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Late Night in Politics

“Huge political fireworks today after President Bush went to Israel and he talked about American politicians who might want to talk with Hamas or other leaders. Politicians who would sit down and appease terrorists. He said he would not do it. He would not put up with it. He would never talk to terrorists. And then he flew to Saudi Arabia to spend a couple of days with the Saudi royal family.” –Jay Leno

“The big story in politics is that John Edwards has officially endorsed Barack Obama. They say the endorsement will help Obama win what’s known as Hillary Democrats. Do you know what those are? Hillary Democrats? Those are Democrats that like to knock back whisky shots while pretending to duck sniper fire.” –Jay Leno

“Well, the Pentagon announced this week, the reward for capturing al Qaeda leader in Iraq, Abu Ayyub al-Masri dropped from $5 million to $100,000. Well, here’s my question. I mean, if nobody turned him in for $5 million, why would you then turn him in for $100,000?” –Jay Leno

“Barack Obama is in the spotlight, and he is dealing with a little, well, a small controversy. Not a big controversy, but a small controversy. This is the latest. Last night, Barack Obama had to apologize for calling a reporter ‘sweetie.’ Yeah, meanwhile, Bill Clinton apologized for calling a reporter when her husband was home.” –Conan O’Brien

“Yesterday, in an interview with Katie Couric, Hillary Clinton said that she would not quit, no matter how bad her numbers looked. Yeah, then Katie Couric said the same thing to Hillary.” –Conan O’Brien

“Hillary thinks there is a chance. She is counting on her stimulus check to keep her going.” –David Letterman

“Last night, John Edwards gave his endorsement to Barack Obama. This is just more proof that Obama is elitist. His new friend has a $400 haircut.” –Stephen Colbert

“Big Democratic primary in West Virginia tonight. Hillary, of course, has long been predicted to win by 20 to 30 points. This is great news. No, Clinton will not catch Obama in the popular vote. And yes, Obama now also leads in superdelegates. But the contest will continue. And Nation, this is what the American people want, and I know that because I read it today in today’s ‘USA Today,’ which ran this headline: ‘Dems say let the contest continue,’ just above this much smaller headline, ‘But more say Clinton should quit, polls show.’ Well done, ‘USA Today.’ Thank you for reminding us that this historic primary has not become a manufactured battle, reported long past its relevance in a bald-faced effort to sell newspapers. It is what the people want. Just not most of them” –Stephen Colbert

“John McCain, of course, no one is really paying attention to him right now, but he’s everywhere, trying to get attention. Yesterday on ‘Live with Regis and Kelly,’ John McCain showed one of his baby pictures. That was nice. Yeah, the picture was on loan from the Museum of Natural History. Yeah, it was beautiful. It shows him discovering fire and bringing it to the village.” –Conan O’Brien

“Congratulations to Hillary Clinton. She was the big winner in West Virginia last night, with 67 percent of the vote versus 26 percent for Barack Obama, who hasn’t had numbers that low since the last time he went bowling.” –Jay Leno

Just a few hours ago, John Edwards announced he will be endorsing Barack Obama. Well, the rumor is that Barack Obama promised him, if elected, he would offer him the cabinet position of Secretary of Shampoo and Highlights.” –Jay Leno

“Howard Dean on the show tonight. Now, anybody here from Florida or Michigan? All right. You can’t be seated. You’ll have to leave. I’m sorry. It’s the Democrats’ ruling.” –Jay Leno

And if there was ever any doubt that Barack Obama has what it takes to be a president of the United States, that doubt was erased during a campaign stop in Oregon [on screen: video of Obama saying he’s visited all 57 states]. As you can see there, he’s definitely ready to take over for President Bush. He needs rest. Some crazy lady keeps calling him at 3:00 a.m. every night.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“I don’t know if Barack Obama’s getting tired or what, but in a recent speech, Barack Obama made a mistake. He said he had visited all 57 states. Yeah, that’s what he said. After hearing this, President Bush said, ‘Haha, he forgot Alaska and Hawaii!'” –Conan O’Brien