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Late Night Political Humor

Sarah Palin

“Cold here in New York City today, so cold that Sarah Palin spent $150,000 on mittens.” -David Letterman

“President-elect Obama met with former political rival John McCain. Did you see that? They got together. … And both men said it was a relief to put their differences aside, sit down, and really make fun of Sarah Palin.” -Conan O’Brien

“How about that Sarah Palin? A lot of people said, what will happen to her when she goes back to being the governor of Alaska? Don’t worry: book deal, $7 million. She got it through a guy named Joe the Publisher.” -David Letterman

“And they said, well, how about writing a book? She said, ‘You betcha. As long as I don’t have to read it.'” -David Letterman

“Well, according to MSNBC, Sarah Palin could get $7 million when she signs her book deal, $7 million. You know who’s really excited about this? Neiman Marcus.” -Jay Leno

“Seven million dollars. So maybe now she can afford her own clothing.” -David Letterman

The Economy

“Forecasters at the Federal Reserve in Philadelphia said the U.S. has been in a recession for the last 14 months. Thank you, Nostradamus! That’s how you know things are slowing down, when forecasters are now predicting the past.” -Jay Leno

“It’s great to be here in Los Angeles, what’s left of it. These wildfires continuing to burn here in LA. I haven’t seen anything go up in smoke like this since my 401(K).” -Jay Leno

“Thanksgiving just around the corner. Do you feel like Thanksgiving, folks? You know, it’s a time when people can do nice things for others who are less fortunate. I hope you’re planning on doing something for people less fortunate. For example, if you get the opportunity, if you have your Thanksgiving dinner, invite a Lehman brother.” -David Letterman

“Barack Obama says one of his top priorities once he becomes president is closing down Guantanamo Bay. To make sure it closes, he’s going to turn it into a bank.” -Jay Leno

The Transition

“Barack Obama is putting his team together to take over the Administration. So far, he’s got his mother-in-law, who is going to be living with him, and they are talking about Hillary for Secretary of State. You have your mother-in-law and Hillary Clinton. Sounds like smooth sailing to me.” -David Letterman

“Obama appears to have selected an attorney general and it looks like Hillary Clinton might be his secretary of state. Boy, I guess that’s good for her, but Hillary went from almost being the president to a secretary. Sounds like somebody needs to watch ‘Working Girl’ again, because that’s not how it’s supposed to work.” -Jimmy Kimmel

“Barack Obama, like many people, uses a Blackberry, but the Secret Service says this is a security hazard, so they took it away. I’m thinking, well, this is not fair. George Bush, do they let him keep his Gameboy? What’s the problem?” -David Letterman

“The press is calling President-elect Barack Obama the first wired president, ’cause he’s very big on e-mail and the internet and all that kind of stuff. But once he becomes president, he’ll have to give up all personal communication devices because of security concerns. Looks like America is ready for a black president, we’re just not ready for a Blackberry president.” -Jay Leno

“President Bush is still busy. People act as if President Bush is done now, but he’s not. He’s still doing things, he’s still busy. Yesterday, President Bush awarded — this is true — a national Medal of the Arts to Stan Lee, the comic-book artist who created Spiderman. … Afterwards, Bush said it was the first thing he’s done as president that felt right.” -Conan O’Brien

Politics as usual

“Happy birthday, convicted Senator Ted Stevens of Alaska, 85 years old. He didn’t get any gifts. At least, he didn’t report any.” -Jay Leno

“There is good news for friend-of-the-show and fair-weather friend of the Democratic Party Joe Lieberman. After supporting a Republican for president, today, Lieberman found out his fate. … Turns out having to hang out with Lindsey Graham was punishment enough. The senator was so grateful, he could barely contain his enthusiasm. … So congratulations, senator. In the end, your support for McCain didn’t help ‘Joe the Plumber,’ but, more importantly, it didn’t hurt ‘Joe the Lieberman'” -Stephen Colbert