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Dear World

Dear World:

The United States of America , your quality supplier of ideals of liberty and democracy, would like to apologize for its 2001-2008 service outage.

The technical fault that led to this eight-year service interruption has been located, and the software responsible was replaced Tuesday night, November 4. Early tests of the newly-installed program indicate that we are now operating correctly, and we expect it to be fully functional by mid-January.

We apologize for any inconvenience caused by the outage, and we look forward to resuming full service — and hopefully even to improve it in years to come.

Thank you for your patience and understanding,




  1. Anonymous wrote:

    Except in the coming years, we’ll be dealing with the Bush Administration’s aftermath. Could be even worse. In other words, the “outage” isn’t going to be over any time soon.

    Wednesday, November 19, 2008 at 3:25 am | Permalink
  2. Anonymous wrote:

    How much do you charge for your services?

    Wednesday, November 19, 2008 at 3:56 am | Permalink
  3. Anonymous wrote:

    We charge lots of innocent lives and some cheap oil.

    Wednesday, November 19, 2008 at 4:47 am | Permalink
  4. Anonymous wrote:

    Dear the USA,

    Don’t go thinking just because you finally got rid of the parasite you voted in twice we are all cozy and even. You have been fucking us for years and have a long, long way to go before we are all square. We love you and love the fact that you are doing the right thing (at last!) but really you are still at the lowest point just now facing in the right direction. Good luck with your return to decency and responsibility – we’ll be behind you.

    The rest of the World.

    Wednesday, November 19, 2008 at 5:27 am | Permalink
  5. Anonymous wrote:

    Please revert with Root Cause asap.

    Wednesday, November 19, 2008 at 8:24 am | Permalink
  6. shannon wrote:

    Are you joking? This apology should go back nearly 100 years and you’re kidding yourself if you think it’ll be over in January. The US government has not had its share of meddling yet. It won’t be over until the dollar crashes.

    Wednesday, November 19, 2008 at 9:16 am | Permalink
  7. Stephen G wrote:

    Hey, crap for brains. If you don’t like it here, you are free to leave. Ask, i’m willing to bet a few of us would be willing to kick in for a one way ticket out for you. Public transit, of course.

    Wednesday, November 19, 2008 at 12:47 pm | Permalink
  8. Stankleberry wrote:

    Heh, we’ll see how long the world loves Obama…

    Wednesday, November 19, 2008 at 7:31 pm | Permalink
  9. KnotFunny wrote:

    Yeah, this is a joke, alright. Just not the kind that has humor.

    Steven G.: Are you addressing Obama? Then count me in, I want to help with that ticket.

    Wednesday, November 19, 2008 at 9:10 pm | Permalink
  10. ATNorth wrote:


    Wednesday, November 19, 2008 at 9:39 pm | Permalink
  11. BDelsol wrote:

    Nobody ever got freedom and liberty by fighting for it, but for talking and being nice. Bush is evil and terrible and nonsense. He has made me lose my mind. Obama will supply the thoughts I can no longer generate. He is awesome and hopefully everlasting. He is our redeemer. He doesn’t have to actually do anything to heal the wounds we’ve created. When he speaks all pain we have inflicted dissipated. Nirvana and utopia will once again be found in america. Maybe a mall in the midwest.

    Wednesday, November 19, 2008 at 9:59 pm | Permalink
  12. warbaby wrote:

    Dear World:

    p.s. And we’re gonna get a new puppy. It’ll be a boy puppy, ’cause Mama says the First Bitch job is already taken.

    Wednesday, November 19, 2008 at 10:58 pm | Permalink
  13. Iron Knee wrote:

    I can’t help but notice the irony of some of the people commenting here on a humor site, but who don’t seem to have a sense of humor. Come on, lighten up!

    Although BDELSOL seems to have figured out sarcasm.

    Wednesday, November 19, 2008 at 11:13 pm | Permalink
  14. warbaby wrote:

    Actually, ironpants, my comment was sarcasm.

    BDELSOL’s was irony. Maybe you were thrown off by the lack of quotation marks.

    Wednesday, November 19, 2008 at 11:27 pm | Permalink
  15. The world wrote:

    Dear the USA,

    Thanks God that you find out that there is a service outage FINALLY. With your record of invasion to some of my friends house, I seriously doubt if you are truly serving what you claim it is. And recently, facts show me that your company are full of greedy staff.

    Glad you are on the right track again.

    Seriously, I am start considering another service vendor. Please just don’t think that you are the one and only ‘quality’ supplier of ideals of liberty and democracy.

    The world.

    The rest of the World.

    Thursday, November 20, 2008 at 12:14 am | Permalink
  16. JT wrote:

    “Except in the coming years, we’ll be dealing with the Bush Administration’s aftermath”

    Wrong, wrong, wrong. There is no such thing as an aftermath from the previous administration. Check out the playbook re: the inherited recession of 2001 and the buildup to 9/11.

    Thursday, November 20, 2008 at 6:43 am | Permalink
  17. Cassandra wrote:

    The cure is going to be worse than the disease.
    The new software is going to cause a massive crash.

    Thursday, November 20, 2008 at 9:35 am | Permalink
  18. Dave C wrote:

    Dear World.

    There is a small glitch with the new upgrade. Operations might revert to 1976 operating standards. Don’t get your hopes up for a change just yet

    Thursday, November 20, 2008 at 11:36 am | Permalink
  19. KnotFunny wrote:

    Dear Obsequious Part of the USA that Thinks it Needs to Apologize:

    You do need to apologize, not for the USA, but to the USA. Apologize for living here but not understanding a damn thing about this country.
    It is the last bastion of freedom anywhere, even though the freedoms of its citizens are continually being eroded. If you find that hard to believe,
    you need to try to explain to yourself WHY it is that much of the rest of the world wants to come here. And if you really did find that hard to believe,
    and really did think the world outside of the USA is such a better place that needs sucking up to, you would be there instead of here. So why aren’t you?
    Has there ever been a socialist country characterized by freedom? No, there hasn’t, but don’t let that bother you.
    Why can’t we have socialism and freedom together? Because people want to pursue their own interests, after all, and you need freedom for that.

    Do you really think Omommy is going to take care of things? Not in a good way – he doesn’t have a clue, and you will find out that you and he both have that going for you.

    Oh, and have a nice day. 🙂

    Thursday, November 20, 2008 at 11:48 am | Permalink
  20. Bob Mulroy wrote:

    OH GOODY! I just can’t wait for the Obamessiah to restore peace and liberty to the world!

    Thursday, November 20, 2008 at 12:51 pm | Permalink
  21. kj wrote:

    That’s right, World, you hated USA-XP so much, we’re gonna let you have USA Vista – bloated from trying to be everything to everyone, barely functional, and prone to crash.

    Friday, November 21, 2008 at 12:40 am | Permalink
  22. aMos wrote:

    Incredible to think a bare 6 decades separates the greatest generation from the sanctimonious, college-educated little turd who wrote this contemptible post. There is a deal of ruin in a civilization, but not as much, apparently, as we thought.

    This is what you should have written:

    “Dear world, you’re on your own. We are going European, from now on we will let tyrants and terrorists do what they will while we ask the UN to pass pointless resolutions that the criminals of the world will wipe their asses with.”

    Friday, November 21, 2008 at 7:48 am | Permalink
  23. Blanders wrote:

    Dear The USA,

    Thank you for your email. We’ll add it to the confusing pile on the edge of our desk.

    While we admire your dedication to customer service, we have to admit that we find your frequent apology emails baffling. There was no service outage between 2001 and 2008. We have been getting a steady supply of liberty and democracy from your fine organisation. The only difference is that over the last few years we’ve been getting increasingly distressed emails from your PR Department apologising for an outage that hasn’t actually occurred.

    Frankly, we’re begining to wonder if your PR Department has ever spoken to the staff in Supply. How about sitting down with your own people and actually communicating with them about how your organisation functions, rather than making a few insecure and slightly unhinged assumptions and then broadcasting them to us at The World?

    Some of us at The World are also a little concerned that your much-vaunted January upgrade will in reality be a shiny new interface masking an inferior platform. The old interface may have been a little clunky but at least we knew that it wouldn’t fall over the first time we put demands on it.

    In conclusion, we thank you for your ongoing provision of quality liberty and democracy, and ask only two things: one, please stop apologising for an outage that didn’t occur, and two, please don’t confuse novelty with quality.

    With kind regards,

    The World

    Tuesday, November 25, 2008 at 9:57 pm | Permalink

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