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Late Night Political Humor

“Nearly 70 percent of Americans said a Trump presidency would make them ‘anxious’. And 30 percent said a Trump presidency would make them ‘Canadian’.” – Conan O’Brien

“Huge Republican debate tonight, and the big story is Donald Trump refuses to participate. He looked at the other candidates and said ‘these guys are crazy.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Earlier tonight on Fox News was the Republican presidential debate without Donald Trump, which is kind of like Corn Flakes without the milk.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“If this were WWE, Donald Trump would have shown up in Iowa tonight with a mask and a folding chair and started beating everyone over the head.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Donald Trump said his war with Fox News is Christian because it’s ‘an eye for an eye’. When told the actual quote from the New Testament is ‘turn the other cheek’, Trump said, ‘Hey, no gay stuff’.” – Conan O’Brien

“Trump refused to appear in the debate because of a dispute he’s having with Fox News and one of their hosts, Megyn Kelly. He’s had a problem with Megyn Kelly ever since she followed him back to his cottage in the woods and found out his real name is Trumpelstiltskin.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Trump got a major endorsement this week from the reverend Jerry Falwell Jr. It does seem strange that a Christian leader would endorse a candidate who’s kind of a poster child for the seven deadly sins: Pride, greed, lust, envy, gluttony, wrath, and Sloth; which in this case is living on his head.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Mike Huckabee has released a campaign video where he parodies Adele’s song ‘Hello.’ And just like Adele, we only hear from Mike Huckabee every four years.” – Conan O’Brien

“On the Democratic side, Bernie Sanders is acting a little Donald Trump-y and said he wants more debates but not on Hillary Clinton’s terms, he wants them on his own terms, specifically two hours long with a half-hour break in the middle so he can watch ‘Wheel of Fortune’.” – Jimmy Kimmel

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Cat Fight?

Jen Sorensen
© Jen Sorensen

Open warfare broke out in the Democratic party last week, with Bernie Sanders aggressively attacking Hillary Clinton. Clinton realized that retaliating directly would alienate Sander’s supporters even more, and she needs them for the general election. But surrogates, including Madelene Albright, Gloria Steinem, and even Bill, jumped into the fray. And it got personal, which is funny because Clinton and Sanders pretty much agree on goals, they mainly disagree on tactics.

Oh well, it was a welcome relief from the Republican party candidates, who had jumped the shark long ago and were becoming tiresome and predictable.

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Late Night Political Humor

“Donald Trump announced that he’s not going to participate in the Fox News debate tomorrow night. The other candidates are really excited to present their views in a serious, yet respectful manner — which means they haven’t been told that nobody is going to watch this one.” – Jimmy Fallon

I have to believe Jeb Bush is excited. It’s like when the bully stays home sick from school, you get one day of not getting beat up.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Dr. Ben Carson said today that although Donald Trump has announced he will boycott the debate, Carson ‘wouldn’t be surprised if he did show up.’ Then again, it’s Ben Carson. He wouldn’t be surprised if he was licked awake in the morning by a unicorn.” – Seth Meyers

“Last night, Ted Cruz challenged Donald Trump to debate him ‘mano a mano’. In response, Trump said, ‘See, he’s not from this country.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump is refusing to take part in the debate on Fox News tomorrow night because Megyn Kelly, one of the moderators there, is someone he does not like. This morning he tweeted, ‘I refuse to call Megyn Kelly a bimbo because that would not be politically correct. Instead I will only call her a lightweight reporter.’ The reason that he doesn’t like her is he claims Megyn Kelly is unfair, which makes sense. Fox News has a long and dark history of being unfair to Republicans.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Trump said that he’s not going to the Fox News debate, because moderator Megyn Kelly is biased against him. And Trump has a right to be scared, because usually when a younger, attractive woman disagrees with him, she ends up taking half his stuff.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump’s campaign released a statement announcing he will boycott tomorrow’s debate, saying, ‘Roger Ailes and Fox News think they can toy with him, but Mr. Trump doesn’t play games.’ A statement that would carry a lot more weight if Trump hadn’t LITERALLY hosted a game show.” – Seth Meyers

“Remember the kid whose parents said he floated away in a balloon as a hoax in 2009? Well, Balloon Boy has officially endorsed Donald Trump for president. He was like, ‘What can I say, I’m prone to getting carried away by hot air.” – Jimmy Fallon

“When did the Republican race for president turn into ‘The Real Housewives?” – Jimmy Kimmel

“A recent poll found that Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton have the most recognizable faces of the 2016 campaign. While Mike Huckabee and Chris Christie just have the most face.” – Seth Meyers

“In New Hampshire, somebody broke into Rand Paul’s campaign headquarters. Police became suspicious when they noticed someone in Rand Paul’s campaign headquarters.” – Conan O’Brien

“An analyst for Time magazine says the key to the survival of the Republican Party is bringing in young women. When told this, Bill Clinton said, ‘Hey man, that’s the key to every party.'” – Conan O’Brien

“At a town hall in Iowa, a voter asked Hillary Clinton how her views align with the Ten Commandments, and she said that ‘in many areas judgment should be left to God.’ Then God was like, ‘OK. You really shouldn’t have deleted all those emails.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Ben of Ben & Jerry’s is coming out with an ice cream for Bernie Sanders called ‘Bernie’s Yearning.’ It’s selling a lot better than Jerry’s ice cream for Hillary, ‘Pantsuit Email Crunch’.” – Conan O’Brien

“The advocacy group One Million Moms has called for a boycott of the new Fox show ‘Lucifer’ because they believe the series ‘glorifies Satan’, and is complaining to the show’s main sponsor, Olive Garden. Wait, Olive Garden sponsors Lucifer? I always assumed it was the other way around.” – Seth Meyers

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Legacy Obama?

Conservative David Brooks, who never had much good to say about Obama, has suddenly turned around with a column in the NY Times titled “I Miss Barack Obama“. Ignore for a moment that Brooks seems to forget that Obama is still in office and going strong. And Brooks still disagrees with most of Obama’s policy decisions. But still.

What are the things he says he will miss about Barack Obama?

First is “basic integrity”. When was the last time we had a presidency without any major scandals?

Second is “a sense of basic humanity”. Trump wants to deport Muslims and anyone else he doesn’t like. Obama went to a mosque and reasserted their place in America.

Third is “a soundness in his decision-making process”. Obama makes good decisions based on what is good policy, not just based on politics like the previous occupant.

Fourth, “grace under pressure”. Marco Rubio got attacked in the last debate and fell apart. Obama has been under attack since before he was inaugurated, but has virtually never lost his cool.

Fifth, “a resilient sense of optimism”. Most of the current presidential candidates are telling us that America is no longer great or is on the verge of complete collapse. Not Obama.

I believe that Obama will have a legacy of not just America’s first president who was not a white man, but as a great president. After his detractors have been forgotten and Fox News is long off the air (if you don’t believe it, read this), people will still remember Obama, what he accomplished, and the “integrity, humanity, good manners and elegance” that Brooks says he will miss.

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Colbert & O’Reilly

Stephen Colbert’s previous fake persona was a parody of blowhard Bill O’Reilly. Who knew that the two of them could have one of the most sensible and entertaining discussions about current politics? Heck, I even agree with a couple of O’Reilly’s points.

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Late Night Political Humor

“We’re one week away from the Iowa caucuses and all the candidates are doing whatever they can to appeal to voters. Donald Trump even went to a church service in Iowa over the weekend. You can tell he doesn’t go to church much because he was like, ‘I really like the part where they passed me the basket of free money.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“California police are on the fourth day of a manhunt for three escaped convicts. The dangerous sociopaths are believed to be headed to Iowa so they can vote for Donald Trump.” – Conan O’Brien

Donald Trump said this morning during an interview that Ted Cruz ‘looks like a jerk’. And claimed that Cruz has no friends in Congress and is usually standing all by himself. So is he running for president or leader of the Plastics?” – Seth Meyers

“Ted Cruz has been joined on the campaign trail by former candidate Gov. Rick Perry. So in other words, Ted Cruz is the No. 1 choice of the guy who was nobody’s choice.” – Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump said that Ted Cruz is a liar who looks like a jerk. Not to be confused with Trump, who is a jerk who looks like a liar.” – Seth Meyers

“On CNN last night they had what they call a town hall meeting where the Democratic candidates try to woo the Iowa voters. The only clear winner of this debate-slash-meeting was the farmer who got $30,000 to let CNN park the satellite trucks in his corn field.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Democrats held a presidential forum last night on CNN where candidates were interviewed individually. Candidates were asked questions like, ‘What would you do about the wage gap?’ ‘Do you plan to raise taxes?’ And, ‘How did you get in here?’ – Seth Meyers

“Someone asked Hillary who her favorite president was, and she said — with apologies to President Obama — ‘My husband, Bill. My favorite is Abraham Lincoln.’ And then Bernie Sanders said, ‘Senator, I knew Abraham Lincoln. Abraham Lincoln was a friend of mine. And you, ma’am, are no Abraham Lincoln!'” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Last night CNN hosted a Democratic forum where Hillary Clinton said that if she’s elected she wants to work together with Republicans and even said she’d give them all bear hugs. By bear hugs she means like the ones you saw in ‘The Revenant’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Martin O’Malley, who for some reason is still under the impression he’s running for president, got some good shots in, but this was his big moment. During the Q&A portion he said, ‘I can’t just sit here. I have to take off my jacket and stand up!’ And he rolled up his sleeves and showed off his body. It’s like ‘Magic Martin’.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Ben of Ben & Jerry’s has come out with an ice cream inspired by Bernie Sanders. A carton costs $3.99 but when you include tax, it’s $200 million.” – Conan O’Brien

“The Iowa caucuses are less than a week away. Then after that the candidates can go back to ignoring Iowa completely.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“We give so much attention to who Iowa picks. Since 1980 the Iowa Caucus has predicted the Republican nominee incorrectly four times. They only got it right twice. You get better odds when you have a zoo animal predict the winner of the Super Bowl than these Iowa caucuses.” – Jimmy Kimmel

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Presidential Proclamations

Jack Ohman
© Jack Ohman

With instant translations.

Today is the New Hampshire primary. The first actual primary. Who is going to be voted off the island?

Will Michael Bloomberg run for president after all?

I’ve been predicting that Marco Rubio would win the GOP primary, but depending on what happens in New Hampshire (after Rubio did his best impression of a robot who cracks under pressure during the last debate), I may have to eat my words.

UPDATE: Here’s a funny video of Rubio contradicting himself:

So now Obama is not just a fascist socialist, he also simultaneously does and does not know what he’s doing (both incompetent and dastardly cleverly evil).

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Late Night Political Humor

“The latest CBS poll has Bernie Sanders beating Hillary Clinton by 1 percent in Iowa, though another poll has Hillary beating Bernie Sanders with a folding chair. – Seth Meyers

Hillary Clinton said yesterday that she feels great about her chances to be the Democratic nominee and Bill Clinton said, ‘Hillary, it’s 3:30 in the morning. Go back to sleep.'” – Seth Meyers

“The Iowa caucuses are coming up and yesterday, Lindsey Graham criticized Donald Trump and Ted Cruz and said choosing between them is like having to choose between being shot or poisoned.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Graham said supporting Jeb Bush is like choosing to be slowly suffocated by an expensive pillow.” – Jimmy Fallon

“One thing’s for sure, if Donald Trump started shooting people on Fifth Avenue he wouldn’t hit any Trump supporters. They’re not going to Saks, they’re over in Times Square at the M&M store.” – Seth Meyers

“Now in fairness he was just talking about the loyalty of his supporters — though it doesn’t sound like he was complimenting the loyalty of his supporters.” – Seth Meyers

“A researcher found lyrics to a song that Woody Guthrie wrote over 50 years ago about Donald Trump’s father, Fred Trump. I believe it was called, this land is my land and this land is my land, and this land is also my land.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Donald was like, big deal — Pink Floyd did an entire album about me called ‘The Wall,’ and I made them pay for it.” – Jimmy Fallon

“After a really warm December, this was kind of a relief. Climate change has not ended winter, it just packed the whole damn thing into one weekend.” – Stephen Colbert

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Fool me again?

Ok, I agree with Bernie Sanders. I’m completely tired of news about Hillary Clinton’s private (but secured) email server. Latest “news” is that they found a whole 22 emails that contained some top secret information. Interestingly, Clinton was not the sender of those emails, they came from the CIA.

But that hasn’t stopped the GOP scandal machine from trying to make it sound like Clinton did something unusual. We have known for a year that both Colin Powell and Condoleezza Rice had private email servers, and they too received classified emails on their personal email accounts.

I’m also tired of liberals who are buying into this scandal. Are you really that stupid that you can fall for this crap?

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Late Night Political Humor

“We have Republican presidential candidate Marco Rubio on the show tonight! To make sure Marco feels comfortable during the interview, we have five other guys who’ll interrupt him every time he talks.” – Jimmy Fallon

“At a Donald Trump rally in Oklahoma, Sarah Palin called President Obama a ‘weak-kneed capitulator in chief.’ When asked if she knows what a capitulator is, she said, ‘Of course I do — it’s one of those worms that turns into a butterfly!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“After Sarah Palin’s rambling endorsement of Donald Trump, she failed to show up at a Trump campaign event. Palin apologized and said, ‘I was fresh out of nonsense.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump said today that he didn’t expect Sarah Palin to speak for ‘quite that long’ during her rambling endorsement speech earlier this week. She did speak for over 20 minutes, but remember, for Sarah Palin, that’s only three sentences.” – Seth Meyers

“A surgeon announced that he successfully transplanted a monkey’s head onto a different monkey’s body. The monkey immediately endorsed Donald Trump.” – Conan O’Brien

“Music icon Cher said recently, ‘Donald Trump can’t come up with a hairstyle that looks human, how can he come up with a plan to defeat ISIS?’ So if you’re looking for a plan to defeat ISIS, I wouldn’t count on Cher either.” – Seth Meyers

Donald Trump’s supporters are now being called ‘Trumpeters’. And Jeb Bush’s supporters are being called ‘clinically depressed.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Jeb tweeted today that if Donald Trump is the nominee Hillary Clinton will be elected president and we can’t let that happen. Jeb is painting himself as the only candidate who can beat Hillary. Meanwhile his brother George is at home painting portraits of his dog.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Tea party Senator Ted Cruz claims he currently does not have health insurance. Man, this guy will say anything to prove he’s not Canadian.” – Conan O’Brien

“Bernie Sanders’ son calls his dad ‘the Bernster.’ While Jeb Bush’s son calls him ‘my mom’s friend Jeb’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Rapper Will.i.am is supporting Hillary Clinton for president, whereas rapper Killer Mike said he endorses Bernie Sanders. When told all of this, Sanders said, ‘What the hell are you talking about?'” – Conan O’Brien

“A recent poll found that 10 percent of college graduates think Judge Judy once served on the Supreme Court. To be fair, it’s the same 10 percent that think Justice Antonin Scalia is the Cake Boss.” – Seth Meyers

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House Trained

Jack Ohman
© Jack Ohman

Now that the Republican candidates are finally being narrowed down, the GOP establishment is trying to steer votes for the candidates that dropped out to Marco Rubio. Will it work? Or will when either Ted Cruz or Donald Trump drop out, will their anti-establishment votes go to the other?

Joel Pett
© Joel Pett

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Sanders Attacks Moderates

This week, Bernie Sanders finally learned the wrong lesson from Republicans with a tweet aimed at Clinton that said “You can be a moderate. You can be a progressive. But you cannot be a moderate and a progressive.” Doesn’t this sound suspiciously like GOP conservatives calling moderates RINOs (Republicans In Name Only)?

It is this kind of ideological purity that I was concerned about in a post 2 weeks ago. We need a president that can bring people together, not divide them. In order to win the presidency in the general election, the Democratic candidate will have to appeal to the moderates, the undecided voters, and yes, even to some Republicans.

Compromise is the essence of politics, but this modern notion that ideological purity is of utmost importance worries me tremendously. I’m old enough to remember when narrow-minded ideology cost both parties several presidential elections.

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Late Night Political Humor

“Yesterday in Iowa, Sarah Palin gave a 20-minute speech to endorse Donald Trump for president, while Trump stood off to the side. Palin described Trump as a great leader, while Trump described being quiet for 20 minutes as the most painful experience of his life.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Critics are calling Sarah Palin’s endorsement speech of Donald Trump ‘bizarre,’ ‘meandering,’ and ‘mystifying.’ In other words, she’s still got it.” – Conan O’Brien

“A new poll shows that, in Florida, Donald Trump has the support of nearly 50 percent of Republican voters. However, since it’s Florida, at least 25 percent of those voters probably won’t make it till Election Day.” – Conan O’Brien

“Senator Lindsey Graham said this week that Donald Trump is the ‘most unelectable’ Republican he has seen in his lifetime. Then he walked by a mirror and said ‘whoops, never mind.'” – Seth Meyers

“According to a new report, emails on the private server Hillary used when she was secretary of state did indeed have classified information in them. This was described as above top secret stuff. Which I didn’t know there was an above top secret. You think top would be top. But I guess it’s like ‘America’s Top Model,’ they’re not really top” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Bernie Sanders is having a very good week. He doesn’t know how to use email so that’s not a problem.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Sanders is leading Hillary Clinton in New Hampshire by 27 points. Bernie is very well liked among Democratic voters. Among those likely to vote in the primary, his favorability rating is 91 percent — that is incredibly high. As are many of his supporters.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Jeb Bush misspoke during a campaign event yesterday and mistakenly called President Obama’s daughter ‘Malala’ instead of Malia. And THEN, when he tried to say Sasha’s name, it came out ‘I don’t want to run for president anymore.'” – Seth Meyers

“Jeb Bush was talking about the Obamas yesterday and mispronounced their daughter Malia’s name, and it sounded like he said ‘Malala.’ Then his brother George was like, ‘Heh — looks like the student has become the mustard!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Jeb Bush mistakenly referred to President Obama’s daughter Malia as ‘Malala.’ When Jeb Bush apologized for his mistake, Malia said, ‘Don’t worry about it, Jethbo.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Last night, C-SPAN aired a debate in New Hampshire among 23 ‘fringe presidential candidates.’ The fringe candidates included a Libertarian, a white supremacist, and Jeb Bush.” – Conan O’Brien

“According to a new report, by 2050, the world’s oceans will contain more plastic trash than fish. So the next time you get dumped, remember: There’s plenty of trash in the sea.” – Seth Meyers

“The ‘best countries’ report was released at the World Economic Forum in Switzerland today. According to them, the best country in the world is Germany. Although at first Steve Harvey said Colombia and everyone got excited.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Germany came in first, Canada was second, the United Kingdom third, the United States fourth. When Donald Trump finds out about this, he’s going to sell a lot more hats, that’s for sure.” – Jimmy Kimmel

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Obama Talks About Clinton and Sanders

There is an interesting interview in Politico with Barack Obama from a week before the Iowa caucuses, talking about the 2016 election and what he thinks about Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders:

Bernie came in with the luxury of being a complete long shot and just letting loose. I think Hillary came in with the both privilege — and burden — of being perceived as the front-runner. … You’re always looking at the bright, shiny object that people haven’t seen before — that’s a disadvantage to her.

And what he thinks of Donald Trump and the Republican party:

You think about it: When I ran against John McCain, John McCain and I had real differences, sharp differences, but John McCain didn’t deny climate science. John McCain didn’t call for banning Muslims from the United States. … [The] Republican vision has moved not just to the right, but has moved to a place that is unrecognizable.

It’s a good article, well worth a read.

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Late Night Political Humor

“This morning, Twitter went down for almost three hours. It wasn’t good — in fact, I heard Donald Trump actually had to FAX his insults to people.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump continues to lead in the polls, but he recently said that if he loses the election, he’d go back to building skyscrapers. When asked where he’d build them, he said, ‘Right in front of the White House.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“While speaking at an evangelical university, Donald Trump praised the Bible, saying ‘There’s nothing like it.’ Of course, Trump changed his mind the minute he found out the book is full of Middle Easterners.” – Conan O’Brien

“Today, Donald Trump got the endorsement of Sarah Palin. When he heard, John McCain said, ‘Well, then you’re all set.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Sarah Palin appeared in Iowa today to endorse Donald Trump for president. Though I think she just likes him because ‘Trump’ sounds like a name she would give one of her kids — Bristol, Willow, Track, and Trump.” – Seth Meyers

“Remember when Obama appeared on the NBC reality show ‘Running Wild’ with survivalist Bear Grylls? This had to be the first time a U.S. president ever appeared on TV with a man who regularly drinks his own urine.” – James Corden

“People were shocked that during the show, Obama actually ate fish that had been gnawed on by a bear. That’s nothing. Chris Christie once ate half a ham straight out of a Dumpster.” – James Corden

“At a recent town hall meeting, Chris Christie admitted that he’s got a little bit of a crush on Adele. Which explains Adele’s new song: ‘Hell-no’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“There was another Democratic debate over the weekend. The candidates discussed the big issues like healthcare and global warming. But, of course, the media focused on the most important issue: Bernie Sanders gives a mean stink-eye.” – James Corden

“Fun fact: Bernie makes that same face when the waiter at Canter’s Deli brings him the wrong soup.” – James Corden

“In a new interview with Time Magazine, Democratic candidate Bernie Sanders said that he’s never worn a tuxedo in his life. When asked what he got married in, Bernie said, ‘1879’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“According to a recent poll, Hillary Clinton has a better chance than Bernie Sanders at beating Donald Trump. While Martin O’Malley still has a good chance of beating traffic.” – Seth Meyers

“Today, a top LGBT organization officially endorsed Hillary Clinton. Upon hearing this, Bill Clinton said, ‘You had me at L.'” – Conan O’Brien

“The president of the United States, Barack Obama, seems to have totally checked out recently. It’s like Obama has total senioritis. If you want proof of this, he’s started signing every bill in Congress with: ‘Have a great summer. Stay cool. Barack.'” – James Corden

“Obama even appeared on Jerry Seinfeld’s show, ‘Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee.’ How about less ‘comedians in cars getting coffee’ and more ‘presidents in the White House getting legislation passed through both houses of Congress.'” – James Corden

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