“As you all know by now, Barack Obama sent out a cell phone text message at 3 a.m. on Saturday morning to tell everyone he picked Joe Biden as his vice president. How do you think this makes Hillary Clinton feel, huh? Finally, she gets a telephone call at 3 a.m., it’s to tell her they picked Joe Biden.” -Jay Leno
“Joe Biden is Barack Obama’s running mate. Yeah nothing says change like a guy who’s been in the Senate for 35 years” -David Letterman
“Although Joe Biden is in great physical condition, Republicans are raising questions about his health now. I guess he had a brain aneurysm a couple of years ago. Hey, you can’t expect every vice president to be the picture of health like Dick Cheney.” -Jay Leno
“The theme of the Democratic Convention is unity. Unfortunately they can’t agree on how that works.” -David Letterman
“Yeah, the Democratic Convention is in Denver, and security is tight out there, it is very tight, it’s tighter than Nancy Pelosi’s face.” -David Letterman
“This Thursday, Barack Obama is gonna give his acceptance speech, and reportedly it’s going to include performances by Bon Jovi and Bruce Springsteen. Yeah. And they say Obama’s not black enough!” -Conan O’Brien
“Tomorrow night at the Democratic Convention to show her support for Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton is going to give a speech. Everyone’s waiting to hear what she says, yeah. Hillary’s speech is entitled, ‘Forget All Those Things I Said During The Primaries.'” -Conan O’Brien
“The current issue of Newsweek magazine has a picture of President Bush on the cover with the headline, ‘What Bush Got Right.’ Yeah, it’s true. Newsweek says ‘What Bush Got Right’ is their shortest cover story since January’s issue on famous Korean rabbis.” -Conan O’Brien
“Tropical Storm Fay has soaked Florida, ruining thousands of homes, most of them belonging to John McCain. In fact, to make Senator McCain feel at home tonight, we gave him seven dressing rooms.” -Jay Leno
“John Edwards has admitted to having an affair, but he’s denying that he is the father of the woman’s baby. In fact, he says a member of his campaign staff is the baby’s father. Campaign staff, how does that work? What, was Edwards running late that day? Huh? Had to send an advance man in? ‘Look, I can’t have sex with you. I’m sending Bob down.” -Jay Leno
