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Colbert & O’Reilly

Stephen Colbert’s previous fake persona was a parody of blowhard Bill O’Reilly. Who knew that the two of them could have one of the most sensible and entertaining discussions about current politics? Heck, I even agree with a couple of O’Reilly’s points.

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Late Night Political Humor

“We’re one week away from the Iowa caucuses and all the candidates are doing whatever they can to appeal to voters. Donald Trump even went to a church service in Iowa over the weekend. You can tell he doesn’t go to church much because he was like, ‘I really like the part where they passed me the basket of free money.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“California police are on the fourth day of a manhunt for three escaped convicts. The dangerous sociopaths are believed to be headed to Iowa so they can vote for Donald Trump.” – Conan O’Brien

Donald Trump said this morning during an interview that Ted Cruz ‘looks like a jerk’. And claimed that Cruz has no friends in Congress and is usually standing all by himself. So is he running for president or leader of the Plastics?” – Seth Meyers

“Ted Cruz has been joined on the campaign trail by former candidate Gov. Rick Perry. So in other words, Ted Cruz is the No. 1 choice of the guy who was nobody’s choice.” – Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump said that Ted Cruz is a liar who looks like a jerk. Not to be confused with Trump, who is a jerk who looks like a liar.” – Seth Meyers

“On CNN last night they had what they call a town hall meeting where the Democratic candidates try to woo the Iowa voters. The only clear winner of this debate-slash-meeting was the farmer who got $30,000 to let CNN park the satellite trucks in his corn field.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Democrats held a presidential forum last night on CNN where candidates were interviewed individually. Candidates were asked questions like, ‘What would you do about the wage gap?’ ‘Do you plan to raise taxes?’ And, ‘How did you get in here?’ – Seth Meyers

“Someone asked Hillary who her favorite president was, and she said — with apologies to President Obama — ‘My husband, Bill. My favorite is Abraham Lincoln.’ And then Bernie Sanders said, ‘Senator, I knew Abraham Lincoln. Abraham Lincoln was a friend of mine. And you, ma’am, are no Abraham Lincoln!'” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Last night CNN hosted a Democratic forum where Hillary Clinton said that if she’s elected she wants to work together with Republicans and even said she’d give them all bear hugs. By bear hugs she means like the ones you saw in ‘The Revenant’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Martin O’Malley, who for some reason is still under the impression he’s running for president, got some good shots in, but this was his big moment. During the Q&A portion he said, ‘I can’t just sit here. I have to take off my jacket and stand up!’ And he rolled up his sleeves and showed off his body. It’s like ‘Magic Martin’.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Ben of Ben & Jerry’s has come out with an ice cream inspired by Bernie Sanders. A carton costs $3.99 but when you include tax, it’s $200 million.” – Conan O’Brien

“The Iowa caucuses are less than a week away. Then after that the candidates can go back to ignoring Iowa completely.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“We give so much attention to who Iowa picks. Since 1980 the Iowa Caucus has predicted the Republican nominee incorrectly four times. They only got it right twice. You get better odds when you have a zoo animal predict the winner of the Super Bowl than these Iowa caucuses.” – Jimmy Kimmel

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Presidential Proclamations

Jack Ohman
© Jack Ohman

With instant translations.

Today is the New Hampshire primary. The first actual primary. Who is going to be voted off the island?

Will Michael Bloomberg run for president after all?

I’ve been predicting that Marco Rubio would win the GOP primary, but depending on what happens in New Hampshire (after Rubio did his best impression of a robot who cracks under pressure during the last debate), I may have to eat my words.

UPDATE: Here’s a funny video of Rubio contradicting himself:

So now Obama is not just a fascist socialist, he also simultaneously does and does not know what he’s doing (both incompetent and dastardly cleverly evil).

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Late Night Political Humor

“The latest CBS poll has Bernie Sanders beating Hillary Clinton by 1 percent in Iowa, though another poll has Hillary beating Bernie Sanders with a folding chair. – Seth Meyers

Hillary Clinton said yesterday that she feels great about her chances to be the Democratic nominee and Bill Clinton said, ‘Hillary, it’s 3:30 in the morning. Go back to sleep.'” – Seth Meyers

“The Iowa caucuses are coming up and yesterday, Lindsey Graham criticized Donald Trump and Ted Cruz and said choosing between them is like having to choose between being shot or poisoned.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Graham said supporting Jeb Bush is like choosing to be slowly suffocated by an expensive pillow.” – Jimmy Fallon

“One thing’s for sure, if Donald Trump started shooting people on Fifth Avenue he wouldn’t hit any Trump supporters. They’re not going to Saks, they’re over in Times Square at the M&M store.” – Seth Meyers

“Now in fairness he was just talking about the loyalty of his supporters — though it doesn’t sound like he was complimenting the loyalty of his supporters.” – Seth Meyers

“A researcher found lyrics to a song that Woody Guthrie wrote over 50 years ago about Donald Trump’s father, Fred Trump. I believe it was called, this land is my land and this land is my land, and this land is also my land.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Donald was like, big deal — Pink Floyd did an entire album about me called ‘The Wall,’ and I made them pay for it.” – Jimmy Fallon

“After a really warm December, this was kind of a relief. Climate change has not ended winter, it just packed the whole damn thing into one weekend.” – Stephen Colbert

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Fool me again?

Ok, I agree with Bernie Sanders. I’m completely tired of news about Hillary Clinton’s private (but secured) email server. Latest “news” is that they found a whole 22 emails that contained some top secret information. Interestingly, Clinton was not the sender of those emails, they came from the CIA.

But that hasn’t stopped the GOP scandal machine from trying to make it sound like Clinton did something unusual. We have known for a year that both Colin Powell and Condoleezza Rice had private email servers, and they too received classified emails on their personal email accounts.

I’m also tired of liberals who are buying into this scandal. Are you really that stupid that you can fall for this crap?

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Late Night Political Humor

“We have Republican presidential candidate Marco Rubio on the show tonight! To make sure Marco feels comfortable during the interview, we have five other guys who’ll interrupt him every time he talks.” – Jimmy Fallon

“At a Donald Trump rally in Oklahoma, Sarah Palin called President Obama a ‘weak-kneed capitulator in chief.’ When asked if she knows what a capitulator is, she said, ‘Of course I do — it’s one of those worms that turns into a butterfly!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“After Sarah Palin’s rambling endorsement of Donald Trump, she failed to show up at a Trump campaign event. Palin apologized and said, ‘I was fresh out of nonsense.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump said today that he didn’t expect Sarah Palin to speak for ‘quite that long’ during her rambling endorsement speech earlier this week. She did speak for over 20 minutes, but remember, for Sarah Palin, that’s only three sentences.” – Seth Meyers

“A surgeon announced that he successfully transplanted a monkey’s head onto a different monkey’s body. The monkey immediately endorsed Donald Trump.” – Conan O’Brien

“Music icon Cher said recently, ‘Donald Trump can’t come up with a hairstyle that looks human, how can he come up with a plan to defeat ISIS?’ So if you’re looking for a plan to defeat ISIS, I wouldn’t count on Cher either.” – Seth Meyers

Donald Trump’s supporters are now being called ‘Trumpeters’. And Jeb Bush’s supporters are being called ‘clinically depressed.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Jeb tweeted today that if Donald Trump is the nominee Hillary Clinton will be elected president and we can’t let that happen. Jeb is painting himself as the only candidate who can beat Hillary. Meanwhile his brother George is at home painting portraits of his dog.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Tea party Senator Ted Cruz claims he currently does not have health insurance. Man, this guy will say anything to prove he’s not Canadian.” – Conan O’Brien

“Bernie Sanders’ son calls his dad ‘the Bernster.’ While Jeb Bush’s son calls him ‘my mom’s friend Jeb’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Rapper Will.i.am is supporting Hillary Clinton for president, whereas rapper Killer Mike said he endorses Bernie Sanders. When told all of this, Sanders said, ‘What the hell are you talking about?'” – Conan O’Brien

“A recent poll found that 10 percent of college graduates think Judge Judy once served on the Supreme Court. To be fair, it’s the same 10 percent that think Justice Antonin Scalia is the Cake Boss.” – Seth Meyers

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House Trained

Jack Ohman
© Jack Ohman

Now that the Republican candidates are finally being narrowed down, the GOP establishment is trying to steer votes for the candidates that dropped out to Marco Rubio. Will it work? Or will when either Ted Cruz or Donald Trump drop out, will their anti-establishment votes go to the other?

Joel Pett
© Joel Pett

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Sanders Attacks Moderates

This week, Bernie Sanders finally learned the wrong lesson from Republicans with a tweet aimed at Clinton that said “You can be a moderate. You can be a progressive. But you cannot be a moderate and a progressive.” Doesn’t this sound suspiciously like GOP conservatives calling moderates RINOs (Republicans In Name Only)?

It is this kind of ideological purity that I was concerned about in a post 2 weeks ago. We need a president that can bring people together, not divide them. In order to win the presidency in the general election, the Democratic candidate will have to appeal to the moderates, the undecided voters, and yes, even to some Republicans.

Compromise is the essence of politics, but this modern notion that ideological purity is of utmost importance worries me tremendously. I’m old enough to remember when narrow-minded ideology cost both parties several presidential elections.

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Late Night Political Humor

“Yesterday in Iowa, Sarah Palin gave a 20-minute speech to endorse Donald Trump for president, while Trump stood off to the side. Palin described Trump as a great leader, while Trump described being quiet for 20 minutes as the most painful experience of his life.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Critics are calling Sarah Palin’s endorsement speech of Donald Trump ‘bizarre,’ ‘meandering,’ and ‘mystifying.’ In other words, she’s still got it.” – Conan O’Brien

“A new poll shows that, in Florida, Donald Trump has the support of nearly 50 percent of Republican voters. However, since it’s Florida, at least 25 percent of those voters probably won’t make it till Election Day.” – Conan O’Brien

“Senator Lindsey Graham said this week that Donald Trump is the ‘most unelectable’ Republican he has seen in his lifetime. Then he walked by a mirror and said ‘whoops, never mind.'” – Seth Meyers

“According to a new report, emails on the private server Hillary used when she was secretary of state did indeed have classified information in them. This was described as above top secret stuff. Which I didn’t know there was an above top secret. You think top would be top. But I guess it’s like ‘America’s Top Model,’ they’re not really top” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Bernie Sanders is having a very good week. He doesn’t know how to use email so that’s not a problem.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Sanders is leading Hillary Clinton in New Hampshire by 27 points. Bernie is very well liked among Democratic voters. Among those likely to vote in the primary, his favorability rating is 91 percent — that is incredibly high. As are many of his supporters.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Jeb Bush misspoke during a campaign event yesterday and mistakenly called President Obama’s daughter ‘Malala’ instead of Malia. And THEN, when he tried to say Sasha’s name, it came out ‘I don’t want to run for president anymore.'” – Seth Meyers

“Jeb Bush was talking about the Obamas yesterday and mispronounced their daughter Malia’s name, and it sounded like he said ‘Malala.’ Then his brother George was like, ‘Heh — looks like the student has become the mustard!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Jeb Bush mistakenly referred to President Obama’s daughter Malia as ‘Malala.’ When Jeb Bush apologized for his mistake, Malia said, ‘Don’t worry about it, Jethbo.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Last night, C-SPAN aired a debate in New Hampshire among 23 ‘fringe presidential candidates.’ The fringe candidates included a Libertarian, a white supremacist, and Jeb Bush.” – Conan O’Brien

“According to a new report, by 2050, the world’s oceans will contain more plastic trash than fish. So the next time you get dumped, remember: There’s plenty of trash in the sea.” – Seth Meyers

“The ‘best countries’ report was released at the World Economic Forum in Switzerland today. According to them, the best country in the world is Germany. Although at first Steve Harvey said Colombia and everyone got excited.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Germany came in first, Canada was second, the United Kingdom third, the United States fourth. When Donald Trump finds out about this, he’s going to sell a lot more hats, that’s for sure.” – Jimmy Kimmel

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Obama Talks About Clinton and Sanders

There is an interesting interview in Politico with Barack Obama from a week before the Iowa caucuses, talking about the 2016 election and what he thinks about Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders:

Bernie came in with the luxury of being a complete long shot and just letting loose. I think Hillary came in with the both privilege — and burden — of being perceived as the front-runner. … You’re always looking at the bright, shiny object that people haven’t seen before — that’s a disadvantage to her.

And what he thinks of Donald Trump and the Republican party:

You think about it: When I ran against John McCain, John McCain and I had real differences, sharp differences, but John McCain didn’t deny climate science. John McCain didn’t call for banning Muslims from the United States. … [The] Republican vision has moved not just to the right, but has moved to a place that is unrecognizable.

It’s a good article, well worth a read.

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Late Night Political Humor

“This morning, Twitter went down for almost three hours. It wasn’t good — in fact, I heard Donald Trump actually had to FAX his insults to people.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump continues to lead in the polls, but he recently said that if he loses the election, he’d go back to building skyscrapers. When asked where he’d build them, he said, ‘Right in front of the White House.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“While speaking at an evangelical university, Donald Trump praised the Bible, saying ‘There’s nothing like it.’ Of course, Trump changed his mind the minute he found out the book is full of Middle Easterners.” – Conan O’Brien

“Today, Donald Trump got the endorsement of Sarah Palin. When he heard, John McCain said, ‘Well, then you’re all set.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Sarah Palin appeared in Iowa today to endorse Donald Trump for president. Though I think she just likes him because ‘Trump’ sounds like a name she would give one of her kids — Bristol, Willow, Track, and Trump.” – Seth Meyers

“Remember when Obama appeared on the NBC reality show ‘Running Wild’ with survivalist Bear Grylls? This had to be the first time a U.S. president ever appeared on TV with a man who regularly drinks his own urine.” – James Corden

“People were shocked that during the show, Obama actually ate fish that had been gnawed on by a bear. That’s nothing. Chris Christie once ate half a ham straight out of a Dumpster.” – James Corden

“At a recent town hall meeting, Chris Christie admitted that he’s got a little bit of a crush on Adele. Which explains Adele’s new song: ‘Hell-no’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“There was another Democratic debate over the weekend. The candidates discussed the big issues like healthcare and global warming. But, of course, the media focused on the most important issue: Bernie Sanders gives a mean stink-eye.” – James Corden

“Fun fact: Bernie makes that same face when the waiter at Canter’s Deli brings him the wrong soup.” – James Corden

“In a new interview with Time Magazine, Democratic candidate Bernie Sanders said that he’s never worn a tuxedo in his life. When asked what he got married in, Bernie said, ‘1879’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“According to a recent poll, Hillary Clinton has a better chance than Bernie Sanders at beating Donald Trump. While Martin O’Malley still has a good chance of beating traffic.” – Seth Meyers

“Today, a top LGBT organization officially endorsed Hillary Clinton. Upon hearing this, Bill Clinton said, ‘You had me at L.'” – Conan O’Brien

“The president of the United States, Barack Obama, seems to have totally checked out recently. It’s like Obama has total senioritis. If you want proof of this, he’s started signing every bill in Congress with: ‘Have a great summer. Stay cool. Barack.'” – James Corden

“Obama even appeared on Jerry Seinfeld’s show, ‘Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee.’ How about less ‘comedians in cars getting coffee’ and more ‘presidents in the White House getting legislation passed through both houses of Congress.'” – James Corden

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Can you see the difference?

Matt Bors
© Matt Bors

How hypocritical is it that many of the same people who take up arms against the government are also screaming to kick out the Mexicans, deport the Muslims, and want the right to kill anyone who threatens them. To me, it is an old story — people want laws, police, prisons, and punishment, but only for other people they don’t like, not for themselves. You can’t have it both ways.

And now, the few people who are left occupying the Malheur bird sanctuary claim that they weren’t instigators, they just came along for the heck of it, and the feds should let them leave without any arrests of other repercussions for their actions. I think it is too late for that. If it was a bunch of Mexicans, Muslims, or Blacks occupying a federal building, I’m sure these same people would be only too happy to serve their own form of vigilante justice against them.

We are either a nation of laws, or we aren’t.

Since 9/11, more Americans have been killed by right-wing terrorists than by Muslim terrorists. If we want to deport dangerous terrorists, why don’t we start with the right-wing-nuts?

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Late Night Political Humor

“While speaking at an evangelical university, Donald Trump misquoted the Bible, saying ‘two Corinthians’ instead of ‘Second Corinthians.’ And, several times, instead of saying ‘God’ he said ‘Donald Trump’.” – Conan O’Brien

“Today is Martin Luther King Day. And Donald Trump saw his shadow this morning so that means six more weeks of racism.” – Seth Meyers

“At last week’s Republican debate, Ted Cruz accused Donald Trump of having ‘New York values’. Trump said that’s ridiculous, then, overcharged Cruz for a bagel.” – Conan O’Brien

“South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham on Friday endorsed Jeb Bush for president. Though I imagine getting an endorsement from Lindsey Graham is about as helpful as being backed up in a bar fight by Lindsey Graham.” – Seth Meyers

“Last night from Charleston, South Carolina was the Democratic presidential debate between Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders, and an unidentified man on the side — I’m told his name is Martin O’Malley.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Last night Martin O’Malley looked like the kid forced to choose between his parents at a divorce hearing.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“During last night’s debate, Hillary Clinton said her husband would serve as her ‘kitchen table’ advisor. Meanwhile, Bernie Sanders said his wife would serve as his ‘hand rails in the bathroom’ advisor.” – Conan O’Brien

“During last night’s Democratic debate, Bernie Sanders got the most speaking time. As well as the most speaking volume. Bernie Sanders talks like he always has a bad connection.” – Seth Meyers

“In a sense the debate was a victory for Bernie Sanders. He made it through the whole thing without dying.” – Jimmy Kimmel

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Election News or Mis-information?

Tom Tomorrow
© Tom Tomorrow

Ok, I need to clear up some misinformation that I’ve been seeing in almost all of the media. The media keeps reporting the popular vote totals from the Iowa caucuses. Based on the popular vote, they keep calling the results for Clinton and Sanders a “dead heat”. There is just one problem: the popular vote totals do not determine the primary results. It is the delegate counts that count.

So what if Hillary Clinton got 49.8% of the vote and Bernie Sanders got 49.6%? That does sound awfully close. But Sanders won big in just a few districts (districts with large populations of young people, like university towns). As a result, Clinton actually got 28 delegates, while Sanders got 21 (2 delegates were “uncommitted”). That means that Clinton got 55% of the delegates and Sanders got 41%. That doesn’t sound quite so close, does it?

How did that happen? Within a district, you only need to get 51% of the vote in order to get that delegate. If Sanders got 100% of the vote in a college town, he would still only get one delegate.

It works the same way in the national election, where most states are “winner take all”. It is a weird system, but it is the one we currently have and it is too late to change the rules for this election (although I really think we should change the rules).

But it gets worse. Because the Democratic party has “superdelegates”, Clinton currently leads Sanders by 384 delegates to 29. And that is not close at all.

Up next is the New Hampshire primary, where Sanders (from Vermont) is very popular. But New Hampshire only has 32 delegates total. So Sanders could win every single delegate from New Hampshire (an unlikely complete blowout), and it will make little difference. After that are states like Nevada and South Carolina, where Clinton is favored.

Now, having said all that, I do want Sanders to keep getting lots of votes. Why? Because as long as he is still in the primary race, he will highlight the differences between the Democrats and the Republicans, and he will push Clinton to the left. Both of those things are very important. Right now, Clinton’s biggest problem is how she can avoid alienating Sanders’ followers and turn them into Clinton voters in the general election.

UPDATE: By the way, I’m not just picking on Sanders and the Democrats. The same thing happened on the GOP side. The media keeps calling it an upset win for Cruz, with Trump second, and Rubio third. Again, that is based on the popular vote. But the delegate count tells a slightly different story. Ted Cruz did get the most delegates, he got eight. Donald Trump got seven delegates, just one less than Cruz. And Marco Rubio also got seven delegates, the same as Trump. So where are the headlines talking about a tie between Trump and Rubio?

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Late Night Political Humor

“The Republican candidates held another debate in South Carolina, and it went on about half-hour longer than expected. Which isn’t bad, considering Trump’s campaign has gone on half a year longer than expected.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump has been endorsed by a whites-only group. In response, Trump said, ‘I’m proud to be the official candidate of the U.S. Ski Team.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump tried bringing up polls that showed him winning, and the crowd actually started to boo. Trump was like, ‘See, even ghosts love me.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump said this week that his high poll numbers in Massachusetts are due to his support from Patriots’ quarterback Tom Brady. Man, what is it with Tom Brady and deflated leather balls?” – Seth Meyers

“I read that there are actually four stars in the universe named after Donald Trump. You believe that? A burning ball of hot air has stars named after him.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Jeb Bush has released a new ad showing clips of mean things Donald Trump has said on the campaign trail. He also released his new campaign slogan ‘I’m telling!'” – Seth Meyers

“We have former secretary of state and Democratic front-runner Hillary Clinton on the show tonight. Backstage she told me she’s a huge fan of the show and I was like, ‘I know, I read it in your emails.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“A new poll shows that in the last month, Hillary Clinton’s lead in Iowa has shrunk from 9 percent to 2 percent. Meanwhile, her fake smile has grown 200 percent.” – Seth Meyers

“President Vladimir Putin said that Russia has invented the world’s most effective drug to fight Ebola. Yeah. When asked if he tested it on rats, Putin said, ‘You could call them that. Sure, yeah, yeah. They’re rats.'” – Jimmy Fallon

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