“The economy is in big trouble, but the Bush administration is now running it. So finally some good news.” -David Letterman

“Now, here’s how bad the economy is. There are now Americans taking jobs away from illegal aliens. That’s how bad it’s gotten.” -Jay Leno

“Listen to this. If any of these jokes bomb tonight, the federal government will step in and bail me out. Whew! Thank goodness.” -Jay Leno

“And it is pretty scary, this economy, don’t you think? Doesn’t it make you yearn for the good old days when we were just worried about oil hitting 150 bucks a barrel? Remember those days? It was such an innocent time.” -Jay Leno

“This is what I love about this whole thing. This is what Congress said today. ‘The days of getting money just for the asking are over.’ And then they asked for $700 billion. See, you know the way a bailout works? Here’s the way a bailout works. A failed president and a failed Congress invest $700 billion of your money in failed businesses. Believe me, this can’t fail.” -Jay Leno

“As the campaign goes on, we’re learning more and more about Senator John McCain, who apparently has 13 cars. But he can’t remember where he parked any of them.” -David Letterman

“This is interesting, according to vehicle registration records, John and Cindy McCain own 13 cars and Barack and Michelle Obama only have one car. They have one car, and the McCains have 13. Which, to be fair is like only one for each house. But the Obamas share a Ford Escape Hybrid. And the McCains have a Cadillac GTS, a Lexus, ten Rascals [scooters] and a hearse.” -Jimmy Kimmel

“Last night, they had the 60th Emmy awards. What a star-studded affair that was. There were more celebrities there than a Barack Obama fundraiser. It was unbelievable. I guess the mini-series ‘John Adams’ set a new Emmy record last night. 13 wins. So, a guy from the 1700s can still win today. That is good news for John McCain.” -Jay Leno

“John McCain is introducing his running mate, Sarah Palin, to the world leaders over at the United Nations. And it was nice. It looked like Bring Your Daughter to Work Day.” -David Letterman

“Yesterday, at a big campaign rally, Sarah Palin drew a crowd of 60,000 people. Yeah, after hearing about it, Joe Biden got new glasses and a boob job.” -Conan O’Brien

“Governor Sarah Palin said, yes, she did watch Tina Fey portray her in that skit on Saturday Night Live, but she said she watched it with the volume turned down. Oh shut up! That’s right up there with all the other political phrases, isn’t it? Remember Clinton’s, ‘I smoked, but I didn’t inhale’? John Kerry, ‘I was for it before I was against it,’ and John McCain’s, ‘I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.'” -Jay Leno

“The Iranian president, Mahmoud I’m-a-nut-job — isn’t that his name? Am I saying it right? I think I’m saying it right — has offered to debate John McCain and Barack Obama when he’s in New York next week. To which Ralph Nader said, ‘What? You can challenge them to a debate?'” -Jay Leno

“And the first presidential debate will take place this Friday night. They say John McCain’s challenge will be to distance himself from President Bush. And Barack Obama’s challenge will be to answer questions before his supporters can start clapping. So it’s going to be very tricky.” –Jay Leno

“Speaking of politics, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger recently said that in the 1970s, he smoked marijuana. Yeah. Apparently, Arnold got so stoned, you could understand every word he was saying.” -Conan O’Brien

“Here’s kind of an odd story. Due to a phone book misprint, callers to the New Jersey Democratic party actually got connected to a sex phone line. Ironically, on the sex phone line, you could still talk to former New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey.” -Jay Leno