Skip to content

Give Us a Sign!

Share

Sexism at Google?

The Economist just wrote a wonderful “detailed, ringing rebuttal” to the former Google employee who circulated a sexist message internally, but which leaked out and caused a big kerfuffle (and got him fired).

Even if you are tired of that story, this is definitely worth a read. It is both serious, while also dripping with delicious sarcasm.

Share

Late Night Political Humor

[Jokes from Aug 15, 2017]

In an impromptu press conference, President Trump said, “The hate and the division must stop.” For a minute, the crowd got excited, because they thought Trump was resigning. – Conan O’Brien

President Donald Trump was supposed to hold a press conference about infrastructure, and it ended with our president making an angry and passionate defense of white supremacists. I don’t know who decided it would be a good idea to send him out there to talk to reporters today. But whoever did obviously misread his state of mind and the mood in this country right now. – Jimmy Kimmel

Remember yesterday, when Donald Trump came out very clearly against the white supremacists that marched in Charlottesville, Virginia? And we were like, it took too long for him to say it, but at least he said it. Finally got it out. Well, today you’ll be pleased to know he totally reversed his statement and said there’s blame on “both sides”. – James Corden

Blame on both sides. I agree with him, there was blame on both the white supremacist side and on the Nazi side. – James Corden

In his press conference, President Trump referred to the neo-Nazis as “history buffs”. Then he referred to serial killers as “population control experts”. – Conan O’Brien

If you don’t think Trump’s statements are racist, you should at least know that racists are happy he made them. Immediately following Trump’s speech, former KKK leader David Duke thanked Trump for his “honesty and courage”. Well, there’s a thank-you note you don’t hang on your refrigerator. – James Corden

David Duke was so grateful he even sent Trump one of those “hate-able arrangements.” – James Corden

In the press conference, President Trump said that Steve Bannon was a good friend and not a racist. Then he said, “Oops, I meant to say, ‘a good racist, and not a friend.'” – Conan O’Brien

Now, today, this wasn’t even supposed to be about Charlottesville. Apparently, Trump went off script and improvised all of these remarks during a press conference about infrastructure, which is terrible because I’m pretty sure the first rule of infrastructure is whatever you do, don’t burn bridges. – James Corden

I feel like I can say this with reasonable certainty: The president is completely unhinged. The wheels are off the wagon and hurtling toward the moon right now. – Jimmy Kimmel

Trump’s the guy that walks out of “Star Wars” thinking they didn’t have to blow up the Death Star. – James Corden

Standing next to Trump was Elaine Chao, Trump’s secretary of Transportation. Which is good, because right now she’s looking for the fastest possible way to transport herself out of there. – James Corden

The only person who’s happy right now is Sean Spicer. He’s doing backflips, wherever he is. – Jimmy Kimmel

In a new interview, former White House communications director Anthony Scaramucci said that he recently realized his signature sunglasses were made for women. Not only that, but his suit is actually a child’s Halloween costume. – Seth Meyers

President Trump last night made his first visit to Manhattan since his inauguration. Meanwhile, Hillary Clinton visited three Manhattans and a Bud Light. – Seth Meyers

Well, President Trump arrived in New York last night, and actually slept in Trump Tower. Yeah, when Trump asked for a wake-up call, they just showed him his poll numbers. – Jimmy Fallon

Everybody’s been asking, you think Trump’s going to last four years? I’m wondering now if any of us are going to last four years. I haven’t screamed at my TV this much since McDreamy died. – Jimmy Kimmel

Kim Jong Un says he’s decided not to fire missiles at Guam. Then Trump said, “You mean I learned where Guam was for nothing?” – Jimmy Fallon

Google has banned the neo-Nazi website The Daily Stormer from its site. So now if you want to search for hate groups on the Internet, you’re completely out of luck! – Conan O’Brien

Airbnb is reportedly permanently banning white supremacists from making reservations on the site, because they keep cutting eyeholes in their hosts’ sheets. – Seth Meyers

I read about a 98-year-old woman and a 94-year-old man here in New York who just got married. And if you want to get them a gift… hurry! – Jimmy Fallon

A man in the U.K. saved his pet tortoise by giving it mouth-to-mouth resuscitation — at least that’s what he told his wife when she walked in on them. – Jimmy Fallon

A Florida man who accidentally fired a gun in a strip club restroom while trying to take a selfie has been sent to prison. The weird thing is everyone else at the Florida prison is there for the exact same reason. – Conan O’Brien

An Alabama woman missing for nearly a month said she was able to survive in the woods on mushrooms. Said officials, “Ma’am, you were out there for 45 minutes.” – Seth Meyers

Taco Bell has announced that it will soon launch the Naked Egg Taco, a breakfast taco that uses a fried egg as its shell. Coincidentally, “Naked Egg” is also your body type if you eat breakfast at Taco Bell. – Seth Meyers

Costco has to pay Tiffany’s $19 million for selling 2,500 fake Tiffany rings. Husbands don’t know what’s worse, having to tell their wife her ring ISN’T from Tiffany, or that it IS from Costco. “I’ve got bad news and worse news…” – Jimmy Fallon

There’s some nasty weather moving up the East Coast right now, known as Tropical Storm Gert. When they heard, people named Gert were like, “Oh, come on, my life’s bad enough as it is!” – Jimmy Fallon

Share

Captains Deserting a Sinking Ship?

Donald Trump has managed to do something that no other Republican president in recent history has done. He has alienated the captains of industry.

The presidential Strategic and Policy Forum decided to disband themselves. This group included CEOs from GM, JP Morgan Chase, Wal-Mart, Blackstone, PepsiCo, IBM, Ernst & Young, and GE (among others). The decision was made quickly after Trump’s response to violence from white nationalists. “Given the comments of the last several days, no one could continue to be seen as supporting this kind of divisiveness.”

Trump tried to claim that he dissolved the Forum, but that was a lie as the group itself had already voted to disband.

Trump did manage to kill the Manufacturing Advisory Council, but only after seven of its members had already left in disgust.

Once business deserts the GOP, is there anyone else left other than racists and bigots?


© Lalo Alcaraz

UPDATE: And a third advisory council has bitten the dust, the Presidential Advisory Council on Intrastructure. It actually died before it even got started.

Share

Late Night Political Humor

[Jokes from Aug 10, 2017]

Things are getting tense between Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un. We didn’t start it. North Korea has been testing these missiles and saying they’re making them specifically to attack the United States. So, obviously, a firm response is necessary — but maybe not “fire and fury the likes of which the world has never seen.” – Stephen Colbert

I understand wanting to say that, but this is like a hostage negotiation, and you don’t start with, “Go ahead, kill everybody. I’ll kill ’em way deader.” – Stephen Colbert

Tensions with North Korea continue to rise. And you can tell Trump’s nervous because he’s been wearing a “Make America Great Again” helmet. – Jimmy Fallon

I read that the U.S. has a plan to launch a cyberattack on North Korea. It’s pretty serious. They say it could affect both of North Korea’s computers. – Jimmy Fallon

The news organizations are actually telling people what to do in case of a nuclear attack. They say people should immediately stay inside and keep watching Netflix. – Jimmy Fallon

Today Trump said that if North Korea doesn’t get its act together, they’re going to be in big trouble. “Now, look, I’m not mad. I’m just disappointed.” – Jimmy Fallon

To be fair, North Korea isn’t helping. Today, they said they’re drawing up plans to launch four intermediate-range ballistic missiles into waters near Guam. NEAR Guam, but not ON Guam. Which is the geopolitical equivalent of your brother saying, “I’m not touching you. You can’t tell Mom, ’cause I’m not touching you. I’m not touching your face. Why are you crying? I’m not touching you.” – Stephen Colbert

A spokesperson for North Korea called president Trump a senile man who can’t think rationally. But it turns out they just stole that from Trump’s Twitter bio. – Jimmy Fallon

Archaeologists have just uncovered evidence of a Native American civilization that vanished, completely vanished in the 13th century. Isn’t that amazing? Apparently they died out months after selecting their new leader, Chief Trump. Then they were gone. – Conan O’Brien

They found a skull with a big orange wig on it. Scowling at them. But it was the best skull you’ve ever seen. – Conan O’Brien

This morning Donald Trump started another Twitter war. This time he tweeted at Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, telling him to “get back to work on a healthcare bill.” I’m impressed. It is extremely difficult to type the words “get back to work” on a phone while simultaneously teeing off with a 3-wood. – James Corden

Now sources say Mitch McConnell is going to shoot back a response — as soon as his grandchildren show him what Twitter is and how to use it. – James Corden

I mean, McConnell versus Trump, this is big, guys. I don’t know who is going to win this battle. It really is a case of the turtle and the hair. – James Corden

Former White House communications director Anthony Scaramucci — you know, the Mooch — posted a tweet comparing what happened during his firing from the White House to what happened to Monica Lewinsky during the Bill Clinton sex scandal. Now think about this: Scaramucci is comparing himself to someone who helped get a president impeached. I LIKE where this is going. – James Corden

I read that you can now go on Airbnb and rent Trump’s childhood home, where he lived until he was 4. So at least there’s one house where he lasted four years. – Jimmy Fallon

A lot of people are fed up with Donald Trump, but one man has decided to do something about it. A protester in Washington, D.C., has installed a giant inflatable chicken with Trump hair directly behind the White House. The inflatable chicken cost $1,300. Or another way to put that: Worth every penny. – James Corden

A Japanese company has created a new high-end fidget spinner that they say can spin for more than 12 minutes — beating the previous record for spinning held by Kellyanne Conway. – Seth Meyer

In an interview Tuesday, White House adviser Steven Miller called President Trump the best orator in that office in generations. When reached for comments, Trump said, “Wow, he say very nice things, he good and me good. Me orator.” – Seth Meyer

President Trump’s inauguration singer, whose sister is transgender, recently called the president’s ban on transgender people in the military a disappointment. Well, sounds like someone is not getting invited to sing at his impeachment. – Seth Meyer

The singer The Weeknd is reportedly considering changing his name. This is on the advice of his son, Staycation. – Conan O’Brien

A Russian spy plane was spotted over New Jersey. Yeah. The Russian pilot was overheard saying, “You know, Siberia’s not so bad.” – Conan O’Brien

Wal-Mart is testing out an app that would allow shoppers to skip the checkout line. Currently that service is known as shoplifting. – Conan O’Brien

In Virginia someone broke into a man’s apartment, cleaned it, and took nothing. Completely cleaned the place. Police are describing the suspect as his mother. – Conan O’Brien

A recent study found that sex burns about 3.5 calories per minute. It’s funny, because that was always my pickup line. Hey, baby, want to come back to my place and burn 7 calories? – Conan O’Brien

Football stadiums are going to get a delivery system that will bring food right to your seat. However, if you’re a Rams fan, your food will most likely be intercepted and returned for a touchdown. – Conan O’Brien

Chipotle has closed a location in Dallas after diners filmed three rats falling from the ceiling. Don’t worry, the rats died of E. coli before they hit the ground. – Conan O’Brien

A truck carrying 22,000 pounds of ravioli and jalapenos caught on fire while on a highway in Indiana — and immediately became Guy Fieri’s latest restaurant. – Seth Meyer

Share

I’ve looked at war from both sides now…


© Jack Ohman

It only took one day for Donald Trump to go back to to blaming “both sides” for the violence in Charlottesville.

He also did something worse in a way. About the white supremacist who drove his car into a crowd of protesters (killing one and putting other in the hospital), Trump said “The driver of the car is a murderer and what he did was horrible, horrible, inexcusable thing.” Why is what he said so bad? Because now it will be almost impossible to find enough “fair and impartial” people for a jury, so that white supremacist murderer might just walk.

Share

Trump: Pants on Fire

Donald Trump makes statements that earn him a “Pants on Fire” rating from PolitiFact 52 times more often than Barack Obama did while he was president. To put this in perspective, that means that Trump tells as many obvious, egregious, ridiculous lies in one week as Obama did in a whole year of his presidency.

What’s even more amazing is that Trump lies about things that are easily refuted, with absolutely no regard for the truth or reality. And yet, a third of Americans still believe him. Although that number is slowly dropping.

Share

Late Night Political Humor

[Jokes from Aug 7, 2017]

As of Friday, Donald Trump is on a 17-day vacation at his golf club in Bedminster, New Jersey. He’s there to relax after months of grueling golf at Mar-a-Lago. – Stephen Colbert

President Trump is in the middle of his 17-day trip to his New Jersey golf course, but he says it isn’t a vacation. And the staff at the White House said, “For us it is.” – Jimmy Fallon

We reached an important milestone today, because it was Donald Trump’s 200th day in the White House today. Whooo! Of course, he celebrated in his favorite way, by not going to work at the White House. – James Corden

The White House is undergoing a $3.4 million renovation. Trump said he’s hoping to replace the kitchen, the carpeting, and the attorney general. – Conan O’Brien

In fact this morning Trump tweeted he will be working in New Jersey while the White House goes through a long-planned renovation. Yeah, the White House does need some work. Apparently that place has a ton of leaks. – James Corden

President Trump is on 17-day vacation at a golf course — and tweeted 15 times today. – Jimmy Kimmel

But the president swears he’s not taking it easy, tweeting: “Working in Bedminster, N.J., as long-planned construction is being done at the White House. This is not a vacation — meetings and calls!” Meetings AND calls! Wow! Both of them! Trump has to do all that during his vacation? Man, I would NOT want to work for Vladimir Putin. Tough boss! – Stephen Colbert

Meanwhile the Russian president, Vladimir Putin, is also on vacation. Which is kind of suspicious. It’s like when your husband and secretary go on a work trip together. – Jimmy Kimmel

Of course, since it’s Putin, he also released photos of himself chilling by the river. [shows photo of bare-chested Putin] Man, those sanctions have already devastated the Russian shirt industry. – Stephen Colbert

As much as people complain about Trump going on vacation, at least he keeps his shirt on. – Jimmy Fallon

Trump’s buddy Vladimir Putin is also taking a break. He’s in Siberia putting on a snorkel and shooting fish with a spear gun. Though he later claimed the fish were killed by Ukrainian separatists. – Stephen Colbert

The Kremlin just released photos of Vladimir Putin on vacation. Putin was like, “Forget about the dad bod, feast your eyes on the Vlad bod.” – Jimmy Fallon

I will say, compared to Trump THAT looks like a vacation. I would love to go on a bro-down fishing trip with Vladimir Putin. I’ll bet it would be so much fun that I’d NEVER come back. – Stephen Colbert

Vice President Mike Pence denies he’s planning to run for president in 2020. He said, “I’m pretty sure I’ll be president way before then.” – Conan O’Brien

Pence is like, “This is ridiculous. I’m not focused on being president in 2020, I’m focused on being president after Trump is impeached sometime this year.” – James Corden

Mike Pence is denying speculation that he wants to be elected president in 2020. Pence was like, “I think you mean re-elected president in 2020.” – Jimmy Fallon

According to The New York Times, Vice President Mike Pence is planning on running for president if Trump doesn’t run for a second term. But he issued a statement strongly denying the article, saying it was disgraceful, offensive to me, my family and our entire team. He said to suggest he is running for president in 2020 is laughable and absurd. Right, why would Mike Pence want to be president in 2020? He’s going to be president much, much sooner than that. – Jimmy Kimmel

Vice President Mike Pence is adamantly denying a New York Times article claiming that he has begun a secret campaign for a presidential run in 2020. He says he has even less interest in being president than Trump does, which is saying something. – James Corden

Former communications director Anthony Scaramucci wants to turn his time in the White House into a sitcom. Networks say it’s impossible, because sitcoms have to last at least 30 minutes. – Jimmy Fallon

According to reports, officials at the Department of Agriculture told staffers to avoid the term “climate change” in their research and to use terms like “weather extremes” instead. And instead of earthquakes, they’re now called “li’l shakeroos.” – Seth Meyers

Fox News host Eric Bolling has been suspended following reports that he sent lewd photos to multiple female coworkers. Or as Fox News is reporting it: “Did Hillary Frame Eric Bolling?” – Seth Meyers

Tonight was the finale of “The Bachelorette.” Millions of people tuned into the finale to see who Rachel would spend the rest of her summer with. – Jimmy Fallon

The Mars Curiosity Rover celebrated its fifth year in space by humming “Happy Birthday” to itself. The Rover then drank a bottle of white wine and cried itself to sleep. – Conan O’Brien

Share

Threat Assessment


© Tom Tomorrow

TT admits that he initially finished this strip a week ago, but rewrote the final panel before publishing it because of Charlottesville. He didn’t want to wait until next week’s comic to make a point about neo-nazis because, well, we will probably have forgotten all about Charlottesville by then because something even more terrible or disgusting will have happened by then.


© Chan Lowe

Share

Late Night Political Humor

[Jokes from Aug 4, 2017]

You know who is going to have a nice, fun long weekend? Donald Trump. Because starting today, he begins a 17-day vacation. [Audience boos.] No, he’s earned it … is a phrase that you don’t say about Donald Trump. – Stephen Colbert

President Trump started his big vacation today. But before he left, he visited FEMA’s headquarters. FEMA said it was a nice change of pace to have a disaster come to them. – Jimmy Fallon

Trump has spent the last year telling us that the mainstream media is “fake news.” So now he’s finally fighting back, because President Trump has launched his own news program on his Facebook page … that LOOKS like state-sponsored propaganda. – Stephen Colbert

But the big story is that Special Counsel Robert Mueller is bringing evidence before a grand jury for the Russia investigation. Trump was confused, because he thought a grand jury was something you order at Denny’s. “I’ll have a grand jury, side of bacon.” – Jimmy Fallon

Former Mexican President Vicente Fox was on CNN this morning, and he seemed to express his feelings once again about Trump’s border wall pretty clearly: [clip of Fox] “Well, you can use my words, we’ll never pay for that [bleeping] wall.” Trump was like, “So it sounds like there’s some wiggle room there.” – Jimmy Fallon

The WWE has trademarked the Bible verse numbers 3:16. It is the most inappropriate case of commercializing the Bible since King Solomon’s baby-sized Ginsu knives. “Cut that baby in one swipe!” – Stephen Colbert

The WWE-trademarked 3:16 refers to one of the Bible’s most quoted verses, John 3:16: “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only son, that those who believe in him shall not die but have eternal life.” Or, as the WWE will now put it, “Christ-a-mania is running wild! Woo, baby!” – Stephen Colbert

Sunday’s episode of “Game of Thrones” will be the show’s shortest episode ever at just 50 minutes. Yeah, so after the opening credits, that’s only two minutes of actual show. – Jimmy Fallon

ABC is dropping plans for a live musical of “The Little Mermaid” because of budget issues. Also, because nobody can hold their breath underwater for two hours. – Jimmy Fallon

Share

When is Terrorism not Terrorism?

When it is committed by someone from a group of people who voted for Donald Trump. You know, like white supremacists.

Even The Economist, normally not overly concerned with civil rights, condemned Trump:

DEEP down, it is always about him. What the world thinks of him. The applause that is his due. The glory that enemies are trying to take from him. That, perhaps, is how best to understand the cramped, self-regarding moral code which seems to guide Donald Trump at moments which call for grand, inspiring acts of leadership.

To understand why Mr Trump could not bring himself to condemn white supremacists who brought fear and murderous violence to the Virginia college town of Charlottesville on Saturday, some Americans sought vast, dramatic explanations. They puzzled over the president’s mealy-mouthed reaction to the sight of Nazi banners waving in their country. They fretted about Mr Trump’s muted response to what appeared to be a political murder, as a car was driven at speed into a group of anti-racist marchers in Charlottesville, leaving one woman dead and at least 19 injured. And then some of those Americans peered into the moral void left by their president on a terrible day, and wondered if somewhere within that blankness they could make out something very dark and frightening indeed. Does the president of America sympathise with white racists, they wondered? Or at a minimum, does Mr Trump believe the votes of white racists to be so important that he does not want to alienate them as a voting block?

Politicians on both sides of the aisle condemned Trump. Senator Chuck Grassley (R-IA) said “What ‘White Nationalists’ are doing in Charlottesville is homegrown terrorism that can’t be tolerated.” Speaker Paul Ryan (R-WI) agreed, “White supremacy is a scourge. This hate and its terrorism must be confronted and defeated.” Senator John McCain (R-AZ) declared “White supremacists aren’t patriots, they’re traitors—Americans must unite against hatred & bigotry.”

It seems like the only people who didn’t condemn white supremacists was Trump, Senator Ted Cruz, VP Mike Pence, and AG Jeff Sessions.

UPDATE: Ted Cruz finally changed his mind and condemned the white supremacists and their domestic terrorism. Still waiting for anyone inside the Trump administration to do the same.


© Brian McFadden

Share

Jobs!


© Glenn McCoy

Not only that, but Donald Trump is also bringing conservatives and progressives together. It has been a while since I’ve seen Glenn McCoy publish a comic that was critical of Trump. And even longer since I’ve seen a comic from him that was the least bit funny. But this one ticked my funny bone (especially the tweeting eagle).

Share

Late Night Political Humor

[Jokes from Aug 3, 2017]

A transcript from President Trump’s phone call with the Australian prime minister was just leaked and at one point, Trump referred to U.S. dairy farmers as local milk people. Even worse, he referred to cows as spotted milk horses. – Jimmy Fallon

Do you guys remember the beginning of the Trump administration? You’ll recall that in the first week, back when we were giving him a chance, Trump was calling all the world leaders, you know, getting to know them. “Hi, hello? Hi. My name is Donald. I like to eat steak. What are you wearing? Hello? Hello?” – Stephen Colbert

Trump is also being criticized for his conversation with the president of Mexico, where he called New Hampshire “a drug-infested den.” New Hampshire says it’s furious, while Colorado says it has to find a new nickname. – Jimmy Fallon

Two of the calls were with the president of Mexico and the prime minister of Australia. Rumor is, the calls did not go well. First, Trump talked to Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto and when he got off the phone, said basically, “Great news, they’re paying for the wall.” But Peña Nieto said, “Que estas hablando/what you talkin’ ’bout, Willis?” – Stephen Colbert

The Wall Street Journal is reporting Robert Mueller, the special counsel investigating Russia’s interference in the 2016 election, has impaneled a grand jury. I’m going to say something nobody has ever said before: “God, I wish I had jury duty!” – Stephen Colbert

But really, how are they ever going to find unbiased people to serve on this jury? “Ma’am, have you ever heard of a man by the name of Donald Trump?” “No, Father never mentioned him in our cave-dwelling cult.” – Stephen Colbert

Trump was actually busted for saying that a bunch of people called to compliment him this week, when they hadn’t. When asked about it today, Trump said, “I can’t talk now, I’m on the phone with the governor of Narnia.” – Jimmy Fallon

President Trump is about to go on vacation. He’s off for two blissful weeks on the Island of Covfefe. – Jimmy Kimmel

According to The Associated Press, President Trump will take a 17-day vacation starting tomorrow at his golf club in New Jersey. Seventeen days in New Jersey doesn’t sound like a vacation, it sounds like an episode of “I Survived”. – Seth Meyers

I’m pretty sure if you spend 17 days in Jersey, you become an honorary member of the E Street Band. – Seth Meyers

He’s going to his Trump golf resort in New Jersey. Some people are angry he’s taking vacation for two weeks. I think it is a good thing. I mean, we’ll still have a country for two more weeks. – Jimmy Kimmel

That’s more days than Chris Christie has spent in New Jersey. – Seth Meyers

Before he slips into those size 46 Van Heusen golf pants, the president made a stop in West Virginia to pound his chest for a large crowd of enthusiastic supporters. Earlier today, he teased that he would be making a big announcement. He doesn’t just make an announcement. First he announces he’s going to make an announcement. Then the announcement gets announced. – Jimmy Kimmel

So the big announcement they were all excited about was that the governor of West Virginia, Jim Justice, was switching parties from Democrat to Republican. And he has a lot in common with the president. They’re both former Democrats who switched parties because they love Donald Trump. So now they’re on the same team. – Jimmy Kimmel

According to The Hollywood Reporter, President Trump was being considered for the role of president in the 2015 TV movie “Sharknado 3,” and was upset when the job was given to someone else, and then even more upset [shows photo of Hillary on movie poster] when he found out who got it. – Seth Meyers

Trump is trying to impress his new chief of staff, John Kelly, by listing a lot of facts during meetings. They’re all Snapple facts, but still. “Cats have 100 vocal cords.” “Made from the best stuff on Earth.” – Jimmy Fallon

Share

No Escape


© David Horsey

I try to ignore him. Try to forget about him. Then he goes and does something like threatening to unleash nuclear fire and fury. Ignoring him just seems to make him more desperate for attention.

I fear this will not end well.

Share

Late Night Political Humor

[Jokes from Aug 2, 2017]

This morning, President Trump announced a new immigration plan that will favor people who speak English. Which is why tonight, he had to deport himself. “I am BIGLY, BIGLY sad!” – Jimmy Fallon

Basically Donald Trump wants to create what he calls a merit-based system that awards points to green card applicants based on such factors as English ability. Yes, immigrants have to learn proper English like “bigly” and “covfefe.” – Stephen Colbert

I am really glad my family got here in 1828. Because Donald Trump just pulled up the immigration ladder behind us. Today the administration announced a harsh new immigration bill. Now, don’t you dare say that he’s just cruelly targeting illegal immigrants, because the bill wants to reduce LEGAL immigration by 50 percent. “Melania, honey, I got some tough news, only 50 percent of your parents can come to Thanksgiving. I say your mom. She’s in great physical shape.” – Stephen Colbert

Now, the bill sounds bad, but they gave it a catchy name: the Reforming American Immigration for Strong Employment (RAISE) Act. Yes, the RAISE Act. Much better marketing than the original name: Reforming American Citizenship Is Super Tough. – Stephen Colbert

It was a busy day for Trump. He also signed off on new sanctions against Russia for interfering with our election — and a source says that he talked to Vladimir Putin on the phone right before. When people said that was inappropriate, Trump said, “I agree — I wanted to FaceTime!” – Jimmy Fallon

Before heading out of town today, President Trump signed a number of sanctions against Russia. They passed with an overwhelming majority in the House, so Trump had to sign it. Vladimir Putin is not happy. In fact, he changed their relationship status on Facebook today to “It’s complicated”. – Seth Meyers

A new Quinnipiac poll found that 33 percent of people approve of the job President Trump is doing. Unfortunately, they’re all under investigation. – Seth Meyers

The president’s approval rating has dropped to a new low. This is a newer low than the last new low. It is down to 33 percent today, which I think is lower than the “Emoji Movie”. There’s no light at the end of the tunnel. – Jimmy Kimmel

This past week, a signed sketch of the Manhattan skyline drawn by Donald Trump in 2005 was bought at auction for nearly $30,000. Bidding started at $9,000 and went all the way up to $30,000. Making this Trump’s only venture to ever turn a profit. – James Corden

Let’s be honest, it’s not a great drawing. I’d normally say “Keep your day job,” but I don’t want that either. – James Corden

Did you hear what Trump said about living in the White House? According to Golf magazine, of all places, the president told a group of members at his club in New Jersey the White House is a real dump. A White House spokesperson today denied the president said that, so it’s true. – Jimmy Kimmel

To be fair, Donald Trump thinks any building that doesn’t have his name on it is a dump. – Jimmy Kimmel

The president is in an absolute tailspin. His approval rating is in the basement. And, he’s living in a dump. – Jimmy Kimmel

Scientists just discovered that millions of years ago, flowers had both male and female parts. As a result, President Trump has banned those flowers from serving in the military. – Jimmy Fallon

Tomorrow the president is leaving for a two-week vacation to his beloved Bedminster golf club in New Jersey. Finally, he’ll get time to play some golf. – Jimmy Kimmel

Elon Musk recently announced that the government has approved a plan for something called a “Hyperloop” that will transport people between New York and D.C. in just 29 minutes. “Hyperloop?” I don’t know how much I trust [that as] public transportation. That sounds like it should be a ride at Six Flags. – James Corden

Apparently this thing shoots people through a tube at 700 miles an hour! And, when you arrive in New York it drops you straight off at Macy’s so you can buy a clean pair of underwear. – James Corden

It can get you out of Washington, D.C., and into New York City in 29 minutes. Or, as Melania Trump calls it, not fast enough. – James Corden

A new study finds that George Clooney has the most handsome face because of his eyes, nose, chin, and mouth. In other words, he has the most handsome face because of his face. – Jimmy Fallon

“The Today Show” just featured a group of moms in California who said that smoking weed makes them better parents. When asked if their kids agree, the moms were like, “Oh crap, the kids!” – Jimmy Fallon

The dating app Tinder recently paid a woman’s flight change fee after she missed her flight because she was on a great Tinder date. That’s how rare great Tinder dates are. If you have one, you win a free trip. – James Corden

Hospitals in Chicago have seen the number of baby deliveries double this month. Which would be remarkable, until you realize that’s exactly nine months after the Chicago Cubs won the World Series. – James Corden

According to Vanity Fair, the Queen of England has four alcoholic beverages every day, including a glass of champagne before bed. Champagne before bed?! Who does she think she is, herself? – Seth Meyers

A pair of New England Patriots players were kicked out of practice this week after getting into a fight during drills. Wow, even the New England Patriots hate the New England Patriots. – Seth Meyers

Share