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Jay Leno

“It was quite a weekend, politically. Yesterday, an estimated 75,000 people attended a Barack Obama rally on the banks of the the Willamette River. … And if you believe the media, listen to this. After the rally, Barack Obama fed them all with just five loaves of bread and two fish. Amazing!”

“The oldest serving member of Congress, former Klan member, Senator Robert Byrd, has endorsed Barack Obama for president. That’s got to make Hillary feel good, huh? Even the Klan guy is going, ‘I’m gonna go with the black guy.'”

“And over the weekend, John McCain spoke about what he hopes to achieve by the end of his first term as president. McCain spoke about his vision, which he said was a little blurry and not good at night. … McCain also said the war in Iraq will be over by the year 2013, which is also when I think Hillary is expected to pull out of the race.”

“According to these latest financial disclosures, Dick Cheney is worth somewhere between $20 million and $100 million. I mean, could they be more vague? Isn’t that like an $80 million gap? Apparently, Cheney’s accountant is the same guy telling Hillary she still has a mathematical chance of winning.'”

“President Bush was in Saudi Arabia to mark 75 years of official relations with the royal family. And 40 years of officially being screwed royally by that family. Did you see the present the royal family gave President Bush? You see what it was? … A Schwinn. A brand new Schwinn, yeah. That pretty much says it all, doesn’t it? He goes over there looking for solutions to the energy crisis, they give him a bicycle.”

“And as you know, the country of Saudi Arabia is run by the Saudi royal family. Boy, imagine allowing someone to run a country just ’cause his dad ran the country. Thank God that could never happen here.”

“While he was in Israel, President Bush launched a political attack on Barack Obama. I guess he attacked him over there, so he doesn’t have to attack him over here.”

“Anyway, today, Barack Obama responded to that attack, and then McCain attacked Obama, and then Obama fired back at McCain, and then Hillary Clinton said, ‘Hello! Will somebody attack me? I’m still in the race! Hello, I’m still here! Everybody attack me!'”

“President Bush was just in Saudi Arabia meeting with King Abdullah. He gets a little confused. He kept saying, ‘So where’s Paula Abdullah?’ I don’t think he understands.”

“She’s starting to get a little desperate. You know, Hillary Clinton is doing whatever she can to stay in the race. Yeah, things are not looking good for Hillary. In fact, today, she was thinking of changing her name to ‘Gas Prices’ just to see her numbers go up.”

“And the other day, John McCain made a speech about what things will be like five years from now. See, normally, a guy that age starts talking about the next five years, the word ‘assisted living’ usually comes up.”