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Late Night Political Humor


“I was thinking about dressing up. And I really wanted to be scary. I thought I would dress up like George W. Bush. Then I realized: John McCain took that costume.” -Hillary Clinton, campaigning in Ohio.

“I had two kids come by for Halloween, one dressed as Mickey Mouse. The other dressed as a volunteer, trying to register him to vote.” -Jay Leno

“Hey, did you see Barack Obama on the news? He took time out to take his kids trick-or-treating, that was nice. But he’ll only let them take candy from households making over $200,000 a year.” -Jay Leno

“Barack Obama made a special stop in Chicago, so he could see his daughters in their Halloween costumes. Isn’t that nice? Apparently, Obama’s daughters wanted to be a princess and a fairy, but he made them dress as hope and change. And they were pissed.” -Conan O’Brien

“As you know, tonight’s the night kids going around asking for handouts. Same thing Wall Street did about a month ago.” -Jay Leno

“McCain got in the Halloween spirit. He thinks he’s going to make a surprise comeback in the final moments of this election. Just like the corpse in a horror movie.” -Bill Maher

“The top-selling political costume this year is Sarah Palin. They had to put a special warning today, they told Sarah Palin’s traveling press corps — don’t dress up as an animal, or she might shoot you.” -Jimmy Kimmel

“Happy Halloween, everybody. Man, I saw the scariest costume. A little kid knocked on my door dressed as a 401(k). Scared me half to death.” -Jay Leno

John McCain

“Look, would I rather be on three major networks? Of course. But I’m a true maverick – a Republican without money.” -John McCain on “Saturday Night Live”

“McCain’s last plan to catch fire in this election is, apparently, Saturday night, he’s going to go on ‘Saturday Night Live.’ And he wants to deliver their famous line, ‘Live from New York, it’s way past my bedtime!'” -Bill Maher

“And this week, John McCain said people who live in coastal states like Florida should get more of the money from offshore drilling. I think that’s called ‘spreading the wealth around,’ isn’t it? And today, Barack Obama’s campaign accused John McCain of looking in the rear-view mirror, which would make McCain the only guy over 70 who actually does that. Think about it.” -Jay Leno

“At a campaign rally on Thursday, Senator McCain called Joe the plumber up to the stage, only to discover that he was not at the rally. In fairness to Joe the plumber, he did say he’d be there sometime between noon and 6:00 p.m.” -Seth Meyers

“This Sunday, daylight saving time ends. John McCain quickly condemned it as a redistribution of sunlight.” -Seth Meyers

“I think this says it all about the difference between the two parties. McCain is campaigning with Joe the plumber, Obama is down in Florida campaigning with Al Gore. One guy won the Nobel Prize in climate science. The other guy can get a fork out of a garbage disposal.” -Bill Maher

“In a speech yesterday, Joe the plumber said that John McCain is a real American. And who better to say who is a real American than a fake plumber?” -Jay Leno

“John McCain says Joe the plumber is his role model, and today says he wants to take him to Washington if he’s elected president. Not a bad idea — they’ll need someone to install the safety rails on the White House toilet.” -Jimmy Kimmel

“And this Joe the plumber, he thinks he’s a celebrity now. He hired a PR firm. He has the same publicity agent who represents Eddie Money and Grand Funk Railroad. I think he can officially stop worrying about his taxes going up.” -Bill Maher

“Joe the plumber still in the news. I’m tired of Joe the plumber. I want him out of the picture. But Joe the plumber has signed with a talent agency, because he says he’s interested in eventually becoming a country singer. Yeah, which may sound crazy, but remember, Kenny Chesney started out as Ken the asbestos remover. Then he transitioned, it all worked out” -Conan O’Brien

“God bless John McCain. You know, I’ve got to give McCain credit for ignoring the polls and fighting on. The guy’s a fighter. I mean, he’s been declared dead by the pollsters, and twice by his own doctor.” -Jay Leno

Sarah Palin

“Well, gosh, only four more days, and then Sarah Palin has to give all those clothes back.” -Jay Leno

“Palin has had another tough week. One of McCain’s big supporters, former Secretary of State Lawrence Eagleburger, was asked if she was ready to be vice president. He said, ‘Of course not.’ Not just no, ‘of course not.’ And they asked Palin what she thought of Eagleburger. She said, ‘It went well with fries and a light beer.'” -Bill Maher

“While speaking at a campaign rally in western Pennsylvania, which is Pittsburgh Pirate territory, Sarah Palin was booed when she said that she was thrilled to be here in the home state of the World Champion Philadelphia Phillies. Though, in fairness to Palin, she’s not used to states with more than one city.” -Seth Meyers

“It’s funny, the rats are already deserting the sinking ship. McCain’s people are behind the scenes, scapegoating Sarah Palin. They have called her, so far, a ‘whack job,’ a ‘diva,’ and ‘going rogue.’ You know, say what you will about the Democrats. At least when they hook up with an unstable woman, it’s just for a blowjob.” -Bill Maher

The Campaigns

“As you know, a lot of voters in Florida have already cast their ballots using early voting. And here’s the weird part. George Bush was declared the winner again.” -Jay Leno

“Daylight savings time, change your clocks back. … If there’s one thing we need, it’s another hour of 2008. President Bush has already turned the clocks back to 1929.” -David Letterman

“Think about it. In less than a week, President Bush will be a lame duck, as opposed to just being a lame president.” -Jay Leno

“How many watched Obama’s big TV special this week? Well, it was on seven stations, you could hardly avoid it. But it was interesting, because he did a half-hour infomercial. … Never mentioned McCain, never mentioned Palin, never mentioned George Bush. Or as Shakespeare people call it: history, comedy, and tragedy.” -Bill Maher

“It was reported today that 33 million people saw Barack Obama’s infomercial. 33 million people. Very successful, yeah. As a result, John McCain’s thinking of making one, but his is for the Craftmatic adjustable bed.” -Conan O’Brien

“Apparently, McCain’s plan to destroy the Obama campaign by calling him a socialist is not exactly catching fire. Possibly because most voters under 40 think a socialist is someone who spends a lot of time on Facebook.” -Bill Maher

“Oprah Winfrey says she plans to attend Barack Obama’s election night rally in Chicago. That’s great, yeah. So, win or lose, Obama’s going home with a new car.” -Conan O’Brien