“The Obama administration has reversed itself and is now considering moving the trial of the 9/11 terrorists out of Manhattan after protests from Congress and the mayor of New York. See, they’re going to do an Off Broadway version first, see if people like it. See, then if it does well, then they’ll bring it into the city.” – Jay Leno
“And of course, the terrorists — the terrorists, they want it in Manhattan. A jury of their peers? Sure, a bunch of New York cab drivers. They’d get off like that.” – Jay Leno
“President Obama got out of jury duty. No word yet about getting us out of Afghanistan.” – David Letterman
“Osama bin Laden has released yet another audiotape message. Where does he find all these audiotapes, O.K.? You can’t even buy audiotapes anymore. I mean, is there a tiny country in the Middle East called Radioshackistan? Is that where they’re coming from? Where do you — we can’t even play them. We don’t have machines that old.” – Jay Leno
“Remember when they hanged Saddam Hussein? Well, you remember his buddy, Chemical Ali. Well, he got hanged over the weekend. And his wife was Chemical Shirley. Do you remember Chemical Shirley? I was just wondering is it too soon to hit on Chemical Shirley?” – David Letterman
“He is the one that killed all the Kurds, Chemical Ali. He shouldn’t be confused with the guy who killed NBC. That was Chemical Zucker.” – David Letterman
“Great Britain and America now have proposed a half-billion-dollar fund to create jobs for Taliban members who agree to lay down their arms. And if it works there, they’re going to offer the same deal to NBA players.” – Jay Leno
“And here’s big news: United States Senate reconfirms chairman of the Fed. Ben Bernanke was reconfirmed. So he’ll have the job for four more years. I just hope we have an economy for four more years.” – David Letterman
“And the state controller warned today that California could be broke by April. I think that’s great news. I thought we were already broke, didn’t you? We got two months worth of money left. Let’s party!” – Jay Leno
“It was reported today that Goldman Sachs’s CEO, Lloyd Blankfein, is getting a $100 million bonus. Goldman Sachs denied it, saying, ‘Well, no figure has been decided on yet.’ You know what that means? He’s getting more. Exactly.” – Jay Leno
“This is unfortunate. I heard that John Edwards and his wife Elizabeth have legally separated. Under the reasons for separation, Elizabeth Edwards just wrote ‘see news.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Well, it seems John Edwards’s mistress has gone to court to get a restraining order against the release of a sex tape she made with John Edwards. She says she’s worried it will hurt her career. I thought her career was getting knocked up by presidential candidates.” – Jay Leno
“I am stunned that John Edwards made a sex tape. Do you realize this guy is basically Paris Hilton with better hair? That’s all he is.” – Jay Leno
“And, of course, Edwards has no remorse. Today, he called ABC to see if he could be the next ‘Bachelor.'” – Jay Leno
“The Israeli army is planning to give its soldiers special new socks that can be worn for two weeks straight without smelling. In other words, they created the socks my college roommate thought he had.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Voters in Switzerland will decide next month if animals should have the right to be represented by lawyers in court. If they approve it, it will finally clear the way for the long-awaited lawsuit of ‘cat vs. string.'” – Jimmy Fallon
