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Late Night Political Humor

From Bush to Obama

“Starting today, Barack Obama is now going to receive the daily White House intelligence briefing on things like, you know, security and terrorism, stuff like that. It’s the same briefing President Bush gets every day, but without the pictures and the color by numbers.” -Jay Leno

“People are now asking if the Obamas being in the White House will be a return to Camelot. You know like what it was during the Kennedys? As opposed to the last eight years, which is return to the ‘Dukes of Hazzard.'” -Jay Leno

“Political analysts are saying today that Barack Obama’s win was unprecedented. Which again confused President Bush. He said, ‘Unprecedented? You mean, he didn’t win? He got unpresidented? Already?'” -Jay Leno

“Barack Obama spent his first day as president-elect putting together his transition team. And if you believe MSNBC, by tomorrow he will have chosen all 12 of his disciples.” -Jay Leno

“Barack Obama’s wasting no time. He has chosen Illinois Congressman Rahm Emanuel as his chief of staff. Rahm Emanuel. Apparently Barack’s first order of business, no guys with regular names. Okay, that’s it! No Larrys, no Bobs! Just Barack and Rahm.” -Jay Leno

“And as you know, like they say, Barack Obama hits the ground running. He is already naming people to be part of the staff. He picked a guy Rahm Emanuel. Rahm Emanuel, is that the holiday the writers are always taking off?” -David Letterman

“I get this feeling that the country’s starting to come together. And actually, it was borne out today in the newspaper. Yesterday, apparently, First Lady Laura Bush called Michelle Obama and invited her and her young daughters to the White House. Isn’t that nice? And Laura Bush told Mrs. Obama, ‘While I give you a tour, the girls can watch ‘Spongebob’ with the president.'” -Conan O’Brien

“Barack Obama promised a new America in which the powerless will have a voice. So, he’s already reaching out to Republicans.” -Jay Leno

“I love stuff like this, because it so early that everything now is new and cute and the Obama family looking for a White House dog. … Once the Obama’s choose a dog, he must then be confirmed by the Senate.” -David Letterman

“President-elect Obama promised his daughters a puppy when they move into the White House. You see that, he promised them a puppy. There’s a long tradition of presidential pets. The first President Bush had Millie. Remember Millie, the White House dog? The current Bushes have two dogs, named Barney and Scott. Do you know the name of the dog in the Clinton White House? Bill. Bill was the dog.” -Jay Leno

“But I was thinking about this, the Obamas want to adopt a stray dog from the pound. And I think that is admirable. I believe the last president to bring a stray dog into the White House got impeached.” -David Letterman

The end of the campaign

“Of course, a lot of famous sound bites will be remembered for this campaign. There were some good ones. Barack Obama saying, what was his one? Oh, ‘We are the change that we seek.’ John McCain saying, ‘I would rather lose an election than lose a war.’ Sarah Palin saying, ‘Do you have this in size 6?'” -Jay Leno

“Right about now, John McCain is at home, saying, if only I didn’t anger Dave, if only I didn’t anger Dave. And Obama believes that the election results gave him a mandate. A mandate, that is what got that Senator Larry Craig in trouble, wasn’t it?” -David Letterman

“After this week’s election, this is true, thousands of mothers in Kenya are expected to name their babies Barack Obama. Isn’t that cool? Yeah. And then, they’ll all be adopted by Angelina Jolie. She’s going to have 600,000 kids named Barack Obama” -Conan O’Brien

“Rumor is, still a lot of infighting within the McCain campaign, between the Palin people and the McCain people. Now, I don’t know if that’s true or not, but earlier today, Sarah Palin put McCain’s campaign bus on eBay.” -Jay Leno

“But what’s interesting about these stories is they come from inside the McCain camp. … But they’re even more horrified by all the money she spent on clothes than they initially let on. Apparently, they told her buy three suit for the convention, and instead she went out and bought $150,000 stuff for her and her family. Every time she put her foot in the mouth, she ruined a $1,200 pair of Manolo Blahniks. The McCain aides described it, and this is a quote, as ‘Wasilla Hillbillies looting Neiman Marcus from coast to coast.'” -Jimmy Kimmel

“Sources from the McCain campaign are starting to talk. And they said today that when they were prepping Sarah Palin for the debates, they found out that she thought Africa was a country, not a continent. Now, to be fair to Sarah Palin, it is hard to see Africa from Alaska.” -Conan O’Brien

“Newsweek magazine and Fox News are reporting that Sarah Palin did not know that Africa is a continent, she thought this was a country. She didn’t know what countries were in the North American Free Trade Agreement, even though it’s just us, Canada, and Mexico in North America. Another story said two top McCain aides came to her hotel room to brief her, she came out wet, and wearing nothing but a towel. It sounds a little bit like they’re talking about Jessica Simpson, but they’re not.” -Jimmy Kimmel

“President-elect Barack Obama spent the day thanking the people who helped him win the election. Yeah, and actually, Obama’s first phone call was to Sarah Palin. He sent her flowers.” -Conan O’Brien

“Sarah Palin thinks the alphabet has 22 letters. She’s so dumb she thinks the capital of China is Chinatown. Sarah Palin is so dumb, she thinks billboards are postcards from Giants. The governor of Alaska is so dumb, she thinks soy milk is Spanish for ‘I am milk.'” -Daily Show correspondent Wyatt Cenac

“Now that the election is over, people around the world are hoping that America will be less arrogant. Yeah. Ah, who the hell cares what those foreigners think? To heck with them. Lousy foreigners.” -David Letterman


One Comment

  1. movie fan wrote:

    I heard recently that, despite all the perks that come with living in the white house, the first family still has to pay for any food that their private guests consume

    Monday, November 10, 2008 at 10:19 pm | Permalink

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  1. on Saturday, November 22, 2008 at 2:04 am

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