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Today in Trump

Donald Trump’s international trip got pushed out of the news today by yet another list of bad news for his administration. Why settle for a scandal a day when you can have many?

Russian agents bought ads on Facebook and other social media during the election to spread damaging stories about Hillary Clinton and influence the election. That’s illegal, and the FEC is starting to investigate.

And yesterday, the former director of the CIA testified that he has specific information concerning Russia trying to recruit members of the Trump campaign. This includes “contacts and interactions between Russian officials and U.S. persons involved in the Trump campaign”. Will Trump keep claiming that this is a “witch hunt”?

Next, after the terrorist attack in Manchester, England on Monday night, British authorities determined that the bomber was someone who was already known to British intelligence, and started arresting members of his network. They shared this information with US authorities, who stupidly leaked it to the public while the Brits were still trying to track down the terrorists. Why would any country ever share intelligence with us about terrorism in the future?

And then there is the $2 trillion math error in the proposed budget the Trump administration sent to Congress yesterday, which blows a huge hole in that budget. A former Treasury secretary called it “a logical error of the kind that would justify failing a student in an introductory economics course.” And this is coming from an administration that “prides itself on its business background”. Bottom line? “The Trump administration has not yet made a significant economic pronouncement that meets a minimal standard of competence and honesty.”

Today’s news? The CBO will release its assessment of the AHCA today.

[Hat tip to Electoral Vote for sourcing this information.]

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Late Night Political Humor

[Jokes from Apr. 12, 2017]

Because of the sexual allegations against him, it’s rumored that Bill O’Reilly’s show may be going off the air. For continuity’s sake, Fox will replace it with reruns of “The Cosby Show”. – Conan O’Brien

After being accused of sexual harassment by five women, Bill O’Reilly announced he is taking a vacation. And if there’s any justice in the world he’ll be flying United. – Conan O’Brien

Donald Trump will be running the White House Easter egg roll this year. Every year at the White House they have an egg roll. Which I think President Trump assumed was a menu item at P.F. Chang’s. – Jimmy Kimmel

They’re having trouble organizing Easter at the White House this year. Instead of an A-list musician, there will be a military band. And instead of eggs, there’s going to be golf balls and instead of children there will be old white guys. – Conan O’Brien

Even though this is an annual tradition, it’s been going on for 138 years, they’re having trouble getting it together this year. The White House apparently hasn’t sent out invitations yet. And they neglected to order the eggs. Every year they give kids wooden eggs as souvenirs of the Easter egg roll. This year the company that mills the eggs had to tweet a reminder to the president and first lady, “fiy, manufacturing deadlines for the Easter eggs are near, please reach out.” – Jimmy Kimmel

This may seem a little desperate but this is a company whose business is making wooden eggs. They miss Easter, they’re screwed, that’s it, nobody wants an egg on Flag Day. – Jimmy Kimmel

This weekend is Easter, where Christians celebrate the return of Jesus. Unfortunately, this year Jesus can’t return because he’s Middle Eastern and been detained at the airport. – Conan O’Brien

White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer tried to down play the issues at his press briefing this afternoon. He did it an interesting way. He invited a group of children into the room and told them the egg roll doesn’t matter because there’s no such thing as the Easter bunny anyway. – Jimmy Kimmel

Before he was press secretary, Sean Spicer actually played the Easter bunny at the egg roll during the Bush administration. Which means this week, for the first time maybe in history, we got to see the Easter bunny apologize for comments about the Holocaust. – Jimmy Kimmel

White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer has apologized for his Hitler comments and admitted he “screwed up”. I don’t think Spicer learned his lesson though, because he then said, “Even Hitler didn’t screw up as badly as I did.” – Conan O’Brien

A new article says that Donald Trump has changed the definition of the word “conservative.” It used to mean “traditional” and “right leaning” – now it means “batshit crazy.” – Conan O’Brien

Congratulations to the first lady, Melania Trump, who just got a nice payout from a British tabloid newspaper, The Daily Mail. According to CNN, Melania received $2.9 million in damages, which she’s using to build an escape tunnel back to Slovenia. – Jimmy Kimmel

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Trump Stops Winning

It seems like almost everyone is on to Donald Trump. He finally gave a speech that was designed to be presidential. And his speech in the Middle East was actually presidential.

Except that virtually nobody believed a word of it. He said reasonable things about Muslims. But Muslims are not so stupid. As one Muslim university professor put it “[The speech] will be met with deep skepticism in the Muslim world because Trump has been hostile and offensive to Muslims.”

Back in the US, politicians from both parties didn’t believe Trump either. After all, Trump was praising Saudi Arabia and enlisting them to fight terrorism. Trump seems to ignore that Saudi Arabia was the homeland of the majority of the perpetrators of 9/11. More recently, in 2015 Saudi Arabia beheaded more people than ISIS.

Trump’s base, who lapped up Trump’s blatant Islamophobia during the campaign, was aghast. Trump’s longtime friend Roger Stone said the speech made him “want to puke”. When Trump called Islam “one of the world’s great faiths” you could almost hear the base implode. Trump even seemed to scared to utter the phrase “radical Islamic terrorism”, despite the fact that he had berated Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton for doing the same thing for years. Trump’s most loyal supporters started calling him “President Cuck”.

The media was mostly unimpressed. The only effusive praise came from Breitbart, Steve Bannon’s old rag.

This is hardly a surprise. Trump has spent his life telling people just what they wanted to hear. He lies to everyone, and finally, in Trump’s clumsy attempt to appear presidential, they all saw him for what he is — someone who only has regard for himself and not even the slightest regard for the truth or the country. Reality TV is still TV, and isn’t actually real.

How bad is it? Even Trump’s wife reportedly swatted away his hand when he tried to touch her.

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Late Night Political Humor

[Jokes from Apr. 11, 2017]

That video of the doctor being dragged off the plane and then the airline’s response to it has turned into an absolute nightmare from a PR standpoint. Even Pepsi was like, I wouldn’t want to be you guys this week. – Jimmy Kimmel

Meanwhile, President Trump has been flying a lot lately, privately, of course. Donald Trump is on pace to spend more on travel in his first year as president than president Obama spent all eight years in office combined. The president’s trips to Florida every weekend have already cost more than $20 million of taxpayer money. See, this is the guy we need United to drag off the plane. – Jimmy Kimmel

Because of the scandals, “The O’Reilly Factor” has lost 2/3 of its advertisers in one week. On the bright side, United Airlines is still with him! – Conan O’Brien

Trump has also played 16 rounds of golf in his first 80 days, one round every five days. You turn on the TV, a lot of people are complaining Donald Trump’s off playing golf instead of working. I don’t understand that. I want him off playing golf instead of working. I’d like him to join the senior PGA tour. – Jimmy Kimmel

During his daily briefing, Sporty Spice, as he is known, made an absolutely incredible statement about Syrian President Assad, that if it wasn’t so disturbing, would have been Hitler-ious. He said, even someone as despicable as Hitler didn’t sink to using chemical weapons, which of course is very wrong. Sean Spicer might be the only press secretary who needs a press secretary. – Jimmy Kimmel

Secretary of State Rex Tillerson is in Russia, but Russian President Vladimir Putin won’t meet with him. Putin said, “Sorry but I only meet with members of the Trump administration before the election.” – Conan O’Brien

Today is the beginning of the Jewish holiday of Passover, where families gather for a meal and recall a story of ancient grievances. Or as that’s known in my family, “Thanksgiving”. – Conan O’Brien

This week, Jewish people all over the world are celebrating Passover. Or as I call it, the Festival of Missing Writers. – Conan O’Brien

This weekend, Bill Clinton tweeted that he was in Houston visiting Former President George H.W. Bush. However, he ended the tweet with #Alibi. – Conan O’Brien

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Hallelujah!

It is the end of the TV season for Saturday Night Live. When the show resumes, will Alec Baldwin have a job playing Donald Trump as president? Or could this mark the swan song for Trump as well?

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Saturday Night Humor

This weekend was the final episode of Saturday Night Live of the current TV season, and the Weekend Update was pretty hilarious!

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Late Night Political Humor

[Jokes from Apr. 10, 2017]

Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino from “Jersey Shore” is facing up to 15 years in prison on tax evasion charges. So basically, if you’re a reality star in this country and you don’t pay your taxes, we either put you in prison or make you President of the United States. – Conan O’Brien

Fox News said it will investigate multiple accusations against Bill O’Reilly for sexually harassing female co-workers. Apparently, for years O’Reilly has been telling female co-workers their breasts are “fair and balanced”. – Conan O’Brien

A Turkish Airline crew helped deliver a baby onboard a flight. And then in keeping with the times, the baby was dragged from the plane by security. – Conan O’Brien

Former NFL player Titus Young was sentenced to four years in prison. Young said he’s sad to go to prison but happy to be reunited with his old teammates. – Conan O’Brien

A package of salad mix that was sold in a Florida Walmart was found to contain a dead bat. This is shocking news – someone shopping at Walmart bought a salad. – Conan O’Brien

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Life Imitates Art


© Ruben Bolling

This will be much funnier to you if you are a fan of Calvin and Hobbes. I miss Bill Watterson. And as one person commented about this strip, “ironically, Calvin has more maturity than our current sitting p(R)esident.”

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Late Night Political Humor

[Jokes from Apr. 6, 2017]

The fight continues over the confirmation of Supreme Court nominee Neil Gorsuch. And today, in the Senate, was a battle royal with cheese, because the Democrats took a stand. Democrats successfully filibustered President Trump’s Supreme Court nominee, Neil Gorsuch. Woo-hoo! They did it! Yeah! They did it! Democrats won! For about an hour. – Stephen Colbert

The rule change was getting rid of the filibuster, a last resort commonly known as the “nuclear option”. And it’s called the “nuclear option” because they need some part of it to sound exciting. – Stephen Colbert

Donald Trump says he is skipping the White House Correspondents Dinner. Of course, New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie is furious. Christie, as you know, has never skipped a dinner in his life. – Jimmy Fallon

President Trump today met with the president of China at his Mar-a-Lago resort. And things got off to an awkward start when Trump said, “I thought you were really funny in the ‘Hangover’ movies.” – Seth Meyers

Donald Trump made an extraordinary claim to The New York Times about a Democratic congressman: “Elijah Cummings was in my office, and he said, ‘You will go down as one of the great presidents in the history of our country.’” Really? I get the “you will go down” part, but, after that, you kind of lost me. – Stephen Colbert

A so-called Museum of Failure is opening in Sweden this June. Though, if you can’t wait that long, [shows photo of White House] check out the pop-up exhibit in Washington. – Seth Meyers

Nunes is stepping aside because the House Ethics Committee is determined to investigate allegations that Nunes may have made unauthorized disclosures of classified information. “Good news, Congressman Nunes! We found the leaker! He’s in your mirror.” – Stephen Colbert

Quarterback Colin Kaepernick has done a complete 180. He now says he WILL stand for the national anthem. He’s now sitting for the games, but he’s standing for the anthem. – Jimmy Fallon

A New Jersey man recently admitted to stealing $20,000 worth of ginger ale from a grocery store. He said he wasn’t planning on stealing so much, he just got Schwepped up in it. – Seth Meyers

Caitlyn Jenner told Diane Sawyer she is writing her autobiography. I think that’s going to be one of those “he said, she said” deals. – Jimmy Fallon

A new study found that plastic surgeons make an average of $354,000 per year. “I am shocked,” said one woman’s face but not her mouth. – Seth Meyers

According to the National Enquirer, Kanye West and Kim Kardashian are headed for divorce. I don’t believe it. I don’t think he would ever leave her behind. – Jimmy Fallon

At the Academy of Country Music Awards, Willie Nelson announced he was writing his memoirs. He said in his memoirs, he will explain how marijuana has affected his life. Here’s how it affected his life: He started writing his memoir in 1946. – Jimmy Fallon

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Leaker in Chief


© Adam Zyglis

When I saw this comic, I mistakenly read the third word as “Orifice” instead of “Office”.

Donald Trump is still complaining bitterly about all the leaks in his administration, and yet he seems to be as guilty as anyone.

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Late Night Political Humor

[Jokes from Apr. 5, 2017]

Donald Trump’s positive performance mark is now down to 35 percent. Only about a third of Americans polled say they’re happy with his job performance. Sixty-six percent say they don’t think he’s level-headed. In his defense, how is his head supposed to stay level when his hair keeps trying to chase every squirrel? – Jimmy Kimmel

President Trump’s approval rating dropped and is now at just 35 percent. Or as Trump calls it, “20 under par. I’m doing FANTASTIC!” – Jimmy Fallon

It’s not just the poll, even ISIS is piling on. A spokesman for ISIS released a statement yesterday saying America is drowning, we’re bankrupt, and we’re being run by an idiot. You hate to agree with anything ISIS says. But I don’t know, maybe we are being run by an idiot, maybe we are drowning and bankrupt. But I want to be very clear: If we are those things, you guys in ISIS had nothing to do with that. We chose this bankrupt idiot to drown us ourselves. – Jimmy Kimmel

I read that Trump’s photographer always brings a stool to events, and photographs Trump from above so he looks taller. While Trump has him shoot his approval ratings from BELOW, so they look HIGHER. – Jimmy Fallon

Donald Trump has removed his good buddy and chief strategist Steve Bannon from the National Security Council. This is quite a humiliating move that has very much left Steve Bannon red-faced, although that is his complexion anyway. – James Corden

In a statement to The Wall Street Journal, Bannon said leaving the Security Council was always his plan. Really? It sounds like this administration’s entire strategy has been failing and then acting like they meant to do that. They’re like, “Yeah, our healthcare bill failed. It’s exactly what we planned.” – James Corden

You might not have been aware but Monday was Send Your Son-in-Law to Iraq Day. President Trump sent his daughter’s husband, Jared Kushner, to Baghdad to meet with the Iraqi prime minister and the chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. The military posted a bunch of photographs of Jared’s spring break. I found them on Flickr last night. – Jimmy Kimmel

President Trump said today that he is “working very, very hard” to create peace between Israel and Palestine. Said Trump, “They are absolutely my two favorite Real Housewives.” – Seth Meyers

During an interview with Forbes published yesterday, Trump’s son, Eric Trump, said he might be where he is because of nepotism but that is just a “factor of life”. Wow, Eric sounds pretty smug. But then again he inherited that from his father too. – James Corden

Also, “factor of life” is not a thing people say, is it? I think what he meant to say is it’s a FACT of life — or he meant to say “I’m not the smart son, please stop asking me questions.” – James Corden

Pepsi is facing criticism for a controversial new ad that shows a bunch of people protesting, and then Kendall Jenner steps in and solves everyone’s problems by handing the police officer a Pepsi. And even in the commercial, the cop’s like, “Are you all out of Coke?” – Jimmy Fallon

We have a deeply divided nation. But today it seems like everyone has come together to join the protest against the new protest ad from Pepsi. – Stephen Colbert

Today, North Korea conducted a missile test, which escalated tensions in the region. But don’t worry — things settled down when Kendall Jenner stepped in and handed them a Pepsi. – Jimmy Fallon

This commercial, it’s quite a concept. Basically Kendall Jenner is posing for a photo shoot, then a protest march happens by — a hip-looking protest march — and ultimately she joins in and brings everyone together. She ends racism by handing a Pepsi to a police officer. And then everyone dances away. It is so ill-advised. I’ve watched it 27 times now. I still can’t figure out what the protesters are supposed to be protesting. – Jimmy Kimmel

It starts with a throng of beautiful, multiethnic people protesting in the streets of, I’m going to guess Newport, Rhode Island. So far, we don’t know what has caused all of America’s hot extras to take to the streets, but I’m guessing it’s a protest for Attractive Lives Matter. – Stephen Colbert

The signs they’re holding aren’t much help figuring things out. They say things like “peace” and the peace symbol, and “Join the conversation”. That’s the most corporate message of all time. They might as well be holding signs that say, “We are all the core demographic.” – Stephen Colbert

At first, this was a movement without a leader until the protest route just happened to pass by Kendall Jenner doing a fashion shoot for aluminum siding. This commercial ends with a message even more profound than “Join the conversation”: “Live for now”. – Stephen Colbert

Yes, “live … for now,” especially if you’re Pepsi’s marketing department, because I don’t think you guys are going to be there for long. – Stephen Colbert

I will assume that by now you’ve seen or at least heard about that Pepsi commercial with Kendall Jenner. It’s absolutely nuts. Pepsi was trending on Twitter last night. I was like, oh my God, Pepsi died. Turned out I was right, it did. – Jimmy Kimmel

Today Pepsi pulled the ad and apologized. They apologized to Kendall Jenner. “Sorry we paid you $3 million to be in the worst commercial ever, Kendall Jenner.” Everyone was so mad. The only people who weren’t mad? The people at Coke weren’t mad, they loved it. – Jimmy Kimmel

Apparently Barry Manilow announced today that he is gay. Also scientific research found that the sky is blue. And sugar is sweet. Lots of interesting stuff happening today in the news. – Jimmy Fallon

According to a new report, Amazon is now worth twice as much as Walmart. In response, Walmart announced that they’re planning to open a second checkout lane. – Seth Meyers

The shoe store Payless is filing for bankruptcy and closing nearly 400 stores in the United States. Yes, 400 shoe stores closed, but thousands of soles lost. The problem was their work ethic. Most of Payless was just a bunch of loafers. – James Corden

The Cleveland Zoo announced today that its rare black rhinoceros is pregnant. They made the announcement right after she confirmed it with her rhino-cologist. – Seth Meyers

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As I say, I do

It seems like almost everything Donald Trump complains about, he himself is guilty of. Here is a tweet from 2012 that is yet another example:

Well, we got an independent investigation anyway, but the Justice Department had to do it behind the back of the White House.

Ironically, everyone on both sides of the aisle seems to be happy about it. In fact, even Donald Trump took the news without throwing a temper tantrum. That’s the good news today — Trump bowed to the inevitable without publicly embarrassing himself or the country. We are so easily surprised.

UPDATE: Of course, Trump later unleashed a tweet storm, saying that the investigation is “the single greatest witch hunt of a politician in American history“. Cough, Benghazi. Trump also accused Obama and Clinton of “illegal acts”.

Speaking of “acts”, while the Israeli government is smart to avoid criticizing Donald Trump for giving terrorism intelligence to the Russians that was originally supplied by Israel, former Israeli spymasters were highly critical of Trump. For example, the former head of the Israeli intelligence agency called Trump a “bull in a china shop” and said “If tomorrow I were asked to pass information to the CIA, I would do everything I could to not pass it to them.” Is this how Trump is going to protect us from terrorism?

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Late Night Political Humor

[Jokes from Apr. 4, 2017]

This week, the National Archives reached out to the White House and requested that all of the president’s tweets be saved and preserved for history. Future generations: I’m so, so sorry. – James Corden

The National Archives and Records Administration in Washington, D.C. — this is where they store the Constitution, the Declaration of Independence, the Gettysburg Address — they have asked the White House to save all of President Trump’s tweets. It’s important to have all the president’s tweets so that future historians will be able to go back and see what was on Fox News that day. – Jimmy Kimmel

I heard that the White House is saving all of President Trump’s tweets, so they can be stored in the National Archives. That way future generations can read Kennedy’s journals, Lincoln’s diaries, and Trump’s insults about Arnold Schwarzenegger. – Jimmy Fallon

The National Archives will showcase all the great pillars of American democracy — the Declaration of Independence, the U.S. Constitution, and the “I have never seen a thin person drinking Diet Coke” tweet. – James Corden

On the bright side, one day we will have a movie where Nicolas Cage tries to steal that tweet. – James Corden

I think there’s already a service that archives all the tweets from Donald Trump’s Twitter account; it’s called Donald Trump’s Twitter account. – Jimmy Kimmel

These tweets will be saved for “historical value.” And they’ll be filed under “impeachment evidence.” – James Corden

Yesterday the president signed a bill that will allow internet service providers to collect and share your personal information and search histories without asking your permission to do it. Now these big companies can see every detail of our lives online. We still can’t see his tax returns, but they can see everything we look at. – Jimmy Kimmel

There are still a lot of people unhappy with our new president. At the opening-day game for the Washington Nationals, fans unfurled a giant “Impeach Trump” banner in the stadium. Here’s a question: If I can’t get a bottle of water into a game, how did these guys get a 40-foot banner in? – James Corden

Donald Trump donated the first three months of his presidential salary to the National Park Service. That tremor you just felt was all four presidents on Mount Rushmore rolling their eyes. – James Corden

Trump is also the one who wants to cut funding to the national parks. So this is like sending flowers to the funeral of somebody you just murdered. – James Corden

President Trump said today that his infrastructure plan could cost more than the projected $1 trillion. Said Trump, “I don’t want to alarm anyone, but it could go as high as a bajillion.” – Seth Meyers

The Trump administration recently hired a man whose name turned up on a list of accounts released in the 2015 hack of the cheating website Ashley Madison. Even crazier, that’s all it said on his resume. – Seth Meyers

Virginia police are investigating vandalism at Trump National Golf Club over the weekend. They found graffiti that said, “Help, I don’t want to be president anymore.” – Seth Meyers

The White House has just released the official portrait of first lady Melania Trump. Here it is. It doesn’t look like a first lady portrait, does it? It looks like a brochure for a two-day real estate seminar. “Grow rich with no money down!” – James Corden

Today was National Hug a Newsperson Day. But if you see Bill O’Reilly, maybe just go with a fist bump. – Seth Meyers

The NCAA tournament is over. Now all we have is Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, and Twitter to distract us from working while we’re at work. – Jimmy Kimmel

Oreos just launched a new limited edition flavor called “Cookies & Creme.” Or as it’s also known – Oreos. That’s all it is! Cookies and creme. What’s wrong with this world!? – Jimmy Fallon

I saw that Dictionary.com just added 300 new words, including “man bun” and “sext.” As in, “If you have a man bun, you will never receive a sext.” – Jimmy Fallon

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Impeachable Offenses?


© Jen Sorensen

At this point, Donald Trump has screwed up so badly that it will make it next to impossible for the Republicans to pass any of their more radical agenda like repealing the ACA, privatizing Medicare, further widening the gap between wealthy and poor by rewriting the tax code, or destroying the environment.

In fact, we should no longer be hoping that Trump gets impeached, as Mike Pence combined with a Republican Congress would probably do far more damage to the US. Well, unless Trump decides that we need a pre-emptive nuclear strike against some country that annoys him.

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Projections

Washington DC artist Robin Bell projected animated anti-Trump messages on the Trump International Hotel in DC, including “emoluments welcome here” and “pay Trump bribes here”. The messages protest the fact that Trump gains financially from the hotel, which makes money from foreign governments. The emoluments clause of the constitution prohibits government officials from making money from foreign governments.

The projections were only up for 6 minutes before the hotel demanded that they turn them off, but it was long enough for an open-top tour bus to go by. The tourists on the bus reportedly cheered at the sight.

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