in heavy denial, so he took to twitter and claimed “Someone should look into who paid for the small organized rallies yesterday. The election is over!”

Yeah, right. Someone organized and funded tens of thousands of fake protesters all across the nation, and somehow managed to keep it all secret. Of course.