“There’s a big presidential election in Afghanistan. And President Hamid Karzai’s opponent is a man called Abdullah Abdullah. Apparently, his campaign slogan is, ‘The Abdullah so nice, they named him twice.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Here’s the way it stands now. Hamid Karzai is leading in the election and he picked up a lot of swing voters, they said, in the Afghanistan elections, because of his No Infidel Left Behind program.” – David Letterman
“One of the candidates, Abdullah Abdullah, has dropped out of the running, and they think now his dumb son is thinking about running, Abdullah W. Abdullah.” – David Letterman
“Boy oh, boy, they got a new memo from the CIA talking about torture activities. Don’t you love that kind of stuff? … Here’s the approved CIA torture methods: sleep deprivation; waterboarding; face slapping. Sounds like attending a Donald trump real estate seminar, or watching a Ben Bernanke confirmation hearing.” – David Letterman
“Anyway, he’s being re-nominated for the Federal Reserve chairman. And I’m already planning my big Ben Bernanke party.” – David Letterman
“I like Ben Bernanke. He looks like the guy who OK’s your check at Kroger.” – David Letterman
“He looks like every guy at your high school reunion.” – David Letterman
“He looks like a porn kingpin. That’s it. Ben Bernanke, that’s what he looks like.” – David Letterman
“Boy, it’s hot in New York City today, huh? I know what you’re thinking right now. You’re thinking, OK, OK, go ahead and pull the plug on the old folks, just don’t pull the plug on the air conditioner.” – David Letterman
“The Obamas taking a vacation on Martha’s Vineyard. When something like that happens, it’s like a big deal for the community. And people on Martha’s Vineyard are going crazy and they’re buying Obama T-shirts, they’re buying Obama mugs, they’re buying Obama caps. The only thing they’re not buying is Obama’s health-care plan.” – David Letterman
“But on Martha’s Vineyard, they’re serving a new drink inspired by Obama. It’s an Obamarita. After three Obamaritas, a $9 trillion deficit doesn’t look so bad.” – David Letterman
“This is not the first time a president has inspired a cocktail. We have the Obamarita. And remember George W. Bush? He inspired the Mojidiot.” – David Letterman
“Obama has a great money-saving idea for health care. Here’s what he’s saying — if you need an X-ray and you don’t have the money or you don’t have proper health coverage and you need that X-ray, just drop by an airport, go right through the scanner. They’ll send you the results.” – David Letterman
“The latest rumor is that President Obama is going to have dinner on Martha’s Vineyard with Oprah Winfrey. That’s right, ladies and gentlemen. The most powerful person in the free world is going to have dinner with President Obama.” – Conan O’Brien
“Governor Schwarzenegger is trying to reduce California’s deficit by auctioning off state holdings that he says are no longer needed. So check out the auction if you’re looking to buy real estate, construction equipment, or the Los Angeles Clippers.” – Conan O’Brien
“General Motors has announced it’s going to be removing its GM ‘Mark of Excellence’ logo from all GM cars. Of course, the GM Mark of Excellence logo doesn’t usually have to be removed because after 50 miles, it just falls off.” – Conan O’Brien
