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Late Night Political Humor

Sarah Palin

“Tomorrow, America’s most famous hockey mom, Sarah Palin, will drop the ceremonial first puck at the Philadelphia Flyers game. Right afterwards, she’ll get out on the ice and skate around reporters’ questions, so it should be interesting.” -Jay Leno

“The other big story, of course, this week is how nasty and angry the crowds are getting at the McCain and Palin rallies, especially when Palin speaks. Now, to be fair, a lot of these fans of hers that are at these rallies have lost everything in the economic crisis: their mobile home, their waterbed, their meth lab.” -Bill Maher

“Naturally the smart thing to do to solve your economic woes is to demonize the Democrats. And of course, Sarah Palin is more than happy to oblige. She’s been saying that Obama hangs out with terrorists. And you know, I think the evangelical lady who’s in a video getting blessed by a witch doctor, who’s married to a secessionist, and can’t name a newspaper — she’s right, Obama is scary.” -Bill Maher

“The question she keeps asking at all of the rallies is, ‘Who is Barack Obama?’ You know what, genius, maybe if you’d picked up a newspaper in the last year you’d know. He’s the guy who’s kicking your ass.” -Bill Maher

“You folks like TV, you watch a lot of TV? There’s a show right here on CBS, it’s a huge hit. It’s called the “Medalist.” And it’s about this guy who has a heightened sense of observation. It’s miraculous; he’s the only guy in the world who can tell the difference between Sarah Palin and Tina Fey.” -David Letterman

“The legislative panel in Alaska investing Troopergate released their report that says Sarah Palin illegally abused her power as governor by firing the state police chief because he wouldn’t fire her sister’s ex-husband. But they said she didn’t actually break the law so she won’t go to prison. Which is a pity because it would have been the first time she was ever involved in a complete sentence.” -Bill Maher

“Some good news for Sarah Palin: she has been cleared in that troopergate scandal. You know who cleared her? Sarah Palin.” -Jay Leno

“Before lawmakers in Alaska released their report on this troopergate scandal, Sarah Palin’s campaign released the results of their own campaign clearing her of any wrongdoing. Thank God we cleared that up. Actually, I think it’s legitimate, because apparently Palin can see the courthouse from her front porch, so obviously she’s a lawyer.” -Jay Leno

The Economy

“But the big story continues to be the economy. How many people remember when we had an economy? … They said on the news today that the stock market is on a wild roller-coaster ride. Really? Does it feel like a roller coaster? Doesn’t it feel more like that stupid free-fall ride where you drop 500 feet and you vomit all over the place?” -Jay Leno

“I don’t want to say things are going downhill quickly, but Obama’s new campaign slogan is ‘Are you better off than you were four days ago?'” -Bill Maher

“I saw a guy on Hollywood Boulevard said to a hooker ‘What can I get for an extra 50?’ She said ‘100 shares of General Motors.'” -Jay Leno

“Oh, General Motors fell to its lowest level since 1950, not a good sign. In fact, in terms of carmakers, General Motors is now third behind Tonka and Hot Wheels.” -Jay Leno

“Do you have money in the stock market, because it dropped 20 percent in a week. This week, the biggest loss ever. But don’t worry: President Bush has a plan to bail out the bailout.” -Bill Maher

“He went on TV today to reassure the public. I don’t know if it worked, because halfway through the speech two guys came in and repossessed the podium.” -Bill Maher

“His big line was today: ‘We are a prosperous nation with immense resources and a wide range of tools to deal with this problem. And he’s right: he’s a tool, Bernanke’s a tool, Paulsen’s a tool, Alan Greenspan, a huge tool.” -Bill Maher

“I’ll give you an idea how bad the economy is: you know the giant national debt clock in Times Square that keeps track of the national debt? It’s now run out of digits. This is true. It only goes up to a trillion, and we passed that. We’re now going to add two more digits so it can go up to a quadrillion dollars. Are these even real numbers anymore? Don’t they sound like the kinds of numbers you’d use when you argue with your friends?” -Jay Leno

“So let’s see, the country is broke. Listen to this: 60 percent of the people in America now say we are headed toward a depression, not a recession, a depression. We are in desperate needs of profitable industries we can tax. Um, now can we legalize pot?” -Bill Maher

“They found that Americans actually eat more during bad economic times, that people become fatter during bad financial periods. Isn’t that amazing? This is the only country in the world, when the economy goes south, not only don’t you lose your ass, it gets bigger.” -Jay Leno

The Campaign

“Barack Obama has bought a half-hour of airtime on CBS. He’s now negotiating with NBC, but they have some disagreement. See, Barack just wants to buy a half-hour, but NBC wants him to buy the entire prime-time schedule for the entire rest of the year.” -Jay Leno

“Boy, you can sure tell that it’s 2008. The campaign has really changed from when I was a kid running for office, because Barack Obama has purchased his own satellite TV station to run campaign commercials. Isn’t that amazing? His own satellite station to run campaign commercials. Meanwhile, John McCain’s VCR is still bleeping ’12:00.'” -David Letterman

“But all this doesn’t matter because Obama keeps pulling away in the polls. Every week, he gets a little more ahead. And with almost all groups. Liberals, of course, always supported him. … And conservatives like the idea of paying a black man to clean up their mess.” -Bill Maher

“A town in Upstate New York is being accused of being biased ’cause they sent out absentee ballots that say ‘Barack Osama.’ Today they apologized and printed new ballots that say ‘Barack Hussein Osama.'” -Conan O’Brien

“See, politics is very, very tricky. It’s a very, very tricky thing. It’s too close to call. Well, Barack is ahead now, but you never know what can happen. You gotta remember: politics is like sex. There’s always going to be one side that’s horribly disappointed.” -Jay Leno

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  1. The Secret Diary of Barack Obama » Barack H. Obama for the Win on Wednesday, October 15, 2008 at 12:33 am

    […] vote for McCain is a vote for more of the same!”, “Average male life span is 73 years.”, “Are you better off than you were four days ago?”, “We are the ones we’ve been waiting for.”, and “Barack doesn’t shoot wolves from […]