“It’s amazing to me, the new unemployment figures are not good. A lot of people out of work, yet somehow the CEO of British Petroleum still manages to keep his job.” – Jay Leno
“In an interview on NBC, President Obama said today he would’ve fired BP CEO Tony Hayward if he worked for him. But unfortunately, as you know, the White House works for BP.” – Jay Leno
“This Tony Haywire guy, whatever his name is, he told the BBC on Sunday that he believes the new oil cap that they’ve installed will eventually capture the vast majority of oil spewing from the well. You know, if they could capture half the BS spewing from Tony Hayward, people would be thrilled.” – Jay Leno
“BP CEO Tony Hayward said he would just like to get his life back. He wants to get his life back. You know, I say give him life plus 20.” – Jay Leno
“The BP oil spill turned 50 days old today. If you get it a cake, don’t light the candles.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The spill has lasted longer, cost more, and destroyed more wildlife than Sarah Palin.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“In 2005, Hurricane Katrina wreaked havoc on the Gulf of Mexico. In 2010, the gulf was devastated by the largest offshore oil spill in U.S. history, but the fun is just beginning. The governors of the Gulf Coast states are pleased to announce they are now accepting bids for the next disaster to hit the region in 2015. Will it be a volcanic eruption, an earthquake, an avalanche, killer bees, a meteor, piranhas, zombies or high-frequency sound waves?” – David Letterman
“Tonight, the Obamas invited members of Congress to a picnic at the White House. Yeah. They played all the classic picnic games — Wiffle ball, capture the flag and their favorite game, ignore the oil spill.” – Jimmy Fallon
“The Obamas’ picnic featured foods from all over the four corners of the U.S., the Pacific Northwest provided the wild salmon and strawberries and the southern gulf coast provided 400 million gallons of salad dressing.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Al Gore and his wife are getting divorced. After 40 years of marriage, it’s kind of sad. Apparently what happened was, I guess, she walked in, caught him boring another woman.” – Jay Leno
“There are signs the divorce is starting to get ugly. In fact, today, Tipper stopped recycling and bought a Humvee.” – Jay Leno
“You know who performed at the Rush Limbaugh wedding? Elton John. Isn’t that amazing. It proves that there’s absolutely no ideological gap that a million-dollar check can’t bridge.” – David Letterman
“The only commercial airline in Iraq, Iraqi Airways, folded this week. The CEO of Iraqi Airlines said the company could not survive in a market where everybody in the country is on the no-fly list.” – Jay Leno
“A great day for President Obama. He addressed a group of senior citizens in Maryland today. He’s pitching his health care bill. According to a poll, half the seniors thought the president was convincing, 30 percent thought he was unconvincing, and the rest thought he was Will Smith.” – Craig Ferguson
