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Late Night Political Humor

[Jokes from Jun 6, 2017]

A highly classified document was just leaked, and it suggests that Russia may have hacked into our voting systems before the election. You could tell the report was “highly classified” because it was marked, “Don’t Show Trump.” – Jimmy Fallon

The NSA contractor who leaked the document is a woman named Reality Winner. When he was asked if he had any contact with the leaker, Trump said, “Nope, I’m TOTALLY out of touch with Reality.” – Jimmy Fallon

Now, all along, Donald Trump has said the entire Russia story is “fake news”. And there is no way to know whether this document that was released was real … other than the fact that the leaker was immediately arrested. “Fake news, real prison.” – Stephen Colbert

The Department of Justice charged a federal contractor named Reality Leigh Winner yesterday with leaking classified materials to the press about Russia’s meddling in the election. This is a confusing story, so let me try to break it down: Reality Winner leaked information about a reality denier who tried to influence the election to support a reality host who is detached from reality. – Seth Meyers

A top-secret NSA report detailed Russian hacking efforts days before the 2016 election. Days before? Come on, Guccifer. That’s poor planning. You can’t leave your hacking to the last minute. Put some thought into it. No one wants an election you just picked up at Walgreens. – Stephen Colbert

It turns out Russia actually hacked the company that makes our voting machines. Which explains why anyone who pressed on “Hillary Clinton” heard a voice go “Try again”. – Jimmy Fallon

After the hackers gained access to the company’s accounts, they then sent “an email to trick local U.S. government employees into opening documents that were ‘invisibly tainted with potent malware’.” OK, they sent it to the poll workers. This is how democracy ends, with a fake email sent to the ancient cat lady manning the polling station at your high school gym. – Stephen Colbert

According to reports, four top law firms have turned down requests from the White House to represent President Trump during the Russia investigation. Man, how guilty do have you to be when a lawyer won’t even take your case? – Seth Meyers

So who really knows who won November 8? I mean, other than Vladimir Putin. I’m a little rusty on my Constitution, but I guess that means … new election? Sure, let’s have another one! Let’s just get the band back together. Somebody find Jeb and wake him up. – Stephen Colbert

A new study found that kids are bullying each other with Donald Trump’s words. The good news is, most kids outgrow Trump’s vocabulary by the time they’re 11. – Conan O’Brien

Trump’s been causing a lot of problems with the things he’s tweeted recently, but the White House says he isn’t concerned with being politically correct. Then they clarified their statement and said he isn’t even concerned about being correct. – Jimmy Fallon

A new report came out and it says that Donald Trump once shifted charitable donations for sick kids into his own business. Trump referred to the charity as the “Take a Wish Foundation”. – Conan O’Brien

Education Secretary Betsy DeVos said that while schools receiving federal funds must abide by federal civil rights laws, the department will not enter decrees on things like LGBT discrimination. Coincidentally, LGBT is also how Betsy DeVos thinks you spell discrimination. – Seth Meyers

It’s nice to be here in England. After two and a half years of presidential campaigning in America, I was, like, “Where can I go for another bitter, soul-sucking election?” – James Corden

We are here in the beautiful historic Central Hall Westminster. There is so much amazing history in this building. Gandhi spoke here, Martin Luther King, Jr. gave a speech here, and Winston Churchill spoke in this very hall. And despite all that, they still allowed me to do a show here. – James Corden

Yes, there’s a big election coming up this week in the U.K. Actually, this venue is going to be a polling station. Raise your hand if you didn’t even know there was going to be a show here tonight, you were just trying to beat the lines. – James Corden

We talk about Donald Trump almost every night on this show, but I thought when I came here to London I’d finally get away from him for a little while. And then I get here, and who does he start a fight with? The mayor of London! While I’m in the city! He’s following me! – James Corden

Following salmonella outbreaks across the country, the Centers for Disease Control is urging chicken owners to stop snuggling with their birds. Though if you’re snuggling with chickens, salmonella is, like, your fifth biggest problem. – Seth Meyers

There’s a proposed bill in New York that would allow medical marijuana to be prescribed for menstrual cramps. Which is why millions of men in New York are now saying “It is my time of the month.” – Conan O’Brien

The owner of the world’s largest private collection of “Star Wars” memorabilia says someone stole $200,000 worth of his collectibles. On the plus side, the collector is reporting that his virginity is still in “mint condition”. – Conan O’Brien

The game show “Cash Cab” is coming back to the Discovery Channel! It’s a show where the driver asks passengers questions from the second they get into the car until they reach their destination — or as it’s called now, “Uber”. – Jimmy Fallon

Astronomers are saying that a mysterious signal from space was caused by gas surrounding a comet. Of course, the comet is claiming the gas came from its dog. – Conan O’Brien

After 14 years, the CEO of J. Crew is stepping down. He said he wants to take a Gap year. – Conan O’Brien

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Depp?

On Thursday, Johnny Depp put his foot in it at a film screening in the UK. It started with him making jokes about Donald Trump, who is rather unpopular in Europe. But he took one joke too far, asking “When was the last time an actor assassinated a president?” referring to John Wilkes Booth and Abraham Lincoln.

Depp was wrong to joke about assassination, and he realized it immediately, backtracked, and apologized.

But it was too late for Depp. The White House immediately attacked him, issuing a statement:

President Trump has condemned violence in all forms and its sad that others like Johnny Depp have not followed his lead. I hope that some of Mr. Depp’s colleagues will speak out against this type of rhetoric as strongly as they would if his comments were directed to a democrat [sic] elected official.

Donald Trump should take this advice and speak out against violent rhetoric when it is directed at Democrats.

Rather than condemning it, Donald Trump has encouraged violence repeatedly, including saying that protesters against him should be “roughed up” and offering to pay legal bills for anyone who did so.

But what is really hypocritical about this statement is that the same day that this statement was released, Trump received Al Baldasaro at the White House. Baldasaro made headlines a year ago when he declared that Hillary Clinton “should be shot” for treason.

But you know what, I almost made a false equivalence here. Because while even Fox News realizes that Depp was making a poor joke, Baldasaro was serious.

Likewise, Trump has also welcomed Ted Nugent to the White House, even though Nugent repeatedly talked about killing Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton. And Nugent was not making a joke.

When will Trump speak out against the violent rhetoric of Baldasaro and Nugent?

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Obama on Health Care Repeal

[This was posted to Facebook yesterday by Barack Obama.]

Our politics are divided. They have been for a long time. And while I know that division makes it difficult to listen to Americans with whom we disagree, that’s what we need to do today.

I recognize that repealing and replacing the Affordable Care Act has become a core tenet of the Republican Party. Still, I hope that our Senators, many of whom I know well, step back and measure what’s really at stake, and consider that the rationale for action, on health care or any other issue, must be something more than simply undoing something that Democrats did.

We didn’t fight for the Affordable Care Act for more than a year in the public square for any personal or political gain – we fought for it because we knew it would save lives, prevent financial misery, and ultimately set this country we love on a better, healthier course.

Nor did we fight for it alone. Thousands upon thousands of Americans, including Republicans, threw themselves into that collective effort, not for political reasons, but for intensely personal ones – a sick child, a parent lost to cancer, the memory of medical bills that threatened to derail their dreams.

And you made a difference. For the first time, more than ninety percent of Americans know the security of health insurance. Health care costs, while still rising, have been rising at the slowest pace in fifty years. Women can’t be charged more for their insurance, young adults can stay on their parents’ plan until they turn 26, contraceptive care and preventive care are now free. Paying more, or being denied insurance altogether due to a preexisting condition – we made that a thing of the past.

We did these things together. So many of you made that change possible.

At the same time, I was careful to say again and again that while the Affordable Care Act represented a significant step forward for America, it was not perfect, nor could it be the end of our efforts – and that if Republicans could put together a plan that is demonstrably better than the improvements we made to our health care system, that covers as many people at less cost, I would gladly and publicly support it.

That remains true. So I still hope that there are enough Republicans in Congress who remember that public service is not about sport or notching a political win, that there’s a reason we all chose to serve in the first place, and that hopefully, it’s to make people’s lives better, not worse.

But right now, after eight years, the legislation rushed through the House and the Senate without public hearings or debate would do the opposite. It would raise costs, reduce coverage, roll back protections, and ruin Medicaid as we know it. That’s not my opinion, but rather the conclusion of all objective analyses, from the nonpartisan Congressional Budget Office, which found that 23 million Americans would lose insurance, to America’s doctors, nurses, and hospitals on the front lines of our health care system.

The Senate bill, unveiled today, is not a health care bill. It’s a massive transfer of wealth from middle-class and poor families to the richest people in America. It hands enormous tax cuts to the rich and to the drug and insurance industries, paid for by cutting health care for everybody else. Those with private insurance will experience higher premiums and higher deductibles, with lower tax credits to help working families cover the costs, even as their plans might no longer cover pregnancy, mental health care, or expensive prescriptions. Discrimination based on pre-existing conditions could become the norm again. Millions of families will lose coverage entirely.

Simply put, if there’s a chance you might get sick, get old, or start a family – this bill will do you harm. And small tweaks over the course of the next couple weeks, under the guise of making these bills easier to stomach, cannot change the fundamental meanness at the core of this legislation.

I hope our Senators ask themselves – what will happen to the Americans grappling with opioid addiction who suddenly lose their coverage? What will happen to pregnant mothers, children with disabilities, poor adults and seniors who need long-term care once they can no longer count on Medicaid? What will happen if you have a medical emergency when insurance companies are once again allowed to exclude the benefits you need, send you unlimited bills, or set unaffordable deductibles? What impossible choices will working parents be forced to make if their child’s cancer treatment costs them more than their life savings?

To put the American people through that pain – while giving billionaires and corporations a massive tax cut in return – that’s tough to fathom. But it’s what’s at stake right now. So it remains my fervent hope that we step back and try to deliver on what the American people need.

That might take some time and compromise between Democrats and Republicans. But I believe that’s what people want to see. I believe it would demonstrate the kind of leadership that appeals to Americans across party lines. And I believe that it’s possible – if you are willing to make a difference again. If you’re willing to call your members of Congress. If you are willing to visit their offices. If you are willing to speak out, let them and the country know, in very real terms, what this means for you and your family.

After all, this debate has always been about something bigger than politics. It’s about the character of our country – who we are, and who we aspire to be. And that’s always worth fighting for.

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Trump Embarrassed?

Yesterday, Donald Trump finally admitted that he didn’t make any recordings of his conversations with James Comey. This was an issue because Trump tried to threaten Comey by implicating that there might be such recordings.

So there are two questions. First, why did Trump wait until yesterday? When Congress asked whether such recordings exist, why didn’t he just admit it then? A big hint is that he admitted that there are no recordings in a tweet at 1pm Eastern time, which is not when Trump normally tweets, but it was timed to be at virtually the same exact time as when the Senate revealed their new health care bill.

And it worked. For example, the front page of the NY Times was all about the health care repeal bill, but Trump’s tweet was covered in a single paragraph on page 19. Likewise on all the major news sites and newspapers.

I guess this is what Trump does when he is called on something embarrassing. Trump’s attempt to threaten Comey backfired, because Comey testified that he sure wishes that such recordings exist.

Second, can we believe Trump? I think it is just as likely that Trump does have recordings, but they make Trump look even worse. We may never know, but either way it would have been an embarrassment for Trump.

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Late Night Political Humor

[Jokes from Jun 5, 2017]

Last week, President Trump announced the United States will withdraw from the Paris climate agreement. Trump said he wants the entire country to be the same temperature as a Florida golf course. – Jimmy Fallon

In Michigan, a Republican congressman said that God would “take care of” climate change. So now, a group of polar bears are on their way to “take care of” a Republican congressman in Michigan. – Conan O’Brien

In protest of President Trump abandoning the Paris climate accord, the CEO of Disney has resigned from Trump’s business advisory council. It’s not a good sign when a company led by a giant talking mouse is telling the president to be more realistic. – Conan O’Brien

Hillary Clinton’s running mate, Tim Kaine, tweeted that Trump is pulling out of it because he’s jealous of Obama. Then Kaine waited for one of his 25 followers to retweet him. – Jimmy Fallon

But to show its commitment to honoring the agreement, New York City lit up its buildings in green. Though if we’re really worried about the environment — how about we DON’T light up each of our buildings all night? – Jimmy Fallon

The White House announced today that they’re kicking off “Infrastructure Week.” It’s like Shark Week, except American infrastructure might actually kill you. – Stephen Colbert

It started with Trump’s plan to turn the air traffic control functions of the FAA into a nonprofit corporation. Although, to be fair, any company Trump runs is eventually nonprofit. – Stephen Colbert

You know how the Trump administration kept insisting that his travel ban wasn’t a travel ban? Well, at 6:25 this morning the president weighed in on that himself. He wrote, “People, the lawyers and the courts can call it whatever they want but I am calling it what we need, and what it is, a TRAVEL BAN.” – Jimmy Kimmel

It’s like the last five minutes of an episode of “Law & Order: SVU” where the murderer tells Mariska Hargitay everything: “It was a travel ban all along.” – Jimmy Kimmel

This has to be maddening for White House “stress secretary” Sean Spicer. This is a guy, he specifically went out in front of the press and insisted that this was not a travel ban. And now Trump is in all-caps saying it is a travel ban. – Jimmy Kimmel

I know this happened five days ago, but I will not be denied the chance to enjoy Trump’s tweet from just after midnight last Wednesday: “Despite the constant negative press covfefe.” OK. Strong statement. Bold. Presidential. Reminds of the first draft of the Gettysburg address: “Four score and seven ratselttab.” – Stephen Colbert

Of course, the internet lost their covfefe over this. Why did the president type that? It was the new “What color is the dress?” But instead of “white versus blue,” it was “sleepy versus stroke”. – Stephen Colbert

The “Wonder Woman” movie shattered the glass ceiling, breaking $100 million in box office sales. In fact, the only way “Wonder Woman” could have done better is if she had campaigned in Wisconsin. – Conan O’Brien

“Wonder Woman” made $100 million at the box office this weekend. Meanwhile, Wonder Man made $121 million for doing the same job. – Seth Meyers

Several panelists on Fox News accused “Wonder Woman” of not being American enough because her costume isn’t red, white and blue. They’re also saying to really be American, it should be a double XL. – Conan O’Brien

“Wonder Woman” made over $100 million at the box office this weekend, and beat “Captain Underpants.” But I think Captain Underpants is in denial — he’s been handing out electoral maps to show the theaters where he won. – Jimmy Fallon

A new study claims that popular people may live longer than unpopular people. If that’s true, Shia LaBeouf died in 1982. – Conan O’Brien

Walmart is offering a new service where employees will deliver items to your house on their way home from work. Not only that — they’ll also deliver the items in a Target bag so your neighbors think you’re classy. – Jimmy Fallon

At a Walmart in Minnesota, a customer had to tackle a confused deer after it wandered into the store. The deer is fine and was released back into the wild, which makes this the happiest possible ending to a story of a deer walking into one of America’s largest suppliers of hunting rifles. – James Corden

Walmart is already trying to capitalize on this by changing their slogan to “Walmart: Where You Can Always Save a Buck.” – James Corden

A Texas man went on a date to see “Guardians of the Galaxy 2,” and is now suing his date for texting during the movie. He thinks he can sue her for texting. Who does this man think he is — the Guardian of the Samsung Galaxy? – James Corden

The man said texting during a movie is “one of my biggest pet peeves.” Now, pet peeves are not what lawsuits are for. You don’t sue someone because they say expresso instead of espresso. – James Corden

It’s going to make it very hard for him on future dates. It’s going to be like, “So how did your last relationship end”? And he will be like, “On an episode of ‘Judge Judy’.” – James Corden

Two Papa John’s employees in Washington State were arrested this week for allegedly delivering cocaine in pizza boxes. Authorities became suspicious when Papa John’s started getting five-star Yelp reviews that were 47 paragraphs long. – Seth Meyers

Today, 15 new features were revealed about the upcoming iPhone 8. The biggest new feature is the battery that only lasts until the announcement of the iPhone 9. – Conan O’Brien

Did you watch the game last night? Turned out to be not so great this year. The Warriors clobbered the Cavaliers again. Beat them by 19 points. They won the first game by 22 points. I’m hoping the next few games are closer. If I wanted to see a bunch of blowouts I’d watch Fox News, folks. – Jimmy Kimmel

A boy in Maryland this weekend was trapped in an arcade claw machine after climbing through the prize door. Luckily, rescuers were able to get him out after about 35 quarters. – Seth Meyers

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Promising the Moon


© Tom Toles

The Republicans are still trying to repeal Obamacare. It is ironic that back when Obama was president, the Republicans didn’t have any problem passing bills to repeal the ACA, because they knew that Obama would veto them. But now, even though they control both houses of Congress and the presidency, they can’t do squat because they are too chickenshit to live with the consequences.

Despite almost a decade of lying propaganda designed to make Obamacare unpopular (remember “Death Panels”?) the ACA is so popular (even with its flaws) that the Republicans are afraid to do what they have promised their base. Instead, they claim that the Democrats are obstructionists, which is hilarious on so many levels.

They are still the party of no — they have no policy ideas of their own so everything they do is just repealing and destroying anything done by Obama and the Democrats. They claim they are making America great again, but does anyone really want to go back to the 50s (the Cold War and fear of nuclear armageddon)? Or worse. They may take us back to the 40s (WWII) or the 30s (Great Depression). At the rate they are currently going, it could be all of the above.

But now they are in a quandary. In order to cut taxes for the rich, they have to come up with some cash so they can pass the tax cuts using budget reconciliation. So they are promising everything — including coverage of preexisting conditions and lower premiums — while their only real goal is to save enough money to cut taxes for the rich. So they lie and make promises that are impossible to keep. They don’t let anyone read the bill or evaluate it and instead wait until the last minute (before Congress goes into recess for the rest of the summer) to reveal it and insist that everyone pass it.

It is not a pretty sight.


© Mike Luckovich

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Late Night Political Humor

[Jokes from Jun 1, 2017]

President Trump rang in the 1st of June with a major announcement. No one loves to announce an announcement more than Donald Trump. On Twitter last night, he wrote, “I will be announcing my decision on Paris accord Thursday at 3:00 P.M., the White House Rose Garden, make America great again.” It made sense that he did it from the Rose Garden. While we still have roses and gardens. – Jimmy Kimmel

This deal that Trump backed out of, this is a deal that was signed by 194 other countries. The only two countries who are not part of the Paris accord, besides us, are Nicaragua and Syria. And they’re doing great. I guess it’s not a surprise, the fact that he pulled out. The president has been very big on pulling out ever since he had Donald Jr. – Jimmy Kimmel

Meanwhile, I’m sure you know about covfefe at this point, right? So just after midnight yesterday the president wrote, “Despite the constant negative press covfefe.” And that was it. And with that puzzling half-sentence, for a brief shining moment, Donald Trump made Twitter great again. – Jimmy Kimmel

Twitter went absolutely berserk. Not since Phil Collins gave us the word “Susudio” has a nation been so utterly fascinated and perplexed. You know a typo is bad when even Melania is like, ‘I’m pretty sure that’s not English, Donald.’ Even after Trump deleted the tweet, which he almost never does, Sean Spicer claimed it was intentional. He said it wasn’t a typo or a stroke. – Jimmy Kimmel

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The Trump Kleptocracy

Donald Trump wants to slash funding for government programs that provide housing for the poor and combat homelessness. Well, with a bigly exception. The government is proposing to leave intact a housing subsidy that is paid directly to private landlords. Including Trump and his siblings.

When Fred Trump died, he left an interest in the largest subsidized housing project in America (which contains 46 tower buildings near the JFK airport in Brooklyn) to his children, including Donald Trump. The Trump children make a rich steady income from this. According to his recent financial disclosure form, Donald Trump alone made at least $5 million from that project last year. Trump once called that project “one of the best investments I ever made”, even though it was his father who made the investment (Donald only inherited it). And he has refused to divest himself of it, despite the obvious conflict of interest.

Of course, there is no evidence that Trump influenced this decision, which was made by HUD. However, Trump is about to nominate Lynne Patton to lead the HUD department in the New York region. Patton is an event planner who has no experience in housing. Her main qualifications seem to be that she was a former (unpaid) VP of Eric Trump’s foundation, and she helped plan his wedding. She also has a history of substance abuse.

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Late Night Political Humor

[Jokes from May 30, 2017]

We are back to work after a long weekend. It didn’t feel like a long weekend. But technically it was. I hope you had a fine Memorial Day. I hope you took time to remember the men and women who risked and sacrificed their lives so the rest of us can eat yogurt out of a tube. – Jimmy Kimmel

Memorial Day’s become the unofficial start to summer. Summer doesn’t technically start until next month. That didn’t stop me from wearing a bikini all weekend. – Jimmy Kimmel

A Memorial Day video made it’s rounds where you can see mysterious red lights flashing in or on the second floor window at the White House. This went on for about 20 minutes. And White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer said the red light was the reflection of an ambulance in Lafayette Park. So the one thing we know for sure is the red light was definitely not the reflection of an ambulance in Lafayette Park. – Jimmy Kimmel

Maybe it was the alarm that goes off when President Trump tries to get into Melania’s bedroom. – Jimmy Kimmel

There’s a new report that says more than half of American workers didn’t use all their vacation days last year. They had them, they just didn’t take them. So the people who did the study asked why. Some said they did it to impress their boss with their work ethic. The rest said, I hate my family. – Jimmy Kimmel

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The Cabinet of Honesty

Tom Tomorrow
© Tom Tomorrow

I like the electoral college maps in the background.

Will the voters in this country wake up someday and realize what an absolutely colossal mess they got us into? Or will they be so embarrassed that we will never admit their folly?

Or asking the same question in a completely different way, will we ever really recover from this mess, or is this the beginning of the end for a once proud nation that declared itself “the land of the free and the home of the brave”?

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Late Night Political Humor

[Jokes from May 25, 2017]

This NATO summit was a chance for Trump to hobnob with a number of world leaders and flex his diplomatic muscles — sometimes literally. He kind of pushes his way past the prime minister of Montenegro, like a kid cutting the line for the ice cream truck. – Jimmy Kimmel

Meanwhile, Trump continues his trip in Europe. While visiting NATO headquarters today in Brussels, he was caught on camera rudely shoving another world leader out of the way. I mean, is he a president or a bridesmaid positioning to catch the bouquet? – James Corden

During a NATO meeting today, President Trump was seen pushing aside the prime minister of Montenegro so he could move to the front of the group. You’re a world leader, a world leader at a meeting of dignitaries and you act like they just called your number at KFC. – Seth Meyers

Trump tossed that guy aside like one of his ex-wives. – James Corden

President Trump addressed his fellow leaders today, he scolded them for not paying their fair share to support NATO and had one particularly harsh word for those who commit acts of terrorism. “All people who cherish life must unite in finding, exposing, and removing these killers and extremists. And yes, losers. They are losers.” That’ll learn ’em. He’s fighting terrorists the same way he fought Rosie O’Donnell. It doesn’t work. – Jimmy Kimmel

Trump is in Belgium right now, which is six hours ahead of us. He kind of liked that because when he sends a crazy tweet at 3:00 a.m., it looks like a thoughtful post at 9:00 p.m. – Jimmy Fallon

Today, President Trump had lunch with French President Emmanuel Macron, who was just sworn in 11 days ago. Trump was like, “Well, 11 days, you must be on your, like, 50th scandal by now?” – Jimmy Fallon

I’ve been paying such close attention to the travels of Donald Trump, it’s almost like he took me on the trip with him. – Jimmy Kimmel

Former President Obama reportedly received a rock star welcome at an event in Germany today, and President Trump was given a subway mariachi band welcome. – Seth Meyers

A new poll reveals that only 1 in 4 Americans believes President Trump has actually “drained the swamp”. However, 3 out of 4 Americans believe Trump has “peed in the pool”. – Conan O’Brien

Government officials confirmed this afternoon that a person of interest in the FBI’s Russia investigation is Trump’s son-in-law, Jared Kushner. This comes at a bad time, because the Trump administration has just released its budget. Now they must be like, “Oh, we forgot to set aside bail money.” – James Corden

Last night, a Republican congressional candidate named Greg Gianforte apparently body-slammed a reporter. Some Republicans are defending him, saying the body slam wasn’t a big deal — which they might regret in three years when The Rock runs for president. – Jimmy Fallon

The Republican congressional candidate for a special election in Montana yesterday reportedly body-slammed a journalist after he asked a question about the Republican healthcare plan. Now, to be fair, that basically is the Republican healthcare plan. – Seth Meyers

It’s come out that the new Republican healthcare bill will hike premiums by 700 percent for the old and sick. It’s not a good sign that the title of the bill is “Walk It Off, Grandpa.” – Conan O’Brien

A college student in Florida is accused of breaking into a building and changing his grade from an “F” to a “B.” His parents were like, “Really, you can’t even get an ‘A’ when you’re cheating?” – Jimmy Fallon

The FAA is investigating why a drone appeared in the sky during a San Diego Padres game. Authorities have already ruled out the possibility that someone actually wanted to watch a Padres game. – Conan O’Brien

Today, Mark Zuckerberg — who dropped out of Harvard University after his sophomore year — gave a commencement speech to Harvard’s graduating class. Zuckerberg began the speech with, “Hello, suckers”. – Conan O’Brien

A new study from Harvard says you can reduce the risk of a potentially fatal heart condition by eating six bars of chocolate a week. Yeah. It reduces the chance of a heart attack because once you give up being in shape, you have way less stress. – James Corden

A new report recommends that couples who live together should do chores together. And for some couples, everything they do together is a chore. – Seth Meyers

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Communicator in Chief?


© Jim Morin

Despite Donald Trump tweeting “I am being investigated” this week, one of his lawyers is saying that Trump is not under investigation and blames the media. So, who are we to believe?

UPDATE: Speaking of bad communication, when the House first passed the AHCA, Trump and the Republicans praised the bill. Just a month ago Trump said “This is a great plan” and had a celebration at the White House. And why wouldn’t they celebrate? The Republicans (including Trump) have been promising to repeal Obamacare since before it was even law.

And then, a week ago, Trump opened his mouth and told Republican Senators that the bill passed by the House was “mean” and urging them to change it. I don’t disagree with Trump — the bill is mean — but just think of what it does to the Republicans.

The House bill was barely passed, mainly because the Tea Party Freedom Caucus didn’t like the original GOP bill (because it wasn’t mean enough). So if the Senate follows Trumps advice and makes the bill more generous, how will Trump get the House to agree to the revised bill? If this is Trump’s art of the deal, then it is bad art.

But that isn’t even the worst aspect of Trump’s shoot-from-the-hip comment. He just handed the Democrats a potent weapon against the Republicans in the 2018 midterm elections. Just imagine the ads showing Trump celebrating the passage of a bill that he himself says is “mean”. A majority of Americans like Obamacare and do not want it repealed. And the AHCA was very unpopular, with only 17% of Americans viewing it as positive. Every Republican who voted for the AHCA now has a target on their back.

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Late Night Political Humor

[Jokes from May 24, 2017]

Today was a historic day, a holy day. His Holiness met His Bigliness at the Vatican today. President Trump happened to be in Italy so he stopped by to say hello to Pope Francis. It went well. There are no major incidents. Trump felt very at home at the Vatican. He said it reminded him of one of the bathrooms at his house. – Jimmy Kimmel

Today, President Trump had his first meeting with Pope Francis at the Vatican. Everyone in the U.S. was watching closely and looking for some white smoke to see if we have a new president. – Jimmy Fallon

Today, President Trump was at the Vatican meeting with Pope Francis. The world leader who believes himself the embodiment of God on Earth said he’s a big fan of the Pope. – Conan O’Brien

That’s right, Trump met with the Pope. Though it got weird when Trump was like, “Jesus only had 12 followers? Sad. His tweets must’ve been terrible!” – Jimmy Fallon

At the Vatican the leaders exchanged gifts. The Pope gave the president a collection of writings, as well as a medal depicting an olive branch, the symbol of peace. And President Trump gave the pontiff a “Make America Great Again” hat. And a box of Trump steaks. – Jimmy Kimmel

While he was there, President Trump gave Pope Francis several books written by Martin Luther King. Then Trump said, “In my opinion, King’s best books were ‘The Shining’ and ‘Pet Sematary.’” – Conan O’Brien

After their meeting, the Pope gave Trump a medal featuring an olive branch. When Trump received it, he asked, “Does this mean I can eat for free at any Olive Garden? Or just here in Italy?” – Jimmy Fallon

The Pope made it clear he would like our president to join him in promoting peace, giving aid to the poor, and protecting our environment. The Pope is very persuasive. Unfortunately, Trump is only in year 70 of his 100-year deal with the devil right now. And he’s got a no-trade clause. – Jimmy Kimmel

During their meeting, the Pope gave President Trump a medal. Then Melania said, “Hey, if anyone deserves a medal here, it’s me!” – Conan O’Brien

President Trump and Pope Francis today had a 30-minute long meeting in the Pope’s private study. We don’t know what they talked about, but since it was only 30 minutes, we can assume it wasn’t confession. – Seth Meyers

So after their meeting, Trump said he would never forget what the Pope told him. Then he immediately forgot what the Pope told him. – Jimmy Kimmel

Pope Francis met with President Trump today at the Vatican. “Bless you, my child,” said the Pope to the driver that took Trump away. – Seth Meyers

According to the Senate, President Trump’s budget is dead on arrival. In other words, Trump’s budget is covered by Trump’s healthcare plan. – Conan O’Brien

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Unprovoked Attack

The White House has started attacking special counsel Robert Mueller. Why would they do that?

Donald Trump continues to say the investigation is a “witch hunt”, and even called it “the single greatest witch hunt of a politician in American history”. As if that weren’t crazy enough, Trump then tweeted:

They made up a phony collusion with the Russians story, found zero proof, so now they go for obstruction of justice on the phony story. Nice

This is incredibly hypocritical on so many levels. First of all, how can this be a witch hunt when Trump himself went on national TV and told us that he fired James Comey because of his investigation into the connections between Trump and Russia?

Trump is also demanding that we have “proof” before we even start an investigation. Wrong. You start an investigation when you see things like an unprecedented number of meetings between multiple members of the Trump team and Russian officials both before and after the election, followed by Trump’s people lying about these meetings. You start an investigation when you have strong evidence that Russia meddled in the US election and may even have thrown the election to Trump. You start an investigation to see if there was any illegal collusion. You don’t wait patiently until you have proof of collusion before you start the investigation.

Did the dozens of Benghazi investigations require any proof before they got started? Of course not. And those investigations never found much evidence, let alone proof of anything. Instead, they veered off to investigate Clinton’s email server, and even Anthony Weiner’s laptop. But again they found nothing.

And that isn’t the only investigation that Republicans have launched against Democrats. Remember the WhiteWater investigation? Which morphed into a sex scandal against president Clinton, which then morphed into impeachment of the president for obstruction of justice (the same charge that Trump is now complaining about)?

What makes the attacks against Mueller really suspicious is that they aren’t just coming from Trump. We are seeing attacks on Mueller coming from Newt Gingrich, Carter Page, congressman Louie Gohmert, and others. An article in Slate points out that the people attacking Mueller are all making the same arguments, as if they are reading Republican talking points.

Why would Trump round up people to discredit Mueller? And do this even before Mueller has announced anything? Mueller is still assembling this team! Would an innocent person do this?

To see the depths of their hypocrisy, one only needs look at the tweets of Newt Gingrich. On May 17th, just after Mueller was appointed the special counsel, Gingrich tweeted:

Robert Mueller is superb choice to be special counsel. His reputation is impeccable for honesty and integrity. Media should now calm down

That’s right, Gingrich was telling the media to shut up and let Mueller do his job.

Last week, less than one month later, Gingrich had completely changed his tune, tweeting:

Muelleris now clearly the ti[p of the deep state spear aimed at destroying or at a minimum undermining and crippling the Trump presidency.

And talking about the charge of obstruction of justice, Gingrich tweeted:

The brazen redefinition of Mueller’s task tells you how arrogant the deep state is and how confident it is it can get away with anything

On Friday, Gingrich announced “Technically, the President of the United States cannot obstruct justice. The President of the United States is the chief executive officer of the United States. If he wants to fire the FBI director, all he’s got to do is fire him.”

Trump’s base may have short attention spans, so I may need to point out that Gingrich led the Republican effort to impeach Bill Clinton for obstruction of justice — the exact same charge from which he now claims that a sitting president is exempt. And for an added dose of hypocrisy, the whole time that Gingrich was attacking Clinton for having an affair, Gingrich was himself having an affair.

Not only did Gingrich get Clinton impeached for obstructing justice, Richard Nixon was about to be impeached for obstructing justice when he resigned. So why would Gingrich now claim that the president cannot obstruct justice?

I think there is only one possible explanation. And I’m beginning to believe that Trump’s days as president are numbered.

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Late Night Political Humor

[Jokes from May 23, 2017]

President Trump is still on his big trip overseas. And I saw that he actually took over an entire hotel in Jerusalem. Mary and Joseph were like, “Seriously? You make room for THAT guy?” – Jimmy Fallon

A White House memo contained a typo that said Donald Trump wants to promote, quote, “lasting peach” between Israel and Palestine. I’m surprised they went with a peach. I always thought of Trump as more of an orange guy. – James Corden

Tomorrow, Trump will visit with the Pope. Trump said he’s really excited because he’s always wanted to meet Jude Law. – Jimmy Fallon

Today, President Trump arrived in Rome. He’s so excited to finally meet Jude Law. “You look much older in person. You need to moisturize.” – Stephen Colbert

Trump has a meeting with the Pope tomorrow at the Vatican. And you know he’s dreading that. It’s like getting called to the principal’s office. Only instead of detention you go to hell as a result. – Jimmy Kimmel

President Trump will meet with Pope Francis tomorrow at the Vatican. “I can’t wait to ask him why he wears that ridiculous thing on his head,” said the Pope. – Seth Meyers

Trump is going to visit the Pope tomorrow, and I bet they’ll get along because it looks like the president and Melania are living a life of celibacy. – James Corden

There’s another viral video of Melania Trump rejecting President Trump’s attempt to hold her hand. Now even Israelis and Palestinians are saying “Geez, work it out, you two.” – Conan O’Brien

It’s come out that President Trump asked two intelligence chiefs to push back against the Russia probe. Trump also asked them to make Melania hold his freakin’ hand. – Conan O’Brien

Donald Trump is out of the country, but his scandals aren’t. On Monday, it was revealed that Trump asked two intelligence chiefs to deny that his campaign had any ties to Russia. This is shocking. I’m not saying Trump is participating in a cover-up, but I’d say he is participating in some kind of weird comb-over. – James Corden

Today, the former head of the CIA told investigators that the Russians “brazenly interfered” with our election and actively contacted members of the Trump administration. And according to The Washington Post, the president asked two top intelligence officials to publicly deny evidence of collusion, and also asked them to find ways to get FBI Director James Comey to drop his investigation. Just like an innocent person would do. – Jimmy Kimmel

He asked the director of intelligence and the head of the NSA to lie for him. What was he thinking? He does realize they’re intelligence chiefs, right? Intelligence. It’s right there in their titles. They’re not “born yesterday” chiefs. – James Corden

Even though he’s thousands of miles away, the president released his budget today for the upcoming year, and it’s exactly what you would guess it would be. It cuts programs for the poor and the elderly to give tax breaks to the rich. It’s like Robin Hood if Prince John was the good guy, OK? – Jimmy Kimmel

So this budget makes huge promises that it can’t possibly deliver. It could leave millions of Americans without necessary services like healthcare or even food. It’s basically the Fyre Festival of budgets. – Jimmy Kimmel

The whole thing is particularly cruel to one minority group: Trump’s voters. Because the president’s budget hits his own voters the hardest, taking aim at the social safety net on which many of them rely. It’s all there on Trump’s new hat, “Make the Poor Live on Squirrel Meat Again.” – Stephen Colbert

The budget also calls for major cuts to the Centers for Disease Control. So whenever that thing inside Steve Bannon bursts out and goes airborne, we will not be prepared to handle it. – Stephen Colbert

This budget cuts things like the food stamp program, SNAP, and the children’s health insurance program, CHIP. So he’s cutting SNAP and CHIP, to which America’s children replied “STOP” and “HELP.” – Stephen Colbert

But he did set $1.6 billion aside to build a wall. Maybe it will be like one of Trump’s buildings — Mexico will have nothing to do with it, but in the end they’ll throw their name on it in big gold letters. – Jimmy Kimmel

Meanwhile, Trump just released his new budget proposal. And Bernie Sanders said his cuts to Medicaid are “just cruel”. But Bernie will get his medicine the same way as always: finding an old pill in his suit pocket. – Jimmy Fallon

This morning, the Trump administration unveiled their 2018 budget, titled “A New Foundation for American Greatness,” which is just slightly grandiose for a financial document. It’s like calling your grocery list “A Bold Vision for Yogurt and Dog Food.” – Stephen Colbert

President Trump released a 2018 budget plan today titled “A New Foundation for American Greatness.” Boy, you can tell from that name that Trump loves this budget. When he doesn’t love something, he’ll give it a boring name like “Eric”. – Seth Meyers

Donald Trump’s budget director said people need to stop taking government money and get a job. He then loudly cleared his throat while glaring at Ivanka Trump. – Conan O’Brien

The president gets back home on Saturday after nine days abroad. Those nine days have been a big relief to the White House staff. Especially Sean Spicer. Let’s just say he had the first good week on the job in quite some time. – Jimmy Kimmel

This Russian investigation into Trump is like one of those Russian nesting dolls, except every time you open one, the doll inside is somehow bigger. And instead of it being a doll, it’s a horrible conspiracy concocted by Russian hackers to systematically erode America’s democratic freedoms. – James Corden

This week, a man wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat caused a disruption and was removed from an international flight. It’s the first time a sitting president has been kicked off Air Force One. – Conan O’Brien

It’s been reported that O.J. Simpson could be released from prison this year. When he heard this, Donald Trump said, “Finally, someone to play golf with.” – Conan O’Brien

Yesterday, Education Secretary Betsy DeVos said that people who oppose school choice are “flat earthers”. She was like, “Which is ridiculous, because everyone knows the Earth is a cube.” – Jimmy Fallon

A new report found that legal marijuana brought in more money last year than Girl Scout cookies did. Though to be fair, Girl Scout cookies wouldn’t have made as much money if it weren’t for marijuana. – Jimmy Fallon

Scientists have been able to create baby mice from freeze-dried mouse sperm that was kept on the International Space Station. When asked about it, the astronauts said, “Wait a minute, so that WASN’T ice cream?” – Conan O’Brien

A man in Russia recently proposed to his girlfriend by hiding a ring inside his stomach wound and asking her to change the dressing. And this is exciting: She said “gross!” – Seth Meyers

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