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Late Night Humor

“Now McCain is coming under fire for comments made by his top economic adviser, former senator Phil Gramm, who called America ‘a nation of whiners’ and said the country is only in a ‘mental recession.’ Just a mental recession. Like the $5 a gallon gas, and the bank kicking you out of your house — that’s all in your mind!” -Jay Leno

“And, for the first time in American history, Congress’s approval rating has fallen to just 9%, 9%. You don’t know how bad that is – the oil companies are at 12%.” -Jay Leno

“President Bush signed a bill giving phone companies immunity for letting the government spy on its customers without a warrant. Isn’t that unbelievable? President Bush said 9/11 changed everything. And you know, he’s right, because violating the Constitution and breaking the law used to mean jail time. Apparently no more.” -Jay Leno

“Jesse Jackson has a bit of a scandal going on right now, which I’ve got to address right up front. Yeah, in case you don’t know, last night Fox News aired video of Jesse Jackson where Jackson was caught saying he wants to cut Barack Obama’s nuts off. That’s what he said. By the way, for the record, this marks the nicest thing ever said about Barack Obama on Fox News.” -Conan O’Brien

“I’m sure you know by now, Jesse Jackson was overheard saying, and I’ll put this more delicately, that he wanted to cut Barack Obama’s testicles off. And Jesse has been on several news programs the last couple of days, explaining what he meant by those comments. Do you need to explain that?” -Jay Leno

“The other day the plane that Barack Obama was on had some mechanical difficulties and was forced to land. Well, the National Transportation Safety Board did an inspection on the plane, and you know what they found? The bolts on the plane were fine, but apparently Jesse Jackson had taken some of the nuts off.” -Jay Leno

“Today Jesse tried to reach out to Obama, and Obama said, ‘Keep your hands where I can see them!'” –Jay Leno

“Jesse Jackson also said he thought Barack Obama was talking down to black people by lecturing them on things like fatherhood and being a responsible husband. Jesse thought it was insulting, not only to him, but to his former mistress and their love child.” -Jay Leno

“I don’t, I don’t think Jesse learned his lesson, today he was overheard saying he wanted to cut off John McCain’s Medicare.” -Jay Leno

“Today’s New York Times has once again raised the issue that John McCain may not be eligible to be President because he is not a natural born U.S. citizen. Apparently, McCain was born outside of the 13 colonies.” -Conan O’Brien