[Jokes from Jun 8, 2017]
A big heat wave is expected to hit New York City this weekend. They say that we’ll be sweating like Trump while he watched the James Comey hearing. – Jimmy Fallon
Happy St. Comey’s Day, everybody! Of course, everybody celebrates Comey Day if their own way. We’re kind of traditionalists around here. We celebrated by watching TV and writing jokes as fast as we can. – Stephen Colbert
During his testimony today, James Comey said that the Trump administration chose to defame him and the FBI with “lies, plain and simple.” A claim that was refuted by both Plain and Simple. [shows photo of Eric and Donald Jr] – Seth Meyers
Today, former FBI Director James Comey testified in Congress, but he would not say in the public hearing if he thinks Trump colluded with Russia. Then he said, “But I CAN do this.” [nods frantically] – Jimmy Fallon
Former FBI Director Comey testified that he met privately with President Trump on February 14th. This is good news for everyone who thought THEY had the worst Valentine’s Day ever. – Conan O’Brien
Everybody was looking forward to the former FBI director testifying about all the juicy details of his meetings with Donald Trump. Because, remember, Comey wrote everything down. And all his memos are going to be collected in his new children’s book: “James and the Guilty Orange”. – Stephen Colbert
James Comey testified that every time he thought President Trump was lying, he wrote it down. Which explains why Comey was just rushed to the hospital for carpal tunnel syndrome. – Conan O’Brien
Comey said that he kept memos of his meetings with Trump because he felt that the president may lie about them. Even Trump was like, “Yeah, that sounds like me. Good thinking.” – Jimmy Fallon
Comey understood Trump had the right to fire him, but he didn’t buy the official explanation — that it was how he treated candidate Hillary Clinton. “That didn’t make sense to me for a whole bunch of reasons, including the time and all the water that had gone under the bridge since those hard decisions had to be made.” I remember that bridge. I think it’s the one they threw Hillary off to see if she was a witch. – Stephen Colbert
House Speaker Paul Ryan defended Donald Trump’s behavior, saying, “The president’s new at this.” Ryan said, “And by ‘this’ I mean ‘following the law’.” – Conan O’Brien
President Trump did not post on Twitter during James Comey’s Senate testimony today. Well, he thought he did, but his aide switched his phone with a Speak & Spell. – Seth Meyers
Despite Comey’s testimony, a White House spokesperson said today is a regular Thursday at the White House. America was like, “Yeah, that’s what worries us.“ – Jimmy Fallon
Today during the televised hearings, Senator Dianne Feinstein told Comey, “You’re big, you’re strong.” Then she said, “I’ll continue the rest of my statement in the closed session.” – Conan O’Brien
An 88-year-old woman has set a new record for oldest female to stand on the wing of a flying plane. It sounds dangerous, but it’s actually the safest place to be when you fly United. – Seth Meyers
Producers have announced that they are suspending production of “The Real Housewives of Toronto.” Apparently, the show didn’t work because every argument ended with, “You know what? You’re right. I’m sorry.” – Seth Meyers
Everybody here [in the U.K.] is talking about the election. If you’re watching this in Britain, you already know who the prime minister is. If you are watching this in America, you already don’t care who the prime minister is. – James Corden
We taped this show a day before, so as it stands right now, we don’t know what happened in this election. Meanwhile, in America, their election was last year and they still don’t know what happened in their election. – James Corden
Regardless of that, we can assume Donald Trump has already congratulated the winner in his traditional fashion by insulting them on Twitter. – James Corden
