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Late Night Political Humor

“The government is spending, what, $200 billion to bail out Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac. Unemployment, five-year high. Foreclosures are at a 19-year high. This means the Democrats are going to have to work extra hard over the next eight weeks to blow this election.” –Jay Leno

“It surprised me. It looks like John McCain’s speech last week beat Barack Obama’s speech in the ratings. Isn’t that amazing? Honest to God. That’s like ‘American Idol’ being beaten by a rerun of ‘Matlock.'” –Jay Leno

They say that John McCain’s biggest challenge is to convince people that he’s not George W. Bush. Hey, just the fact he went to Vietnam shows he’s not George W. Bush.” –Jay Leno

“Did you see Governor Sarah Palin on the cover of Newsweek? Look, she’s holding a shotgun. Holding a shotgun. This picture was taken right after she announced that guy would be marrying her pregnant daughter.” –Jay Leno

” A lot of people now are criticizing Governor Palin for her lack of foreign policy experience. They say she won’t be able to deal with other countries. But is that a big deal? I mean, hey, how many foreign countries even talk to us anymore? See what I’m saying?” –Jay Leno

“They asked her if she would be able to explain how she once lobbied Washington for earmarks, and she said ‘We’ll cross that bridge to nowhere when we come to it.'” –Jay Leno

“Oh, got a little testy on the campaign trail today. A reporter asked John McCain if he ever Googled Sarah Palin, and McCain said, ‘Hey, you take your filthy mouth, and get out of here!’ There is no room for that kind of talk.” –Jay Leno

“The Republican convention is over, the Democratic convention over. Just one left. Next week, Ralph Nader’s convention. It’ll be at his apartment. He says you have to park on the street.” –Jay Leno

“In international news, 60% of the people in the country of Jordan say they find Americans to be rude. Actually, that’s not so bad, when you consider 60% of people in other Middle Eastern countries think we’re Satan. …We’re moving up!” –Jay Leno

“Today, listen what happened out there in Albuquerque, New Mexico. Senator McCain was there with Sarah Palin. And they were having lunch at a diner, is what they were doing. And I thought this was so sweet. She, I mean I don’t know, how long has she been on the ticket, a week, maybe two weeks? They were there having lunch at the diner and she’s cutting his meat for him.” –Davd Letterman

“John McCain is old. And I had some friends of mine call me to tell me this. You don’t have any idea how old he is. Listen to this, he is so old that his blood type has been discontinued.” –Davd Letterman

“True story. I do, I kind of like that Sarah Palin. You know, she reminds me, she looks like the flight attendant who won’t give you a second can of Pepsi. No, you’ve had enough. We’re landing. Looks like the waitress at the coffee shop who draws a little smiley face on your check. Have a nice day.” –David Letterman

“The MTV ‘VMAs’ last night were hosted by Russell Brand. He hosted their ‘Video Music Awards,’ and he referred to President Bush, and this caused a big controversy, as a ‘retarded cowboy.’ Yeah, of course, everyone knows the correct term is ‘special needs cowboy.'” –Conan O’Brien

“Today, Barack Obama took his daughters to their first day of school, which was sweet. Yeah. In a related story, John McCain took his daughters to pick up their Social Security checks.” –Conan O’Brien

“Experts say — this is interesting — that since Sarah Palin became the vice presidential nominee, there’s been an actual spike in the sales of her style of eyeglasses. Gone way up. Yeah. Yeah, with Palin’s glasses, you’ll be able to see everything, except what the hell your teenage daughter’s up to.” –Conan O’Brien

“There is some good news for John McCain. According to the latest polls, which came out today, John McCain has started to open up a lead over Barack Obama. This is true. Yeah. The USA Today poll has McCain ahead by ten points. The ‘CBS News’ poll has the two tied. And the MSNBC poll says that Obama won the election last week.” –Conan O’Brien