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Late Night Political Humor

“This week, the presidential race continued to tighten up. In fact, according to the latest polls, John McCain is now only six points behind Sarah Palin.” -Amy Poehler

“The Washington Post reported this week that Sarah Palin billed taxpayers in Alaska for travel expenses for 312 nights she spent in her own home. You know, maverick style.” -Amy Poehler

“If you watched TV last night, you know Charlie Gibson did something John McCain has never done: interviewed Sarah Palin. No, last night, Sarah Palin gave a interview with ABC’s Charles Gibson. And earlier today, her future son-in-law was on ‘Maury Povich.’ ‘You are the father!'” -Jay Leno

“Did you all see Sarah Palin’s interview with Charlie Gibson? In fact, John McCain was watching it at home and at one point he turned to his wife and said, ‘She looks really familiar.'” -Jay Leno

At one point, Charlie Gibson asked Palin about the Bush doctrine, but she didn’t know what it was. But, you know, to be fair, even Bush doesn’t know what the Bush doctrine is.” -Jay Leno

“That was a big bone of contention today on the cable talk shows. Supporters of Palin say, it’s okay she doesn’t know what the Bush doctrine is because the average American doesn’t know what it is. But shouldn’t the bar be a little higher for this job? Shouldn’t they be a little above average? I mean, hey, let’s be honest. We already had an average guy as president. It didn’t work out that great.” -Jay Leno

“Sarah Palin was also asked if we might have to go to war with Russia, and she said, ‘Perhaps so.’ Isn’t that like a magic eight ball kind of answer? Will we have to go to war? ‘Reply hazy. Try again later. It is decidedly so.'” –Jay Leno

“Charlie Gibson sat down and asked some very good, some tough questions. McCain people said they were happy with the interview and they may let her do another one, maybe in a month or two.” -Jimmy Kimmel

“In fact, the other day while talking to a group of supporters, Joe Biden said that Hillary Clinton might have been a better pick for vice president than him. Well, that’s one thing to get the base fired up. Tell them, they picked the wrong person! Yeah! That’ll get them fired up!” -Jay Leno

“John McCain, by gosh, did you know this? He was on ‘The View’ earlier today. Yup. And I thought to myself, well good Lord, hasn’t this man endured enough torture?” -David Letterman

“This morning, Senator McCain and his wife, Cindy, stopped in for a visit of the ladies on ‘The View.’ At one point, Whoopi Goldberg asked John McCain if she should worry about slavery making a comeback if he’s elected. By the way, he never answered her.” -Jimmy Kimmel

“But that John McCain is a great guy. And when he was finished at ‘The View,’ as a thank-you gift he bought everybody on the show a house.” -David Letterman

“After the ‘The View,’ he taped a Rachael Ray show. He did a recipe, it was one of Sarah Palin’s favorite recipes, spaghetti and moose balls. And she said it was delicious.” -Jimmy Kimmel

“But how about that ticket, John McCain and Sarah Palin. Political insiders told me that Sarah Palin’s main job, her main job on the ticket now is to tell John McCain when he’s got something on his chin.” -David Letterman

“But we’re learning more and more about Sarah Palin. Were you aware of this, that at one point she was mayor of a town called Wasilla, Alaska? Wasilla, Alaska, I went to look at it. There is only one store in Wasilla, honest to God: Bed, Bath and Way Beyond.” -David Letterman

“Wasilla, Alaska is so small if you pick up the guide book, it’s called ‘Things to do in Wasilla.’ If you pick up a copy of that guide book and open it up, things to do in Wasilla, it reads, ‘you’re doing it’. That’s it. That’s all you can do.” -David Letterman

“But now because they are a little worried that Sarah Palin may be a political newcomer and has not spent any time in the national spotlight, so she’s being coached by Joe Lieberman. Yeah, I hope Joe Lieberman can pass along some of that excitement that he brought to the Al Gore phenomenon ticket. That’s what we’re looking for.” -David Letterman

“If you think about it, Sarah Palin is like his character from ‘The Bourne Identity.’ She came from out of nowhere, nobody knows about her, and they both kill everything in sight.” -Jimmy Kimmel

“Charles Rangel, chairman of the Ways and Means committee — this is the guy that writes the tax codes — has been found to be in default on his taxes on income, on a beach villa he owns in the Caribbean. Rangel blames it on his accountant, and he said he didn’t understand the law. Didn’t understand it? He wrote it! Huh? If he don’t understand it, how screwed are we?” -Jay Leno

“Obama was talking about McCain’s policies. He said: ‘You cannot put lipstick on a pig. If you do, it’s still a pig.’ This was supposed to describe McCain’s policies; McCain said he was actually talking about Sarah Palin. Which is very unfair, because pigs are smart. They don’t believe in creationism. And by the way, memo to all the geniuses who took it this way: it’s called a metaphor.” -Bill Maher


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