The Economy

“Last Friday was, of course, Black Friday. And if you had money in the stock market, today is Black Monday. The stock market lost 679 points today. Not even a stock market, that’s a flea market.” -Jay Leno

“Today was the big day for online shopping. This is known as Cyber Monday. Did you know that? And of course, tomorrow is Identity Theft Tuesday.” -Jay Leno

“And this week, they will flip the switch on the White House Christmas tree, which has over 25,000 lights on it, one light for every CEO that’s looking for a bailout.” -Jay Leno

“Big relief today. The stock market is up 270. My 401(k) is now only practically worthless. Folks, this is great, because yesterday the Dow fell almost 700 … dows. Money points? Stockos? 700 stockos. Now personally, I blame the geniuses at the National Bureau of Economic Research, who thought it would be a good idea to announce yesterday that we are now in a recession. Terrible move. Everyone knows you keep bad news to yourself, holding it deep inside, until eventually it kills you” -Stephen Colbert

“And the space shuttle ‘Endeavour’ landed in California on Sunday. To show you how bad the economy is, the astronauts were charged 15 bucks a bag. Can you believe that?” -Jay Leno

The Politics of Change

“In political news, President-elect Barack Obama has named Hillary Clinton as his secretary of state. I am no political expert. I don’t pretend to know much about international affairs, but speaking strictly as a late-night talk show host, a Clinton back in office? Yes!” -Jay Leno

“Well, they said today during her confirmation hearings, Republicans could force her to answer a lot of embarrassing questions about Bill Clinton’s financial affairs. To which Hillary said, ‘What kind of affairs? Financial? Oh, no problem!'” -Jay Leno

“The big rumor is that Bill Clinton could be a possible replacement for Hillary Clinton’s Senate seat when she becomes secretary of state. How about that, huh? Yeah. I believe it’s the first time Bill has ever shown any interest in Hillary’s seat. Isn’t that ironic?” -Jay Leno

“So with the backdrop being the many challenges we face in this world, Barack Obama introduced his team of rivals, if you will. The best and brightest. … First up in his team, General Jim Jones, the next national security advisor, who also wholeheartedly disagrees with Obama that a date-certain exit from Iraq is the right choice and who is actually personally closer to John McCain. Next up, Robert Gates, Obama’s new secretary of defense. He’s going to have a lot of trouble following in the footsteps of the current Bush secretary of defense, Robert Gates. … And of course, the new secretary of state, Hillary Rodham Clinton, who, according to Wikipedia, actually ran for the presidency against Barack Obama and, according to them, kind of seemed like she hated him. This isn’t a team of rivals. This is a team of arch nemeses!” -Jon Stewart

“Former Florida Governor Jeb Bush said in a recent interview that Republicans ‘cannot be the old, white guy party.’ That’s what he said. I believe he made this statement at a national shuffleboard convention in Boca Raton, Florida.” -Jay Leno

Dubya

“Well, President Bush is opening up a little bit. He gave an interview to ABC News. Bush said he wished the intelligence on Iraq had been different. Hey, how many wish the intelligence in the White House had been different?” -Jay Leno

“President Bush has less than two months left before he two-steps back to Texas for some serious brush-clearing time. But the president sat down with Charles Gibson of ABC for an interview that aired tonight. Surprisingly, he admitted to some mistakes. He said he was unprepared for how long and how difficult the Iraq war would be, and that he shouldn’t have gone to war based on reports that Iraq had WMDs without first asking what WMD stood for.” -Jimmy Kimmel

“On ‘Meet the Press’ Sunday, First Lady Laura Bush said that the Obama girls, when they visited the White House, they were schooled on all the fun things you can do there, like play in an obstacle course, running up and down the main hall there and crawl under the furniture, and sliding down the ramp of the solarium. All of the stuff President Bush likes to do now, actually.” -Jay Leno

“Well, here’s something kind of embarrassing for President Bush. This is true. This year, the White House Hanukkah cards they sent out were sent out with a Christmas tree on the front. … It was very funny. And President Bush, very embarrassed by this. He said all the cards will be pulled and all of his Jewish friends will get a new card with a picture of the Hanukkah bunny. I think he’s still a little confused.” -Jay Leno

Share