“The Supreme Court has ruled that individuals have the right to carry guns … When the decision was read, it created pandemonium in the court. Justice Scalia had to fire two warning shots to settle people down. And then at the White House, just for fun, Dick Cheney went out on the lawn and peppered a buddy with some birdshot.” –David Letterman

“Here’s good news — Bill Clinton will be out on the campaign trail getting people to vote for Obama. Isn’t that what he was doing for Hillary? But Bill Clinton is campaigning for Obama. President Bush is campaigning for McCain. And I’m thinking, wow, this could really be the year for Ralph Nader.” -David Letterman

“The latest Bloomberg poll shows Obama has a 15-point lead over John McCain. That’s a big lead. He leads in men and in women and with young people, minorities. I think the only place that McCain is beating Obama is in calcium deposits right now.” -Jimmy Kimmel

“The big story out there continues to be the high cost of gasoline. Four bucks a gallon. I have stopped traveling anywhere that is not downhill. Luckily, John McCain has the solution: Fabulous prizes! Who says McCain’s campaign has no new ideas? They have the new idea of offering millions of dollars to people who actually have ideas. It’s just the latest example of John McCain’s brave fight to keep Americans awake while he talks” -Stephen Colbert

“Hillary Clinton is out campaigning with Barack Obama. She says if it goes well, she’ll consider making him as her running mate.” -David Letterman

“Hey, there was an interesting study released today which says that people who live here in the state of California are less convinced that there is a God than the people of any other state in the country. On an unrelated note, more than 800 wildfires here in California are currently burning out of control.” -Jimmy Kimmel

“Arnold Schwarzenegger met John McCain today. And it was a very awkward moment when they shook hands because McCain’s hand broke off.” -Craig Ferguson

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