“I guess you know, President Bush and Barack Obama had their big meeting yesterday. And to tell you the truth, they found, with all their differences, they had one thing in common: neither one of them trust the Clintons.” -Jay Leno
“The only awkward moment was when Bush complimented Obama on his campaign, he said, you did a heck of a job, Brownie.” -Jimmy Kimmel
“Of course, Joe Biden still hasn’t met with Dick Cheney. I don’t get it. Why wouldn’t Biden have the common courtesy to go to a secret location and meet a guy who is known for shooting old men in the face?” -Stephen Colbert
“Obama said his favorite part of the tour was when the president showed him the secret dial under his desk that he uses to control the price of gasoline.” -Jimmy Kimmel
“Did you hear about this? President-elect Barack Obama announced that he’s moving into the White House, his family, the two girls and his wife and his mother-in-law. Don’t worry. It still has to be approved by the Senate. A mother-in-law in the White House? Honestly? I thought this was the administration that was against torture.” -David Letterman
“It was reported today that Michelle Obama wants her mother to move into the White House with them. Yeah, this is expected to be the first time Barack uses his veto power.” -Conan O’Brien
“And Barack Obama is being very deferential to President Bush. Obama said last week, ‘The United States can only have one president.’ To which Bush said, ‘Hey, that’s not what Cheney told me.” -Jay Leno
“You’re not going to believe this. Bush’s approval rating has dropped to an historic low. I’m telling you now, this guy has really got his work cut out for him for his third term.” -David Letterman
“One of the Obama girls is allergic to dogs, so someone has offered the Obamas a puppy that is completely hairless. Yeah. In fact, the children have already given the puppy the name James Carville.” -Conan O’Brien
“Sarah Palin is finally speaking to reporters. And whoo, not a moment too soon, huh? Last night, she was on Fox News with Greta Van Susteren. Today, she was on the ‘Today’ show with Matt Lauer. In fact, this week, she’s going to speak to a bunch of other governors in Miami. Then she’s going to go on a long tour to return clothes to different department stores all across America.” -Jay Leno
“Actually, Governor Palin is continuing to defend herself about that clothes issue. She says she has never even stepped foot in a Neiman Marcus. In fact, she thought Neiman Marcus was the president of the Philippines.” -Jay Leno
“In the Senate, 90-year-old Robert Byrd will step down as Appropriations Committee chair. He’ll be replaced by Hawaiian Senator Daniel Inouye, who is 84. Finally we’re getting some young blood in there.” -Jay Leno
“And speaking of young blood, we are very excited. Senator John McCain is on the show tonight. And I thought this was very nice. He blew off an interview with Katie Couric to be here.” -Jay Leno
“Today is Veterans’ Day, and John McCain laid a wreath at the tomb of the unknown plumber.” -David Letterman
“The United States Postal Service said the economy’s so bad, it will have its first layoffs in the history of the post office. May lay off 40,000 workers, yeah. Company officials said they have no idea what happened. They don’t understand why people aren’t using the mail like they used to, and they said all 40,000 workers would be notified by email. I don’t know. Is that a good idea, 40,000 disgruntled postal workers at holiday time? That doesn’t sound like a good thing.” -Jay Leno
