“According to a new survey, Lord Voldemort from ‘Harry Potter’ actually has a higher favorability rating than most GOP presidential candidates. Or in other words, ‘He who must not be named’ is more popular than ‘He whose name I forgot’ and ‘What’s her face’.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Republican candidate Carly Fiorina said that if she becomes president she wants people to be able to take out their phones and vote on ideas during her speeches. Which worked out well for people who already had their phones out during Carly Fiorina’s speeches.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Presidential hopeful Rand Paul warned the media today that if anyone is mean to his wife during the campaign, they’ll have to answer to him. And Hillary Clinton said that if anyone is mean to Bill, that’s totally fine.” – Seth Meyers
“Olympic figure skater Michelle Kwan is now a full-time paid staffer on Hillary Clinton’s presidential campaign. While Tonya Harding was hired to take care of any other Democrats who enter the race.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Vladimir Putin traveled to Italy to meet with Pope Francis yesterday. They say Putin should be done with confession by sometime next fall.” – Jimmy Fallon
