The Economy
“This economy is crazy. Are you with me on that one? This is what I saw today. I saw a Lehman Brothers executive walking around town wearing a sign that read, ‘Will work for a seven-figure bonus.'” –David Letterman
“President Bush announced today he is going to have the Federal government put $250 billion into US banks. Yeah. Bush also said if he’s putting that much money into a bank, they’d better give him a big-ass toaster.” –Conan O’Brien
“According to a group of Nobel prize-winning scientists, because of the economic crisis, the planet might actually improve from the damage of global warming, because we’re using less fossil fuel and we’re saving energy. See, this shows the brilliance of President Bush’s plan. He was killing the economy, yeah, but to save the planet! The man is a genius!” –Jay Leno
“There’s a new bank bailout today. The government is taking a $250 billion ownership stake in a bunch of failing banks, which is great news, because at long last, banking will be as efficient as going to the DMV. And there’s a debate going on right now about the whole thing. Financial analysts are saying, what does this mean for the country? On one hand, some experts say that buying up private companies makes us socialists, but others say it makes us communists, and it’s hard to decide. I say, shoot everyone and let God decide.” –Jimmy Kimmel
Sarah Palin
“The biggest newspaper in Alaska, the Anchorage Daily News, says that Sarah Palin’s reaction to this Troopergate report, you know where she was found guilty, was either astoundingly ignorant or downright Orwellian. To which Sarah Palin said, ‘Do I have to pick one now, or can I get back to ya?'” –Jay Leno
“Russia apparently has test-fired long-range ballistic missiles. At least that’s what Sarah Palin says she saw from her house.” –David Letterman
“I think the economy is starting to turn around. In fact today, instead of just shooting animals for food, Sarah Palin is back shooting them for fun again.” –Jay Leno
“Levi Johnston, the boyfriend of Sarah Palin’s pregnant daughter, is back in the news. He gave an interview in which he says that at first, he was nervous attending the Republican convention with the Palins, but then he was like, ‘Whatever.’ Yeah, he also admitted that he writes Sarah Palin’s speeches.” –Conan O’Brien
“They’re saying that when Sarah Palin is speaking, she blinks her eyes. People believe that those are coded messages, and I’m a conspiracy nut. So I got a hold of a tape of a recent campaign appearance, and I slowed it down. And if you translate the blinks to Morse code, sure enough, right there it says, ‘Vote for Grandpa.'” –David Letterman
“Did you hear what happened at a rally yesterday? Sarah Palin mistook some of her supporters for hecklers. You know, confusion happens in all walks of life. For example, a few weeks ago, John McCain mistook her for a legitimate candidate. It happens.” –David Letterman
“They began filming a porno movie this week called ‘Nalin’ Palin.’ They’ve hired a woman who looks like Governor Palin to star in this porn movie. It’s called ‘Nalin’ Palin,’ and they expect a lot of guys to go see it. The porn movie nobody wants to see? ‘Ridin’ Biden.'” –Jay Leno
The Campaign
“This week on the campaign trail, John McCain made some news. He talked about his next debate with Barack Obama, and he said, “I’m going to whip his you-know-what.’ Then, McCain vowed to ‘hit Obama in the whatchamacallit’ and ‘kick him in the thingamajig.'” –Conan O’Brien
“I’ll tell you one thing about John McCain, the guy is an optimist. He sees the glass as half full of his teeth.” –David Letterman
“Speaking of politics, a group linked to Democrats is now being investigated because they’ve been accused of falsifying voter registration forms, including a form for Mickey Mouse. Yeah, President Bush was furious when he heard this, because he thought Mickey Mouse was a Republican.” –Conan O’Brien
“More charges of voter registration fraud with this group ACORN. Have you heard about this? This is turning into a huge scandal. Apparently, this group has charged with on putting phony names on voter registration cards, including Mickey Mouse. Mickey Mouse was registered to vote in Florida. Is that so bad? I mean, Goofy has been president for the last eight years.” –Jay Leno
“That’s awful, isn’t it? How about this? Barack Obama, what a guy. He is actually going door to door, knocking on doors in a neighborhood, asking people if they’ll vote for him. Coincidentally, John McCain is also going door to door, except when he knocks on a door, he says, ‘Do I live here?'” –David Letterman
