“It’s the 24th day of the Occupy Wall Street protests, also known as the largest homeless slumber party in the world.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Some protesters brought their kids to the demonstrations. Some of the kids got bored and decided to occupy Sesame Street instead.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Because of Columbus Day all the banks were closed. And some of them are expected to open tomorrow. Even though B of A was closed, they still charged you the $5 debit fee. Who thinks they should change their name to B of A-hole?” – Jay Leno
“Christopher Columbus was an Italian explorer who came to exploit our native population and infect them with smallpox. And 500 years later, we’ve exacted our revenge by sending Snooki to Italy.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Christopher Columbus claimed America for Spain. If the British had never come here, we would all be speaking Spanish – as opposed to just half of the country speaking Spanish.” – Jay Leno
“Christopher Columbus, an Italian, moved to Spain and then discovered America, although many Americans believe he was actually born in Kenya.” – David Letterman
“The stock market skyrocketed today. See what happens when the banks and the federal government shut down for a day?” – Jay Leno
“Two Americans won the Nobel Prize today, for economics. How crappy is the economy in the rest of the world if America is winning the Nobel Prize for economics?” – Jay Leno
“A team of American scientists just traveled to Russia to search for the Abominable Snowman. That’s right, a mythical creature who probably doesn’t exist. Or as Republicans call that, ‘a presidential candidate’.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Herman Cain compared his run for president to Moses leading his people out of Egypt. Cain said it took Moses 40 years to lead his people out of Egypt, but he could do it in 30 minutes or less.” – Conan O’Brien
“Rick Perry has admitted that he’s so tired that he can’t sleep. He should listen to one of his own speeches.” – David Letterman
“Yesterday on CNN, Michele Bachmann denied that her campaign is losing steam and said all candidates have their ups and downs. Then she said, ‘Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to hitchhike to my next campaign stop.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“We found out why Sarah Palin won’t run for president. She heard the job lasts four years.” – Jay Leno
“Homophobic Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum is at it again – on Fox News he attacked gay men and said that letting them shower with straight people in the military would cause problems. If that’s true, that means the straight men were not that straight to begin with. Probably not that straight.” – Jay Leno
“I say let all the troops shower together: straight men, gay men, women, everybody. Morale would shoot up, and we’d have the cleanest troops in the world.” – Jay Leno
“California had its first medical marijuana job fair. Over 2 million people meant to show up.” – Conan O’Brien
“The Mayor of Newark is cutting the city budget for toilet paper, leading to the new slogan: ‘Yes, it could smell any worse.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Bo the White House dog is 3 today. The difference between Bo and the economy is that Obama fixed the dog.” – David Letterman
“There’s a secret panel in Washington that can order any American killed anywhere in the world at any time. This may be the only way we can get Nancy Grace off ‘Dancing with the Stars.'” – Jay Leno
