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Late Night Political Humor

[Jokes from Feb. 13, 2017]

This week Donald Trump took Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe down to Mar-a-Lago. They were eating their dinners when they received news that North Korea had test-launched a ballistic missile. This is a provocation by a rogue nuclear state, so President Trump immediately retreated to a secure location where he could be briefed on the details. I’m just kidding! – Stephen Colbert

This is the president’s second weekend in a row at Mar-a-Lago, the resort he owns in Palm Beach, where he played golf and dined with the prime minister of Japan, Shinzo Abe. So on Saturday night they got the news that North Korea test-launched an intermediate-range missile. They decided to work that out over dinner, at a table in the middle of the Mar-a-Lago dining room surrounded by members of this club. Instead of getting and up going somewhere private they continued to eat while advisers rushed back and forth to the table handing them documents alongside the busboys handing them food. They used the flashlights on their cellphones to read these documents, like old men trying to see a menu. And in the end, they decided to impose more sanctions and also to split a tiramisu. – Jimmy Kimmel

Other diners even posted Facebook photos of Trump and Abe looking at what one imagines are classified documents by the light of someone’s cellphone flash light. But I’m sure those documents are secure unless that cellphone flash light also somehow has a camera attached to it. – Stephen Colbert

This weekend at his Mar-a-Lago resort in Florida, President Trump apparently discussed sensitive information about a North Korean missile launch in front of waiters and other guests. The guests said they won’t share what they overheard, while the waiter said [speaks in Russian accent], “No promises.” – Jimmy Fallon

Another guy posted Facebook photos of himself with the guy who carries around the nuclear launch codes, identifying the staffer by name. “This is Rick. Rick is the man.” Or more accurately, Rick WAS the man, until his identity was compromised next to the carving station. – Stephen Colbert

The guy has since taken down the Facebook post. And I can’t blame him. He only got 20 likes. A post about the nuclear launch codes really should have blown up. – Stephen Colbert

You know, if you’re going to hold a classified meeting in a public place, you do it somewhere where there aren’t any people. Like a RadioShack, for instance. – Jimmy Kimmel

Yesterday an official government tweet was posted for Black History Month, celebrating civil rights activist W.E.B. Du Bois. There were two problems with the tweet. One was Du Bois’ name was spelled wrong — and the other problem was the tweet was posted by the Department of Education. Now, I know Republicans don’t believe there should be a Department of Education but this seems like the wrong way to prove it. – James Corden

But it gets worse: They tweeted an apology for their mistake. It says, “Our deepest apologizes.” Well, apologizes accepted. – James Corden

I don’t know who at the Department of Education wrote this tweet, but whoever it is should have been held back a year. Or at least make them go back and repeat Black History Month. – James Corden

Have you seen the White House Valentine’s Day cards? These are cards like the ones kids give out in school, but each of these features a character from the Trump administration. We have Dr. Ben Carson, “Loving you isn’t brain surgery.” Kellyanne Conway, “My love for you is as real as the Bowling Green Massacre.” Steve Bannon, “Will you be mein?” Press secretary Sean Spicer, “Help me fake my death, Valentine.” That’s dark. – Jimmy Kimmel

Trump’s sons, Eric and Donald Jr., “Love is blind, unlike the trust we run for our father.” Vice President Mike Pence, “This is a totally heterosexual Valentine’s card between a man and a woman.” Vlad Putin, “Your love makes you weak.” First lady Melania Trump, “I almost love you enough to leave New York.” And finally President Trump, “I’m building a wall around your heart and making you pay for it.” – Jimmy Kimmel

Today the president was back in work in Washington, D.C. He met with the Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau. Went OK. They shook hands for a reasonable amount of time, which was good. Am I the only one who gets nervous every time he meets a new world leader? It’s like introducing a heavily tattooed girlfriend to your parents. – Jimmy Kimmel

President Trump will reportedly have lunch with Chris Christie tomorrow. ”Just the salad, please,” said Christie when asked if there was anything on the menu he didn’t want. – Seth Meyers

Scott Baio said he is furious with Nordstrom for dropping Ivanka Trump’s clothing line. But mostly, Baio’s mad at Nordstrom for cutting his hours working in the stockroom. – Conan O’Brien

The Grammys were incredible — you want to talk about bold performances, CeeLo Green came to the Grammys dressed head-to-toe in gold. He looks like he escaped from a secret room in Trump Tower. – James Corden

He waved at me before the show and I was like, “Wait, am I at a science fiction convention? Did I go to Comic-Con by mistake?” – James Corden

You know that costume probably seemed like a good idea yesterday, and tonight CeeLo is still finding gold paint in all kinds of places. – James Corden

Adele was the big winner at the Grammys last night. But get this — after winning for Best Album, Adele said she thought Beyoncé should have won instead. Then Kanye was like, “Damn, she beat me to it!” and went back to his seat. – Jimmy Fallon

Last night at the Grammys, Adele started a tribute to George Michael but messed up and so she started over. She was on such a roll that she won the Grammy for Best Mistake. – Conan O’Brien

Adele won five Grammys while Beyoncé only won two. And if that weren’t enough, Adele then announced she was pregnant with triplets. – Conan O’Brien

During his performance with A Tribe Called Quest, Busta Rhymes referred to President Trump as “President Agent Orange.” Then the Secret Service said, “Great, now he needs a new code name!” – Jimmy Fallon

During their Grammy performance last night, rap group A Tribe Called Quest referred to President Trump as President Agent Orange. It’s the closest Trump has come to being involved in Vietnam. – Seth Meyers

Scientists are hoping to use quinoa to fight world hunger. After hearing this, hungry people all around the world said, “Actually, we’re good.” – Conan O’Brien

At an international tennis match, U.S. officials accidentally played the Nazi national anthem. White House adviser Steve Bannon was outraged and said, “We’re not rolling that out till August — c’mon!” – Conan O’Brien

The U.S. Army has officially lifted its ban on soldiers having dreadlocks. This is good news for the Army’s elite Hacky Sack Corps. – Conan O’Brien

Today was Clean Out Your Computer Day. And, if you’re a 14-year-old boy, use bleach. – Seth Meyers


Also published on Medium.

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One Comment

  1. redjon wrote:

    There was a story yesterday on public radio about Mar-a-Lago and China, and how defensible (or not) Mar-a-Lago is compared to Washington, DC or Camp David.

    Out by itself on an island, not far out but still, surrounded by water, with seven roads in and out.

    What could possibly go wrong?

    Thursday, April 6, 2017 at 4:00 pm | Permalink

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