The Obama Special
“In Senator Obama’s quest to become the president of television, Obama bought a half-hour infomercial and ran it during prime time on seven different networks. Opening with actual footage of amber waves of grain, presumably to demonstrate he’s the type of guy you want to make a beer with.” -Jon Stewart
“Hey, I watched ‘American Idol’ last night, the Barack Obama show. Did you all see Barack Obama’s infomercial? It was called “American Stories.” You know why they called it “American Stories”? I guess it sounded better than ‘Barack Obama Running Out the Clock.'” -Jay Leno
“And how about last night, when Barack Obama had his half hour infomercial TV special. I mean, thank God! It’s about time this guy got some media coverage, don’t you think?” -David Letterman
“The show was very well done. I got to admit, I especially liked the end, where Barack rose to the heavens on a cloud. Wasn’t that unbelievable?” -Jay Leno
“But I thought it was one of those heartwarming infomercials. It had a wonderful ending. In the final scene Barack Obama is adopted by Angelina Jolie.” -David Letterman
“Here’s the amazing part, this is true, it was the highest-rated show on NBC last night. NBC’s already talking to Barack about picking it up for 13 more episodes.” -Jay Leno
The Campaign
“And after Barack Obama, I watched John John McCain’s ad on TV. I thought it was McCain’s ad. Turned out it was just Wilford Brimley for Liberty Medical. ‘Check it often! Check your blood sugar!'” -Jay Leno
“I’ve noticed a number of athletes are now endorsing candidates in this presidential election. Barack Obama has been endorsed by Patrick Ewing and Charles Barkley, and John McCain’s been endorsed by Ty Cobb and Jim Thorpe.” -Conan O’Brien
“John McCain was on Larry King’s show last night, and it got kind of awkward when Larry had to tell John McCain that 72 percent of his ex-wives were for Obama.” -David Letterman
“But on that show, Larry King and John McCain looked like two guys who would be fighting over Cloris Leachman.” -David Letterman
“Today, John McCain campaigned in the Ohio town of Defiance. Next comes Anger, then, finally, Acceptance.” -Jay Leno
“Joe the plumber was supposed to appear at a John McCain rally today, but didn’t show up. Yeah. So, apparently, the guy really is a plumber.” -Conan O’Brien
“This week out on the campaign trail, John McCain called Barack Obama a socialist, and President Bush defended Barack Obama. But see, again, I don’t think President Bush really understands. Like, he told McCain, he said, ‘When you’re president, you get a lot of visitors to the White House. You have to be a good socialist. It’s good manners'” -Jay Leno
“And McCain says he’s ready for Halloween. McCain says he’s going to wear a Barack Obama mask and go as a socialist.” -Jay Leno
“But here’s what I like about John McCain. He’s an optimist. Always sees the glass as half full of his teeth.” -David Letterman
“A lot of issues going to be decided on election day in John McCain’s home state of Arizona. True story. Voters are being asked to decide whether there should be a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage. Yeah. McCain’s even using the issue in an attack ad that says ‘Obama-Biden: they share positions together.'” -Conan O’Brien
“Obama is ahead in every major poll. One online gambling site has him as a seven to one favorite to win. They’re saying the only way Obama could lose this election right now is if they made him bowl for it.” -Jimmy Kimmel
“And did you hear what happened down in Washington, DC, earlier today? Guards had to wrestle and apprehend an intruder who was trying to jump over the White House fence. Nice try, Hillary.” -David Letterman
Sarah Palin
“Insiders of the McCain campaign say that Sarah Palin has gone rogue. Republicans are complaining that she’s not listening to their advice, she’s not taking their notes and she’s going off on her own and saying whatever she wants. And then when the campaign was asked what they like best about her, ‘She’s a maverick!'” -Jay Leno
“It’s a little cold and windy outside, isn’t it today? It’s so cold today that Sarah Palin was putting ChapStick on a pit bull.” -David Letterman
“And Republicans now say that the $150,000 worth of clothes they bought for Sarah Palin will probably go to a charity. Charity, is that a good idea? Isn’t that kind of counterproductive? I mean, you’re going to give a homeless woman your spare change when she’s wearing a Dolce & Gabbana jacket and Jimmy Choo shoes, you know?” -Jay Leno
