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Late Night Political Humor

Sarah Palin

“Sarah Palin made three campaign stops today: Saks, Nieman Marcus and Bloomingdales.” -Jay Leno

“I guess you know this story. She took a lot of heat this weekend about how much money was spent on her wardrobe. She defended herself today. She said everything she’s wearing now she bought with her own money in Alaska. I believe her. … I’m not Alaskan, but open-toed snow-shoes? Is that common?” -Jay Leno

“I guess there seems to be some trouble brewing between Sarah Palin and John McCain. McCain aides say that Sarah Palin is ‘going rogue’ and not taking advice or notes from the McCain campaign. They say it is hard to keep her from going off script and making statements that hurt the campaign. It’s gotten so bad, her Secret Service codename is now ‘Joe Biden.'” -Jay Leno

“That’s the big story, that Sarah Palin has stopped taking advice from McCain and is only looking out for herself. But does that surprise anyone here in Los Angeles? That happens all the time out here. An old guy pulls hot chick out of obscurity, buys her a lot of expensive clothes, introduces her to a lot of famous people. She gets bored with him and stabs him in the back. Moves on. Happens all the time.” -Jay Leno

Ted Stevens

“Alaska Senator Ted Stevens has been convicted on seven counts of fraud, corruption. And Republicans are relieved, because at least it didn’t involve an airport men’s room. But Alaskan authorities were tipped off by Russians, who had been watching with binoculars.” -David Letterman

“You know what, justice system? Do your worst to Ted Stevens. Throw the book at him. Sentence him to solitary. Nothing is going to break this man! Because he knows that he has what it takes to be pardoned by President Bush. But, listen, Senator Stevens, if you do end up in prison, try sneaking out through the internet. After all, it really is just a series of tubes.” -Stephen Colbert

Alaskan Republican Senator Ted Stevens has been found guilty on all counts of taking over $250,000 worth of goods and services from a contractor to do some work on his house. Of course, Stevens still doesn’t get it. Like today, he said if he goes to prison, could he get a bay window? He knows a guy who could do it.” -Jay Leno

“You know the saddest thing about this whole Senator Stevens thing? He’s an 84-year-old white guy. If this hadn’t of happened, he probably would have been the Republican nominee in 2012.” -Jay Leno

The Campaign

“The good news for John McCain, new polls in key battleground states show him with a comfortable lead over Ralph Nader.” -Jay Leno

“Republicans are warning voters right now that if Barack Obama is elected president, the Democrats will control all three branches of the government. That’s what they’re saying, yeah. John McCain said this would be dangerous, Dick Cheney said it would be expensive, And Sarah Palin said, we have three branches of government?” -Conan O’Brien

“Senator Joe Biden lost his voice on the campaign trail yesterday. Turns out a hair plug got stuck in his throat.” -Jay Leno

“After hearing about him endlessly in the last debate, Joe the plumber back in the news. Earlier today, Joe the plumber officially endorsed John McCain. That’s right, yeah. However, Joe insists that his first love will always be toilets.” -Conan O’Brien

“One week to go. One week from today, the election. As a matter of fact, earlier this morning, they, down in Florida, unloaded the crooked voting machines. So they are in midseason form.” -David Letterman

“A large percentage of voters have already voted using early voting. Which is smart for older voters in Florida who aren’t sure if they’ll still be alive by next Tuesday.” -Jay Leno

“Now, this is interesting, Barack Obama is now encouraging his supporters to take election day off so they can help him get out the vote. Yeah. And a lot of Americans said they were already planning to take that day off, because they don’t have a job.” -Conan O’Brien

“Here’s how it works. Election is Tuesday. And then Wednesday is the first day of Sarah Palin’s 2012 campaign.” -David Letterman

The Economy

“Are you all getting ready for Halloween? The good news is, with the economy so bad, people don’t have to work as hard to make their houses look scary. The lights are out, the windows are boarded up, the lawns not cut. Everyday is Halloween in America now.” -Jay Leno

“On this very date in 1929, the stock market plunged 13%. Boy, those were the good old days, huh?” -David Letterman

“According to a new poll, women are more pessimistic about the economy recovering than men. You know why? Because men are in charge of the economy.” -Jay Leno

“In Pontiac, Michigan, five bodies and the cremated remains of 22 others have been evicted from a funeral home. Evicted! That’s when you know the real estate market’s bad, when you’re dead and they still foreclose on you.” -Jay Leno

“According to the U.S. Department of Transportation, Americans drove 15 billion fewer miles in August than they did the year before. To which President Bush said, ‘See, that’s one of the advantages of not having a job to go to.'” -Jay Leno

“Financial experts say that the economic crisis has cost $2.8 trillion dollars. That’s such a huge amount of money. It’s hard for people to visualize how much that is. Let me put that in terms you understand. $2.8 trillion is enough money to buy Sarah Palin clothes for a year.” -Jay Leno